So yesterday I posted about being disconnected from reality. I am sorry I did not get to any comments today I will do it tomorrow I promise. Last night I tossed and turned and got up and simply walked the house. I did not have a plan nor go online. I simply paced every room in the house mindlessly. Let me explain it is worse than that.
I went to bed feeling exhausted, too tired to stay up, after making sure the cat got his medications and food, and then after an hour I was awake. I tried every mind trick to keep my emotions at bay but nothing was working and I couldn’t sleep. But then something strange happened, not normal to me.
I got up and went to the computers … and couldn’t focus on them. I did not put ear buds in to listen to anything. It was like my mind shut down and my body was on autopilot. For hours I walked the house, room to room to room. At 2:30 am my time Ron texted me a bit worried I had not responded to his texts, but I did not respond, I just paced around the house. It would have been normal for me if I had had my ear buds in and sounds in my head, but I did not. I simply walked the house and every room in it over and over and over again for several hours. Then I sat at the computer, tried to do something, gave up and went to bed. As close as I can figure I got two or maybe three hours of sleep.
But the lack of sleep is not the point. What was happening in my mind that caused me to walk like that? I normally cannot go 20 seconds or more without exsternal imput into my mind. But last night I had none of that and I don’t know why. Looking back it was like I was possessed. When I got up I knew I did it, but not why. My mind was blank.
Ron has often in the last decade forced me awake because I was crying out or struggling in my sleep. Some of those he said sounded so strangled like I was trying to cry out while my throat was being closed off. Ron was not here last night. I was alone. My queston is did my mind force me out of the bed and walk because there was no other way to help me from what I was remembering in my sleep?
All day today I have been off trying to get my normal posts done. I have failed. No other way to put it, I am failing at my posting job. But I would love to hear what you guys think happened to me last night. Because it is terrifying if I am just going to mind shut down and walk around. What else might I do? Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie,
I am not sure what your deepest concerns are, so please forgive me if I am misunderstanding your post.
If this is dissociation, which is a possibility with your background, it is highly unlikely – let me repeat that, HIGHLY UNLIKELY – that you would do anything that you would not do n your normal state.
You don’t mention periods of amnesia, so total dissociation is also fairly unlikely.
Your difficulty sleeping is potentially a big problem, but you have also dealt with this for years, if I am understanding your descriptions properly. Some people don’t need as much sleep as others, so you could be one who needs less, with that being amplified by your past experiences. It could also be your bodies way of forcing some weird waking dream on you to make up for a sleep deficit.
If (big if) you have any fears of harming yourself, I’d find a way to lock up any tools you might do that with, although that is very probably overreaction.
How soon is Ron returning? It is very possible that you are physically missing him to the point it is affecting your mental state in this way. I’d try Face Timing with him and getting extra cuddles from his cat.
All the best to you Scottie.
In some ways you remind me of my hubby. Stay safe, your dreadful memories are not your fault, remember that we love you.
MDavis
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Hi MDavis. Thank you for your comment, I truly appreciate it. I have disassociated before during my abuse some times and once when a doctor put me on mood stablizing medication that made dealing and functioning with reality was not possible. It was a lot like that in that my mind was not processing inputs. I was not dealing with anything rationally. I was simply functioning on rote. My legs were moving and I was not bumping into things but my mind had shut down. I was not really processing what I was seeing. Trying to remember it now it is just a blur of semi dark rooms I was moving through. Semi dark because I have bright nightlights in every room. Ron understands and even though it some times makes it hard for him to sleep no room in our home is really dark. See bad things happened to little Scottie in the dark.
You mentioned self harm. That is something I have to worry about sadly. How did you know? Did I write about it recently? I have not self harmed in a decade I think, maybe since 2014 / 2015. I was really back into it then and my doctors asked Ron to hide the knives and sharp cutting tools. But he did not realize I had hidden my jack knife and was using that. Randy who was working 12 hour night shifts would stay up and talk to me during the day to help me stop hurting myself. He would set his alarm to wake up and call me and talk for hours missing sleep he needed for going to work just to keep the knife out of my hands. I will never be able to thank him enough for the year and half he did that. His actions did work and helped me stop doing that.
I would be lying if I said I don’t think of it sometimes, even long for the release of emotional pain by doing it. But then I look at the scars, and I realize my pain doctor I see every two months looks for signs I am doing it. I remember all the people here who care for me, and most importantly, I think about how hurt and upset Ron would be. I remember the day he found out I was doing it again when he walked into the bedroom unexpectedly and saw the blood running down my arms. He was shocked as I had hidden it from him. When I get the feelings to do it I think of all those things and it grounds me, stops the thoughts, and prevents it from happening. If Ron thought I was going to self harm again he would start home and drive nonstop to get here. I won’t do that to him.
Ron is unsure when he can return. His sister got a new cast but it is not the flexable one she hoped for, the bones have not healed enough. She had gained some finger movement back but she still needs Ron for daily needs. He is torn, he wants to come home, he keeps telling me how much he misses and loves me. But I have to remind him that what he is doing is so important he drove to Texas in two days to be there. As much as I love and miss him I understand what it is like to be unable to do things and need help. His sister is comfortable with him there and they get along very well so I don’t want him to come home until she can take care of herself and her needs with out him.
Your last set of sentences is something I struggle with. I don’t think most people understand that the abusers constantly blame the victim for what the abuser is doing to the victim. Such as you made me give you the beating, you made me rape you. Plus for me it was the constant all day daily hate comments / remarks tossed off so casually and often about how bad I was, how I wouldn’t amount to anything, how stupid I was, and how no one could ever love me. As a little kid being made to stand on the other side of the room watching everyone eat when I had had no food all day because I was not worth being allowed to eat, and certainly not with them. I was always my fault. I learned early not to complain or argue back as that made my situation worse. Even when it was not my fault for doing it, if I was accused of it I knew to stay silent rather than name one of the hell spawn siblings who really did the thing. I was accused so it was clear I did it, or if one of them said I did it and I tried to deny it everything go worse for me. This deeply ingrained feeling / emotion / idea has held me back all my life. I would almost self sabatage my own advancement.
I hope your husband was not abused. I hope I don’t bring up bad memories for either of you. I always try to prevent harm instead of causing it. My best wishes for him.
One last thought. Ron’s cat. He sleeps next to me and some times when I wake up I find his paw on my hand or touching me. I am not sure why he does it but the interesting thing is Ron can’t move in the bed without waking me even with a very exspencive matteress that prevents movement on one side from affecting the other side. But his cat can get up on the bed, snuggle with me and touch me with his paws and I don’t even wake up. Hugs
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For just this part –
“I hope your husband was not abused. I hope I don’t bring up bad memories for either of you. I always try to prevent harm instead of causing it. My best wishes for him.”
You did us no harm in this post our your comments, please don’t worry yourself.
Oh, but that cat,.. 😺😻😽
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Hi Scottie. I hope MDavis can see this because I agree with what he said nearly to the letter. I would add that happy music – 2000’s plus – and particularly if it’s a favorite of yours’ and Ron’s. May help recenter. But, I agree… call Ron.
Hugs, my brother~!
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My like button is currently broken, so “Like”
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Hi Randy. Please read my comment to MDavis above. I told him of your efforts in 2013 / 2014 to keep me from self harm. Sadly friend those thoughts surface more often these days. But have no fear I remember your efforts and Ron’s total shock of entering the bedroom to find blood running down my arms. He went into total doctor mode cleaning and bandaging the cuts. Randy the sad part of music is all my music reminds me of my abuse or the struggles of my childhood. Remember I posted Dream Weaver as a reply. We talked about how I try to use the music as a way to distract but far too often it becomes a part of my feelings during the abuse. As for calling Ron we talk several times a day and text often. The weird thing is we are both often awake in the middle of the night so he will text me and I will reply and we will have a text conversation for a while. Again I cannot say this often enough thank you brother for everything you have done for me. Hugs
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I kinda wonder-no logic or knowledge applied here!-if your brain is taking a break from the thoughts and troubles that so frequently haunt your mind? Maybe you’ve had some sort of a breakthrough, and you’re confused because it isn’t what you normally have to put up with seeing in your head.
Again, no logic/science applied to that. But our brains do protect us in ways we cannot always fathom. I read in MDavis’s reply about you self-harming; last I knew, you weren’t feeling at all compelled to do that. You’re aware that you’re walking around, or yesterday, were sitting, doing nothing and thinking nothing, so you’re not losing time (as in dissociating,) at least from what I’m reading. It seems like you’re worried because your old ‘friend’ the vortex isn’t bothering you. Maybe be thankful for that much, though I know a good night’s sleep would do wonders for you. And taking a break from today’s atrocities can only help you, IMO. You’ve been pretty compulsive in posting many of the same stories from different sources for a few days. It could be time to go for other news of other things.
Now, I’m here so late after a busy, full day, mostly away from the computer, but this is the first thing I’m dealing with. Still, it’s 9:30 PM your time, so maybe you are sleeping. And tomorrow, it may not be a thing, so no worries about what I’ve written here. I like Randy’s advice to you.
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Hi Ali. My brain sure did take a break. I have felt dissociation many times in the past and this was like that. My memories are hazy but at the time I had no idea of the time frame or of what I was doing. But I was put on a medication to try to help me in 2012 it was some sort of mood stabilizer or such. I was on it and at the time I was working in the surgical ICU. I was sitting there and everyone and everything around me was moving far too fast for me to follow or deal with. One of the best and my favorite ICU nurse came up to me and was talking when I shouted out. Stop everone stop your talking too fast, moving too fast, I can’t understand or deal with it all. Just stop for a minute PLEASE! I was shaking I was so upset and it was so unusual because I was superb at my job handling many crises at once. He slowly reached out his hand being very careful because we had shared my childhood as he also had been abused, he put his hand on my shoulder and told me I was disassociating so needed to stop the new medication and he helped walk me to the employee breakroom where he said I needed to stay for a while.
What I experienced that night was like that. The only difference was I was walking with no thought of my own mind, my body was acting on its own. My mind was not processing what my eyes were seeing, not processing any sounds. But Ali what is scary is that it was happening during the day and it has never had me get up at night and blank out and walk, walk, walk. The really weird thing to me is I can’t get up in the morning and walk out to the kitchen and start making coffee without earbuds to drown out my thoughts … but that night I did not have them and felt nothing.
Yes the vortex is always just a few thoughts away. But that day / night my mind was blank. After 60 years I do worry about that sudden blankness. My mind was not my own. It is scary to lose control of your thoughts and I have experienced that so often in my life, but Ali this was different. This was the absence of thoughts, my mind had shut down. I am not sure how to discribe it but maybe think of it this way. You are in a lighted room with music playing and suddenly the lights go out and all sound stops. That is what I experienced for several hours. That is far from normal for me. My thoughts never stop or blank out.
Ali I agree with you that I post a lot of horrible stuff on political harms directed at the public. And when I was spending hours on the Male Survivor web site posting and replying to others posts, my emotional situation got horrible and much worse. I was close to a breakdown and the nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and my despair got much worse. I realized to protect myself i had to stop going to the site, reading of others abuse, and replying to other victims because I felt their stories too deeply and too much. Even thoughs that have reached out to me asking me to come back I tell them I cannot.
Thank you for taking the time to address my issues when it is late where you are. I had a mental break from reality for nearly 24 hours. It came on after my MRI, which is always painful for me because I have to lie still for it. The sounds and the narrow tunnel don’t bother me, but my pain builds as I lie there. Hugs
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I’m sorry about all of this. And if I wrote something insensitive, I’m sorry, though no such thing was intended. But anyway, I see what you’re saying here. You sort of did lose time.
It was not so late. I mostly told you that because I hadn’t been around much, and things for you had sort of escalated, and I’d missed it being away.
Not sure what a regular good night’s sleep will entail for you, but I hope you get it!
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Not a bad idea to check your blood sugar.
If you have the testers, you could also check your BP and Oxygen levels. Either one can affect they way I’m thinking.
It seems unlikely to be the problem, since you were navigating normally except for the whole ‘someone is driving this bus’ being missing, but it wouldn’t hurt to check.
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Hi MDavis. Good thought but my morning blood sugars are between 80 and lower 70s. My doctor wants them no lower than 80s so I have to back off my nighttime insulin some. As for the BP and oxygen levels I have my watch set to monitor that and it has woken me when my heart rate goes too high or too low. I do have a breathing issue as when I first lay down I struggle to get a breath of air but the pumatologest tested me and couldn’t find a reason for it. They told me to laydown more slowly.
… except for the whole ‘someone is driving this bus’ . MDavis that is how it felt. I was totally checked out. My brain was not registering what my eyes were seeing and there was no sound in my ears even though there must have been background sounds of the house. This is the first time I know of that it has happened.
But I am thinking of something Ron has told me before. He has had to wake me because I was either waving my arms like I was trying to block blows or kicking my legs like I was trying to push someone off me. When he wakes me I remember the nightmare and he often asks me about that one, but I refuse to tell him. My view is why the hell should I poison him with the memories I have to deal with and carry that never seem to go away? Why saddle him with those memories? I love him too much to do that.
A bit of history. When Ron first moved in with me in 1990, I worked nights and he couldn’t move around the house without waking me up. But he had a greyhound he brought into the house after a couple of months that could crawl up on my bed and not wake me but I would wake up looking into the brown eyes of the dog sharing my pillow. Yet it took years before I could sleep with Ron moving around in the house. Then came the issue of him walking into the bedroom and me jumping out of the bed ready to fight. Ron figured out I had been abused a decade before I felt I could tell him. Over the years I adjusted and starting in 2007, I told him parts of the physical abuse, then in 2013 as I broke down I started to share the sexual abuse with him. In bits and drabs I shared with him my abuse. He already knew I was abused but the details rocked him so I started sheltering him from them.
But Ron knew that was toxic to me and I needed to share especally as my nightmares got worse and my struggling at night often included struggling to scream out in different parts some of what I write here—the bits and different words of “stop no please don’t hurt me it hurts please please I will do what you want don’t hurt me anymore” and so much more where some of the vocalizations were strangled attempts to shout which I was doing in the real world not in my dreams. As my vocal actions and violent actions in bed got worse I was forced to share some of the worst of the abuse with him that I had hidden from him. So here we are in my life.
I am a 63 year old man pretty secure in who I am, yet these memories cause me to be a kid again. I was abused until my last 4 day rape was when I was 23. After that I never let them do that to me again.
Sorry this is far more than you replied to but this is where my mind is right now. I do have to get up and make supper. I am going back and forth between grilled cheese ham sandwiches or tomatto suop with saltine crackers. Hugs
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You sound as if you are being haunted by yourself. It does happen. Is there someone you could talk to, a doctor or a health care person, maybe they can get you through some of this. It really feels as if you are in over your head, and outside help might be enough to get you back to where you need to be…
One other thing. Posting should not be a ‘job”, it’s what you do, voluntarily. Not being able to do something like this is not ‘failing’, it sounds like other things are getting in the way of it.
It could be blood sugar, it could be too much or too little of something, but please, Scottie, talk to someone who might have the answers.
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I agree with Judy.
Someone on the scene can check for things and observe in a way we cannot at a distance.
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Another agreement. I know it’s not what you want to do. I’m writing this here this morning on Friday, and you’ve posted some good items, including the toons one, which, to me, is one of your best. Maybe you’re feeling better today? Let us know, OK? We all care.
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Hi Ali. I am dealing. Thank you for asking and noticing. I am focusing on replying to comments and what I am going to make for supper. I have no hunger but I promised Ron and all my viewers who care such as yourself that I would eat. I have no hunger but I will do it because I said I would. So I am going back and forth between grilled cheese and ham sandwiches or Campbell’s tomato soup with crackers. Whether there is anyone who can check on me. No, Ron checks in a bunch of times a day. But for the most part other than you grand people here online I am alone. Hugs
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Grilled cheese or ham & cheese with tomato soup is the ultimate comfort supper!
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Hi Judy thank you for your ideas. The therapist I was seeing told me they couldn’t help me because I was far beyond their ability to deal with what happened to me and everything they could suggest I was already doing. It was nice of her to admit it.
As to posting being my job. That is my way to keep myself focused and feeling good about myself. See I grew up with the Puritan New England idea that you must work to be a good person. And my abusive parents always tore me down, claiming I wouldn’t ever find a job or be able to support myself so I better accept they would be abusing me all my life. I got away from them by going into the military and showing I was seriously good at what I was doing. Because I am very disabled and the new MRI shows even more severe damage to my spine I am limited as to what I can do to think of as my “job” as I can hardly sweep a room floor. So I take my blogging seriously and always try to make the posts the best I can.
I understand what you are saying that I shouldn’t drive myself. But that is what makes me feel better about myself. My posting is a way for me to express myself, and I feel it is my job to do it. It is not a punishment for me except when I fail to do it on time, then I do beat myself up over it. But I understand what you are saying, that when I fail to post or respond to comments I should relax over it. Hugs
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I don’t any advice. Having dealt with this sort of thing for quite a while now I’m starting to wonder if what happens is we become so overcome by what was done to us that even at this late date it overwhelms us, and we become (even more?) confused
No good answer, but I feel ya’ …
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“Like”.
Wait, no, make that “Upvote”
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Thank you Ten Bears. I was feeling so alone with this. That you who I feel has accomplished so much in your life also deals with this is both very sad yet strangly carthartic. I agree with your assessment. If you ever need to vent more than on your own blog this one is here for you. I thank you for being a grand supporter and friend to me. I still use your work out retuine you sent me. Hugs
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