Ok earlier this week I was exhausted, but I was sick of a registry error I couldn’t clear on my video computer. So I tried to reset it. But every time I did Microsoft demand I sign in to rest the computer. That has long been my redline for Microsoft computers. So I got out an old ISO I had and installed the Windows program from that. I kept waiting all week for it to accept me into the extended updates program. But it did not do so.
So today, after getting home from taking Ron to get his eye exam and scheduled for the next couple weeks, I again dumped the computer, and this time I simply let the install and update program happen at its own pace. I am not sure if that is what did the trick, but the secondary computer is back up and on the Windows 10 Extended Updates program. That makes me very happy.
However, while I was working on the other computer I got the YouTube algarthym push of two songs that set me off: Terry Jackson’s seasons in the sun and REM Everyone Hurts. I started playing them… and falling down that rabbit hole when Ron innocently asked me to help him with something in the bedroom. Totally sabotage the meltdown that was building inside me. Oh, what did I do with the YouTube suggested songs? I closed the tabs as soon as I got back to the computers. I wish I had the strength to do that when YouTube first pushed them on me. But then it is not YouTube’s fault that those songs resonate so much with me. But then, as I was to regroup, I got hit with Eleton John’s Danial. Why does that song hit me so hard, you might ask? Because the summer I was forced to live in the attic over the garage with only a single electric cord that I could plug several things into, I found an abandoned record player one of my Hellspawn siblings had and a couple of 45 records. One was this one by Elton John, and I have no idea the real meaning of the song but I created lots of meanings in my head laying alone on a playwood floor with only a sleeping bag to give me comfort and a small black lab dog that I swam out to save who stayed in that space with me.
Do I need to list the songs that are triggeering me… or describe being locked in a storage space above the garage? The wired thing is I know they must have realized I was able to take some electric from the grarage below. But when they locked the door, did they know I was still small enough to fit between the studs and shimmy down to the garage below? I wonder if they depended on it. Anyway, this is a non-graphic part of my life that might help others understand me.
However there were times that summer when the door opened and one of my abusers came in. I knew what I had to do, I knew what was the only way to protect my dog, and I knew my place as a 14 / 15 year old kid. Sad hugs. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 