In the last few decades, we have been witness to systematic failures in American life. Time and time again the guardrails we believed existed turned out to be illusions, or at best, guardrails without any teeth. The courts, the financial institutions, the legislators, and especially the media – entrusted as the watchdogs of democracy – have absolutely failed.
There is only one group that, more often than not, has been up to the task: The people. The people keep showing up and at the very least, voting to put people in charge to clean up the messes. Of course, once those people are in office they too often respond with timidity and reluctance and don’t go as far as necessary to exercise the mandate they have been given, but the people did their jobs.
In every presidential election since 1988, with the exception of 2004, a plurality or majority of the public voted for the Democratic candidate. That is a data point you rarely see repeated and I am quite certain that if it was Republicans with such a popular vote winning streak both the party and the media would never shut up about it. That is a triumph of decency. It would be easy for voters to be snowed under by the right’s avalanche of lies and hate, ably amplified by their buck-chasing friends in the press, but the voters keep seeing through it.
To be certain, there are structural barriers. Neither Al Gore nor Hillary Clinton became president even though the will of the American people said they should have been. And the presidencies of Bill Clinton, Obama, and Biden have had too many missed opportunities to push the ball forward, even though all three of these men had mandates to go quite far.
But what matters is that enough voters saw through the haze of absolute bullshit to send a message to do the right thing.
Here we are again. The Republican Party has always glowed bright with a hateful intensity, but Trump has allowed them to move that hate from Mitt Romney’s “quiet rooms” to spotlights like Madison Square Garden. The press and the oligarchs that own it at institutions like The New York Times, the Washington Post, the L.A. Times, CNN and others, are quite happy to make billions of dollars from GOP fueled hate, as long as they can make a buck. They just don’t care about the consequences.
Voters still care. It may be naïve or cringe, or corny, but they believe. Voters have shown us that a majority of them are opposed to hate, opposed to racism, opposed to misogyny, opposed to treating people as second class based on their orientation. And a majority of them are pro-decency.
Yes, most of the pro-decency vote has a liberal ideology but it is more than that. There are people who just don’t like being crude bigots that spend all of their time shoving the faces of the vulnerable into the dirt. There are more of us than there are of them, and they have to effectively cheat or rig the rules to overcome our numbers.
Decency is on the march, but we are at a breaking point, again. Election day or week is not a “fever break” moment. No matter the outcome, but especially if decency is victorious again, we cannot go to sleep. The bad boss at the end of the game has not been defeated. 2004 showed us that. 2008 showed us that. 2012. 2016. 2020. The forces of darkness and depravity do not respect the will of the people and if you retreat, expecting that everyone will finally accept the supremacy of decency – the other side will see that as an opening.
The decent people need to stand up for what they believe in and then keep standing, keep pushing back, until the other people are broken – and then decency most continue to advance and remain forever vigilant.
I voted for decency, and I always will. I know I’m not alone.
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(Honestly, the entire Don-Madison Square Garden “event” idea sickened me, but I didn’t think his campaign could afford to do it. Anyway, it happened, and the fact that there was any crowd at all nauseates me. One of my great grandfathers immigrated to the US before the 1st World War, earning his citizenship in part by fighting for the US and allies in that war. The other side of the family immigrated between the wars, as they could see what may have been coming, and did. I’m fairly certain all their spirits, including each and every US veteran in my family living or dead, are also nauseated and maybe angry about this “event.” I’m happy there are people like Heather Cox Richardson, who put sensible light onto historic events. So everybody do all you can to Get Out The Vote! The facts are all on our side. -A)
I stand corrected. I thought this year’s October surprise was the reality that Trump’s mental state had slipped so badly he could not campaign in any coherent way.
It turns out that the 2024 October surprise was the Trump campaign’s fascist rally at Madison Square Garden, a rally so extreme that Republicans running for office have been denouncing it all over social media tonight.
There was never any question that this rally was going to be anything but an attempt to inflame Trump’s base. The plan for a rally at Madison Square Garden itself deliberately evoked its predecessor: a Nazi rally at the old Madison Square Garden on February 20, 1939. About 18,000 people showed up for that “true Americanism” event, held on a stage that featured a huge portrait of George Washington in his Continental Army uniform flanked by swastikas.
Like that earlier event, Trump’s rally was supposed to demonstrate power and inspire his base to violence.
Apparently in anticipation of the rally, Trump on Friday night replaced his signature blue suit and red tie with the black and gold of the neofascist Proud Boys. That extremist group was central to the January 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol and has been rebuilding to support Trump again in 2024.
On Saturday the Trump campaign released a list of 29 people set to be on the stage at the rally. Notably, the list was all MAGA Republicans, including vice presidential nominee Ohio senator J.D. Vance, House speaker Mike Johnson (LA), Representative Elise Stefanik (NY), Representative Byron Donalds (FL), Trump backer Elon Musk, Trump ally Rudy Giuliani, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., right-wing host Tucker Carlson, Trump sons Don Jr. and Eric, and Eric’s wife, Republican National Committee co-chair Lara Trump.
Libbey Dean of NewsNation noted that none of the seven Republicans running in New York’s competitive House races were on the list. When asked why not, according to Dean, Trump senior advisor Jason Miller said: “The demand, the request for people to speak, is quite extensive.” Asked if the campaign had turned down anyone who asked to speak, Miller said no.
Meanwhile, the decision of the owners of the Los Angeles Times and the Washington Post not to endorse Democratic presidential candidate Vice President Kamala Harris seems to have sparked a backlash. As Will Bunch of the Philadelphia Inquirer noted, “in a strange way the papers did perform a public service: showing American voters what life under a dictator would feel like.”
Early on October 26, the Washington Post itself went after Trump backer billionaire Elon Musk with a major story highlighting the information that Musk, an immigrant from South Africa, had worked illegally when he started his career in the U.S. Musk “did not have the legal right to work” in the U.S. when he started his first successful company. As part of the Trump campaign, Musk has emphasized his opposition to undocumented immigrants.
The New York Times has tended to downplay Trump’s outrageous statements, but on Saturday it ran a round-up of Trump’s threats in the center of the front page, above the fold. It noted that Trump has vowed to expand presidential power, prosecute his political opponents, and crack down on immigration with mass deportations and detention camps. It went on to list his determination to undermine the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), use the U.S. military against Mexican drug cartels “in potential violation of international law,” and use federal troops against U.S. citizens. It added that he plans to “upend trade” with sweeping new tariffs that will raise consumer prices, and to rein in regulatory agencies.
“To help achieve these and other goals,” the paper concluded, “his advisers are vetting lawyers seen as more likely to embrace aggressive legal theories about the scope of his power.”
On Sunday the front page of the New York Times opinion section read, in giant capital letters: “DONALD TRUMP/ SAYS HE WILL PROSECUTE HIS ENEMIES/ ORDER MASS DEPORTATIONS/ USE SOLDIERS AGAINST CITIZENS/ ABANDON ALLIES/ PLAY POLITICS WITH DISASTERS/ BELIEVE HIM.” And then, inside the section, the paper provided the receipts: Trump’s own words outlining his fascist plans. “BELIEVE HIM,” the paper said.
On CNN’s State of the Union this morning, host Jake Tapper refused to permit Trump’s running mate, Ohio senator J.D. Vance, to gaslight viewers. Vance angrily denied that Trump has repeatedly called for using the U.S. military against Americans, but Tapper came with receipts that proved the very things Vance denied.
Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden began in the early afternoon. The hateful performances of the early participants set the tone for the rally. Early on, comedian Tony Hinchcliffe, who goes by Kill Tony, delivered a steamingly racist set. He said, for example: “There’s literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. I think it’s called Puerto Rico.” He went on: “And these Latinos, they love making babies too. Just know that. They do. They do. There’s no pulling out. They don’t do that. They come inside. Just like they did to our country.” Hinchcliffe also talked about Black people carving watermelons instead of pumpkins.
The speakers who followed Hinchcliffe called Vice President Kamala Harris “the Antichrist” and “the devil.” They called former secretary of state Hillary Clinton “a sick son of a b*tch,” and they railed against “f*cking illegals.” They insulted Latinos generally, Black Americans, Palestinians and Jews. Trump advisor Stephen Miller’s claim that “America is for Americans and Americans only” directly echoed the statement of Adolf Hitler that “Germany is for Germans and Germans only.”
Trump took the stage about two hours late, prompting people to stream toward the exits before he finished speaking. He hit his usual highlights, notably undermining Vance’s argument from earlier in the day by saying that, indeed, he believes fellow Americans are “the enemy within.”
But Trump perhaps gave away the game with his inflammatory language and with an aside, seemingly aimed at House speaker Johnson. “I think with our little secret we are gonna do really well with the House, right? Our little secret is having a big impact, he and I have a secret, we will tell you what it is when the race is over,” Trump said.
It seems possible—probable, even—that Trump was alluding to putting in play the plan his people tried in 2020. That plan was to create enough chaos over the certification of electoral votes in the states to throw the election into the House of Representatives. There, each state delegation gets a single vote, so if the Republicans have control of more states than the Democrats, Trump could pull out a victory even if he had dramatically lost the popular vote.
Since he has made virtually no effort to win votes in 2024, this seems his likely plan.
But to do that, he needs at least a plausibly close election, or at least to convince his supporters that the election has been stolen from him. Tonight’s rally badly hurt that plan.
As Hinchcliffe was talking about Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage, Democratic presidential nominee Vice President Kamala Harris was at a Puerto Rican restaurant in Philadelphia talking about her plan to spread her opportunity economy to Puerto Rico. She has called for strengthening Puerto Rico’s energy grid and making it easier to get permits to build there.
After the “floating island of garbage” comment, Puerto Rican superstar musician Bad Bunny, who has more than 45 million followers on Instagram, posted Harris’s plan for Puerto Rico, and his spokesperson said he is endorsing Harris.
Puerto Rican singer and actor Ricky Martin shared a clip from Hinchcliffe’s set with his 16 million followers. His caption read: “This is what they think of us.” Singer and actress Jennifer Lopez, who has 250 million Instagram followers, posted Harris’s plan. Later, singer-songwriter and actress Ariana Grande posted that she had voted for Harris. Grande has 376 million followers on Instagram. Singer Luis Fonsi, who has 16 million followers, also called out the “constant hate.”
The headlines were brutal. “MAGA speakers unleash ugly rhetoric at Trump’s MSG rally,” read Axios. Politico wrote: “Trump’s New York homecoming sparks backlash over racist and vulgar remarks.” “Racist Remarks and Insults Mark Trump’s Madison Square Garden Rally,” the New York Times announced. “Speakers at Trump rally make racist comments, hurl insults,” read CNN.
But the biggest sign of the damage the rally did was the frantic backpedaling from Republicans in tight elections, who distanced themselves as fast as they could from the insults against Puerto Ricans, especially. The Trump campaign itself tried to distance itself from the “floating island of garbage” quotation, only to be met with comments pointing out that Hinchcliffe’s set had been vetted and uploaded to the teleprompters.
As the clips spread like wildfire, political writer Charlotte Clymer pointed out that almost 6 million Puerto Ricans live in the states—about a million in Florida, half a million in Pennsylvania, 100,000 in Georgia, 100,000 in Michigan, 100,000 in North Carolina, 45,000 in Arizona, and 40,000 in Nevada—and that over half of them voted in 2020.
In 1939, as about 18,000 American Nazis rallied inside Madison Square Garden, newspapers reported that a crowd of about 100,000 anti-Nazis gathered outside to protest. It took 1,700 police officers, the largest number of officers ever before detailed for a single event, to hold them back from storming the venue.
As a poll worker, I have been harassed and threatened by Trumpers wearing Trump gear simply for enforcing the law. The fact that Vance is encouraging harassment and threats of poll workers is disgusting. Ugly shit by ugly people, and I hate them. pic.twitter.com/1abY4vv7ch
If the situation were reversed and she was just as crude and gross but voting for Harris, obviously Vance wouldn’t call her a patriot, he’d do his usual demagogic horseshit.
But voting for Trump (and JD) is the only requirement for patriotism according to him. https://t.co/qda1r2aUtU
Just the other day, a guy from Alabama was arrested for threatening to kill volunteer poll workers, calling them 'traitors'. Now, Vance calls this woman a patriot for harassing poll workers. These losers deliberately sow chaos and division, they thrive on it, laugh about it. pic.twitter.com/hbnW6gZHuf
Executives at a major Bezos-owned company seeking federal contracts met with Donald Trump on Friday, the same day The Post announced it would not make a presidential endorsement. pic.twitter.com/XZNFphQQRP
Constitutional sheriffs are duly elected lawmen who believe they answer only to god. They've spent the last six months preparing to stop a "stolen" election—by any means necessary, @daithaigilbert reports.
OK this is what the right wing regressive movement is all about. A teen happy with who he was and his friend who may or may not be gay as well, both being harassed and threatened for simply being open about themselves. They were harming no one, but some asshole right wing adult took offense and wanted to teach them fear for being different from straight cis folk. This is the right wing / Christian nationalism desire for a 1950s fake culture of only the things they demand be accepted being seen in society. I remember a person I knew who was elderly asking me why we gays just couldn’t stay in the closet and not let anyone know, it was better then. I asked for whom? The answer was those straight cis happy people.
One of the co-founders of the Florida don’t say gay bill that started all this was a hyper fundamentalist Christian who publically said he wrote the bill because he was upset and disgusted that kids were coming out to their peers and being accepted instead of ostracized, humiliated, and beaten up. He hated that students, young kids were not targeted for abuse by other kids and teachers. That stuck with me and burned deeply. The reason is below.
One day I in science class led by a large what today we would call a maga person teacher, after class ended and I gathered my stuff and started to exit the room I was attacked by a very large kid and his friends. I was small, about 60 pounds, not even five foot. I got smashed in the face and body, hit till I fell to the floor. I knew this feeling, I got it at home, so I did what I did then, covered my face already full of blood, curled up tight and took the kicks and blows. Before the bell rang again they moved off and I started to uncurl when the teacher grabbed by my shoulder and wrenched me around to face him. Through tearing blurry eyes I watched as he told me, “This is what you get for being a fagot and I hope they do it again and again” I went to the bathroom and tried to wash up and stop the blood. I sat a few classes in the bathroom. I got marked absent for those classes but no one asked why. This the world this person who wrote the “Don’t say gay” bill wants to bring back, that they are proud of. Hugs. Scottie
WA man accused of tying noose around teen’s neck because he said he was gay
A 38-year-old man was arrested this week in Kitsap County after deputies say he tied a noose around a 14-year-old boy’s neck because the teen said he was gay.
On Monday, Oct. 21, the man overheard his 13-year-old son and his son’s friend talking, and asked if he was gay.
Video at link above
According to the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office, the teen said, “yes,” and the man wrapped the rope around his throat. The teen managed to escape.
Deputies said the man also lassoed his son with the rope a few minutes later, and he also escaped.
Video at link above
The 14-year-old boy went home and told his mother about the incident, and she reported it to the sheriff’s office.
Deputies arrested the man, and the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office said he was charged with a hate crime and two counts of second-degree assault.
WA man accused of tying noose around 14-year-old boy who said he was gay
The Kitsap County, Washington man was arrested Oct. 21 and accused of a hate crime. The 38-year-old man is accused of tying a noose around a 14-year-old before lassoing his own 13-year-old son.
The man was arraigned on Tuesday with bail set at $50,000.
A 38-year-old Bremerton man was arrested Monday in connection with an alleged assault involving two boys, including his biological son, according to the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office. Joseph Sweeney faces multiple charges, including second-degree assault and a hate crime.
The arrest followed allegations that Sweeney assaulted the two boys on October 20. According to the court documents, Sweeney asked his 13-year-old son’s friend if he was gay; when the teen said, “Yes, is it a crime to be gay in this house?” deputies said Sweeney put a noose around his neck and tightened it.
Sweeney allegedly recorded both boys with his cell phone while telling them to kiss each other in an effort to humiliate them, detectives said in the court documents. A search of Sweeney’s residence also led to the discovery of a firearm, which he is prohibited from possessing due to a prior domestic violence protection order issued in Kansas City in 2023.
This was really difficult to get through. As angry as I get just speaking these words, they don’t express a fraction of my true feelings. I don’t know if there are words for that. I don’t know if this will help, but I feel helpless, so I’m using my platform, which is something most people don’t have. At first, I wondered if it conflicted with my previous video, but after some contemplation, I realized that it doesn’t. My previous video never advocated disregarding injustice and atrocity. It never advocated abdicating righteous indignation. It was an anti-hate video. On the contrary, my commitment against hatred is what compelled me to make this video.
I think I’m done trying to make moral arguments. They all feel like bad faith now, like a waste of time. I guess if I ever do bring them up again, I’ll really have to consider who exactly I’m trying to convince, because some people have proven to be so completely delusional or dishonest, that it would be useless to argue – like talking to a tree.
Hi everyone. Maybe people are getting tired of hearing my daily struggles that break through my normal defenses sometimes and bring me to not a cliff, but a steep hill almost impossible to not fall down, with things to hit and bounce off of hurting more but very few things to grab on to that I can use to stop the falling. Two of those things together stopped my fall Friday night, hopefully giving me something I can hold on to that will stop the falling long enough to get off the mountain slope. I reached close enough to the bottom once in 2014. I don’t want to fall that far again nor see what is below that at the very bottom of that long fall.
I also need to explain that for a week I was running on 4 hours sleep and last night I only got 2 hours and 23 minutes (Friday night Saturday morning). This morning (Saturday) on our walk Ron who also struggled to sleep noticed I was sluggish, slow for me, not talking much. When we got back home my body couldn’t do more. Barely able to take off my jacket and getting Ron’s help taking off a heavy long sleeved sweatshirt that was too small for me, after I put on a tee shirt I fell into bed. I slept all day. Ron also had not slept so came to bed for 3 or so hours. During that time I had a nightmare of my childhood abuse and woke him by crying out for my abuser to please stop, to not hurt me more. Ron woke me as gently as he could. I again felt shame and sorrow over waking him from his slumber over my own trauma. It had slowed down greatly but this last week the nightmares and crying outburst while sleeping, and while awake in my Pink Place, which Ron has tried hard to make a safe space for me. I go through a lot of facial tissues in here.
On Thursday after not sleeping well and having other issues I watched two videos which later was followed by a third A few days later while still trying to recover. I just realized over half of my current tabs open on YouTube are of PSAs on child abuse or testimonies of victims trying to find resolution. I get them in my feed because when I am in a triggered emotional set back I tend to watch these and of course Google / YouTube fills my recommendations with a constant feed of more of them. And I fall down that mountain slope reaching out and read more and more and more of others abuse making the slope steeper with the things to hit that hurt harder, bigger, and the helpful handholds so less. The very same reason I had to stop participating on the Male Survivor site. Once I fall down that mountain slope the more I read / hear of others abuse so much of what happened to me the faster I fall with few things to grab on to that will slow my falling, which seems to get faster the longer I fall.
The first video was the one that set it off. I cut it off after the movie went to “Jesus saved my life from my abusive father who was killing me part” when I watched it. If that saved him I am glad, but Jesus nor religion never stopped my abuse nor were any of my abuser anymore into religion than for a brief period when they got a lot of attention from being involved in the Sunday School teachings they so loved the attention as new members and maybe thought that would wash away all their sins. They soon got disinterested and left, and I was still being abused. Abused before it, during it, and after it. Sometimes I would be abused before we got ready for church and if not before then I knew I would be when we got back home. In my case the power of the lord had no help for me.
So the first video was the worst. It talked about how the father hated the kid because he was another man’s son. In the video the wife had an affair and that left the husband forever taking his violence on the kid. In my case I never thought my adoptive mother was my mother, and from the few records I could find after her death it seems my mother’s father paid for me to be adopted and paid the biological father a large sum of money. But sadly my birth certificate list both of them as my parents. But that was the feeling of my adoptive father, he was not raising another man’s kid. He took that anger out on me and made clear his own kids could also to retain his favor. In the video the other kids snuck him food and comforted him, not mine. Mine denied the food unless I either humiliated myself or sexual pleased them. For a few years the daily abuse was less when the adopting mother was around, which was rare, because I was still her adorable little toddler toy to parade around, yet she explained the bruising and lack of normal interaction I had as I was shy and clumsy falling often into things. The dead eyes and lack of interest in things she explained as being tired because I fought to not go to bed. As I have said before by the time I was 6 years old in first grade she had stopped protecting me and slowly became a participant in my abuse as I aged rather than just turning away ignoring it. It took my school getting involved to change a lot in my life.
But as in the short video, shorter if you don’t watch the Jesus intervention part at the last third, I became aware of the sound of every abuser. Their footsteps with shoes or bare feet, their breathing when hurting me or using me sexually, both oral and anal, and feared being around them or the sound of them getting closer. I also wondered if this was the time they did not stop. I am not sure if I understood if they did not it would be death, I just feared this time they wouldn’t stop and it would keep going on forever. As a child we had no religious beliefs so I had no idea that the abuse might stop in heaven or continue in hell, I knew nothing of death. I just knew I wanted them not to hurt me, I wanted to have food and eat like they did, I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I did a good thing like they got. I wanted affection. I wanted to be able to go to the bathroom without conditions or being told to pee in a glass that as it filled I would have to drink all of it before being able to continue peeing in the glass until finishing, humiliated, crying, sad, hurt, while the hell spawn and their friends gloated over being able to make me do it. The friends may not have understood the punishments if I peed my clothing or on the floor being reported to my adopting parents by the hell spawn, as my view wouldn’t be heard. If they said I just peed myself rather than tell them I needed to go or they made me pee on the floor and said I did it before they could stop me … they would be believed and nothing I said would be heard. Many times I remember them holding me forcing me to pee on something knowing I would take a nude beating with them looking on gloating. It was a way to make me willing to accept what they demanded and willingly give them what they wanted from me.
Sadly the only kind affection I got between late 3 to nearly 7 years old was from a little boy lover pedophile across the street. His abuse I have never seen as traumatic. Yes he used my body for his own needs, but he was kind, gentle, his touch and hugs were warm with good feelings. Even when inside me he was kind, gentle, and constantly praising me as a wonderful boy. It made me want even more to try to make him happy. He told me over and over what a good boy I was, he really seemed to care for me which I never saw from the young hell spawn who hurt me for their enjoyment, nor from either adoptive parents.
One punishment the hell spawn would do when they were home with no adult was to tie a wide belt or rope around my neck and then attach it to the stair banister in a way that my head was jerked into looking up at a painful angle, my hands would be tied to or through the stair rails so I couldn’t use them to defend myself. I would always be nude. I would sometimes be blindfolded, that was when I knew that more than them hitting me, hurting me, other kids would also be there to hurt and rape me. I couldn’t tell where the blows might be coming from, who was grasping me grabbing my hips, who was …, everyone must get the idea. So yes I learned to hear them, to fear them, and the child diddler across the street never seem bad or a threat to me. He was the only bright kind light in my life. Then he killed himself and that kindness when away forever. But it did set me up for looking for kind abusers in my life. Such as the principle at my 1st to 6th grade school. He quickly realized the kid I was and made a friendship with my adoptive mother. Even as he was facilitated a place and way for me to leave class to laydown behind the library shelves along with letting me go with a police officer questions deflected, he was also using me sexually. Only once he was he hurtful, that was when I insulted a female teacher so before he raped me he made me with a bare bottom bend over his knees and spanked me hard as a lesson. Then when I stood up, kissed me, hugged me, told me sternly to always obey my teachers. And then turned me around, lubing my butt hole, and inserted himself inside me to finish … planting his seed there. I was then given an abnormal instruction to pull my pants up, go back to my classroom. That time I was not offered the option to go laydown, nor go to the bathroom to expel his cum. I understood I was being punished. I worried about it leaking and the pain of sitting. Thankfully my teacher never called me out for fidgeting and constant movements in my hard no cushion chair, maybe knowing what was going on with me at home and in school.
Now it is Sunday morning. I couldn’t finish this post last night. I was getting too upset and was too tired. I got another 3 and half hours of sleep before I got up again. So here is the rest of the story hopefully with less emotional upset from me.
Wow just rereading correcting my errors now has me worn out emotionally already. I can not imagine how it must be for everyone reading who don’t know what the life I lived is like. It must be stories from a strange foreign world or harmful different government on earth somewhere far away. Sorry it happened to me here, in New England. But let me continue to get this out before it consumes me again. I have so much unresolved pain from the past. Some want me to ignore it, some want to reveled in it seeing my survival as overcoming it but they lose the point, it still haunts / hurts me. Left undealt with I will be the one left falling down that steep mountain slope with no way of stopping hitting the bottom … which might be death.
So you have read all of the above, no reason not to provide you with the videos. The first was the beatings of a defenseless child, making him the other in the family simply because he was the product of another man’s seed he resented having responsibility to feed or care for. You have read all of the above so here is the video, and again I ask you to make sure you are in a good place to understand that was my daily life so do not take that pain on yourself because I have already done that for all of us. Here it is.
The second video that continued my downward spiral and the steeping of the mountain slope I was trying to find footing and keep from falling further down that slope to the hell I knew to be at the end. This is the one being raped at school. I was by adults but not students, but the older boys were sexually aware enough to act out on me. Not physically hurtful but emotionally building that idea that was my place in life, to serve the more aggressive, more developed male. Lucky for me what they wanted was so silly and quick it meant nothing. And the teachers caught on quicly that if I asked to use the bathroom and other male kids asked right after … they were told to wait until I was back. Which was very frustrating to them and made several to try to be my out of school friend. One night If I could plead for it using my body as currency they never wanted to come back again. No one came to our home and I was not allowed to go to theirs. I have no idea what scared the older kids in grade school from wanting wanting to stay over night again. I was willing to please, but the adopting parents were not willing for me to develop friendships. One of the prices of the “school friend” leaving the next day was instant abuse to make me avoid asking anyone else to stay over again.
The last video that I watched a day or two after trying to absorb / deal with the abuse was again one that religious overtones. But even with that the ending was so shocking / revealing I want to include it. See if I had understood any religion, if I have thought that there was a way to stop the abuse … I would do what so many other kids did. I would have taken my life. That is why this post is so hard to make. It shows how stupid I was at that age, it shows how clueless I was. If I thought there was a way to move beyond my life at that stage I would have gladly let them go all the way and kill me. Sorry for all this. This has been a many day post as I struggled to first write it, reread it and edit it again, then fall some more down the mountain slope to briefly grab something to try to write again. Side note. On the other computer I have 10 videos cued up ready to play about child abuse. Some are PSAs and some are personal survival videos from abuse victims. Mostly male but a few female. YouTuber dumps them into my feed and I open them / watch them or save them … all now send me to the mountain making the slope steeper. There was a time when the slope was not so steep and much easier to walk away from. The force drawing me to the bottom so small. Yet now it is returning to like 2014 and I am no longer having the flat stable land before the slope that I lived on so long. Now I am right at the edge of that slope and far too often I am struggling as I fall down it unable to resist the pull with few handholds and the hurtful things getting ever more / harder as I fall.
This is what I have been fighting for months, I forget how long. I am dealing with my own needing to leave the Male Survivor site, Kamk’s abuse and his now being in the hospital afraid and triggered. I struggle to balance his needs that right now are far more immediate than mine. He feels he is looking at death or worse, life with no way to ever be who he was or wants to be. I want so badly to reach out and hug him, to hold him, to help him … but I again am that child who was forced to ask to be allowed to drink a 14 year old boys urine so I wouldn’t be beaten in the morning. Here is the last video I watched. I wont be sharing the others in my cue … maybe just as links but no commentary, but maybe I will grant myself mercy and not include them at all. I am going to post this and go get a shower I have put off for three days. Much love and warm comforting hugs for those that want them but also simple heartfelt thanks to those that follow and don’t want that physical touch. Trust me I understand how disrupting and jarring unwanted touch can be. I love you even if you don’t want hugs. Here is the last video which was while Rand and Ron were with me providing the handles to grab on to and the way to make the mountain slope less steep. Hugs / best wishes.
Scottie's Playtime 