I recently watched a fantastic TED video, and I really do invite everyone to watch. It’s about 20 minutes and is here: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBnocNg69o4). In this TedTalk, Miles Taylor talks about how he went to Washington DC as a young page to dedicate his life to never allowing another 9-11 type event. Then came Trump, and his simple opposition to trump’s policies and procedures garnered trump accusing him of being a traitor, death threats to him, his wife, his baby daughter. As I watched this, I thought about my own concerns and experiences including the near violent responses I’ve heard from otherwise decent people who couldn’t respond with decency when defending trump. Says it all, doesn’t it?
But, it got me to ask a simple question to Google, and I was really surpised by the answer. I asked: are maga responses to criticism similar to domestic abuse?
It became clear that I am not the only one to see the uncomfortable parallel. The following is the copy/paste answer Google offered:
Psychological and political experts, as well as abuse survivors, have drawn notable parallels between the defensive communication tactics used by the MAGA movement and the behavior patterns of domestic abusers. Both rely on emotional manipulation and coercive control to maintain power and invalidate critics.
These parallels include tactics such as:
- Gaslighting: Denying established facts or public statements, making followers and the public question their own memory or sanity.
- DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender): When criticized, the immediate response is to deny the allegation, attack the critic’s credibility, and claim that the MAGA figure or movement is actually the victim.
- Isolation: Portraying mainstream media, political opponents, and dissenters as corrupt or enemies, actively encouraging followers to cut off alternative perspectives and only trust the movement.
- Minimizing and Dismissing: Downplaying the severity of concerning behavior—or even downplaying physical and sexual abuse allegations as mere “allegations” or “smears”.
- Projection: Accusing critics or the opposition of the exact wrongdoing or corruption that they themselves are currently facing.
I’ve realized that I remain quiet in response to people ranting about their great and wise leader’s latest spite-filled fact-barren public embarrassment. In truth, I’m not terribly concerned about being the victim of violence, but do I really want the aggravation? I’ve realized, much to my embarrassment, that I’ve become another one of the silent majority; those who would not accept violence and abuse but only speak up in a safe environment. And, as Miles Taylor mentioned, it is the silent majority that make the abuse possible.
Is this cowardice? Is this simple self-preservation? Or, have I just become accustomed to the abusive caustic environment that the rise of trump has brought to our country? I’d like to say it is the latter, but damn. This is our reality now, but is that how I want to live? Is that even healthy?
I’ve come to realize that we are in a toxic relationship with those we love: our fellow countrymen. And, while some would say this is ridiculous, here are some questions that I’ve found to indicate one is in such a dangerous place:
Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?
Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
What the hell has happened to us?!
What is worse is that due to the unhinged response we receive when we attempt to ask questions and hope for better, the defensiveness of his followers shut it down. The result is that this clown can do any illegal act and any restraint is met with calls for violence and abuse. Further, abusers abuse so that they can continue to abuse — meaning — having the power to abuse is not going to be willingly given up.
This Country has had problems from the beginning, fighting amongst ourselves and outright abusing people on the shores of our great nation. But we have always had the hope of moving toward a more perfect union. I don’t feel that anymore. I find myself feeling the destruction of deeply held ideals, like the Primacy of the Constitution and the idea that No One Is Above The Law. Am I just being naïve? Is this how Medgar Evers felt? Is this how Sitting Bull felt? I don’t know, but I do not feel that expectation of something better to come anymore. I feel like once abuse has become acceptable in this union, once those diseased claws have sunk into the marrow….
Scottie's Playtime 
Narcissists prey on the uncertain among us. They know their targets and can spot them from across the room, the street, or through a train window. You can spot THEM by the company they keep, and how they comment about their poorer friends behind their collective backs.
They worship money, not just theirs but anyone’s. They also mistrust change, since routine is what they can handle more easily. Change is bad, it’s not to be trusted. Sigh.
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But, Judy, they do not acknowledge how very much things have changed, and in such a short time! I thought W’s admin worked quickly, and this admin has put that one to shame!
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Hi Ali. I just finished my reply to Judy and saw yours. Could you expound on this a bit?
Randy
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Hi Judy. I thought about your comment and found myself confused because trump has brought a lot of changes, but then I realized that his “change” is chaos, and he controls the chaos by crazy media posts, outright lies and abuses. His many changes are the control he seeks, and as such, anything that happens without his approval is met with outrage. Took me a minute.
As I’ve mentioned, these “conversation starters” are meant for just that, to push the conversation on a topic and very much NOT to presume that I have all or any of the answers. Also, I want people to feel unencumbered posting their opinions and facts. I don’t need to agree, but I bet I learn from them.
And, so, your comment made me think of a former coworker/supervisor who nearly destroyed our business before the owner disposed of him: he was obsessed with lying about his wife’s earnings – that she was a doctor and he paid her student loans off (she is not and he did not), his “rental properties” (said he had 6, he had zero), that he was a chef learning under Gordon Ramsey (he was a mediocre cook at best and never trained under Ramsey). He was great at building a lie, talking away a person’s “red flags”, and he would build himself into a business until he eventually self-destructed. I’ve seen him do it three times, and I’ve only known him about 12 years. He would talk behind people’s back, seeking to humiliate and destroy their image or authority. And, frighteningly, he too thought he was God’s gift to women. The shame of it all was that he did have some very real abilities, but was so self-absorbed that he couldn’t settle in and do a great job without believing himself above it all and steal/lie/cheat/abuse. Amazing how they seem to follow a pattern, eh?
-Randy
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Well, blundersonword, I am known not only for my use of many, many words, but also for being naive about my fellow humans. Just stating that outright before the rest of it. 😀
I don’t believe that the abuse has become accepted here. I believe there are so many who feel as we do, but are quiet because they think it will be over soon, and once the dangerous are not in power, we will all make sure it doesn’t happen anymore. (I know people who’ve said that to me, after asking how we’ve gotten here.)
It’s difficult to wait, but on the other hand, having dealt with this before, sometimes it is better to “keep the powder dry” (an expression I abhor because of the implied violence but it’s the most common one used in these cases) until there are enough people open-eyed enough and ready to join with the rest of us to peacefully and assertively make sure this does not happen again. There are organizations like Indivisible who are getting the groundwork laid now.
If only we can keep from arguing amongst ourselves as to how… 😉 And if we can keep reminding those who are waiting, that we can’t just forget about this the way they did after Reagan’s and W’s (and soon to be, Nixon’s!) crimes.
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Hi Ali. I think I once thought much like you mention, sort of a “this too shall pass”. I wonder if it is like a hurricane, and once past what will it leave? You mentioned Nixon, but even his fellow Republicans were ready to put him in prison. Trump seems to have found a way to capitalize on the obstructionist methodology of Mitch McConnell and John Boehner, putting party over country and creating a willing dismissal of laws and customs. Do you believe that will find correction?
Randy
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Hi Randy on the subject of congress people putting party over country. John Boehner pushed hard for the republican party crimilzing of cannabis and the extreme penalties for it. After he was forced out of congress he got a new job on the board of a cannabis company he has hugely invested in over his years in congress. Wow. Hugs
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I don’t have a response to that, Scottie. I find myself staring at the screen in awe of the audacity and weird duplicity. I’m with you…. wow.
Randy
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