Since Ron came home we have been very intuned with each other. Each of us trying to give the other space and as much positive interaction as possible. Yet I started to get irritable and Ron was noticing so I apologized this morning. This morning is important, but let’s get back to that.
Ron needs interaction and attention. Plus I have gone back to making meals and making sure he eats. That takes two hours out of my morning at least, but even more when I tell you what happened this morning.
I got up at five, fed the cat who clings to me even though he is Ron’s cat. I settled down to “work” putting together the cartoon / meme / news roundup that has not gone out in recent days. Then Ron surprised me. He got up early at 6:30 am. OK.
TMI to come.
It is my birthday and knowing how sexual I am he appeared at my office door offering sexual relations. One of the issues Ron had with the effects of the libido killing medication is he felt pressured some times to meet my needs when he really did not want to or feel it. I had made a promise to not put such pressure on him when we talked about it when he got home at the same time he was trying to tell me he realized how important it was and wanted to work to be more sexual and he was starting to feel more sexual desire as the medications worked out of his system. But when he appeared with his grand offer I had to gently tell him I felt that because today was my birthday he would feel pressured to offer me favors. I did not want him to feel that pressure and because I am hypersexual … Again TMI… I masturbated in my office to porn before he got up… Twice. When I explained that to him at first he seemed surprised and then I got the reaction I wanted when I explained it. He blossomed and lite up understanding I was respecting him.
Then I went back to my posting and and for the next three hours Ron kept coming to my door to talk to me, to ask my opinion on this or that or could I go with him to another part of the house to talk about something. I guess I started to show irritation because Ron suddenly said this will be the last time I bother you.
But this is what has been happening since he has been home. He doesn’t seem to understand I need time and ability to do the posts. I need to understand he needs and wants my interactions. I try to divert him to his own projects but he is not easy to divert.
OK one of the reasons I voluntarily went to therapy was I was lashing out at Ron in irritation of everything. I have PTSD and according to the therapist, I am OCD. I use the OCD to try to manage my PTSD. So when Ron is being himself and is not ordered, not picked up, not… well Ron is a old never reformed youngest child frat boy. He leaves everything where he last used, he folds towels like if he just gets it somewhat near a shape he can push it on the shelf, or he will root for a towel leaving the rest looking like a possum made a nest of them. He will leave his socks on what ever surface in the livingroom he takes them off near. His shoes are all over the house I trip over them. The end of last year I was exploding and very angry. I went to therapy.
Before I saw “Sally Sunshine” I had already figured out the problem and the solution. I have lived with Ron for 36 years. I knew and accepted what he was in the first few months. I thought over the years I could change him but over the last year I was lashing out at him for these things and he was getting very defensive and withdrawing from me. I realized the truth before I ever saw the therapist, and she was shocked I figured this out.
The problem was not Ron nor his actions which he always apologized for and said he would correct. The problem was my reaction to it and how I was letting my irritation build to massive anger. I got to the point when the towel shelves were messed up I would angrily demand he come back down to the bedroom and refold every towel. He would do it but he was hurt. Once I steped back from it all then realized something important. He was hurt!
Before I went to therapy I realized the simple truth of the situation. If it bothered me so much I could simply correct it myself. Why humiliate him and make him feel bad for something he couldn’t help as it was ingrained in him and he couldn’t stop it anymore than I could stop the nightmares at night that leave me screaming that he tries to save me from? I vowed to change and I did. Now when the towels are rooted through I simply take them out and refold them my self like I want them to be. That is what I should have done from the start. I love him.
Back to this morning. While he was standing there nude in my office doorway I went to him and hugged him. I apologized for my irritability the last few days and told him it was wrong of me. I also told him it was OK for him to call me out on it if I get acting irritable with him again. Boy did he put that to the test this morning with three hours of needing / wanting my attention. But it worked out. I gave him the attention he wanted.
This afternoon he went out. Did I mention it is my birthday? He came back with two big steaks, something I have always loved but on our income have not had in nearly a year. He also had flowers he arranged and put in a vase. He got all the things I might like such as baking potatoes and the fixing for them. He had gone out for prime rib but he couldn’t find it, his other choice was to take me out, but sadly I have gotten to dislike leaving my home. I know I need to change that but even as I offered to go out Ron realized I wouldn’t enjoy it. I only leave the house now for doctor’s appointments or to accompany him on large shopping trips. I have developed an anxiety about leaving the house just like I have for voice conversations on the phone.
So Ron is making a large birthday meal complete…
So Ron called me to eat. He had set up the folding table we use as a dining room table while the remodeling is going on. He had a vase of flowers and our plates of steak and spiral potatoes. I could see he was frustrated as he apologized he never got the broccoli with cheese sauce done. It was a good meal, everything was tasty and good. I ate my fill of decent steak something I have not had in a long time and Ron cooked them on the grill. It was wonderful.
I did ask him what he wanted for his upcoming 71st birthday, and he suggested several things not available in our area that he got in Texas. But then he said he would think on it. What ever makes him happy I will do.
But I had started tomorrow’s cartoons / memes / and news roundup but it is late here after 7 pm, and I am wearing down. By this time normally I am thinking of bed and to tell the truth I am now. I will try to do a bit more and get up at 4 am to get it out at a resonable tiime. Just letting everyone know why posts have been sporadic and not timely. Thanks in advance for your understanding. This is our 36th year together and I am not going to jeopardize our relationship. But I have to get him to find a balance. I need to find a balance as well. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 