I talk about hate, the word, the personal cost, and what it means to me. I talk about why I tried to remove hate from myself despite my childhood of abuse. I read something Randy wrote, and I praise his skill at writing. Hugs
I had planned to do several videos today. But to be upfront with everyone this one took a lot out of me. It came very close to my own personhood. It talked about a journey I took in private emotionally and only a few close people were part of it. I felt both very drained after doing it and also found it very cathartic.
After my mini stroke some time ago, I couldn’t even pronounce the word cathartic to Ron when talking to him about the post and how it felt. I could see it, taste the word on my tongue but couldn’t get the sounds out of my mouth. I had to go to the computer and run the word through the sound program and then I could only pronounce it if I heard it with in 10 seconds. After that I struggled and Ron felt so bad for me he came over and hugged me. That is the result of being poor in the US and needing healthcare you don’t get in time. But let’s talk bad about other countries that provide their people with healthcare, mistakenly claiming they have long wait times.
Yes I am glad I made the video but in truth it delayed other videos I wanted to make and I was very fearful of making this one. See in this video I expose myself in a very vulnerable way. I admit I am human and while everyone knows I was abused it is nebulas to them. They don’t know the details of the abuse nor how it really twisted inside me … and they really would like to keep it that way.
No I am not blaming anyone nor casting dispersion on anyone. It is easy to be sympathetic but far more so if the horror doesn’t touch something emotional deep inside us. In this video I am trying to reach that feeling deep inside. If it upsets you I am sorry but ask you to examine why it does upset you. That is really the point about hate I am trying to make. Many people hate and they don’t need to be abused to feel that way. Just listen to Fox or other right wing media, it is all built on hate of one thing or the other. They never really push their cause, just what they hate. Grown men attacking a barbie movie … to prove how manly they are?
So I made the post. I would appreciate the comments, good, bad, and the ugly. It will help me grow. Both as a person and as someone who wants to do videos. Thank you. As always best wishes for everyone and hugs for those that want them.
Scottie's Playtime 
Hi Scottie. I think this was the best vid you have done. I could see that this was hard for you in how were so measured and controlled. You bared your heart here. This wasn’t about what happened to you, but who you are. It was intimate and real in a whole new scope. You did great on this!
Hugs;
Randy
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Hi Randy. Thank you. I am worn out today. I am glad I did the video and hope it got people to think on hate and how it affects their lives. That is why I made it. Not only to remove the demon I felt wanted to grow in me but to help others also deny that hate demon a foothold in their lives. Hugs
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It is a fine video, though I’m a fan of your videos because I can tell video is truly your medium. This one is not as upsetting to me as some of your posts with similar subject, because from the first, I knew where you were going so I was steeled for it. And you did a fine job. I also could tell you were steeled to do it; there was something and Randy called it above: you were measured, and more controlled.
I will say that, first, I don’t sympathize as much as empathize. When I’m a friend or more of a person, I care for them, so yes, horrifying things happening to them is horrifying to me, for them. My keeping that in a compartment doesn’t subtract from my empathy and caring for you, and for unknown others with similar experiences. I remember the first time I read about some of how you grew up, I wrote some comment like, “holy shit.” Which I usually only use in a humorous fashion, but there was nothing else to say. At that time I’d been reading here long enough to know you have a sense of humor, and you cared about people, so it was striking, when I learned how you grew up, that how you grew up didn’t break you into someone as bad as or worse than your perpetrators. My experience in working around child abuse and care cases proved to me that many people who are traumatized by painful abuse as children do empathize with others, but some people are broken in their minds and not their bodies, and then we get abusers and worse. And sometimes we get sick people who are simply sick, and they do very bad things in their sickness, which should be treated while they serve time for their crimes. It’s too bad that our system doesn’t work even now as we try so much harder to prevent and stop abuse than in, say, the 60s and 70s. Then, people truly looked the other way, and a kid had no one and nowhere unless they ran away, which was a dicey proposition in itself.
Anyway, I’m glad doing this is helping you. If it’s been weighing on you, now you may heal some with the release of that. I hope I’m phrasing this so you get what I’m saying, and that you rest well today/tonight/tomorrow, too!
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Hi Ali. Thank you for this thoughtful response. I admit I always try to be careful not to hurt people like yourself. People who I think of as really nice people who did not grow up in my world nor had experience with anything about it. The very last thing I want to do is hurt others, hurt people by forcing my childhood on them. To me I feel I am soiling people who are innocent by telling them my childhood and what happened to me. It is part of the idea that abusers push on the abused about how unworthy of love or anything we are, how damaged, bad, wrong, just pieces of shit we are. I don’t feel I am that anymore but as a child that and worse was what I was constantly told I was. Yes the stain and feeling stays with you for a long time.
No Ali, they did not break me but they sure tried. In truth the damage they did will live in me forever. It got closest when I was youngest and the hell spawn lived in the house. They had access to me 24 hours a day and could do anything they wanted to me. I have already mentioned some of the things they did to my little body, Randy knows far more and as gentle and kind a man as he is even he swears at it when I tell him. So many people have asked me why I did not run away. Where would I go, I was deep in the country with the local police taking me to appointments, with the local librarians holding my books for me behind their desk. It seems looking back it was known in the town. The thought I was being abused was not a big secret. Hell Ali I was being raped at school by the principal who was coordinating the police taking me to my court ordered exams / appointments. As I asked someone once … do you understand how hard it is to go back to class and sit in your seat
But something inside me did not want to be them, fought them as much as I could. During summers when school was out, I would pack a backpack with food and water for me and my dog, then go into the woods before the adopting father would get home. I would go on a hike, finding a clearing, take off my clothing as a way of shedding my abuse and bad thoughts, spread a big towel on the ground and spend the day reading a book I had hidden and playing with my dog. I always made sure to be out of the woods by dark, but no one cared where I was or went unless they wanted to abuse me and I was not there for their use. I often think that black lab I saved from drowning as a puppy repaid the favor by being my only friend and kept me in as normal mindset as possible.
Ali what is helpful is knowing people understand how I feel about the word hate and what it means in society. It is such a toxic word and emotion for me. I don’t use it normally and I wonder if people understand what it really is. That was the point of the video. Hate is a toxic emotion that destroys the person doing the hating. I just want people to understand that. I want people to stop saying hating when they really mean they dislike something. Did I make sense on that front? Hugs Hugs
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You don’t need to self-censor for anyone, especially me. I’m not certain what I said and how I mean it came around in my comment, but you’re familiar with my spirit, and I’m not going to worry about it. Meanwhile, we have work to do today! And it’s lunchtime in S. Central KS, and I have 2 slices of homemade bread left from the holiday.
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Hi Ali. You must know or I hope you do that I meant no offense. Instead I was trying to give you a complement. I have a view of you in my mind that may not be correct, but to me I see you as an older lady who is religious and the torn rough edged saw blades of life have not touched you in your life. I value that in you. I wish all people could be that.
I am, my childhood, and early adulthood rapes are those rough saw blade edges that I worry will rip at people like you as I have a view of who you are. I worry they will be the Freddy Krueger who will cause you my nightmares. It scares me that I might by just voicing what I lived through will hurt you, will be the very harmful thing that poisons your life, your being.
That would make me as bad as those who abused me in my mind, because I would be abusing your world view. I would be hurting you, someone I have grown to care for. Far better for me to never say a word of what I went through instead of harming one other person.
I hope you can see what I was trying to say. Again I am sorry if I offended you. Hugs
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No offense! I simply do not offend. Not that I can’t be offended, but I’m not often offended by much. An example of what would offend me is seeing a healthy person watch a less able person stumble on the sidewalk and fall, and then kicking them as they walk on by.
I have been touched by those saw blades, though not nearly to the degree you have been. I have made choices to remember that they were wrong in what they did, and that it’s not other people in general’s faults, and it should not be passed on, but instead the opposite should be. I have passed along here that I was in an abusive marriage once (and clarified that I was married to a different person then from whom I’ve been married to for 32 years and mention off and on.) That other marriage was the end of a pattern I’d been following believing that love conquered all. It conquers a lot, but not all, and I know and remember that.
I make bread at the Winter holidays, and rarely at other times, because when it’s not cold, I don’t like to heat up the house with the oven! It is very good, though. Maybe when I get a little older, I’ll make it whenever I feel like it, not worrying about calories!😋
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Hi Ali. I had forgotten your abusive marriage. I cringe the thought of you being in such a situation. I am so glad you were able to get out of that situation. You are far too nice a person to live in that world. I am glad you found your loving husband to share your life with. Hugs
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Me, too!💖 All’s well that ends well.🫂
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Also I love the reminder of homemade bread. I hope Ron and I can get back to making bread soon. It always tastes so much better … but he is busy getting the house repaired and I am doing my own thing. Hugs
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love listening to you, and seeing you. I’ve felt for years that I “knew” you but seeing that gorgeous face makes me feel so damned good about it. “then aren’t you being the abuser?” YES! People do not think of themselves being abusive when using “hate”, and they are.
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Thank you Suze. You have given me a huge complement. I often wonder when I hear people use the word hate if they understand the toxic nature of the word. Some of the most hurtful harmful words used against me as a child was being told I was hated. My adoptive parents would say they hated me. My hell spawn siblings would abuse me telling me they hated me. Not for who I was or what I was doing … but simply for existing in their home, being in their presence. Their hate became a physical and also an emotional club to beat me with. It was a knife that hurt but left no visible blood dripping wound. To this day when I read or hear “I Hate …” I cringe because to me the emotion behind that word is not loathe or dislike or a disagreement with … hate is to me a consuming fire that not only burn the ones the hate is directed towards but also burns just a hot and damaging to the ones doing the hate. Anyway that is my view. I watched hate destroy the adopting parents and their hell spawn children. Even as they tried to destroy me with hate I saw it destroy them instead. Hugs
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