Well, It’s True.

Funny, some, but true. I enjoy reading at McSweeney’s, and I don’t do it often enough.

Final Exam for the Class “What a Presidential Candidate Can and Cannot Survive, Apparently” Taught
by Howard Dean

by Tom Ellison and Nick Morgan

Final Exam
Poli Sci 401
Yale University,
Jackson School of Global Affairs
Professor Howard Dean

Part I (50 points) – multiple choice

1. Which of these public utterances would immediately end a candidate’s presidential ambitions?

A. “I want to be a dictator.”

B. “If [she] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

C. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

2. Each of the following moves would consolidate a candidate’s base, except:

A. Expressing agreement with the great replacement theory

B. Expressing solidarity with the Proud Boys and January 6 insurrectionists

C. Expressing enthusiasm, which was a big no-no in 2004 Iowa, apparently

3. Which violation of American values would cause the electorate to doubt the candidate’s fitness for the presidency?

A. Violating the human rights of families by tearing children away from their parents at the border

B. Violating the bodies of twenty-six women

C. Violating the unspoken decibel limit on cheering at an event meant for cheering, which is definitely a good rule that applies equally to everyone

4. If exposed to the public, which revelations would instantly decimate campaign fundraising?

A. The candidate being caught with boxes full of state secrets next to their toilet

B. The candidate being caught sleeping with a porn star just after his wife had a baby

C. The candidate being caught up in a moment, just a fleeting moment, which at the time seemed normal, not the end of everything the candidate had ever worked for since the candidate was twelve

5. Which of the following statements warrants being aired 633 times by national news outlets in a span of four days?

A. “They’re poisoning the blood of our country.”

B. “Laziness is a trait in Blacks.”

C. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

6. Which of the following audio recordings would be so damaging that it becomes a years-long political meme and defines the candidate for the rest of their life?

A. A recording where the candidate extorts Ukraine for election assistance

B. A recording where the candidate brags about grabbing women “by the pussy”

C. A recording where the mics picked up the candidate but not the roar of the crowd, which, if you were there, was really loud and made screaming much more normal in context, actually

7. Which action would cause an immediate, double-digit drop in the polls?

A. Starting a movement to hang the vice president

B. Starting a coup d’etat attempt against the United States of America

C. Starting to say “yee-haw” because it felt so right after rattling off the upcoming state primaries, but then realizing halfway through the first syllable that, dammit Howard, someone from Vermont can’t pull off “yee-haw,” and then panicking and switching to “yeah!” or “yay!” all at once, but it was too late and a lump in your throat made it come out like the death knell of a tortured bobcat

8. True or False: It makes perfect sense that the twenty-five-year abortion record of the presidential candidate who ended Roe v. Wade has less Wikipedia content than the three-second audio record of a candidate who just, you know, was pumped up in the face of a setback in the Iowa caucuses, so pumped that he lost control of his body in a burst of unvarnished optimism:

A. True

B. False

C. There has not been a difference between truth and falsehood, right and wrong, or sanity and insanity since early 2004

9. Which charges would provoke widespread calls to suspend a campaign?

A. Being charged in New York with thirty-four felony counts for covering up sex with a porn star

B. Being charged in Florida with forty felony counts for stealing state secrets and lying to the FBI

C. Being charged in Georgia with ten felony counts for conspiring to steal an election

D. Being charged in DC with four felony counts for trying to stop the electoral vote certification in Congress in order to seize power from the lawful president-elect, Joe Biden, in violation of the US Constitution and the peaceful transfer of power

E. Being charged with all eighty-eight felony counts above, all in a five-month period

F. Being charged with a zeal to oppose the invasion of Iraq and establish universal health care, which looks pretty good these days if you ask some people but was apparently too sincere for the petty, vindictive shitheads who actually vote in this country.

10. Which of the following statements would make voters question a presidential candidate’s mental capacity?

A. “HAPPY EASTER TO ALL, INCLUDING CROOKED AND CORRUPT PROSECUTORS AND JUDGES THAT ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO INTERFERE WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024, AND PUT ME IN PRISON, INCLUDING THOSE MANY PEOPLE THAT I COMPLETELY & TOTALLY DESPISE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DESTROY AMERICA, A NOW FAILING NATION, LIKE ‘DERANGED’ JACK SMITH, WHO IS EVIL AND ‘SICK,’ MRS. FANI ‘FAUNI’ WADE, WHO SAID SHE HARDLY KNEW THE ‘SPECIAL’ PROSECUTOR, ONLY TO FIND THAT HE SPENT YEARS ‘LOVING’ HER, LONG BEFORE THE GEORGIA PERSECUTION OF PRESIDENT TRUMP BEGAN (AND THEREBY MAKING THE CASE AGAINST ME NULL, VOID, AND ILLEGAL!), AND LAZY ON VIOLENT CRIME ALVIN BRAGG WHO, WITH CROOKED JOE’S DOJ THUGS, UNFAIRLY WORKING IN THE D.A.’s OFFICE, ILLEGALLY INDICTED ME ON A CASE HE NEVER WANTED TO BRING AND VIRTUALLY ALL LEGAL SCHOLARS SAY IS A CASE THAT SHOULD NOT BE BROUGHT, IS BREAKING THE LAW IN DOING SO (POMERANTZ!), WAS TURNED DOWN BY ALL OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES, AND IS NOT A CRIME. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!”

B. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

Part 2 – Essay (50,000 pts)

Write a twenty-five-page essay on the following question:

Does anything even matter?

(snip)

Science And Wonder And Beauty

I remember seeing a headline or a hyperlink somewhere, maybe yesterday or the day before, but I didn’t get to the story. Lucky for me, it’s linked again in an email today, so here it is!

Whale filmed giving birth, with a little help from her friends

Paris (France) (AFP) – Scientists have managed to film a spectacular event rarely witnessed by humans: a sperm whale giving birth while other females worked together to support the mother and her newborn.

A team from Project CETI, an international effort seeking to understand how whales communicate, were in a boat near a pod of 11 whales off the coast of the Caribbean island of Dominica on July 8, 2023.

A 19-year-old female named Rounder was surrounded by family members and others as she was about to give birth to her second calf.

Over nearly five and a half hours, the scientists documented the group’s behaviour, watching them from the boat, filming them with drones and recording the sounds underneath the waves.

The data they collected, which was published in the journals Scientific Reports and Science on Thursday, represent an exceptional rarity in the history of science.

Out of 93 species of cetaceans — a group that includes whales, dolphins and porpoises — only nine have ever been observed giving birth in the wild.

Rarer still was that whales not related to the mother were helping out.

“This is the first evidence of birth assistance in non-primates,” Project CETI team member Shane Gero told the New Scientist.

“It is fascinating to see the intergenerational support from the grandmother to her labouring daughter, and the support from the other, unrelated females.”

Lifting up the newborn

The birth lasted 34 minutes, from their tails emerging from the water to the calf being born.

During labour, other adult females dove under Rounder’s dorsal fin, often on their backs with the heads facing her genital slit.

Immediately after the birth, the pod’s behaviour “rapidly changed” as every member became active, according to the study in Scientific Reports.

All the adults were “squeezing the newborn’s body between theirs, touching it with their heads”, the researchers wrote.

The whales pointed their noses towards the newborn, “pushing it around, under the water, and onto and across their bodies above the surface”.

The remarkable behaviour dates back more than 36 million years and is believed to be due to the unique history of cetaceans.

After their distant ancestors left the water and adapted to life on land, cetaceans are the only mammals that returned to the ocean.

This dive back into the water required some evolutionary tricks to prevent newborns from drowning.

For example, whale calves are born tail-first, rather than head-first like other mammals.

However, while newborn sperm whales become talented swimmers within a few hours, they still sink right after birth.

So other whales have to lift the calf up “to prevent the newborn from sinking while also facilitating its first breaths”, the researchers suggested.

Primates — including humans — are the only other mammals known to help assist each other out during birth.

Excited vocal sounds

The scientists also recorded the whales making many sounds, including significant changes in “vocal style” during key events, the study said.

This included when a group of pilot whales approached the pod after the birth.

The changes in vocalisation suggest that the group was coordinating to support the birth — or protect the newborn, the researchers said.

Sperm whales have one of the longest pregnancies in the animal kingdom, with a gestation period that lasts up to 16 months.

When calves are born they are already four metres (13 feet) long. They will rely on their mother’s milk for at least two years.

As they grow, the young become the centre of their pod’s social unit, with others helping out with babysitting while the mother searches for food.

After the birth was filmed in 2023, the pod was not spotted again for over a year. Then the newborn was spotted with Accra and Aurora — the other young members of the pod — on July 25 last year.

Surviving its first year is a good sign that the sperm whale will reach adulthood, the Project CETI team said.

Reblog From MPS:

Scottie and I each post from Pro Publica’s excellent news reportage; especially news that gets the barest mention everywhere else. Their excellent reporters can use a hand now. Please read and sign:

Never Cross A Picket Line…

https://actionnetwork.org/petitions/tell-propublica-agree-to-real-job-protections-now?source=direct_link&

Just In Case A Reader Happens By With Some Idea, Or Knows Where To Share This One:

Three Friends Under the Shadow of a Merciless World 🐾💔

Space Stuff

What’s New at the Earth Observatory April 7, 2026

Image of the Day

NASA’s Earth Observatory brings you the Earth, every day: sharing images, stories, and discoveries about the environment, Earth systems, and climate that emerge from NASA research, including its satellite missions, in-the-field research, and models.

Drought Parches Florida

4 min read

The state was unusually dry for much of 2025, but the intensity of the drought has ratcheted up since January…

Apr 7, 2026

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Faster Detection of Forest Loss

7 min read

Scientists pioneered a new system that combines data from multiple Earth-observing satellites to identify forest clearing up to 100 days…

Apr 6, 2026

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Barents Sea Tied to Low Arctic Sea Ice

4 min read

Patches of open water in the region contributed to low sea ice extent across the Arctic in March 2026, which…

Apr 3, 2026

Space Purge

Hegseth is firing Black generals

Clay Jones

The crew of Artemis II set a record for the farthest-traveled humans from Earth, and they still could not get away from Donald Trump. The mission had a 45-minute blackout from communication with Earth while flying over the dark side of the moon, and Donald Trump was waiting for them when they came out of it.

The astronauts had a very uncomfortable and awkward 12-minute Earth-to-space call, facilitated by NASA administrator and Trump acolyte, Jared Isaacman. During the call, Trump told the astronauts how they would be honored if he got their autographs. They were also honored by Trump blowing smoke up their asses and telling them that he had saved NASA from extinction when, in reality, he tried to cut their budget by 24% when he returned to office for his second term. Not just that, (snip-MORE)

And now, this brilliant story from a friend of the blog:

✮ The Day Our Sky Fell Silent ✮

Josh Day, Next Day

This Week’s “Lay Lines”

https://www.gocomics.com/lay-lines/2026/04/06

Open Windows & Clay Jones In

regard to POTUS’s mental acuity.

President Nucken Futz

Trump is losing what’s left of his mind

Clay Jones

On Easter Sunday, Donald Trump posted to Truth Social, “Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it! ! ! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP”

Trump supporters, including the evangelicals, don’t care how vulgar he is, how insane he is, or that he is threatening to commit war crimes. They don’t care that he unleashed his tirade on Easter Sunday. They don’t care that he has gone back and forth with his demands regarding the Strait of Hormuz, from wanting to get it open, to demanding help from NATO, to saying it will open up naturally, back to demanding that Iran open it, or he will bomb them straight to hell. (snip-MORE)

Trump unhinged

Another truth social posting by the tangerine monster

Ann Telnaes

Sign The Card For Ron & Scottie!

Put whatever you’d like to inscribe with your sig. in a comment. Scottie is with Ron as Ron gets his stents today. Here’s to all the best from all of us, with positive and healing energy to you both!

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

How Trump’s Vulgar, Criminal Easter Threat Enriches Iran

Juan Cole 04/06/2026

Ann Arbor (Informed Comment) – On Easter Sunday, God’s chosen in the White House issued a vulgar and unbalanced posting on his “Truth Social” that epitomizes the insanity of his Iran War. Attending to it closely will help us understand how Trump has strengthened the government of the Islamic Republic and put it in control of global energy. Trump fondly imagines that he can dislodge Iran from this new ascendancy, but he is wrong, since it depends on sabotage, a sabotage that cannot be policed.

Piers Morgan

@piersmorgan·

This is embarrassing, Delete it, President ⁦@realDonaldTrump⁩ – unless you want everyone to think you’ve lost your marbles.

The foul language and clear mental imbalance visible in this announcement sparked a further round of calls for Trump’s removal under Article 25 of the Constitution, which is nothing more than an internet meme since Trump has surrounded himself on his cabinet with people even more certifiable than he is, and who wouldn’t dare move against him.

Trump, having imbibed whatever substance it is that makes him manic, announced that “Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!!”

He is repeating a threat he made previously, to bomb Iran’s civilian electricity-generating plants as well as its civilian bridges.

Iran has 98 major power plants fueled by fossil gas, which generate 85% of the country’s electricity. The largest, the Damavand power plant south of the capital, Tehran, has a generating capacity of over 2.8 gigawatts.

One of Iran’s power plants is nuclear, at Bushehr. If Trump or Israel bombs it, the consequent radiation pollution will deeply harm the Arab Gulf states, not only through airborne particles but also by contaminating sea water, which is drawn on by the region’s desalinization plants. This exposure to radiation would certainly increase cancer risk in the region. There are mountains between Bushehr and the Iranian interior, so the radioactive particles would be blown west toward other countries such as the United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia and Qatar.

Striking civilian power plants, and above all nuclear ones, endangers the noncombatant population of children, women and unarmed men and violates International Humanitarian Law.

In fact, the International Criminal Court in the Hague issued “warrants of arrest for two individuals, Mr Sergei Kuzhugetovich Shoigu and Mr Valery Vasilyevich Gerasimov, in the context of the situation in Ukraine for alleged international crimes . . .” on June 24, 2024. They were indicted for “for the war crime of directing attacks at civilian objects (article 8(2)(b)(ii) of the Rome Statute) and the war crime of causing excessive incidental harm to civilians or damage to civilian objects (article 8(2)(b)(iv) of the Rome Statute), and the crime against humanity of inhumane acts under article 7(1)(k) of the Rome Statute.”

Among the “civilian objects” that these Russian officials ordered attacked in Ukraine were power plants and structures such as the Kryukovsky Bridge.

So Trump is talking like a war criminal, which tells you why he has placed sanctions on International Criminal Court judges.

Trump already struck the unfinished B1 bridge linking Tehran to Karaj. Since it was not finished, it could not possibly have had a military purpose, contrary to the lies of the lying liars in the Trump administration who gave that as the excuse for hitting it.

Trump continued, “Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell– JUST WATCH!

It is not clear how a body of water such as a strait could copulate. However, it can engender revenue, and does so for Iran. A lot of revenue.

Iran has not actually closed the Strait of Hormuz entirely. It is exporting its own petroleum through that narrow aperture, mainly to China. Trump has been forced by the global oil shortage to lift sanctions on the Iranian tankers, and so Iran is also selling again to India. Before Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu rushed Trump into war on Iran on February 28, Iran was exporting about 1.4 million barrels a day to China. The price of petroleum was about $67 a barrel then, but Iran had to offer a steep discount to offset American sanctions, and so was probably only getting $57 or less a barrel. So Iran was getting something like $29 billion a year for its petroleum from China and a few other customers (90% goes to China).

China is now likely having to pay $110 a barrel for Iranian petroleum.

Iran’s oil income just went up to $55 billion a year if these prices and this volume of trade persists, which is plausible. So the “crazy bastards” in charge of Iran have nearly doubled their income off the Netanyahu-Trump war because of the fertility, under their control, of the “fuckin’ Strait.” The Iranian oil industry is state-owned, so all the money goes to the clerics and the Iranian Revolutionary Guards Corps, as well as to the conventional army and the elected institutions, the parliament and president. This extra income helps the government tamp down resistance, strengthening it against civil society. In any case, many Iranians under foreign attack are rallying around the flag. Of course there are also tax losses from the economic disruption of the war, but the vastly increased oil income helps make up for them as far as the government is concerned. If the price of oil goes to $200 a barrel, as it may well, Iran’s government could get $100 billion a year for its petroleum.

Not only that, but Iran has instituted a toll system, wherein countries that have good relations with Iran and pay a fee can transit the Strait without fear of an Iranian drone attack. In contrast, countries that Iran believes contribute to the American war effort against Tehran such as the Emirates and Kuwait, are blockaded by the threat of such strikes. These tolls could be an ongoing and lucrative source of income for the government. Before the war, 138 ships transited the Strait daily. If that traffic resumes but each has to pay Iran a $2 million toll, that would bring in $96 billion a year, i.e. four times what Iran was getting for its petroleum before the war.

So here’s the thing. With the advent of Iran’s Shahed drones, which can be manufactured inexpensively and of which it has tens and thousands, there is no way for anyone, including Trump and the US military, to stop Iran from sabotaging ships that won’t pay the $2 million. At least, I don’t see how it could be done. You’d need tens of thousands of interceptors, and we hardly have any left. Moreover, interceptors cost $1.5 million apiece, so it makes much more sense to allow each ship to pay Iran the $2 million.

Container ship in Strait of Hormuz. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Indra Beaufort).Public Domain. Via Picryl .

Trump has shown Iran how it can go into the protection business in the Gulf for the long term. Nice oil shipping industry you have here, it would be a shame if anything happened to it. And off that, Iran actually increases its GDP substantially.

If Trump takes out Iran’s electricity and bridges, he can interfere with its economy and its society in a big way. But he can’t stop the drones or the protection racket that way. Moreover, Iran has made it clear that its response will be to take out the power plants in the Gulf Arab states as well as in Israel. Since the US and Israel are running low on interceptors, and since even small Shahed drones have great range and can do a lot of damage, Iran’s threat is credible.

If Trump takes out Iran’s petroleum-production capability, Iran will crash oil production in the Gulf, taking 20 million barrels a day off the market for years to come. That would certainly be another Great Depression and likely would spell the end of the oil industry, since everyone in the world would migrate to electric vehicles quickly.

So although Trump meant the phrase ironically and blasphemously, the Iranian authorities may well end up saying “Praise be to Allah” over Trump’s monumental stupidity.

https://www.juancole.com/2026/04/trumps-vulgar-criminal.html