Classified Dum-Dums by Clay Jones

This is what happens when you only hire morons Read on Substack

I read a theory on Facebook yesterday, which means there was heavy research behind it (sarcasm), that Trump only hired morons because they would provide distractions from all the Trump Fuckery he’s implementing. I think that might be a bonus, but I don’t agree with it.

I think Trump only hires morons, not because they’re morons, but because they’re all sycophants and none will challenge his Trump Fuckery. For the love of God, Kristi Noem even got the Melania hairstyle. I’m kinda shocked JD Vance didn’t get it too.

We’ve gone over the idiot picked from Fox & Friends in the Defense Department, Pete Hegseth, inadvertently leaking classified intel, so let’s discuss the puppy-murdering idiot at Homeland Security.

Kristi Noem had her purse snatched while at Capital Burger in Washington, DC. Surveillance footage showed the suspect purposefully moving close to Noem as he zeroed in on her Gucci bag near her feet.

A source said the thief, dressed in dark clothing, sat down at an empty table next to Noem with his back facing her and used his left foot to slide the bag away. He surveyed the restaurant before eventually picking up the bag, covering it with his jacket, and leaving.

He was a smooth criminal, but ya ain’t gotta be that smooth to steal from a Trump dummy.

Country mouse still has a lot to learn about living in the big city (knock on wood since I’m still in Chicago), and one of the things you should know is to keep your bag in your vision. For example: My backpack, which my iPad, passport, keys, and other items is in right now, is sitting on the chair right across from me in this Starbucks while I write this.

See? No one’s gonna steal my Mocha Frappe either.

So Kristi doesn’t know how to traverse the big city, but what’s her detail’s excuse? While Noem was dining with her family, who still hasn’t alienated her despite the puppy killing, the Secret Service inside the restaurant keeping an eye on things. Well, most things.

The thief managed to swipe Noem’s purse right in from of her, the Secret Service, and every member of those yee-haw fuckers she calls her family. This must be a criminal mastermind. If the government catches him, I suggest they hire him. He can teach the Secret Service how thieves steal from MAGA morons.

But what’s interesting is what was inside Noem’s Gucci bag, as it included a Louis Vuitton Clemence wallet, her driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, passport, DHS access badge, makeup bag, blank checks, and about $3,000 in cash.

Ya know, if a Russian, North Korean, or Chinese spy wanted to access our government, they don’t have to do none of that Tom Cruise Mission Impossible crap. They would just need to snatch Kristi Noem’s purse…or just wait for Pete Hegseth to share classified intel on a chat app, or for Trump to Tweet it or hand it to Russians in the Oval Office.

But what was Kristi doing with $3,000 in cash? Did the thief also steal her pager? Paging Director Dumbass! A DHS spokesgoon said, “Her entire family was in town, including her children and grandchildren – she was using the withdrawal to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts.”

Hey, country mouse. Have you ever heard of a bank card? Even the food trucks in DC take them. Try the Venezuelan food truck by the L’Enfant Metro station. It’s amazeballs.

Sure, we should all keep some cash on us, because you never know, but $3,000 is a bit much. And why is she carrying blank checks? Hardly anyone takes checks anymore, and everyone should be advised not to take checks from Trumpers. Elon’s probably still waiting for Trump’s check to clear for the Tesla he purchased on the White House lawn.

Jonathan Wackrow, a CNN law enforcement analyst and former Secret Service agent, said, “If necessary, the Secret Service will need to make operational changes on how they deal with these types of private events moving forward.” If anything, it’ll be necessary for the Secret Service to adjust and realize they’re guarding very stupid people now, people who aren’t smart enough to keep their stuff in their sight.

Wackrow also said Noem remains “at higher risk for targeted threats, both by foreign and domestic actors, and just her public profile alone makes her a symbolic target.”

Well, she’s a higher target now that everyone knows how stupid she is.

Chicago note: After my deadlines were met yesterday, I was free to go exploring. I got a meatloaf sandwich at a place where the waiters insult you.

(snip-MORE, go see!)