See how hard it is for me to get into a safe mind space

So today I was feeling stronger than yesterday.    I am reading news, watching news, posting, and replying to comments.    Ron made a grand burritos in a red sauce that is grand.   Everything going good.    Then on Joe My God comes the story below.   Normally I would have read it, but even the title was enough to shake the ground under my mind.   I started to read the blurb before I even processed the content.   I couldn’t continue, I started to get upset, I quickly closed the tab.   I had to read the title a few more times when I tried to get to the stories on the rest of the site.  But I tired not to even let it enter my mind.   It took me back a day or two in my emotional recovery.    I did not read the story, I am posting the link so you understand what I am talking about.    This is the world we live in, it is in all the news.   Today first thing on TYT the first story was about a 2 year old sheltered by his dying dad’s body in the 4th of July mass shooting attack.   All of these stories of kids hurt and harmed are what is happening in our country and each one of them is important but right now very dangerous personally to me emotionally.    So I am going to go look for Texas Paul videos to distract my mind again.     Hugs

Pastor Convicted Of Raping His Grandchildren Awarded $2 Million For Beatings By Guards At NY’s Attica Prison

The Far Right is Openly Plotting a Tyrannical Purge of Leftists From Institutions

Notice at about 3:11 the police detain / arrest and take a 13 year old girl with out telling anyone why including the child or her mother that was right there.  Even when asked the police refused to talk to the mother.    The police questioned this child with out a parent or lawyer present according to the mother.    Police just rounding up kids wearing pride flags protesting for the right of control over their own body?   Notice also that the police did not arrest, detain, nor remove anyone else or any adult.   They took the kid wearing the pride flag.    What does that tell you?   Hugs

13-year-old wearing bisexual Pride flag arrested at Florida pro-choice protest

https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/07/13-year-old-wearing-bisexual-pride-flag-arrested-florida-pro-choice-protest/

The new Florida and soon the whole country if the Republicans get their way.   Hugs

13-year-old wearing bisexual Pride flag arrested at Florida pro-choice protest
Photo: Screenshot

Video of a 13-year-old being arrested at a July 4 pro-choice rally in Lakeland, Florida went viral earlier this week.

The video, filmed and shared on social media by Rain Johnson’s mother Lauren Johnson, shows the teen draped in a bisexual Pride flag and holding a megaphone being led away by two uniformed police officers and loaded into a police vehicle. Lauren can be heard telling her child not to resist and assuring her that “mom’s right behind you.”

In the video, Lauren can also be heard demanding to know why the officers are arresting her child. According to NBC 6 South Florida, Rain was charged with a second-degree misdemeanor for a noise ordinance violation related to a new law that went into effect on July 1.

“She had a bullhorn, and she was screaming ‘my body my choice,’” Johnson explained in a TikTok video posted after Rain’s release. “When [the officers] came around the corner, they decided that they were going to, I guess, make her their target and arrest her.”

“It was very evident that I was her parent,” Johnson says in the video. “They could have easily handed me the [megaphone]. Instead, they chose to terrorize a 13-year-old.”

Attorney David Haas, who is representing the Johnsons, said that Rain was held for over an hour and was not allowed to see her mother. Johnson claims her daughter was questioned without a parent present.

“We don’t think that the megaphone is applicable to the ordinance and so we’ll be looking into that, about whether or not it was even appropriate for the arrest,” said Haas.

In a Monday Twitter post, Florida gubernatorial candidate Nikki Fried posted video of the arrest. “I need everyone to see what Ron DeSantis’ Florida really looks like,” Fried wrote. “13 year olds being arrested for protesting for their own freedom.”

According to The Ledger, Rain rejoined the protest in Lakeland’s Munn Park soon after her release. In her TikTok video, Johnson says she and her child will plan to attend another demonstration today. “We will be at the protest Thursday with a new bullhorn.”

Herschel Walker Lied About His Secret Kids to His Own Campaign

https://www.thedailybeast.com/herschel-walker-lied-about-his-secret-kids-to-his-own-campaign?ref=home

Totally unfit for elected office, his staff knows it, his campaign knows it, yet they all keep trying to get him elected.    This is the country we have now, this is the republican party.   Hugs

Herschel Walker’s campaign said he had never tried to hide his children. He did—to his own campaign even.

EXCLUSIVE

Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Getty

 
 
 

When Herschel Walker’s campaign aides approached him this winter to discuss whispers that Walker had a secret child, the Georgia GOP’s Senate candidate told his campaign the rumors were false.

Walker’s aides already knew he was lying.

They had expected him to lie, and had obtained documents in advance of that conversation verifying that Walker did indeed have another child, The Daily Beast has learned. They handed the documents to him, and after some more back and forth, Walker finally admitted it was true. His aides asked if there were any other children they needed to know about. Walker insisted this was it.

When the Daily Beast learned about the existence of that 10-year-old child in June and went to the campaign for comment, campaign manager Scott Paradise prepared a statement. But first, he went to Walker with a question: Be honest—are there any other kids?

 

No, Walker said.

Paradise then put out a statement insisting that Walker—who at that point had only publicly acknowledged one child, his adult son, Christian—was “proud of his children.”

“To suggest that Herschel is ‘hiding’ the child because he hasn’t used him in his political campaign is offensive and absurd,” Paradise said in a statement.

The very next day, The Daily Beast reached out again, asking about yet another undisclosed child, a 13-year-old. The campaign approached Walker and asked again. This time, he acknowledged the teen was his.

The campaign verified that the 13-year-old was Walker’s son, and that he had yet another child—a daughter from his college days about 40 years ago.

This account of Walker lying to his own campaign about his children comes from a closely connected adviser and was verified by communications that the source turned over to The Daily Beast. We are not quoting from the messages out of concern that they could potentially expose the source’s identity.

The communications reveal a campaign and a candidate in chaos.

Emails and texts show advisers discussing how they don’t trust Walker—both to tell the truth to them and to handle campaign events properly—and harboring concerns that he isn’t mentally fit for the job.

He spouts falsehoods “like he’s breathing,” this adviser said—so much so that his own campaign stopped believing him long ago.

“He’s lied so much that we don’t know what’s true,” the person said, adding that aides have “zero” trust in the candidate. Three people interviewed for this article independently called him a “pathological liar.”

The Walker campaign declined comment.

Walker has, in fact, racked up a staggering record of falsehoods. He has claimed he was a trained FBI agent and worked for law enforcement, neither of which is true. He has told a preposterous series of lies about his academic record—forcing his campaign to delete claims from his official bio. He has grossly overstated his business success. He has falsely taken credit for founding a veterans support program. And, most recently, he claimed that former President Donald Trump had never said the 2020 election was stolen.

The campaign source painted a picture of an operation that for months has been at the mercy of a volatile, deceitful candidate.

“A campaign’s worst nightmare,” the source said. “It’s like a shitshow on a train in the middle of a wreck.”

But if the campaign is headed for a disaster, the Republican Party appears to be in the dark about just how bad it is.

In conversations with GOP higher-ups, senior Walker campaign aides have held back on their ongoing struggles with containing, directing, and cleaning up after Walker—even if, internally, they believe he’s a serious liability, according to this source who is familiar with those conversations.

52286510

University of Georgia Bulldogs’ running back Herschel Walker #34 poses for the camera in front of Lovett Stadium in 1981. Herschel Walker was elected to the College Football Hall of Fame in 1999.

 

Focus On Sport

The revelations come at a critical time. The national party—with the all-important blessing of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and National Republican Senatorial Committee chair Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)—has lined up behind Walker after his easy primary win last month. The GOP is now investing in major political and fundraising operations across The Peach State.

Many establishment Republicans were lukewarm on Walker from the jump. When the first reports broke last summer detailing Walker’s checkered personal history, influential GOP figures balked. Some hoped that “somebody else” would take over the closely watched race, which will likely determine which party controls Congress heading into the 2024 presidential election.

“Some of it’s pretty bad, obviously: physical abuse and pulling a gun on his wife, if that’s true,” Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) told Politico last July, adding, “I’d prefer to have somebody else.”

(Walker has denied these claims.)

But the skeptics couldn’t stave off the MAGA-fueled boost Walker got as Trump’s handpicked candidate. The two men have been friends since the 1980s, when Trump showcased the phenom running back as a main attraction in his NFL knock-off, the USFL. And with Trump’s early endorsement last September, the popular athlete was quickly out of reach, quickly going dollar-for-dollar against Democratic incumbent opponent Sen. Raphael Warnock, the top fundraiser in Congress. By April, Cornyn had forked over his personal endorsement.

 

ATHENS, GA—Heisman Trophy winner and Republican candidate for U.S. Senate Herschel Walker speaks at a rally on May 23, 2022.

 

Megan Varner/Getty Images

The party now appears all-in. When The Daily Beast recently asked Scott, the NRSC chair, whether he felt his organization had failed to vet Walker, Scott called him a “good candidate” and predicted a win.

But while NRSC contacts have been checking in with Walker advisers over the last several months, the campaign source said, staffers haven’t been forthright about the internal turmoil.

Donors are jumping ship, the campaign source said, pointing to Home Depot founder and GOP megadonor Bernie Marcus, who has already contributed more than a million dollars to a pro-Walker super PAC. According to the source, Marcus recently told a top Republican fundraiser that he doesn’t feel comfortable going through with another planned seven-figure gift in light of the revelations about the children.

The Daily Beast reached out to Marcus for comment, but did not immediately receive a reply.

While those revelations may have taken backers by surprise, they weren’t news to the campaign.

Aides have secretly derided Walker for months, according to this person and internal communications seen by The Daily Beast. They have ridiculed his intelligence. They fear his mood swings and instability. And staffers worry he could embarrass himself at any moment, setting the campaign back yet again and burning energy on damage control.

The overriding concern is that the stress and pressures of campaigning—criticism and backlash in particular—might make him “just not mentally stable,” the source said.

But this person noted that the months of bombshell reports about Walker’s trumped-up business record, erratic personal life, and the legions of lies and ludicrous exaggerations have so far clouded the mental health issue in the media.

The strategy now is to keep Walker off television and on script, this person said. “Except he doesn’t listen,” the campaign source said. “He doesn’t take direction, because he comes from a place where he says, ‘I have built myself up in the media for years.’”

In a meandering 40-minute phone interview with The Daily Beast the evening before The Daily Beast reported on his second and third previously undisclosed children, Walker tried to duck the issue more than a dozen times, preferring instead to grill this reporter on topics ranging from gas prices and climate change to the “definition of a woman” and abortion.

Eventually, Walker acknowledged both sons in a statement, in which he stated plainly, “I have four children. Three sons and a daughter.”

(Two people with direct knowledge of the events told The Daily Beast that Walker took a DNA test for the daughter, whom he fathered in college but only met in the mid-2000s.)

Walker’s instinct to lie has shredded the campaign’s trust in its own candidate, according to the adviser and communications reviewed by The Daily Beast. Over the following weeks, the source said, allegations of more children poured in. Most of them were readily dismissed—but one stood out. Because senior staff no longer trust Walker’s denials, the campaign has quietly investigated the anonymous allegation behind the candidate’s back, The Daily Beast has learned.

While staffers often exercise tight control over a candidate’s schedule, in Walker’s case, the reasons behind those efforts appear unique. With Walker, the campaign source said, any public interaction carries enormous risk, which aides try to mitigate with curated public appearances and strict media gatekeeping.

“He screws up on Fox News where people agree with him, so the idea of him taking an adverse interview or interacting with people who don’t agree with him is a non-starter,” the adviser said, likening the prospect to sending him “into the lion’s den.”

Walker’s top staffers bring years of experience to the table, but they struggle to keep him on message and don’t trust Walker to speak coherently, according to communications obtained by The Daily Beast. Aides establish guardrails, but Walker blunders over them.

Currently, Team Herschel is reckoning with three potential debates against Walker’s incumbent opponent, Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA), a number they hope to whittle down to one, the source said—and only if it is on their terms.

The campaign hired a renowned debate coach, who prepped former President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson—two men who had their own rhetorical hurdles to clear.

Walker recently called on Reverend Warnock to “name the place and the time” for the debates, and has been champing at the bit since last fall.

Still, several sources in Georgia said that, among the GOP rank and file, Walker’s controversies don’t seem to be making a dent.

Jason Shepherd, a longtime party leader in the state, told The Daily Beast that Republicans aren’t talking about Walker’s secret children, and if they do, it’s to blame the media for “highlighting what many are seeing as a personal issue.”

But when it comes to Walker’s opponent, who himself is involved in a custody dispute, Republicans—including the national party—haven’t been afraid to highlight that issue, accusing the pastor of “ignoring the financial needs of his own children,” despite the fact that Warnock is not accused of evading child support.

(Walker, who boasts publicly about being a good father, has long railed against absentee dads, specifically in the Black community.)

The Walker campaign has recently trained much of its resources on countering the reports of the secret children. The team released its first general election ad on Tuesday, framing Walker as a “uniter,” and aides have been angling for public appearances with his closest family members: his wife, Julie Blanchard Walker; his ex-wife, Cindy Grossman; and his 22-year-old son, Christian Walker—a brash right-winger who profits off of swag promoting his father’s candidacy.

While Julie Walker is a continual presence on the campaign trail, both Grossman and Christian Walker have resisted the campaign’s entreaties in the wake of The Daily Beast reports.

It’s still unclear when Grossman and Christian Walker first knew about the two other sons. Previously, Christian, an aspiring MAGA world influencer who has made campaign appearances with his father, frequently targeted absentee dads in social media rants. The focus of those attacks, however, appeared to shift after the Daily Beast reported his half-brothers.

With just four months until Election Day, it’s unclear whether the Walker campaign and its candidate can right the ship—but it’s not out of the question.

Walker, who grew up poor and shaped himself into one of the most stunning all-around athletes of his era, achieved much of that success through sheer determination. (“Most people who know Herschel believe he willed himself into his current condition,” reads a 1981 New York Times profile.)

So far, Walker and the campaign appear to have run a strong race since he got out of the blocks last August—quickly raising tens of millions of dollars, and coasting through the primary with about two-thirds of the vote.

And while the general election contest against Warnock shows no signs of being anything less than brutal, the campaign, like Walker, is projecting an air of confidence.

“Do we have problems? Yes! Can we solve them? Yes!,” Walker says at the end of his new campaign ad. “Georgia is my family. The United States is my family. So I’m going to fight and take care of them.”

Sam Brodey contributed reporting.

 

VIRAL VIDEO: Cultist House Rep Declares She Would “Shoot” Her Five Grandchildren To Stop Red Flag Laws

Mediaite reports:

An indignant Rep. Debbie Lesko said she’d do anything to protect her grandchildren, including shooting all five of them. That June floor speech during debate over landmark gun reform has gone viral.

In early June, as the House debated measures that would become the most significant gun legislation in decades, the Arizona Republican strode to the microphone to deliver her impassioned argument against red flag laws — by raising the reddest flag in congressional history.

“I have five grandchildren. I would do anything—anything—to protect my five grandchildren. Including, as a last resort, shooting them, if I had to, to protect the lives of my grandchildren,” Lesko said.

Read the full article. It’s not clear why Lesko’s June speech suddenly went viral yesterday or how even how it passed relatively unnoticed at the time.

 

Todd20036 • an hour ago

That she said it is bad enough

That she won’t be called out on it is worse

That she will still remain a lawmaker after that is why I see democracy ending in 3 years

Ninja0980 Todd20036 • 31 minutes ago

She’s running unopposed, not that it would matter since this district is solid red.

WaveMotionGum Todd20036 • 26 minutes ago

What she likely meant was that she would shoot the political opposition….not exactly better is it?

Dreaming Vertebrate • an hour ago

Yikes!! Time to revoke granny’s right to visit the little darlings!
What a hideous monster!

Reality.Bites • an hour ago

Well I suppose it would cut down on school shootings if everyone would just murder their children themselves.

Paula • 43 minutes ago

Hello, Police Department? I have a red flag that I would like to report.

clay • an hour ago • edited

If she shot her five grandchildren, wouldn’t that make her the violent criminal?
Oh, I get it, she thinks “criminal” is some kind of essential spiritual state like “demonic”. Wouldn’t be surprised if she thought the same about “Jewish” or “Black”. “But I’m a good Christian; this is not who I am.”

Philly Mike 🐸 • an hour ago

Now I feel like a monster, I am about to welcome my 1st granddaughter any day now and am thinking of what education fund to setup and she is talking about killing her grandchildren. I need to work on my priorities.

Bert_Bauer • an hour ago

Kids, I wouldn’t eat those cookies grandma just baked. I wouldn’t take any apples from the old witch, either.

Yves R. Mektin • an hour ago

OMG! She’s as nutso as Gosar and Biggs! And here I used to think that Lesko was the most reasonable RepubliQan in Arizona.

olandp • an hour ago

She also said that guns shouldn’t be taken away from violent mentally ill people. Then she said Republicans passed, and signed, into law, something that prevents mass shootings. I wonder what that was. It ain’t a-workin’.

Stogiebear • an hour ago

I guess the only thing that can stop a bad granny with a gun is good grandkids with guns. Isn’t that the reasoning?

Stogiebear • an hour ago • edited

She’s so “pro-life” she’ll kill her grandchildren to protect her guns fetish and idolatry. I hope the grandchildren and their parents understand grandma wants to kill them.

Dave B • an hour ago • edited

She said she would shoot her grandchildren if “necessary” to save them.

I want to know what she believes is a necessary situation that she would need to kill.

A stranger knocking at the door?

Walmart was out of her favorite hot pocket?

Trump is indicted?

cfa Dave B • 38 minutes ago

She would shoot them so that they would not have to undergo the horror of living in a country where there is health care for all and equal rights for people of color and gays.

Tennessee Court Dismisses Lawsuit From Jewish Couple Rejected By State-Funded Christian Adoption Agency

So now Christian adoption agencies that take taxpayer funds can discriminate against the LGBTQ+ and other religions.     Originally the SCOTUS said it was ok for the public to pay for these religious groups that discriminate against the LGBTQ+ because the worst discrimination is against religion itself, and by not letting them not serve the gays was discrinimating against the religion.    Now it seems the rule is the Christian religion is the one that must not be discriminated against but may discriminate against all other religion.   One more step on the path to Christianity being the national religion and another few steps toward the US theocracy.    Hugs

Nashville’s NBC News affiliate reports:

Tennessee judges have dismissed a lawsuit filed by a Knoxville couple who alleged that a state-sponsored Christian adoption agency refused to help them because they are Jewish.

The lawsuit challenged a 2020 state law that installed legal protections for private adoption agencies to reject state-funded placement of children to parents based on religious beliefs.

The challenge by Elizabeth and Gabriel Rutan-Ram said Holston United Methodist Home for Children in Greeneville barred them from taking state-mandated foster-parent training and denied a home-study certification while they attempted to adopt a child last year.

The Christian Post reports:

A three-judge panel of the Chancery Court in Davidson County ruled 2-1 to grant a motion to dismiss the lawsuit against the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services and DCS Commissioner Jenifer Nichols.

The panel majority also ruled that “the Plaintiffs have not shown that the Defendants would not contract with a Jewish agency similarly situated to Holston United Methodist Home for Children; therefore the Act does not single out people of the Jewish faith as a disfavored, innately inferior group.”

Holston CEO Bradley Williams told CP he believes “forcing Holston Home to violate our beliefs and place children in homes that do not share our faith is wrong and contrary to a free society.”

The adoption agency is represented by the anti-LGBTQ hate group, the Alliance Defending Freedom. In 2003, the ADF filed a Supreme Court brief in defense of the criminalization of homosexuality.

 

Paula • an hour ago

Its coming people. Be prepared to do what you have to do to survive.

Todd20036 Paula • an hour ago

I know. I think most of us in this forum see what is happening

Even those who think they’ll be fine because they’re whites and Christian are in for a rude awakening when they have a terminal pregnancy or want conception or want to watch a porn movie or get arrested for getting a blow job

stretchdad Todd20036 • an hour ago • edited

Yes. Or when the powers-that-be decide that you’re not “right kind of Christian”.

SkokieDaddy – wiener dog dad • an hour ago • edited

the Plaintiffs have not shown that the Defendants would not contract with a Jewish agency similarly situated to Holston United Methodist Home for Children.

A quick search seems to indicate there are NO Jewish agencies in Knoxville, TN.

Jack Frost SkokieDaddy – wiener dog dad • an hour ago

Of course not, its the same bullshit the SCOTUS uses when they write terrible decisions. Its not based on facts, its based on a predetermined outcome and working backwards from there.

If it was a jewish agencie doing this against a Catholic or Christian couple you better believe they’d rule in favor of the couple.

The Jewish couple should take this up to the SC and see what happens.

Jerry Kott • an hour ago

What is alarming is that at the beginning of Nazism in Germany, the police stopped responding to Jewish citizens reporting vandalism. Having people who are worthless trying to make you feel worthless is a spooky concept to process. We had a cop tell us he won’t take samples of the vandalism. We are concerned that is could be toxic. But then again he may already know what it is and is not telling us.
Scary times.

Eric Mory • an hour ago

Separate is not equal!

Thumbnail

Ninja0980 • an hour ago

Said it before and I’ll say it again.
Anyone who is a religious minority etc. who thinks “religious freedom” laws will only target LGBT citizens is a fool.
They will be coming for you sooner or later.

12 Members Of Australian Church Arrested In Death Of Child Denied Her Insulin Because Jesus Would Heal Her

The Guardian reports:

Twelve members of a religious group in Toowoomba have been arrested after the death of an eight-year-old girl, who Queensland police say was allegedly denied life-saving medication in the belief she would be healed by God.

Elizabeth Rose Struhs had type 1 diabetes and died in her family’s Rangeville home, west of Brisbane, on 7 January. Police allege her parents, who have previously been charged with murder, began withholding insulin six days earlier.

Police allege paramedics were not called to the scene until 5.30pm the next day, with the Courier Mail reporting members of the church group believed she would be resurrected.

The Queensland Daily Star reports:

Her dad, Jason, 50 and mum, Kerrie, 46 allegedly chanted prayers and hymns with up to 20 members of their breakaway Christian church who surrounded their child rather than get her life-saving medication.

Some of the members of the group, who call themselves ‘The Saints’ as they believe they are at the height of Christianity, even played the guitar as the little girl lay dying and no one called an ambulance.

The parents have now been charged with murder, torture and failing to provide the necessities of life for the youngster – alongside 12 other members of the group who were taken into custody for murder charges on Monday (July 4).

 

JustDucky • 2 hours ago

Fundamentalism is the ultimate expression of narcissistic hubris. They pray and they claim God speaks to them. Think about that for a second. They prey. And then they believe the voice inside their own head is the literal voice of the creator of the universe. They believe their own thoughts are God.

Of course they do shit like this.

Randy503 JustDucky • an hour ago

Worse, this group thinks that they know better than every other “Christian” on the planet about God. It’s the ultimate narcissism.

Adam Schmidt Nic Peterson • 24 minutes ago

Let’s just be honest here, there are people who are fundamentally broken, or lost, or in such pain that they’ll gladly reach out to anything that gives them some solace or structure. Then there’s just the large swath of folks who want to feel like they’re in on something special (see QAnon)… thus Kabbalah, numerology, a sparkling variety of cults and quasi-cults, and groups like these.

And that doesn’t even get to the people whose whole social structure is based on their church membership, and the churches are designed intentionally for that purpose. Why else have a church with a theater, day care, gym, and so on if not to make it near impossible for people to leave because they’d have to give up just about everything?

kiprian – Ἀρρενομανής • 2 hours ago

A legitimate question is where do their religious rights ends, and the state’s interest in protecting the child begin. I thought, and all of you thought that we knew where that boundary is. I’m not sure that we do any more.

What, me worry? kiprian – Ἀρρενομανής • 2 hours ago

I was taught in the fourth grade (back in the ’50s) that my right to swing my fist ends just before it hits another person. In other words, as I read the constitution, I cannot use MY rights to suppress or deny another person THEIR rights. The Handmaid’s SCOTUS just blew up the wall of separation between church and state.

IamSmartypants kiprian – Ἀρρενομανής • 2 hours ago

Under the new regime a woman’s uterus and any byproducts thereof (i.e. children) are considered the property of the nearest male relative and are exempt from state oversight, since men can do whatever they want with their own property.

Ninja0980 • 2 hours ago

Does anyone think these assholes would do prayer if their asses were the ones on the line?

Let’s talk about a teacher’s funny story….

(WATCH) Proud Boys Storm ‘Rainbow Storytime’ Event In Public Library

A group of Proud Boys stormed a public library in Indiana to shut down a children’s reading event called “Rainbow Storytime.” Richard Ojeda breaks it down on Rebel HQ.

My current headspace, which is not good

Hello Everyone.   I have not been able to face comments and using my reasoning part of my brain today after I read that story of the abused kids.  But let me backtrack a few days.

My back has been really bad since Friday and I didn’t do anything to hurt it more, it is just gotten to a point where my medication is not covering the damage that keeps growing in my spine and the increasing muscle spasms.  The steroid injections are / have worn off.   I have been trying to walk (and Ron goes with me and then when I stop at home he keeps walking) in the morning around phase 1 of our development.  

My walk

So far on days I can I have worked myself up to this route.  We leave our home at 39 and walk to Jackson, then down to Geronimo to No Name, turn up Sam Houston, then down Jim Bowie back to No Name, going up to Church Drive, head back to Andrew Jackson to our home.   Here is the entire park, which after making sure I am in the house Ron goes further into get his exercise.  The map is not quite accurate as the church is directly behind our home.

park map

I have better more detailed maps but this was the first one in my saved files that came up.   So as I said Ron goes on after he makes sure I am in the house.   So on Friday my back total went in to super bitch mode from normal bitch mode, and I was in extreme pain.   My back has been really bad since I tried to carry those bags of soda three months ago.   And so as the pain built higher and higher I needed more medication and my thinking got harder and harder.   So I missed the comments.  

Then I was wakened on Saturday morning by my Apple watch going off on my wrist crazy with a big red screen which had a heart on it saying my heart rate was dangerous at a sustained 133 and had been up and down all night.   Ron said I had been upset in my sleep and rather active as I get when I am having a flashback nightmare.   

So Saturday I felt like crap, Ron wouldn’t let me walk but we worked at getting my heart rate down which we did.   But I was not feeling up to handling much.   Sunday I was feeling better and during / after the Sunday News Shows I was answering comments and doing posts.   Then came today where the vortex found me.  

The Vortex.   Some of the long time readers know what the vortex is for me and how scary it can be.   The vortex is the thing that takes me to the void, the place my memories suck me into and take me that I struggle to leave, mostly losing for long period of time, sometimes weeks or more.   It takes over my mind and body, I can not function, I cannot deal with life, I can not shut off my mind or the memories that are on a constant loop complete with all the feelings of pain / anger / despair & hopelessness / and deep frustrations.    All the emotions and feelings that I felt when the bad stuff was happening to me as I relive it all over and over and over …  The vortex in my mind is a huge tornado that catches me and tries to suck me in, I can feel / hear it coming and I am terrified of the place it will take me if it can …

Sorry had to take a break. 

 So with therapy and help I have learned to form in my mind handles to grab onto when the vortex starts to draw me in.  Those handles can save me depending on how bad the shock / memories are in my mind.  One of those handles was Randy.   Back in 2014 when I started self harming again Randy my wonderful online brother who while working 12 hour shifts would watch my posts carefully for any signs of distress and either call me or take calls and talk to me for hours trying to fight off the vortex / memories.  He lost a lot of sleep back in those years, but he kept me from a lot of new scars and possible suicide.   I admire and love him far more than I can ever say. 

That was when Ron set up the candle making stuff in my bedroom and I would stay in the bedroom for weeks make candles day and night.   I never knew until later that Ron would box them up and store them because the doctor had told him to keep me focused on making the candles.  Our bedroom has a bathroom and Ron would bring me stuff to eat and I just stayed in there making candles and sleeping.  It was a dark time in my life, I was desperate to avoid / stop the memories.

So I have learned to develop handles to grab onto, to hold my mind / emotions from being sucked into the vortex.  That is what I used today.   Ron seen my distress after I read that article and he knew I was upset and struggling.   So we went for our morning walk even though he was worried about my heart rate.   James set my phone to contact his phone if my heart rate gets too crazy.  After our walk I forced myself to stay busy which helps, I helped Ron with our 4th of July lunch which was typical hamburgers, hot dogs, and french fries.   I even managed to eat well which is hard for me to do when the vortex takes me too far into the void.  Then all day I immersed myself in videos and laundry.  Ron asked me to lay down for a while with him as I was getting a bit manic and over wrought.   I tried but it was a no go and making things worse for me so I got up.  

Between loads of laundry I watched videos and read news sites while posting like there was a reward for the most posts.  I had to do that to keep my mind focused on anything but the vortex and the kids I read about this morning.   I watched, read, posted with all my mind, and when I went to deal with the laundry I kept my computer headphones on or my phone earbuds in.   Ron understood.  But by about 4 PM after even two early sets of medications my back gave out entirely.   I could hardly walk yet still felt driven to move or I would jump out of my skin.   So Ron seeing I was still agitated and getting worse tried to distract me, tried to keep my mind on computer stuff, even recommended I take one of the mood stabilizer meds I hate so much.  I don’t react well on them, I have had several doctors try to put me on them.  Now Valium is called Diazepam and it is one the doctors have tried to put me on and I refuse to let any doctor  prescribe them to me.    I disassociate while on them.

The problem is they make me slow down to where I can not function. Now as an adult everything moves too fast when I am on them.   It is like I am in a deep fog, moving so slow like I am wading through chest high water, and everyone is talking too fast for me to understand or deal with.   I hate it, I am like in super slow motion while the world seems on speed.   

 In my childhood I was put on heavy doses of Valium to keep me compliant with my abuse because the adoptive parents insisted and the doctors complied, no one looked into the medical history of abuse I had, the broken bones or other things.    I would be given the first dose in the morning, go to school and after an hour or two I would either fall asleep at my desk or tell the teacher I needed to lay down.   There was a cot setup behind the library shelves where I would go and sleep, at lunch time I would be wakened if still sleeping and taken to lunch then be given my pills by a teacher after eating, and after a hour or two I would go back to lay down behind the shelves.   I spent most of my 2rd to 6th grade school years that way.   I missed so much schooling.   It was accepted but I still don’t know why.   Only one person tried to get me to tell them what was going on at home and help me.   He even befriend my adoptive parents to do as much for me as he could.   But in those days a school employee did not have the authority they do now.    On days the police picked me up to take me the ordered medical people I wouldn’t be given my pills so I would be awake and active, even hyperactive so they wouldn’t  suspect abuse or blame the bruises on normal hyperactive child behavior.   But my mind was still confused and even with what I could hazily remember I knew not to tell.   Oh shit, Crap.

Sorry see I told you about the vortex, it sucks you in and keeps your mind and memories lock in the past, in the bad times.   I only realized where I was in my mind and what I was writing when I got up to get another soda.   Damn, it is insidious.  I don’t want to think of those days, I don’t want to go back there, I did not want to write about it.   Yet I did because that is where my mind is.    Shit, I have to reread this to see where I was in my writing on what I wanted to say.    The meds are starting to take effect and things are starting to move faster than I can deal / function with them.   

So I have kept myself busy and as focused as possible, and another day has gone by without me answering the comments.    Sorry I like the comments, but when I am as upset as I have been I just can not focus enough to reply to them, if I try to do them my mind wanders too much.   But now with my mind slowing down I am going to try to get to some of the older ones.   

Sorry to bring everyone down on a holiday weekend.   I hope everyone has had a great 4th of July and remembers all the great things in their life.   I wanted to tell everyone something else but I can not remember what it is.    Hugs and loves.    Scottie

Sorry but I just realized at least 2 hours have gone by since I wrote this and proofread it.   I have been sitting here at my desk staring at my other monitor and it just went off.   I have no idea what it was showing let me look.   Oh it is something I want to post.  I have to watch it again, I don’t remember much of it.  Hugs