Do you have a secret you can’t tell anyone. As a 12 year old I had to please my drunk adopting mother because she promised to tell me about my real father if I did. She did not. I had secrets I could not tell anyone.
As anyone can imagine I spent most of my time either out of the house and away from danger or when I got one at 7 or 8 years old in my room listening for the sounds of footsteps and angry voice coming closer to me. Hugs
This last one I played so often to drive my demon thoughts out and to ask the question in my mind there was no answer to. When I cried why … well I know why, small town politics, fear of my adopting father, not wealthy but a man of great strength and fighting skill. No one wanted to cross him. Maybe some day I will find the answer. Or at least peace. Hugs
Sorry for this post. I was really doing well today. But the last hour everything crashed in on me. In Star Trek The next Generation Data the unfeeling android has an off switch hidden but for those that know where it is he can simply be turned off. Right now I want to turn off. Where is my hidden switch that will keeps these damn intrusive thoughts and memories turned off. Anyway I was going to make baked ziti for supper but I picked up three pounds of ground chuck and will use a pound to make sloppy joes instead. Hugs
It has not been an easy day for me. I did not sleep much last night getting up and doing things every few hours due to pain and the thoughts in my head. This afternoon the intrusive thoughts got horrible. While doing the dishes with The Majority Report on the kitchen TV I realized the thoughts in my head had taken over, I was standing there crying, and had no idea what the people on the screen were talking about.
I struggled to get myself under control. I did stuff all day. When Ron called me from Texas I failed to tell him about my issues. Instead I told him it was OK and to take all the time they both needed before coming home.
Scared of going to bed I stayed up and started making a red sauce and got it pretty well along. I let it cool and then put it on a trivet and put it in the refrigerator. Then as I was getting ready to shut the computer down the YouTube app sent me this link to this the first video. It is one when I first got to see it decades ago that I realized I had to own it. I bought the disk even before I even had something to play it on. I learned the song perfectly note by note. At that time in my life hiding my past, and being in the Army I felt in some ways I was the hero of the movie. I also felt I was in the part of the movie where the Indian boy tells the girl why he won’t make love to her. You are anyone’s; it is how you were taught to accept love. I want you to be special or some words to that effect. That also I felt was me, I was anyone’s, not because I wanted it but because I had no choice, and yes sometimes it saved me or made me feel special. Weird how that works with an abused child.
So YouTube being what it is, seeing I played the first song, sent me a second one. One I love, one I have on my phone, one I use as a warning to myself and others. If I start playing that song I am in trouble. I am crying now and very tired. I will put both songs below, and the movie is much better than the one I am posting; the other I don’t even understand why I am posting, except I am tired, worn, and a bit scared and just want my thoughts to stop. Have no fear I will go to the bedroom and snuggle the cat and get some rest if possible. If not I will get up and keep plugging away. It is what I do, what I have always done. I just backed out a lot of what I wrote after this. I realized while it was just me musing out loud trying to figure out how to move forward, that it could scare some of you. So no need to do that. My seasons are not over, not yet. Hugs
Hugs
I want to thank Ten Bears for the link to the song. https://homelessonthehighdesert.com/2026/01/16/freys-day-four-twenty-forget-me-not/ But I did not repost his post of it as I should have because I struggle to understand the words despite repeated listening to it. So this morning I looked up the lyrics. I like the song and the lyrics ring true to me. I will post both. Lyrics first. Hugs
[Verse 2]
They say the prisoner at Spandau was a symbol of defeat
Whilst Hess remained imprisoned and the fascists, they were beat
So the promise of an Aryan world would never materialize
[Chorus]
So why did they all come out of the woodwork on the day the Nazi died?
[Verse 3]
The world is riddled with maggots; the maggots are getting fat
They’re making a tasty meal of all the bosses and bureaucrats
They’re taking over the boardrooms, and they’re fat and full of pride
[Chorus]
And they all came out of the woodwork on the day the Nazi died
[Verse 4]
So if you meet with these historians, I’ll tell you what to say
Tell them that the Nazis never really went away
They’re out there burning houses down and peddling racist lies
Scottie's Playtime 