The below is my response to a thread on the Male Survivor site where people were talking about intervening if they saw something suspicious but not outright abuse with a child. One guy commented that what if the adult later took it out on the child. Sorry but these are the memories and never seeming to stop thoughts I am dealing with right now. Hugs. Scottie
—————————————————————————————————————
Hi. That is what happened to me. I was driving my snowmobile to a basket making shop to cut up cardboard for the owner. It was a job a kid could do and earn a little money. The owner was friends with my parents. I hit ice, couldn’t completely stop in time, bumped the bumper of a large car. No damage to the car but the cowling / hood of the snowmobile was broken badly. That meant I had to call my AF (the male of the couple who adopted me, the woman is AM, their children are the hell spawn) who showed up at the place while I was inside cutting the cardboard in a separate area of the shop. He came in and started to beat me. My AF is a large man with huge arms and shoulders who was a barroom brawler when younger. The man who owned the shop was a former Marine and taller than the AF but maybe as strong. He heard my cries and AF swearing at me, rushed in to the area I was being beaten, grabbed the AF and pushed him to the wall away from me. It might have got worse but the other workers were now watching. I never saw what happened as very quickly someone grabbed me and took me to the other part of the shop and got me calmed down. I was so relieved. The owner came to tell me that the AF had left and they were going to fix my machine at the shop, so someone would drop me off at home. Then came the time I had to go home.
There was no one there to protect me. I walked through the door and closed it, and the fist smashed into my face throwing me back into the door. He picked me up and slammed me into the door, then turned around still holding me and threw me down on the floor. He was furious raging about me embarrassing him, and he would teach me not to go crying to others. Had I not learned it before never to tell, take like the … I was. The beating was bad with slaps, punches, and kicks, the sexual torture horrible starting with oral and going to hurt rape anal, and the humiliating thing he made me do after he finished in me was just more salt in my wounds. At least after he finished I knew it would be over, he had spent his rage but his anger would simmer until the next time. I was in bed in my little tiny room hardly big enough for a small bunk bed having been warned to keep my sniveling quiet so the AM wouldn’t be upset when she got home. I was told not to come out or let him see me again that day / night. I heard him yelling telling the AM that I was grounded and wouldn’t get supper for smashing the snowmobile and disobeying him. He told her only that he punished me. She never checked on me. The next day trying to move and get up was horrible. The AM seen me and told me to stay home from school. I was terrified because the AF would be home from work soon as he worked nights. As soon as she left I took a small pack with water / soda and stole snacks from the pantry and went into the woods to hide for the day. After the weekend I went back to school. Same story, I got hurt fighting with other kids, or fell off my bike going very fast, or one of the other ones I was practiced at telling such as fell down the stairs in a home that had no stairs. I was terrified to touch the snowmobile after that.
Unless you can get the child or abused person away from the abuser intervening might make it much worse for them when no one is there to stand up for them. Best wishes. Scottie
Best Wishes and Hugs,
Scottie
Scottiesplaytime.com
Scottie's Playtime 
🫂🫂🫂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Janet. I have to admit the child in me is upset only two people responded. The adult in me understands that there are many posts now on this blog, most not from me and people don’t know which is which. I wanted that. I wanted this blog to appeal to different people. I knew with what I am going through I needed to add other voices to the blog or I would turn it into my own abuse grievance channel. I did not want it to become that. But a small part of me wants validation, but the adult in me tells me I don’t need it.
You are new to my life so you may not know why I sign off with hugs. It is because in my entire childhood I was never hugged. I never had that simple comfort children desire other than a few men that were using my body for their pleasure. I learned as an adult to love and really like hugs, even from strangers. Maybe it is the little boy in me but I find it an acknowledgment of my existence and friendship. However I have a few online friends that don’t like hugs and I can respect that. I was saved from being sex trafficked do to how I reacted to the housemaster trying to hug me, I shoved him back. If you want the story I will share it with you. One of the times my instinctual abuse responses saved me. Thanks again for the hugs. I can not change my past, but I can chart my future. Hugs. Scottie
LikeLiked by 1 person
Scottie, thank you for sharing with me. I also sometimes am disappointed by the lack of replies to my blog, so I understand that. Ultimately though, I write my blog for me. It’s more a personal journal than anything else.
That even a few people are interested in what I have to say is gratifying.
What was done to you breaks my heart. It’s so tragic. That you have come as far as you have in your recovery is truly amazing.
I love hugs. I find myself mostly touch starved in this phase of my life. And like you, I was deprived of loving hugs.
🫂🫂🫂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Janet. You wrote, I find myself mostly touch starved in this phase of my life. I really wish I could be there to hold your hand, or give you quick friendship hugs. I wouldn’t violate your personal space other than to give you the hugs you deserve for being you. I so wish I could have been there for you in your journey to being your true self and sharing with you both the joys along with the pains / trials of what you are dealing with. But today you have my full support. Hugs. Scottie
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s very sweet Scottie. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree. I think it’s better to call professionals, tell them what we saw, and emphasize that it needs attention. But what happened to you is what happens frequently if there is no where for the child to go except back home to the abuser.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ali. Thank you. Please read what I wrote to Janet. I thank both of you for caring. But the little boy inside me wanted more people on this blog to support him. The adult in me understands that there are a lot of other posts on the blog and people have their own busy lives.
I am sorry Ali. I am raw right now. I had three hours sleep the last time I went to bed on Monday and two 20 minute naps today. Again steroids. I am trying my best to help an abuse victim that is new to his memories of abuse who that calls me twice a day for support. Often he rages and I just listen and then he spends time apologizing but it takes its toll on me.
Plus the MS blog while helping is also very triggering to me. I don’t have professional support only who I am, how I am grounded, my wonderful husband along with my online brother who keep me as best I can be. Anyway. Thanks for what you do on the blog. I think I would have closed it if not for the joy you get from posting on it. I would regret it but that is so how raw and unsettled I am. Hugs. Scottie
LikeLike
Oh my dear child……………I am enraged on your behalf, and heartbroken that this was your “normal”. I want to go back in time and have that bastard given the treatment he gave to you FIRST, then have him locked up where it is shown to him minute by minute how demeaning and painful he made your life. I am outraged that his partner didn’t attempt to stop him…she knew and did nothing. I want to wrap the child in you in my arms and let you know you are worthy of love. You are such a wonderful man, and you show your strength and the goodness that is inherent in you through your written and spoken words and actions. I am so very proud you are in my life, and even though we have never met (and probably never shall) I am so blessed because you are my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Suze. Thank you. People don’t really understand the physical strength of this man. He left school early in the 8th grade to support his mother and 7 other siblings. He got his huge muscle strength pulling boats in by hand to the docks on the St. Laurence sea way. I was a thin, starved small child and a toy doll for him. This man could take two concrete chimney blocks in one outstretched arm up a ladder at a time. In his 20 /30 he would be in bars and if a fight broke out he loved cleaning house. He was a bruiser brawler. And later he used it against a very small frail boy child.
I want to wrap the child in you in my arms. I thank you Suze and I wish some adult had … but the only ones who did wanted to use my body. As the child I was I would have responded to you that way, trying to sexually please you, not understand the simple gesture of loving comfort.
Again thank you for noticing the person I am today. It has taken decades of work to become the Scottie I am proud to be and like my self. When I left their control I promised myself not to be like them … but they had pushed it so deep in me against the very caring person I was. It was a poison to me that I had to get out of my system, my body, my mind. Their goal was to always get over on others … do to them first. I admit their poison infected me even though I hated it. I spent 6 or 8 years getting all of it out of my system. It really was not until 1994 when Ron asked me to move 1,500 miles from them that my real healing began in earnest. The poison left me.
I am so very proud you are in my life. Thank you. I think that is the first time it has been written to me, or even spoken. I wish we could meet. I feel I would not only bond with you but learn so much. Remember my abuse stunted my education in more ways that schooling.
you show your strength and the goodness that is inherent in you through your written and spoken words and actions. Again thank you. But I am struggling and failing. In a way I can not help but think it is my own fault. See I joined the Male Survivor blog way back when I was having my breakdown. When I got better I stopped going to it. Now I am going to it every morning first thing, it has become a second blog. I read others posts and reply, I post a few times and people reply, I have people wanting to talk privately on the site which they call “conversations” and while I am glad these people who are reaching out for my advice and support … it is also dragging me back in to the septic tank of shit I endured. Bringing up ever more memories and feelings. It is not just remembering. The body feels it, the senses feel all of it, the emotions of the moment from it the past crash over me, leaving suffering and trying to deal.
Suze what I am torn between is helping others which I am driven to do … maybe due to my childhood … and my own mental / emotion health. My time on the MS site is causing me to not be able to give time to the very blog I started to be my voice to the world. My attempt to give voice to the ones that had no voice. To help right wrongs and bring justice and sense back to the world. But now I have to do that for people who are just as damaged as I am who think I can help guide them. But I am just me. Their pain becomes my pain.
I am sorry Suze you did not deserve this rant / tirade / reaching out. I am abusing our friendship. I apologize. I will try to do better. Thank you. Hugs. Scottie
LikeLiked by 1 person
no. you are NOT abusing our friendship. You are, I believe, GRIEVING. The anger, shame, pain, fear of losing self, all of which stems from your childhood abuse is a way of attempting to heal that child in you…and even though it hurts, so badly that you wish it would just forever disappear, the remembrance is what will ultimately save you. The sharing is almost more difficult than just the memories……I get it. I do not see any failure on your part, I do see unrealistic expectations of yourself though. That’s a completely normal reaction for anyone with childhood abuse, whether sexual or not. Give yourself a hug from me. I am a safe place to vent Scotty.
LikeLiked by 1 person