It has not been an easy day for me. I did not sleep much last night getting up and doing things every few hours due to pain and the thoughts in my head. This afternoon the intrusive thoughts got horrible. While doing the dishes with The Majority Report on the kitchen TV I realized the thoughts in my head had taken over, I was standing there crying, and had no idea what the people on the screen were talking about.
I struggled to get myself under control. I did stuff all day. When Ron called me from Texas I failed to tell him about my issues. Instead I told him it was OK and to take all the time they both needed before coming home.
Scared of going to bed I stayed up and started making a red sauce and got it pretty well along. I let it cool and then put it on a trivet and put it in the refrigerator. Then as I was getting ready to shut the computer down the YouTube app sent me this link to this the first video. It is one when I first got to see it decades ago that I realized I had to own it. I bought the disk even before I even had something to play it on. I learned the song perfectly note by note. At that time in my life hiding my past, and being in the Army I felt in some ways I was the hero of the movie. I also felt I was in the part of the movie where the Indian boy tells the girl why he won’t make love to her. You are anyone’s; it is how you were taught to accept love. I want you to be special or some words to that effect. That also I felt was me, I was anyone’s, not because I wanted it but because I had no choice, and yes sometimes it saved me or made me feel special. Weird how that works with an abused child.
So YouTube being what it is, seeing I played the first song, sent me a second one. One I love, one I have on my phone, one I use as a warning to myself and others. If I start playing that song I am in trouble. I am crying now and very tired. I will put both songs below, and the movie is much better than the one I am posting; the other I don’t even understand why I am posting, except I am tired, worn, and a bit scared and just want my thoughts to stop. Have no fear I will go to the bedroom and snuggle the cat and get some rest if possible. If not I will get up and keep plugging away. It is what I do, what I have always done. I just backed out a lot of what I wrote after this. I realized while it was just me musing out loud trying to figure out how to move forward, that it could scare some of you. So no need to do that. My seasons are not over, not yet. Hugs
Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Stick around. Who else is going to keep arguing with me?
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Hi Ali. 😁😂🤣🥰 I wanted to reassure people I am not suicidal and not self harming, but figured that might scare people if I wrote too much. My doctors quietly look for signs of self harm or abuse when I see them. I do get close to it sometimes but so far have managed to keep it in check. Hugs
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And I should have written that I appreciate you doing that, too, Scottie. Last time, it put me on high alert. But this time because you wrote that, I gave you a loving but lighter comment. We really don’t have to argue, as that likely puts a load on your battery.
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Hi Ali. Thank you but it is not our conversations / discussions / disagreements that bother me. It is intrusive thoughts that hammer me. Intrusive thoughts are negative thoughts of everything you did or said that was negative or wrong. Every simple honest mistake becomes a hammer your mind hits you with. It wears you down, lowering your mental barriers. Lately the last three days have been really bad. After the barriers are down or during the fight against the thoughts come the memories and the pain / fear of the past. It is why I need constant distractions but like I said it has been so bad that it has broken through every barrier and distraction I could errect / make. It has already started this morning while getting my first cup of coffee. I fear it will be another bad day. Hugs
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You and Tupac are bigger and stronger. You can do it. Stomp them.
And give Ron that dirty phone call. I swear that works to raise a mood!
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PS: I get that you’re not struggling with a simple mood. Still, try it. Also, be aware that there is a full moon tomorrow at 4:09 PM CST. The moon messes with people’s metabolic balances. It could be that some of this will pass by tomorrow, if you can get yourself to stomp it today. We’ll all be here on the blog! 🙂
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Hi Ali. Thanks for the suggestions. I did talk to Ron as he went to bed but while in Texas, and he was in no shape for sexy talk. He had to go to urgent care for his breathing. His lungs are bad and he gets bronchitis easily. This times the doctors said it was a closing of his bronchial tubes and prescribed medication and cough syrup. It is knocking him out but I am not sure if they are correct. Because I have seen him hospitalized with his bad lungs for bronchitis.
As for how I am doing today has been much better than the last three days. I have cooked, did household chores, and took care of Tupac. Here is the thing.
I have no idea why or when the thoughts hit. For the three days prior to today they were really merciless hammering me every other minute. When I got up and started to make my morning coffee I was hit with them again, painfully even as I had a pod cast playing in my ears. I thought I would have another really bad day.
But Ali, it did not happen as I went about my day doing what I normally do the disractions in my ears and the stories I tell myself were enough that I have not had the intrusive thoughts bother me to that extent. Yes one here and there, some trying to break through my shields, but nothing like I was going through. I would love to understand why. I would save it, bottle it, and keep it near me at all times.
Ali I was very close to selfharming again. I was in real danger from where my mind was pushing me. Randy was calling me two or three times a day even when he was at work. Looking back I can see how scary it must have been for him, I was on the edge of the bridge and I may have fallen off even if I did not mean to jump.
But today things changed. I am not sure why. I feel lighter, happier, and the thoughts in my head took a vacation. Not much more I can say friend. It is my life, I have to deal with it. But for today / tonight I feel better, happier, and more able to deal than I have in a week. Sad thing is I can’t find anything on the other monitor to watch to keep me distracted, I keep starting and stopping videos. Hugs
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Our brains do their own things sometimes. All we can do is all we can do. Maybe you can finally get those Picards watched? It’s been over a year since you said you guys were definitely going to sit down to watch them, but you haven’t reported doing that yet. Maybe those will get you through as you move about your day.
Last night it occurred to me how helpful a routine is for me. Routine may not work for you, though you say above that going about chores seemed to help. But routine could help. It sort of gives me a “OK, now it’s time to do this. Then I will do that.” mindset. It seems to make a difference, for me. It could help. Mainly, I am glad you’re standing taller and breathing deeper today! I saw you were having a hard time in spite of your brave words; I worry that too many of these immigration abuse videos are messing with your disposition. Maybe a better balance, as there are other things happening surrounding the issue but that are helpful to people. We need to know about those, too. Just a thought.
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Hello my Brother. You need to get some different ear worms happening, some different songs in your head. So, hear goes (lol)….https://scottiesplaytime.com/2026/01/30/an-answer-to-a-struggle/
Hugs!!
randy
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Thank you Randy. I missed that one. I get so wrapped up trying to put out the fires I stop seeing the trees. I will enjoy the post. Hugs.
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