Since Ron came home we have been very intuned with each other. Each of us trying to give the other space and as much positive interaction as possible. Yet I started to get irritable and Ron was noticing so I apologized this morning. This morning is important, but let’s get back to that.
Ron needs interaction and attention. Plus I have gone back to making meals and making sure he eats. That takes two hours out of my morning at least, but even more when I tell you what happened this morning.
I got up at five, fed the cat who clings to me even though he is Ron’s cat. I settled down to “work” putting together the cartoon / meme / news roundup that has not gone out in recent days. Then Ron surprised me. He got up early at 6:30 am. OK.
TMI to come.
It is my birthday and knowing how sexual I am he appeared at my office door offering sexual relations. One of the issues Ron had with the effects of the libido killing medication is he felt pressured some times to meet my needs when he really did not want to or feel it. I had made a promise to not put such pressure on him when we talked about it when he got home at the same time he was trying to tell me he realized how important it was and wanted to work to be more sexual and he was starting to feel more sexual desire as the medications worked out of his system. But when he appeared with his grand offer I had to gently tell him I felt that because today was my birthday he would feel pressured to offer me favors. I did not want him to feel that pressure and because I am hypersexual … Again TMI… I masturbated in my office to porn before he got up… Twice. When I explained that to him at first he seemed surprised and then I got the reaction I wanted when I explained it. He blossomed and lite up understanding I was respecting him.
Then I went back to my posting and and for the next three hours Ron kept coming to my door to talk to me, to ask my opinion on this or that or could I go with him to another part of the house to talk about something. I guess I started to show irritation because Ron suddenly said this will be the last time I bother you.
But this is what has been happening since he has been home. He doesn’t seem to understand I need time and ability to do the posts. I need to understand he needs and wants my interactions. I try to divert him to his own projects but he is not easy to divert.
OK one of the reasons I voluntarily went to therapy was I was lashing out at Ron in irritation of everything. I have PTSD and according to the therapist, I am OCD. I use the OCD to try to manage my PTSD. So when Ron is being himself and is not ordered, not picked up, not… well Ron is a old never reformed youngest child frat boy. He leaves everything where he last used, he folds towels like if he just gets it somewhat near a shape he can push it on the shelf, or he will root for a towel leaving the rest looking like a possum made a nest of them. He will leave his socks on what ever surface in the livingroom he takes them off near. His shoes are all over the house I trip over them. The end of last year I was exploding and very angry. I went to therapy.
Before I saw “Sally Sunshine” I had already figured out the problem and the solution. I have lived with Ron for 36 years. I knew and accepted what he was in the first few months. I thought over the years I could change him but over the last year I was lashing out at him for these things and he was getting very defensive and withdrawing from me. I realized the truth before I ever saw the therapist, and she was shocked I figured this out.
The problem was not Ron nor his actions which he always apologized for and said he would correct. The problem was my reaction to it and how I was letting my irritation build to massive anger. I got to the point when the towel shelves were messed up I would angrily demand he come back down to the bedroom and refold every towel. He would do it but he was hurt. Once I steped back from it all then realized something important. He was hurt!
Before I went to therapy I realized the simple truth of the situation. If it bothered me so much I could simply correct it myself. Why humiliate him and make him feel bad for something he couldn’t help as it was ingrained in him and he couldn’t stop it anymore than I could stop the nightmares at night that leave me screaming that he tries to save me from? I vowed to change and I did. Now when the towels are rooted through I simply take them out and refold them my self like I want them to be. That is what I should have done from the start. I love him.
Back to this morning. While he was standing there nude in my office doorway I went to him and hugged him. I apologized for my irritability the last few days and told him it was wrong of me. I also told him it was OK for him to call me out on it if I get acting irritable with him again. Boy did he put that to the test this morning with three hours of needing / wanting my attention. But it worked out. I gave him the attention he wanted.
This afternoon he went out. Did I mention it is my birthday? He came back with two big steaks, something I have always loved but on our income have not had in nearly a year. He also had flowers he arranged and put in a vase. He got all the things I might like such as baking potatoes and the fixing for them. He had gone out for prime rib but he couldn’t find it, his other choice was to take me out, but sadly I have gotten to dislike leaving my home. I know I need to change that but even as I offered to go out Ron realized I wouldn’t enjoy it. I only leave the house now for doctor’s appointments or to accompany him on large shopping trips. I have developed an anxiety about leaving the house just like I have for voice conversations on the phone.
So Ron is making a large birthday meal complete…
So Ron called me to eat. He had set up the folding table we use as a dining room table while the remodeling is going on. He had a vase of flowers and our plates of steak and spiral potatoes. I could see he was frustrated as he apologized he never got the broccoli with cheese sauce done. It was a good meal, everything was tasty and good. I ate my fill of decent steak something I have not had in a long time and Ron cooked them on the grill. It was wonderful.
I did ask him what he wanted for his upcoming 71st birthday, and he suggested several things not available in our area that he got in Texas. But then he said he would think on it. What ever makes him happy I will do.
But I had started tomorrow’s cartoons / memes / and news roundup but it is late here after 7 pm, and I am wearing down. By this time normally I am thinking of bed and to tell the truth I am now. I will try to do a bit more and get up at 4 am to get it out at a resonable tiime. Just letting everyone know why posts have been sporadic and not timely. Thanks in advance for your understanding. This is our 36th year together and I am not going to jeopardize our relationship. But I have to get him to find a balance. I need to find a balance as well. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
More together time is always better. That way, no regrets. Sounds like you have a good handle on that, both of you.
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Hi Ali. Routine has always been my shelter for things. The doctor says I use my OCD to help me manage my PTSD. Even in the miltary my closet and area were super orginized while my boyfriend threw his clean laundry in the bottom of his wardrobe. Ron has always been opposite me. He has not had my childhood, he had very loving parents and siblings that cared for him greatly. He was the youngest of 8 siblings and his parents doted on him. And when he started to understand how his sloppiness triggered me he really tried to change. But he just couldn’t / can’t. I had a choice. I could destroy the wonderful relationship that has been the anchor and blessing of my life, the relationship / person that kept me from self destructing to suicide. Or I could explode in anger to make a point and ruin it all. I made a choice. Just like I made a choice to take care of my abusive adoptive parents or ignore their needs and let them die in frustration and pain at the mercy of their hellspawn they let torture me who were now turned on them. I made a choice that people on the survivor website still read and tell me they don’t understand how I could do it, how I could put myself through caring for the very people who hurt me so now in their end time, cleaning the parts that they used to hurt me, holding the penis that raped me so he could urinate. Ali, I did not do it for him or her. I did it to save myself. I had to find something in me to rise above it before it destroyed me and my relationship with Ron. That is where I am now. My irritability with Ron wanting my attention, needing my time. I have to rise above it and accept it and deal with it before my anger / irritation destroys the very best thing in my life! Does that make sense to you? Am I the only one who sees this need? I have to make choices over to control my self or lose all the best things in my life. I hope you understand. Hugs
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I’m sorry-I did not mean to sound somehow unempathetic, or I’m not sure what. Certainly I don’t believe you should sacrifice your relationship in the name of perfectly stacked towels! I thought it’s always been clear how happy I am for you guys. I’m very sorry.
As to what I wrote, I only meant that together time is good, and erring on the side of being together leaves no one with regrets later when there is no more time. Does what I wrote make better sense now?
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Hi Ali. Wondereful person Ali. I did not take your reply as negative. Not at all. More together time is always better. That way, no regrets. That is really what I was trying to say and you said it better than I did. Ali I know you care. Please do not feel the need to apologize or feel the need to hedge what you mean when you reply or comment to me. As I said I know you care. You are so much the big sister I never had and in truth sometimes the big sister has to say things that may upset a slightly younger troubled sibling. That is OK Ali, really! I want you to always speak your mind and give me your honest thoughts / feelings. Please never censor yourself. I don’t expect it. I’m very sorry. Please never feel that way unless it is about a pain I am feeling or others are. Never about what you write. Ali your voice here is valued! You never need to apologize for your honest opinion! Ali I was just trying in my incoherent way to explain how I try to deal with the chaotic and toxic thoughts in my head.
Sounds like you have a good handle on that, both of you. Thank you. We both are trying. After Ron had an exasperated moment earlier he just came in and held me and kissed my forehead saying he really loved me and he hoped he had not upset me today. Ali I have been through a lot and he is older at 71 and has memory and other issues. We are both in not the best health. We are trying hard to deal with what life has dealt us to make things OK for each other. Hugs
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Hi Ali. I just wanted to add. The fact is I am not dealing with every thing well lately. When Ron got home I was and still am in heaven. But I did not really balance myself. So I need to find that balance. I am either doting on him or losing myself in side-tracking stuff stuff which leaves me with nothing getting done. I either lose myself in endless loops or I get so distracted that I never get anything done.
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I just told Ron about a memory of abuse he had not known about. It was from the adopting father where I not understanding said I wanted to go by my middle name at school, not the slave name used at home and by “family” but as all the hellspawn boys got to go by their middle name I had asked my 7th grade teachers to call me by my middle name. I thought it might make me more accepted at home. When I got home and at supper I spoke up which was rare enough but I mentioned what I had done. My adopting father roared as he lurched to his feet, picked up his plate of food and smashed it down on the table breaking it. Then he smashed everything he could reach. My adopting mother simply stood up and left the table as I was under assult of everything he could reach including broken plates and bits of food.
It was the new school year and I was entering the 7th grade at 13. I then told Ron something even more horrifying. My adoptive mother came to my room drunk and wearing only a sheer night gown. She threw herself on me as I lay nude in bed as that was something I was required to do, it made me easier to abuse. She rubbed her self on my 13 year old body with her nude body and purred to me she would tell me who my real parents were and how to find them… If I made her happy then and kept her happy. I tried Ali, I really did. I had been pleaseing her and my female hell spawn siblings for as long as I could remember, often trading my doing so to get to sleep in the hell spawns sisters warm bed instead of me lying on my very cold mat in winters. But she never told me, it was always dangled in the future if I did one more thing. Remember, I knew I was gay at the earliest age because I was also being abused by males. So pleasing the females was very jarring for me even then. I remember at 12 crying myself to sleep after first being sexually abused and then spanked to show me my place, thinking my real dad would come save me if he only knew. I never knew until much later he sold me to them knowing the abuse I would suffer.
I am so sorry. I did not mean to dump this on you! It is so unfair of me. I was addressing your comment and trying to be supportive and then Ron and I had this talk about things in my past and … Ali I am going to leave it in this reply simply because it felt so good to get it out of myself. But if you never want me to write about my childhood and past to you again please tell me. I will respect that. I do care about you!
Today and tonight as they have all week my legs keep cramping up. I am taking extra medication for the pain. But it is the damage to my spine causing the nerves to make my leg muscles contract painfully.
Ron and I just spent 20 minutes with me trying to tell him something. I was trying so hard to say a word. The dysphasia was so bad I got so upset. The word was obsessed. I was trying to say I am obsessed with my blog and doing posts on it. I could get the first part out, ob … then my mind refused to let my tongue say the rest. I was so upset, I kept stuttering the first part and Ron kept guessing always wrongly. I was nearly in tears because I could see the world, taste it, and yet couldn’t get it out. Then I went into my office and got a pad of sticky notes and wrote it and weirdly I spelled it perfectly. As soon as I handed it to him he said the word. But I still couldn’t say it. So he worked with me. It took about 7 minutes with him saying it and me trying to repeat his words before I was able to really pronounce the word. Ali the fact that the US medical system is so for profit that I couldn’t get a heart doctor for 6 months of my heart rate being in the 140s to 150s resting pulse that I suffered the stroke. I am still suffering the effects and no one will ever pay for that but me. It angers me. I try to hide it. Hugs
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I can’t speak for Ali, of course, but I don’t have a problem with you sharing.
As long as it helps you, that is.
After all, if it’s too much for me I don’t have to read it.
I hate that the U.S. of A. medical system has abused you BTW. I hope you’ve found individuals in that system that help rather than hurt. I think I remember you calling out some good ones, ones that help as much as they cn and explain shat is happening when they have restrictions that they cannot overcome on your behalf.
*sigh*
<hugs>
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I do not mind whatever you write here, Scottie. This is your blog that you created specifically to reach out to marginalized people, and for you to express things about yourself and to let others do the same. You just write write write away, whatever and how you need to write.
I’m with MDavis, and I think the medical system has been failing you more often than not. I’m very sorry about that.
I don’t consider that you’re dumping anything on me, so please don’t worry. I hope you and Ron are able to get good rest tonight! That makes such a difference.
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Belated Happy Birthday, Scottie !
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