Struggling, trying not to totally freak out

While not the point this gets graphic at some points.   This is what I am going through today and my feelings.   Right now after I wrote this and sat here before I posted it, I realized this could really trigger some people.    I am also suddenly aware that there are people who could read this with my experiences and it would hurt them to read it.   This started as a way to express my losing my mind and going crazy with my memories and thoughts.    I ended up writing more of the abuse.   I helped me calm down and adjust.   Hugs and love to all, but some may want to skip this post.   

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I am struggling not to lose my mind.   I can hardly function.  In my mind the abuse event I wrote about where one of the boys in the home I grew up in who I think was at least 6 years older than me violently hurt raped me.   It replays like a porn show in my head, a child rape movie only the star was me.   I am reliving the feelings, the pleading I did, the promises I tried to make, I am replaying every moment in my mind on a loop, the pain, what he said, and that it was not the first or last time he used me … and I may soon go crazy.    Most times I can push it back, push it away.  

I tried to push it away by diving into the news.    I couldn’t get out of bed this morning, Ron was stunned I was still laying there awake at nearly 8 AM.   I have tried leaving the computer to do housework, but … It is still there playing over and over and over.    My feelings of helplessness.   Not being able to change what I knew was coming.   How suddenly it happened that night, how angry he was.    I turned on the Majority Report to get progressive news to try to clear my mind and they had a segment on the republicans trying to introduce a federal don’t say gay bill based on the Florida bill.    It wouldn’t have protected me in anyway as a kid, but it would basically make me a gay man illegal in public.  

I have to look up the Florida ballot information because we are going to vote tomorrow.   I cannot think, I can’t process.   The feelings are surging and cascading over me.  Normally I could get him to let me use a lubricant like hand lotion or anything because he did not care as long as he got to fuck me and cum.    I don’t know what happened that day or night to him, but whatever it was he wanted me to pay for it.   Lucky for me it was not my first time with a hurt rape.  Hell not my first time with being raped, it happened a lot to me back then.   Shit what a statement to have to write.    And to tell the truth most of the time being raped with a chance to put something on it was better than being hit, better than having a belt used on me until I shrank as much into a corner or wall as best I could.   

One summer in Canada almost every afternoon I was locked in a barn and chased around by a couple with canes until they cornered me and hit me until I was curled up on the ground, then forced to give the man a blowjob.    I tried to cut out the beating but they wanted that part.  Every inch of me seemed to hurt that summer.   

 Once I couldn’t stop it and knew that pleas and promises wouldn’t change things … once I felt it start, I knew how to relax my anus, to try to keep it from ripping or tearing me.    It hurt and he wanted that, he wanted to see me try to hold in my pain and any scream.  For me to scream or yell would be worse for me, anyone who came to see wouldn’t help me and might join in.   In my mind I hear and feel every anguished cry that I struggled to contain.  My apple watch has gone off repeatedly today with alerts with high heart rates. 

I am calmer right now.     I am struggling to remember my age then, it was either 8 or 9 I think.   I want to sleep, I want my mind to stop.  Writing this post seems to have calmed me down some.  I am going to go empty the dryer that just went off and fold the clothing.   I am hoping desperately the memories will stop or change to something better.   I am not sure I can stand to keep living this.  I use to have a cat that would seem to know when I was having these memory loops and come be all over me.   I need him now.   Hugs

**edit note, before I posted this I went back and added a note at the beginning.   I don’t want to hurt anyone else who may also be suffering.    Hugs**