I am very tired and Ron made the supper I asked him for yet I could only eat half of my portion. He was glad I ate that much. Ron wants me to go to bed, but I wanted to do this post first and I have not finished the cartoon / meme / news roundup I was working on. But this post is important. And yes please comment on it, I will try to reply to the comments.
So as I have already told everyone I was adopted at age three. My adult female adopter wanted a cute cuddly toddler to hold and make of. So at first she did not join in with the abuse but she only stopped it if she was there when it was happening. And then only if it was by their children who I call my hellspawn siblings. My adopting adult male was allowed to do what ever he wanted with me and she never cared and occasionally joined in. As I grew out of the toddler stage her care about me simply diminished to nothing, and she actively joined in with the abuse and abused me herself.
The male that adopted me was the oldest of 8 children. His dad was a drinker who drank himself to death. The male left school before the 8th grade and worked to provide a living for his family. So that gave him a dislike for schools and book learning and for some years I was forbidden to have even school books at the house. He was a hard worker and one of the ways he because so strong was that he pulled ships on the Saint Laurence seaway into the docks by hand. He built up very powerful shoulders, arms, and the rest of his body. At family gatherings he would brag how when they would go out drinking, others in the family would pick fights and then come get him to do the fighting. According to him no matter how many there were he never lost. I did see him fight a few times and he was viscous and powerful. But for me he was an overwhelming force for a tiny boy who had no chance to defend my self against him. He enjoyed using his much greater size and strength to hurt me.
To explain his way of thinking and dealing with the world around him I will repeat a story he often told and I heard as a kid sitting on the counter during their drinking parties as my job was to keep very quiet, when someone raised their empty glass I was to rush over, take the glass, mix their drink, return it, get patted on my ass or groped me, and return to my place. It was not always the counter but you get the idea. I was the drink boy and if someone wanted I was also a party favor / treat.
The story was he was at a restaurant, and a group of famous TV wrestlers came in. They sat down and ordered. Then at some point I guess the meal came or they got complementary bread. One of the group members reached for the butter and the largest guy took his knife and hit the guy across his hand repeatedly saying “I go first”. The largest guy then took most if not all the butter. My adopting thug brawler adult male thought that was the pinnacle of manhood and success. He tried to be the biggest guy that way all my life. It was easy for him to do to a small boy who was malnourished and once hospitalized for malnutrition because I was not always allowed to eat or be fed. His strength allowed him to do things to me that haunt me to this day.
However I think I became the better person. I have a real loving relationship with my spouse not the hate filled tit for tat that my adopting adults had. When he was dying his last month he begged Ron to come get them and bring them to Florida as his own hellspawn were making his life miserable. He had three final wishes, and Ron and I made sure he got all three. The second week after he got here the little grasp he had on reality went bye-bye, and he was bedridden and needed constant personal care. I had to provide that care as Ron was working 12 hour shifts. I have written about having to clean his genitals, to hold the penis that raped me and from which he made me drink his urine as he urinated, I helped him poop and after he soiled himself I cleaned the asshole that he made child me lick with my tongue to punish and humiliate me.
I was barely able to hold it together the weeks he was here. At home I cried and sobbed and Ron who did not yet know my full childhood abuse couldn’t understand why my health was deteriorating so rapidly. After he died I told Ron more parts of it slowly filling him in on the horror I lived. So when my adopting adult female was also dying and we had already let her live in our park model here in our park he refused to put me through it again, demanding she go to hospice.
OK well sorry to burden all of you with this. But it has been on my mind for several days, and I have had nightmares for several nights. I needed to deal with these memories / thoughts. While I really dislike throwing my burden on everyone who comes here ( you really are a grand group of people) it does help me to get some of this poison I carry out of myself, out of my system. I guess it is true what they say, a burden shared is a burden lessened. Thank you. Hugs
