Hi everyone. I spent the late morning / early afternoon making a couple videos. I was talking about what was keeping me busy and occupied the last couple of weeks. But these videos touch on my hurts, my pain, not news. One is shorter because when Ron came to the door, I meant to hit the pause button but hit the stop recording one. I am using new equipment, so if there is any sound or video issues, please let me know. Hugs. Scottie
I talk about my own childhood abuse and helping a friend with his own abuse issues first part.
Me speaking about my abuse and trying to help a friend who was abused also. I also explain my time management issues.
Scottie's Playtime 
Your doing a grand job here Scottie, not just fighting the quirks of the machines, but coming out here, being open and honest.
And helping others.
Keep on keeping on.
I hope a good night’s sleep will visit you soon.
Best wishes
Roger
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Hi Roger. Thank you. I will continue to help those I can. However over the weekend Ron and Randy had a sort of intervention. They talked to me about the amount of time I was spending on Male Survivor, over 10 hours a day, reading and replying to others painful histories and sharing mine. My night terrors, nightmares, and night sweats are back again. When I was sleeping I was very agitated with my limbs moving to block assaults, I was again crying out in my sleep. I was losing the benefits of the healing time I had over the years. My emotional state was deteriorating fast. After a weekend of them gently going over what I already understood, I agreed to stop going to the MS site and to return to help people via my blog. However I do feel guilty, I have never turned my back on people hurting before and that is what this feel like what I am doing. But Randy and Ron say I can help people better from my blog and not destroy myself in doing it. Hugs. Scottie
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Hi Scottie.
Sorry for the delay, somehow another day slipped away from me (5.35 pm UK BST).
I agree with Ron and Randy.
There are times when we find ourselves, starting off with the best will in the world finding ourselves in circumstances which we didn’t expect. Ones which are exacting a price upon us.
Blog writing and putting views out, particularly messages of support and encouragement or on the other side making your feelings known to those whose you disagree with can itself be quite an effort and leave you tired.
When taking on a deeper role say one-to-one there will be that price. I have known those trained and experienced professionals dealing with the most challenging of situations eventually having their health suffer and unable to cope with events in their personal lives.
The lesson learnt. Very, very few can be so detached that they can walk away at the end of a ‘working day’.
For one cause or another there have been times when I have had to shut off from the outside world and get myself back together. Sometimes even leave something behind just because in the words of my youth ‘Couldn’t do that no more man. Like too heavy’
You should not feel guilty Scottie. If a role is damaging you, then you will not be able to conduct yourself effectively. Again from my own experience, I quit my managerial role in the UK tax service because I had burnt out and my staff would thus suffer also my family needed my full input at the time.
Time for a refit Scottie, and adjustment too. Ron and Randy are quite right.
Take a time out first though and then return only to the blog. You did well, and there is no shame in stepping back when burnt out is threatening.
Take now now, and our best wishes to you and Ron.
Roger and Sheila.
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Thank you, Roger and your wife Sheila.
Your concern is grand and feels great for me. But Roger … there are people there on that site who do not have you both to fall back on to for comfort. In a recent video I made that I hope you will watch when you are in a good place. (please don’t let Sheila watch it, it would destroy me if she was hurt by it) But it was not just at home I was abused, it was not just when I was sent to Canada either and the horrible abuse there. It was as a grade school as a little boy that I was taken into supply closets and … abused. It seemed normal in my life, no way to get away from it. When I returned from Canada … if you have not read that post I made I will find the link and send it, … But then as a new teen I went into 7th grade and was abused for the rest of my school years, and that includes the last year at the church school I went to as a senior. But then I was away from my home, so I was OK with being abused, I felt it was a good trade. Gentle abuse vs violent abuse in my home … sorry but to be clear friend, I simply had no real choice or understanding. I had a target on my back and I had a choice, take it with pain, or take it with no pain.
Having said all that I mean no, none at all was a good thing for me. In a recent video I laid out how I was blindsided on the MS site and had huge triggers. I do hope you will watch it. In that video I explain Ron and Randy’s reasons for wanting me off the site for a while. A predator targeted me and was leading me ever farther down the hole into my abuse and opening well scabbed over old wounds. But it still hurts.
Seriously Roger. Knowing someone is using my abuse to pleasure themselves is not triggering, but knowing someone is using my own hurt and pain to fuel sexual their fantasies is very disturbing. I hope you can understand what I am saying. But the reason it hurts to leave is I can understand the other abuse victims, I can understand their needs, and I can help them. It only takes a few words … a few small words showing I care and understand. But As Ron desperately shared with me … I can not help others in pain if my own pain is flowing unchecked and causing me to melt down.
Roger I want to help, I was being told what I was saying was helping … but it was also ripping me apart. Ron and Randy tried hard to kindly explain it to me. I can not help or save others from drowning if I am also struggling to stay above the water. I had taken so much of their abuse into myself, I no longer had the ability to keep my own head above the water and was drowning as they were.
But Roger … it still hurts. It hurts very badly. I see people in pain, in such pain … and everything I did to try to help … yet can not help. It adds to my defeat. Again I am a loser. I tried to help others and I was told I couldn’t do it, I was not able. Hugs. Scottie.
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Sorry for the delay in replying Scottie, there were more than the usual clutch of chores I’d intent to make some WP time and then find I had dozed off before starting and manage only a few before off to do something else. And not wishing to dash off a mere quick reply to you had to find the right space of time.
There is in my mind an image of you a person with great resolve and courage to come through all that the horror Scottie, to still be here and be gentle of spirit. There is though only so much that each of us can take and encountering a continuation of the same warped type of creature out there is something you should not have to bear.
You should not feel that you are a loser thought that you have failed, you have been there at times for folk and the times you spent with them could well have been enough to save them at just one juncture.
Just to use an analogy from Charites, a person might start off subscribing to one on a regular basis but then find they can no longer afford that. A good Charity will understand and appreciate the help that was given.
For those of us to endeavour to work for some time at a ‘sharp and jagged end’ of Life to do so good, right some wrong, counter something wrong, there are times when we must consider if there is that cost which is not one that we can be expected to, or in some case should bear.
It’s not a case of ‘couldn’t’ or ‘shouldn’t’, for there are layers of complexity in all these interactions. Nothing is clear cut. We Humans like all creatures have our limitations, a point at which we have to stop, maybe for a short while, maybe for a change of direction. To feel that we have not achieved exactly what we intended or hoped for is not to have failed, or let someone down, or shown weakness.
Edison the inventor is quoted as saying ‘I have not failed. I have merely found ways that do not work,’ This statement has its merits for all Life and when joined with the outlook of the genuine charities forms a suggested perception we should take on board.
Yes there are folks out there who seem to have almost super-human abilities to forge ahead, but when the dust has settled and their lives examined there was a private cost paid for that which they delivered.
For the rest of us, we may keep on, though we will have to bear in mind that we cannot, Scottie, do it all. Even those who have been fortunate to have been born and raised into a balanced and generally settled life and taken up the opportunities given will not be able to achieve everything desired.
We struggle, we survive, we go on, we stop, we start, yes we failed and stumbled, started again. We may never accomplish what we had hoped for. We were ‘there’ though, and sometimes against heavy odds we battled on, and prevailed. We did not turn against those we love. We did not destroy. We did not thrive on bitterness and hate. We did the best we could, as we could when we could.
In this troubled World where bitterness and hate stalk. Where Hope and Compassion are constantly threatened and sometimes mocked that dear friend, is often enough. For one short space or span of time we did what we could and maybe our role is not yet over, maybe we will at some stage come back again once we have rested and repaired.
You have in your own life achieved so very much Scottie. Hold that close to yourself, value those accomplishments they have had their resonances down the years.
Take care dear friend.
Roger & Sheila
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Thank you. 💖🤗🙏 Scottie
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My pleasure Scottie.
Take care you guys.
Roger👍👍
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