Like many, I remember when I realized that I found boys far more interesting than I did girls. I much preferred to be around them, was very curious about what they hid in their shorts, and knew very clearly that admitting to that would not be a safe thing to do.
As my friends began to find girls interesting I found fear and confusion instead. I found myself being left behind. I found the image in the mirror horrifying. And I found that the more I tried to avoid my problems, the more problems I had. And, I imagine now, as a late middle-aged man who grew up during the Reagan Aids fiasco, that many people of my generation found themselves in similar circumstances.
As time went, I was a decent student and received a fair education. I got a decent job and was a fair worker. I saved my money and did my best to treat people fairly. But, I was hiding who I was, only giving in to my desires occasionally and almost always very poorly. I was lost in my own camouflage, a victim of my own propaganda, and very much alone.
When I consider the affronts people endure to be themselves, I always wonder what those who abuse them would prefer? Would they prefer a person transitioning to match their outside with their inside identity to live a false life, to have to hide who they are, to be miserable? Are they so unwilling to view the sometimes lumpy way life comes about that they believe it acceptable to torture others?
When I was young I very much enjoyed watching the unusual characters on tv. Quirky people who didn’t quite fit society but were so very unapologetically genuine and fascinating and fun were far more interesting to me than the Ward Cleaver’s of the world. But I wasn’t that brave. I feared the “real Randy”.
Now I watch the judgmental speak on those who would risk being genuine in a cruel world, and it saddens me.
It seriously saddens me that we have these maga people thinking that people like my nephew who is openly gay are sick. These maga people don’t want liberty they want closets again, people afraid to be themselves, to be happy and to be free. It saddens me that seeing someone not fully conformed to the current image of masculinity or femininity somehow threatens them, makes them afraid, brings about spite and hatred. And worse, we have a government that clamors about the word “freedom” yet supports and shields those who would deny it to fellow Americans.
I watched a few Ted Lasso episodes and heard him speak that quote about “Be Curious, Not Judgmental”. I was fascinated by the simplicity – and devastated to realize the idea wasn’t new. The irony is that in the land of the free we only succeed by being confined to an approved image. And so, I find myself mystified and even a bit lost as I see the brave ones being true. I know I won’t ever really understand what they are feeling and thinking, but I am fascinated.
It is my sincere hope that I can go forward with the courage and compassion to be curious.
Thanks and Hugs.
randy
ps: I always thought Ward Cleaver must be gay because he really had some board feet shoved up his ass. just my humble opinion.
Scottie's Playtime 