I hate the YouTube algorithm and and myself more for giving into it and saving all the hateful abuse videos I get. I am crying now trying not to alert Ron who is in the next room with the door between us open. I had two open windows. In one I had so many tabs of abuse that the algorithm pushed them to me because I occasionally watch them. I deleted 8 of them before switching to the other open window. What does YouTube think I need to see / hear after all that deleting and not watching all those videos? The two videos below.
Am I the one to blame but if so what does that say about all the vulnerable children who are led down hate rabbit holes? At least the harm happening here is to me done myself aidded by the shit pushed into my feeds and I am so stupid that I click on them and leave the tab open while I try to move onto something else. But eventually I end up coming back to the ones that hurt me so much. Who is to blame? As always in my life, as in my childhood … I am, and I have always been according to those that hurt me. Goodnight. Scottie. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
When the Children Cry is new to me, but Disturbed’s Sound of Silence is one of those songs that always stops me in my tracks.
Reading what you wrote, I felt the weight of how unsettling it must be to have old wounds stirred up by something as ordinary as clicking a video link. It takes courage to name that openly.
One thing I’ve noticed with YouTube is that it doesn’t understand the difference between “I’m drawn to this because it hurts” and “I’m drawn to this because I enjoy it.” It only sees that a video was opened, and it tries to build a pattern from that. Trauma, curiosity, discomfort — none of that registers for the algorithm.
That’s partly why I keep most of my browsing as anonymous as possible unless I want the system to guide me toward familiar music or topics. Logged in, it feeds me NZ music, autism content, LGBTQ+ issues, and social justice because that’s what I usually watch. Logged out, it can’t build a story about me at all.
When I’m exploring something I don’t want tied to my profile — whether it’s research or something emotionally charged — I switch to anonymous mode and use a VPN so each visit starts fresh. It doesn’t erase the emotional impact of what we stumble across, but it does stop the platform from echoing it back at me.
I don’t know whether any of this changes the experience you described, but I wanted to acknowledge the honesty of your post. Algorithms are blunt instruments. They don’t understand the difference between pain and interest, even when that difference matters a great deal.
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Hi Barry. Thank you for the heartfelt response I appreciate and agree with it. I have so many saved channels I visit that I sign in to see that list and pick from them. But after that clip ends a box shows up as you know with more the algorithm wants to push to me thinking I would want to see them, and on the side the same thing. If I did not sign in I would have to remember each channel and search for them individually which might be the best thing for me to do. I will try the anonymous browsing trick to see if it helps. I need to do something to help my mental / emotional state because eventually I end up clicking on them. My weakness is that I know what they will do to me and I should have the strength to avoid them. Espeailly if it is music and songs. I love the songs, used to sing them, but they bring up so many bad memories that any joy quickly turns to hurt quikly or merges together with each other. I wish I did not have to choose to listen to the songs and take the hurt that comes with them, or that I was strong enough that even if I opened them in a new tab that when I got to that tab I just close it with out opening the material it contains. Same with abuse videos that have good ends as the children / adults are rescued and the bad people prosecuted, even though in real life it rarely happens that way and did not in my case. I wish I just closed them instead of wanting to watch the rescue at the end. But again it comes with the memories of my own past. I guess I just need to be stronger and ignore the songs and videos that will trigger me. Saddly it can happen even with videos that don’t seem to be about those subjects. Thanks again Barry. Best wishes.
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Scotty, if you know you’re seeing bad stuff, click it off. Fast. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to read every. word. Delete the stuff and if you can, block the sender.
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Hi Judy. I will copy what I wrote to Barry here.
Thank you for the heartfelt response I appreciate and agree with it. I have so many saved channels I visit that I sign in to see that list and pick from them. But after that clip ends a box shows up as you know with more the algorithm wants to push to me thinking I would want to see them, and on the side the same thing. If I did not sign in I would have to remember each channel and search for them individually which might be the best thing for me to do. I will try the anonymous browsing trick to see if it helps. I need to do something to help my mental / emotional state because eventually I end up clicking on them. My weakness is that I know what they will do to me and I should have the strength to avoid them. Especially if it is music and songs. I love the songs, used to sing them, but they bring up so many bad memories that any joy quickly turns to hurt quikly or merges together with each other. I wish I did not have to choose to listen to the songs and take the hurt that comes with them, or that I was strong enough that even if I opened them in a new tab that when I got to that tab I just close it with out opening the material it contains. The same goes for abuse videos that have good ends as the children / adults are rescued and the bad people prosecuted, even though in real life it rarely happens that way and did not in my case. I wish I just closed them instead of wanting to watch the rescue at the end. But again it comes with the memories of my own past. I guess I just need to be stronger and ignore the songs and videos that will trigger me. Saddly it can happen even with videos that don’t seem to be about those subjects. Thanks again
Judy I see the clip or the song; open it up in another tab because in the case of the clips the abused are always rescued and the bad people are punished. That did not happen in my case and wanting to see the rescue is what draws me, but the story of the abuse triggers the memories that cause me pain and harm. The same with the songs, some I sang to myself when abused and some just talk about crying kids which I often was. The songs I like, I just hate the emotions they trigger leaving me sad, crying, hurting, and in an emotional wreck.
Just click off the videos, you say. Most of the time I simply delete the tab before watching the clips / songs. But sometimes like the night I posted this, I am not strong enough even knowing what will come. Or I tell myself I can handle it and can’t. Judy your suggestion is great and I wish I would do it far more than I do. Thanks for caring about me. Hugs
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