So yesterday I posted about being disconnected from reality. I am sorry I did not get to any comments today I will do it tomorrow I promise. Last night I tossed and turned and got up and simply walked the house. I did not have a plan nor go online. I simply paced every room in the house mindlessly. Let me explain it is worse than that.
I went to bed feeling exhausted, too tired to stay up, after making sure the cat got his medications and food, and then after an hour I was awake. I tried every mind trick to keep my emotions at bay but nothing was working and I couldn’t sleep. But then something strange happened, not normal to me.
I got up and went to the computers … and couldn’t focus on them. I did not put ear buds in to listen to anything. It was like my mind shut down and my body was on autopilot. For hours I walked the house, room to room to room. At 2:30 am my time Ron texted me a bit worried I had not responded to his texts, but I did not respond, I just paced around the house. It would have been normal for me if I had had my ear buds in and sounds in my head, but I did not. I simply walked the house and every room in it over and over and over again for several hours. Then I sat at the computer, tried to do something, gave up and went to bed. As close as I can figure I got two or maybe three hours of sleep.
But the lack of sleep is not the point. What was happening in my mind that caused me to walk like that? I normally cannot go 20 seconds or more without exsternal imput into my mind. But last night I had none of that and I don’t know why. Looking back it was like I was possessed. When I got up I knew I did it, but not why. My mind was blank.
Ron has often in the last decade forced me awake because I was crying out or struggling in my sleep. Some of those he said sounded so strangled like I was trying to cry out while my throat was being closed off. Ron was not here last night. I was alone. My queston is did my mind force me out of the bed and walk because there was no other way to help me from what I was remembering in my sleep?
All day today I have been off trying to get my normal posts done. I have failed. No other way to put it, I am failing at my posting job. But I would love to hear what you guys think happened to me last night. Because it is terrifying if I am just going to mind shut down and walk around. What else might I do? Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie,
I am not sure what your deepest concerns are, so please forgive me if I am misunderstanding your post.
If this is dissociation, which is a possibility with your background, it is highly unlikely – let me repeat that, HIGHLY UNLIKELY – that you would do anything that you would not do n your normal state.
You don’t mention periods of amnesia, so total dissociation is also fairly unlikely.
Your difficulty sleeping is potentially a big problem, but you have also dealt with this for years, if I am understanding your descriptions properly. Some people don’t need as much sleep as others, so you could be one who needs less, with that being amplified by your past experiences. It could also be your bodies way of forcing some weird waking dream on you to make up for a sleep deficit.
If (big if) you have any fears of harming yourself, I’d find a way to lock up any tools you might do that with, although that is very probably overreaction.
How soon is Ron returning? It is very possible that you are physically missing him to the point it is affecting your mental state in this way. I’d try Face Timing with him and getting extra cuddles from his cat.
All the best to you Scottie.
In some ways you remind me of my hubby. Stay safe, your dreadful memories are not your fault, remember that we love you.
MDavis
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Hi Scottie. I hope MDavis can see this because I agree with what he said nearly to the letter. I would add that happy music – 2000’s plus – and particularly if it’s a favorite of yours’ and Ron’s. May help recenter. But, I agree… call Ron.
Hugs, my brother~!
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I kinda wonder-no logic or knowledge applied here!-if your brain is taking a break from the thoughts and troubles that so frequently haunt your mind? Maybe you’ve had some sort of a breakthrough, and you’re confused because it isn’t what you normally have to put up with seeing in your head.
Again, no logic/science applied to that. But our brains do protect us in ways we cannot always fathom. I read in MDavis’s reply about you self-harming; last I knew, you weren’t feeling at all compelled to do that. You’re aware that you’re walking around, or yesterday, were sitting, doing nothing and thinking nothing, so you’re not losing time (as in dissociating,) at least from what I’m reading. It seems like you’re worried because your old ‘friend’ the vortex isn’t bothering you. Maybe be thankful for that much, though I know a good night’s sleep would do wonders for you. And taking a break from today’s atrocities can only help you, IMO. You’ve been pretty compulsive in posting many of the same stories from different sources for a few days. It could be time to go for other news of other things.
Now, I’m here so late after a busy, full day, mostly away from the computer, but this is the first thing I’m dealing with. Still, it’s 9:30 PM your time, so maybe you are sleeping. And tomorrow, it may not be a thing, so no worries about what I’ve written here. I like Randy’s advice to you.
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Not a bad idea to check your blood sugar.
If you have the testers, you could also check your BP and Oxygen levels. Either one can affect they way I’m thinking.
It seems unlikely to be the problem, since you were navigating normally except for the whole ‘someone is driving this bus’ being missing, but it wouldn’t hurt to check.
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You sound as if you are being haunted by yourself. It does happen. Is there someone you could talk to, a doctor or a health care person, maybe they can get you through some of this. It really feels as if you are in over your head, and outside help might be enough to get you back to where you need to be…
One other thing. Posting should not be a ‘job”, it’s what you do, voluntarily. Not being able to do something like this is not ‘failing’, it sounds like other things are getting in the way of it.
It could be blood sugar, it could be too much or too little of something, but please, Scottie, talk to someone who might have the answers.
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