I had a really bad night where I was tearing my skin on my butt and thrashing around. Ron tried twice to wake me and once when he did it I was so deep in my memories of abuse that I tried to protect myself from him. Once I was awake and knew what he had tried to do for me I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until I got up.
But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site. There I read more stories of abuse like mine. Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand. Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset.
I sat at my desk this morning and just cried. No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here. To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.
I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say. The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now. My body did not agree with him.
Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you! Thank me for fucking you! You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that. So many more. I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me. For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction. They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.
So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm. But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return. I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even worse night for me. How do I avoid the pain I know is coming? Damn now I am scared to go to bed. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Scottie, thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. No one should ever have to endure what you experienced, especially as a child. Your courage to speak openly gives a voice to others who may still be suffering in silence. I hope tonight brings you even a small measure of peace and rest. Please remember that your life today is not defined by what was done to you but by the strength you’ve shown in continuing to move forward. Sending you prayers, respect, and a heartfelt hug. 🙏❤️
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One of your abusers recently died.
That is a trigger.
I wish I had a good idea of how to deal with this, but all I can think of is maybe writer her a letter dumping all the pain she caused you on her, where it belongs. There is no one to send it too, of course, but putting it on paper might help uproot the worst of it.
Maybe this is a bad idea, but I am pretty sure the recent death is a trigger. So at least there is a reason you are suffering this right now, it isn’t just random.
But if this is a bad idea, just ignore it.
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Try leaving yourself little positive notes on the fridge, on a toilet wall, on your computer monitor, anywhere you spend time at during your waking hours. And read them every chance you have.
Do not say “Oh, I already know that!” Or “They are only words, I did not really mean them.”
Make them positive. Make them about now. And make them personal. Yes, your hubby will read them, possibly talk about them, ask you why you are doing these things. Tell him the truth, that you are reminding yourself of the good things in your life. You.are reminding yourself that he loves you. Whatever. Just be positive. Try it. It will work.
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wish I had words that could change something. Hugs, my wonderful brother.
-randy
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