It has not been an easy day for me. I did not sleep much last night getting up and doing things every few hours due to pain and the thoughts in my head. This afternoon the intrusive thoughts got horrible. While doing the dishes with The Majority Report on the kitchen TV I realized the thoughts in my head had taken over, I was standing there crying, and had no idea what the people on the screen were talking about.
I struggled to get myself under control. I did stuff all day. When Ron called me from Texas I failed to tell him about my issues. Instead I told him it was OK and to take all the time they both needed before coming home.
Scared of going to bed I stayed up and started making a red sauce and got it pretty well along. I let it cool and then put it on a trivet and put it in the refrigerator. Then as I was getting ready to shut the computer down the YouTube app sent me this link to this the first video. It is one when I first got to see it decades ago that I realized I had to own it. I bought the disk even before I even had something to play it on. I learned the song perfectly note by note. At that time in my life hiding my past, and being in the Army I felt in some ways I was the hero of the movie. I also felt I was in the part of the movie where the Indian boy tells the girl why he won’t make love to her. You are anyone’s; it is how you were taught to accept love. I want you to be special or some words to that effect. That also I felt was me, I was anyone’s, not because I wanted it but because I had no choice, and yes sometimes it saved me or made me feel special. Weird how that works with an abused child.
So YouTube being what it is, seeing I played the first song, sent me a second one. One I love, one I have on my phone, one I use as a warning to myself and others. If I start playing that song I am in trouble. I am crying now and very tired. I will put both songs below, and the movie is much better than the one I am posting; the other I don’t even understand why I am posting, except I am tired, worn, and a bit scared and just want my thoughts to stop. Have no fear I will go to the bedroom and snuggle the cat and get some rest if possible. If not I will get up and keep plugging away. It is what I do, what I have always done. I just backed out a lot of what I wrote after this. I realized while it was just me musing out loud trying to figure out how to move forward, that it could scare some of you. So no need to do that. My seasons are not over, not yet. Hugs
Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 