I have tried five times to write this post to only put it in drafts and a day later try again.   Last night Ron came into the bedroom because I went to bed about 5 PM after he fixed me something to eat for supper, he got really upset because he said I felt really fevered and wanted to take my temperature.   I was too restless and just wanted to sleep.  I guess I drifted off and he checked in on me often before he came to bed.  So I will try to edit this from all the other posts and get it out today, as I already am failing.  Ron is upset because my back muscles are not stopping the spasms but are still actively jumping and swollen.   Which shouldn’t be happening because I just got my steroid desensitizing back shots.  

Those that follow the blog know I am trying hard to expand my activities.   The end of last week I tried hard to do things both with Ron and on my own.   It caused me to get very sick.   What no doctor has explained to me or even looked into is why my body when stressed gets very ill.   It happened when I tried to go back to work in 2010, and in four years I went from pretty stable and feeling the best I had in decades to being so ill I was in the hospital more as a patient than a worker.   My hospitalist doctor was a friend I worked with in the ICU and he told me I had to stop working and reduce the stress on my body or he would be going to my funeral.   And that was going to happen very soon.   My body was shutting down.   

So I stopped working and I went into a deep depression.  That was when I had my emotional breakdown and my childhood abuse became something I couldn’t hide from, couldn’t bury, and couldn’t face.   I refused to come out of the bedroom.  That was when my doctors that were handling my mental health and my pain doctor talked to Ron about giving me something to do to distract me, which was the candle making.    For those that don’t know, Ron set up my computers and a candle making station up in the bedroom and even while he was working nights and trying to sleep I would make candles non-stop.   But during that time I started hurting my self again, self harm.  I started cutting.  Something I had not done for decades.     

It was also when Randy showed me how much a brother he was and how much he cared.   Randy worked long and hard night shifts, but he called me constantly and kept his phone on, often waking up just to check in on me.   I do not like talking on the phone as it was one of the things I was punished harshly for in childhood, but I do enjoy talking with Randy.   If I felt the vortex coming or it dragging me I would call Randy and he would spend hours talking to me, distracting me, helping me.   The God’s only know how much sleep he lost and how much money if he could have billed me for those hours how wealthy he would be today.  

Anyway on to today.   I have been trying to do more, both for my self to keep my body going and to help Ron.  He is working so hard on the outside construction of the house and he is so tired and worn that I am trying hard to do as much as I can inside the house.    I was warned, Nan warned me several times in the comments to not over do.

But I over did badly.   So much so that Friday evening I carried a misdelivered small package to the neighbor next door who is an older woman who was so concerned about me falling because I couldn’t stand upright because my back kept giving out, she insisted on helping me back home.  Over the weekend I was so sick I was throwing up and stuck in bed.   I thought yesterday I would be OK but by noon I went to bed and stayed there until this morning.   Ron kept coming in to check on me and at one point he said he got scared as I was so still he thought I was not breathing.   

I thought everything was back to my normal today when I went for my shower after the Sunday news shows.   Oh shit was I wrong.   I was fine as I got everything ready, did the normal things like teeth brushing and shaving.  But my back kept complaining more and hurting more as I was standing.  See standing is the worst thing for me.  If I go shopping with Ron, the worst thing is if he stops to comparison shop, I have to keep walking in circles or back and forth.   But I got into the shower and started on doing my very long hair.

Very long story short, my back gave out and I sank to the bottom of the shower.  I finished my shower while sitting on the floor.   When I was able to get back on my feet, get dried off, and got dressed, then I made another mistake.  I told Ron what happened.  He was mortified and furious I did not somehow summon him.   Like how, telepathy?  But I also admit I was scared.  I couldn’t stand, and it was scary sitting on the shower floor.   But I also know I can not show that to Ron.  He has enough on his mind with fixing the house and if he thinks I got scared in the shower he will stop what repairs he is doing and rip the shower out to put in one with seats.

But I understand.   Ron is like me.  He gets very upset when he sees me fail and he knows he wants to help, just as I get upset when I see him fail on something like not being able to do something or his blood sugar or other medical need and I try to help him.  

So that is why my online stuff has been hit and more like miss this last week, and why a lot of my posting was either from early morning or just email from my bed.  My back has already starting giving out and I have not even done anything but sat in my chair, and I need to go lay down.  

So that has been our last week.   Ron working hard on getting new bids for FEMA and trying to keep fixing what he can.   He has bids on the bottom of the house, the leveling, and he also got bids on the flooring and other things.    Me getting what medical help I can and James doing his thing at his job and helping all his friends and us.   So tomorrow we all move forward if we can.   See you in the comments.    Hugs