It has been a good day but a long day and it just turned sour but I am fighting back.

It has been a good day, let me explain.  Ron set our folding dining room table up to go through all the large filing cabinet, as he ran out of room for new files and some of our files are over 30 years old.  As he worked on that I had made breakfast of thick bacon and scrambled eggs with Ron having muffins and me white toast.  After breakfast we worked together on a really great now that it is cooking smelling recipe for pork chops using two packages of ranch dressing mix, can of cream of mushroom soup,  and some seasonings I helped adjust.  

I was on my way earlier to take my shower and a painful testorne shot when the water was shut down because the phase of the development we are in is hooked to the same water supply as the RV section and when an RVer forgets to unhook their water line and pulls out ripping the pipe apart or they back over and break the water pipe connection for their lot, it shuts down the water supply for both the RV section and the phase 1 homeowner section.  

No real problem, as Ron was doing the filing, and I was doing tomorrow’s roundup post and my shower and the dishes could wait.  But then Ron decided to go take a nap.   I was joined him to help him into bed.  As he got undressed I started to flirt and rub him.  We had flirted and been sexually suggestive with each other all day.  I am hypersexual and that is normal for a person who was abused in childhood as I was.  Sex and the function of it are super important to me and mean far more emotionally than the act should.  Ron understands that.  He accepts that.  But he is 71 yrs old and was put on a medication a decade or more ago that we did not know would kill his libido, his desire.  He has since gotten off the medication but the damage has been done. He is trying to get over the effects of the drug but it is hard.   He struggles to have sexual desires, while I am over sexual desire needing.  He tries to meet my needs when ever he can or I need, which is all the time, but I try to control it.  We do a lot of touching and at night in bed we cuddle for hours at a time.  We simply cuddle pushing our bodies as tight as possible with each other and sleep that way.  It makes the cat jealous though.  

As he was getting ready for his nap without clothing my desire was going close to out of control even as I understood it as not appropriate or the right time.  Ron realized my need and offered and I had a flashback.  I was taken over by a memory from my childhood.  It was painful and shook me.  I started to shake instead of replying.  Ron realized what was happening and instead of peppering me with questions moved back while assuring me it was all OK.  He got into the bed covering himself while continuing to talk to me calmly and reassuringly.   He kept using my name that is different from what my abusers called me.  He asked me if he needed to get up and I said no, that was not good.  I mumbled some sleep well stuff and went to my Pink Palace office and started to cry.

I gradually got my self undercontrol.  I post this to try to explain how triggers work and the minefield my life is even with a loving wonderful husband.  We were on the same wavelength for what I was desiring… but then the memories hit shattering everything.  If this had happened on a first date or such it could have gone really badly and maybe violently.  Ron has lived with me a long time, he understands some of my abuse and he knows how to deal with me to not make things worse.  The fact is I basically have to have two minds / people of me.  The outfacing person who appears normal and has no issues and who cares for everyone.  The second one I try to keep hidden in public life except for here on the blog.  A badly damaged person struggling to deal with day to day stuff and trying some how to understand the issues of what is happening with out letting it tear me apart while my memories struggle to constantly surge to the front of my mind. 

I don’t know if posting this will have the effect I want it to have which is not pity but understanding the minefield I walk daily in life.  It is not just the news about abused kids, it is not the survivor site where people discuss things similar to what I lived through and is still in my mind today.  It is not even when my husband sees my needs and wishes the same that a memory or many memories can sabotage and ruin everything.   I don’t know if any of you have ever needed to retreat to a “safe space”.  It is not a weak person who does that, it is a strong person who knows they are close to breaking.  I don’t care if the right calls it woke, I call it needed emotional health care.  I often get overwhelmed and sometimes share that with you.  But each of you I would think some times reach a point where enough is enough and you need to back off or change what you are doing. 

Very few people are an island.  I am not and don’t want to be.  I love being part of a community and being part of the world I live in.  However, I do admit it becomes difficult for me sometimes.  I struggle and I stumble in ways that the maga would make fun of me for.  I am human.  I get it and have been hurt.  I still stand up for others.  And now I am calm enough that I will go get my shower and take my painful shot.   Thank you for letting me express this part of my life and I welcome your comments.  Hugs