Silenced! A South Korean Film

As most know I have had a rough few days. And I decided as I worked around the house and did stuff I needed something very not news in my head. I told my computer to find me coming of age young people figuring out they were gay. There are great short movies out there by people who lived through it and while some have the same trope, some have really good takes. I never got that chance in my life so I enjoy those movies and cheer for the kids that come together and find themselves at the end. Ok it is not Picard but it is also the kind of things you don’t need to watch as you work to enjoy the story. Then life decided to kick me in the balls.

Then the trailer for the movie silenced came to my ears. I heard it, then rushed to my computers to see what was happening. I watched the trailer. Oh shit … my mind spiraled. Everything I was going through up until then crashed on me … and I clicked on the link. And watched even more screen takes.

While I was crying everything that happened next is entirely my fault. I looked up where you can watch this documentary. This documentary of kids being abused … and getting their day in court. That was what I desperately wanted to see. Them win in court. But sadly two days later I can not get there. And I doubt I ever will, not unless I can get past the abuse. Ron commented I did not seem like myself and have not seemed to be sleeping well, not like I have been for a while. The pictures in my head, the screenshots of memories repeating over and over … no I am not sleeping well.

See the movie beginning details the death of a 5 / 6 year old boy who walks out in front of a moving train, which if you watch long enough you find that the boy had watched his brother beaten for trying to protect him from rape, been repeatedly raped, then his brother raped. The movie makes it even worse because the bath the younger boy got while nude … I got that same damn bath. The soap, the hands, the attention paid … it is all too damn real to me.

And then goes on to mix the new teacher with flashbacks to the rape of a 6 yr girl he interrupted not knowing he had. He witnesses the repeated beatings of a boy that turns out to be the brother that killed himself and he was repeatedly being raped that the teacher finally stops using violence himself. Totally against their societal norms. The reasons for the beatings become clear. The boy tries to resist being repeatedly sexually abused.

At that point I checked out. Lost in time and space in my own mind. I came back to my own mind with the computer player paused and Ron knocking on my office door asking if I wanted supper. I told him no and did not tell him about the video. Then two nights of bad sleep, still have not told him.

I want to finish the movie, I want to see these kids win. But the court part of it which is next will have to include their abuse, the rapes, forced oral sex. Right now I can’t do that. I can’t. I am sorry I know it is a movie but it is a documentary and these kids did go through this. I went through this. So I closed the player a few minutes ago and won’t be opening it for a while. Back to listening to podcasts of news and watching videos of what tRump is doing. As weird as it is to say … it is far less stressful to me than that movie. Sadly now my YouTube feed has a few abuse videos so I have to ignore the suggested and only watch the ones on my subscribed listed. Now you know why the last few days have been a struggle for me. Hugs

As I was checking this Ron knocked on my closed office door. He came over and held his arms out and slowly reached around me to hug me. He asked me if I was OK, that I had been a bit strange lately. I told him I was fine and loved him, just a bit tired. He replied he couldn’t have done the work the last few days without me … which is weird as I can’t help much other than fetch needed tools and parts and the occasional flashlight. But when he came in the room I quickly turned this page to another tab. That means he knows something is wrong and I am not hiding it well enough. So I have to forget the documentary and everything in my past again as best I can.

What I wanted this post to be about was why the hell do I even read this stuff, watch these things. I have to know they will trigger me. Yet it is like a moth to a flame. It is why I had to leave the Male Survivor site. Every story I read and replied to became somehow ingrained in me because some aspect of what they wrote I went through. I started to describe the many ways those posts are me and what I went through … I got five or six sentences in when I realized I was spiraling down again. Let just say it was too many who had parts of my abuse and added together it becomes a whole, and I couldn’t keep putting myself there even to help others. I can not help others if I am wallowing in my own suffering. It was destroying me.

It is why I could listen to Kamyk and help him night after night after night, because our abuse was so different. He was a kidnaped victim for three months for ritualistic abuse. Mine was a long slog from when I was 3 until the last time one of the hell spawn raped me repeatedly at 24. So 21 years of violence and physical abuse. Anyway. I am tired. I am going to answer comments until Ron is ready for bed. Lately he has wanted to cuddle a lot which I really like. Be safe everyone. Hugs

Sorry for not posting much today. Update on my fall

As I wrote I fell two days ago. It was late Monday morning early Tuesday morning. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and went to my Pink Palace. I was sitting in my chair and got up then went to take a step and suddenly had no legs, my right leg was totally gone and my left had about 1/4 strength and was not enough to hold me even if I had warning. See the damage to my spine makes my legs go suddenly dead. It is why I am supposed to use a cane even in the house. I went down hard on my right side bruising my ankle, my right hip right at the place of my implant where it goes into my pelvis, coming down hard on my right shoulder, and I threw my hand down in front of me in a fist to break my fall which has given me a swollen hand and bruised knuckles. It is good I hit my hip where I did, remember I have thin bones osteoporosis. If I had hit on the bone lower could have broken my leg bone. A little higher and it could have been my pelvis. There is a large very dark bruise right in the middle of my still deep very long scar. The surgeon who did my right hip in 2004 was 74 years old doing his duty for god and his country. He had been a military surgeon who when he retired from private practice went back to working for the VA. His office was plastered with posters about the Christian god, and he played Christian radio broadcasts / music while meeting with patients. Today I would have raised a fuss and made it an issue. But the guy flayed me, his scar is wide and over 9 inches long. It runs from my hip across to some of my right butt cheek. My surgeon in 2017 who did my left hip had a small 1-inch scar. So I can hardly move the mouse even the small bit required for using the mouse, and my hand hurts too much to really type. Walking is a real fun exercise right now.

Ron was sound asleep and he said it made a huge boom that woke him. That may have been the shelf I reached out for support and brought it crashing down on me. Everything hit the floor including my Xbox One. Lucky it slid off the shelf as it was tipped to one side as it came off so the box managed to slid down without crashing. Still works so it is OK. But as Ron struggled to pick me up, he complained I was not helping much. I told him I couldn’t control my right leg at all, no muscle control over and could hardly move my left one much less get support out of it. Looking back he should have gotten my walker. It has a seat, he could have wheeled me to the bedroom. He did get me one of my canes which I used to help support me as he supported the other side.

So why not do a video. The roofing company came this morning to put a new roof on to replace the roof they did that kept leaking. Now the rep says we need to keep after the company for assistance repairing the ceiling tiles that got wet so that we can secure the skylight they put in. See it hooks over the inside of the tiles which can’t happen on ours because the skylight kept leaking causing the tiles to swell and then decay away giving the bottom part nothing to hook to. Plus I got a very important post to go make.

While the benefit from the steroids is still going the side effects of driving hunger has worn off. Just in time, I had gained 10 pounds from constant eating. I think if I can get away with it next month I will not take them. Plus hopefully the walking and exercising is creating needed muscle. Anyway to get to the very important post I wanted to make as soon as I get done with this one.

An update on Ron and his mental decline. Mornings are the worst for him and some late evenings before he comes to bed. But lately he has been coming to bed at 8 or 8:30 pm. This morning he was trying to talk to me about things but it was almost impossible. He would start sentences with no subject or thing he was talking about, just saying what he heard or saw. I would have to stop him and gently ask him what we’re talking about, was it a person, place, or thing. This morning he told me one of the roofers asked him if something was ours, saying Scottie someone dropped stuff off on our lawn. The roofers had to move it to park their trucks. Side note I had a stroke in early 2023 and got dysphasia where I could see the word I wanted to say, understood what it meant, but couldn’t get my mouth to say it no matter how hard I worked. It was so damn frustrating. My conversations then made more sense than Ron’s lately in the morning.

I went through the security cameras. Turns out the neighbor two doors down from Ohio were going home today and left a bunch of stuff out on trash day. We have three trash days a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The workers seen it and took the stuff from there to our lawn. Yes they had to move it because they put it there. They did not ask Ron if we owned it, Ron asked them why they brought a bicycle with them. The guy told him where they got it and explained it was being thrown away did Ron mind if they took some of the stuff. He said no keep it. Then came in as I said and told me that someone dropped a bike and shelving unit off on our lawn that the roofing guys had to move. He figured it was maybe stolen because one of the renters of the guy next to us was a person that stole stuff mainly bikes and golf carts. We saw her on our camera try to steal ours and chased her all the way back into the guy’s house.

I went through the security cameras and seen the guy show up, park his large work panel truck. Then he walked up the street he had just driven down, and bring back the bike and several other items back to our lawn. After I watched the camera then talked to Ron again. I showed Ron the camera footage, then explained to him what it showed. So I asked him why the guy asked Ron if it was ours when they knew it was not. Ron looked at me confused and then explained that the guy did not ask him, that Ron had asked the guy if the stuff was theirs. Why he would even do that I don’t know. What do we care as it was not ours?

This morning knowing these guys were coming I got him up at 6:30 so we could both shower. After I got mine I told him that he could start his while I got dressed. I got dressed and still no Ron. I came out to find him fiddling around with blinds. I admit I scolded him because I was frustrated. That was wrong, but I had asked him to get up earlier and he did not want to. I get up at five am. I talked to him and asked if he wanted to get up. No he said. I said when? I asked if 6 am would do. No he was tired. Ok so I waited to 6:30. As it was the guys showed up while he was still in the shower because as I figured they came at 7:30. The same time they came the last time.

At night when he comes to bed the next time I have to pee I come out to check if he has left food out or forgot to close the refrigerator / freezer. So many times before I started checking I would come out in the morning to find one of the other totally iced over. Many times the freezer so iced over the light wouldn’t work until I thawed the switch and the light bulb out. I can tell if he has set the alarm from the bedroom and set it from there with the keyboard or my phone. But he is not sundowning as he is far more with it at night than he is in the morning. In the morning he is struggling hard, he can barely function. I make coffee, deal with the cats if I have not already, he sits in his chair and often forgets to drink his coffee until I remind him as I am ready for my second cup. Then he downs his and hands me his cup.

This is my life and how I am trying to deal with it. Hugs

What my mornings / days have been like lately.

What a day. I have been training my self to get up at 5 am. My body and bowels now wake me at anytime between 4:15 am to 4:30 am. Ok I can live with the waking up, but not with how the bowels like to do it. Warning for poop talk ahead. See since my primary care doctor figured out why I was having diarrhea and worked with my other doctors to change my medications, my poop went from diarrhea to being rocks that could be used as paving blocks. When they move through the lower system they let themselves be known.

Ron had been letting himself sleep in later and later until he got to after 9 am before he would wake up. I told him we couldn’t have that. So I asked him to pick a reasonable time to get up, he picked 6:30 am. But after a few weeks of that and coming to bed earlier, he now wakes up when I get up to start my day. He also now gets up with me. Sometimes he goes back to bed after he has his three cups of coffee and sometimes not. Today he stayed up and went out shopping for a bit of stuff at a bit past 9 am. But … big but.

Our getting things taken care of around here has been a bit haphazard. Sundays are a news day for me. This morning Ron wanted me to make a scrambled eggs and ham breakfast as he likes the way I do eggs the best. I normally add to the meal either fried the potatoes we did not eat from the night before or shredded hash browns along with a few sausages, separate from the eggs but as sides. But today we did not have anything but 6 bread slices, eggs, and the thick ham slices from what we sliced yesterday. So why does Ron want me to cook the eggs. Two reasons, eggs can turn very quickly when cooking no matter how you are cooking them other than boiling them. Fried eggs, scrambled eggs, it doesn’t matter. Ron is incapable of paying the eggs that much attention so they come out bad for him. So how do I make my scrambled eggs different.

First I have a system for breaking the eggshell that makes sure no shell bits get into the eggs. You have to do it when the eggs are very cold. Then take the sharp side of a knife and carefully hit the lower side of the egg at about midline. That causes the egg to makes its own clean break. Next in the bowl add water. Here is the normal thing. Milk adds something I forget since I don’t use it, water adds fluffy. So most cooking shows say add a teaspoon or such … screw that. I add about a huge dash. I never measure it, like I never measure anything I add to stuff I cook (except bread. That needs to be exact to make sure the bread forms correctly), I put the bowl under the faucet and give it a “shot” or today I put the water into a cup measuring cup and between the two bowls I added about a 1/4 cup of water.

Why don’t I worry about the amount of water? Because after stirring it up in the bowls, I put the sauce pot on the stove with a large tab of real butter. Ron used to ask why a sauce pot as he uses a flat pan. Because the smaller pot can let me get the temperature up to a point there the water comes out on top and boils off and lets you fold and refold the eggs until the moisture boils away, then you can fold / chop the scrambled eggs up into ever smaller bits of good dry but not desiccated plate of scrambled eggs. They still have enough moisture to let you mix ketchup or hot sauce into them.

Thinking I was done, I started making posts. But Ron had to go out and get stuff. Crap. But that was where all the other stuff of the last few days came to bite me in the butt. On Sunday I don’t do much but watch news, and I guess on Saturday we had not done dishes, so we had two and a half days of dishes this morning … to be washed. Ron wanted me to do that before he got home. Damn it … OK Ron I will. It took me until well after noon to wash / dry the dishes. Again I thought I had blogging time. But no.

I had barely sat down when Ron came home with the groceries. Actually there were few groceries but He had spent most of that three or four hours he had been gone in Home Depot getting parts for the plumbing project he needed. Ok now I could return to blogging right … Nope. Ron decided that it was time to have the roast he put in the crock pot this morning at about 6 AM. OK, help Ron make supper. Yes we eat early. About between 2 and 3 PM. Why because after 4 pm I can’t eat, or have no interest to eat. Help him with the corn, and potatoes which we decided to bake. 45 minutes later was lunch. The meal was great.

Then came clean up and putting away the food. It is now well after 3 pm, nearly 4 pm. So Ron decided he needed a nap. Would I like to nap with him? Yes of course. We never even got to the cuddle part as he went out right a way after putting on his C-Pap mask. I laid there trying to rest. At 5 pm my phone alarm for me to take my evening pills and set up my morning ones went off. Ron decided he had to get up as he was too sore to cuddle, I got up and made my pills. Now at 5:30 pm I am in my office finishing this post up. This is why it is hard for me to post and much harder to make a video. I did a load of laundry and still have one in the dryer that Ron forgot. I don’t have the energy to fold them or putting them away today. I am done. Just now one of our cats demanded wet food. I have not even managed a shower today, how can I find time to set up everything in my system, record, and then edit a video. Sadly most days I would go with Ron when he goes out shopping, today he fooled me which is why I kept texting him asking if he was OK. He had a small list of 10 items, and yet was gone over three hours. If he had told me he was going to go prowl Home Depot I would have insisted on going along. Not that he doesn’t know what he wants but he gets confused over if he got enough part a or enough part b, and maybe instead he needs part d or f and so he ends up getting far more parts than he needs. Then he says it is OK because they come in handy … some time. When I am with him he can bounce it off me and I can say well you got 5 of this and 6 of that, what is the goal.

Anyway I am going to proofread this. I want to stress that I do not regret spending my time doing housework or helping Ron. I do regret not getting to much of what I want to do with the blog. But I am reassured that even if I do not post some day or days, Ali and Randy will. Sadly that day may be coming sooner than I would like. I always figured that it would be my health that made it hard for me to keep up with the blog, now it is both my health and Ron’s. I have to tell you all, some days I only want to turn my 55-inch 4K TV to viewing position and just watch movies. But I can’t retreat like that. I hope you won’t either. Hugs.

We sliced a bunch of ham today. Here is why

Hi everyone. I am very tired but I wanted to do this post before I crash out and go back to doing other things. Ron and I just got done working together to slice three hams. Small boneless ones. We wait until they go on sale and get a couple. Turns out we had one in the freezer waiting for this. So a good sale came up on small boneless hams and Ron pounced like a lioness after an elk. We once got lucky, a large shoulder ham was at a really low price and had a small bone. That is important. The bone has to be small, if you get one of those that works great. You can have a ham dinner then carve the largest chunks off the bone. Those you slice on the meat slicer and the bone part you boil for soup. (insert Bernie Sanders yelling “Suooop”)! here.

So rather than describe it I will simply but the pictures below. But before I do that you might wonder why I have a meat slicer. Well for about 15 years I made bread for us and our friends. I love the taste of fresh baked bread and I had three great machines to do it. I made a two pound loaf every three days. I tried several ways to cut the bread loaves into slices. The meat slicer has a variable speed and worked great for cutting the bread into even regular slices. I used my machines so much I burned out three Breadman upright loaf machines. I liked that kind because the paddle was in only the one end of the bread loaf and so you did not lose much bread slices. I have never found another like it. I bought two, one was 200 dollars with a squat fat pan that gives an unusable loaf. If anyone has or knows of a good machine Ron keeps asking me to go back to making bread again. Ok below are the pictures. Loves, best wishes, and hugs to all.

Billionaire try 3

I tried to spout off on my view of the things I heard on the Sunday news shows. It took many takes and trying to find my old files as this new program simply wiped out my first video attempt. This is a combination of three videos.

Too tired and too discouraged.

My own doctors have been pushing for 8 years that I need a neurologist. It got much worse after I had my stroke in 2023. But I put it off. But I have seen Ron decline. I admit that the string of numbers I need to put in due to two factor authentication. I need Ron to read them to me, or I have to keep refreshing them as I can’t remember the numbers. I also am dyslexic on numbers. I have never been able to spell but also numbers are not my friends.

But while my doctor has said I need a neurologist due to the lost of strength on my left side due to my stroke, and the ever increasing tremors, and while I have a standing order for an MRI on my left shoulder due to a spasm that my doctor thinks tore my rotator cuff. I put it off. Glad I did.

Ron has been failing mentally for years. I took over the bills a decade ago because he said it was too much for him … I have seen the writing on the wall. Now at 70 I have to often remind him of things, make sure he puts appointments into the calendar. He will open food and walk away leaving it on the counter, he struggles to understand why some of his lapses upset me, always promising to do better … then repeating it.

When it comes to construction issues he is spot on, but now on cooking he comes to me confused. When Ron met me and moved in I had eggs and hot dogs in my refrigerator, it was all I knew how to cook, he taught me all I know. Now he comes to me confused asking what I think we should do. To be clear he understands he is losing memory and time and it terrifies him. He has begged me that if he ever has Alzheimer’s that I will kill him. But he is simply forgetful. I have to get up and check the security system after he goes to bed, but also I have made my own mistakes in my nighttime pills when I am exhausted. I am not sure where this is going to go. I did not think the problem was as bad as this doctor did, but when Ron told me the tests he took … I couldn’t pass them either. We are older people. So … Hugs

My computer issues last week

I am down to one computer.

As most who follow my blog might remember I have two computer systems two monitors, and two speaker set ups … you get the idea. I use one for watching videos / movies which I call the video computer and the other I use to blog, look up stuff, and I call that one the blogging computer. The system works for me.

A month or more ago I was having trouble restarting the XPS blogging computer that I bought in 2016. I found a workaround by using the reset / testing button on the power supply and using the start button. However that is no longer working. Why knowing this did you shut the computer down in the first place I hear people asking? I had an important program that just refused suddenly to work. It let me move the keyboard and mouse between computers with complete easy by simply going to the edge of one monitor to move it to the other. The problem was the program suddenly claimed that it couldn’t see another computer on the network. I tried everything I could think of including reinstalling the program, restarting the router, uninstalling the either net connections, unplugging and plugging the cables. I tried the restart 3 times with each computer. The only thing I could think of is I had a radical handshake that the only way to cure was to turn off the computers, then restart them. I figured I could use the workaround with the power supply to start that computer. It failed. The power supply won’t stay on long enough for the bios to hand the start up to the hard drive.

Why is this an issue. I was able to move all the open tabs from one computer to the other computer via Vivaldi, a browser that Barry told me about and I strongly recommend. The program allows you to set up a session memory for however many days you wish. I have mine set for three days. So after the blogging computer wouldn’t start I could go into the synced cloud of my devices and move all the windows with all the tabs into the video computer. Unfortunately it is stressing it out badly.

However what I couldn’t move is the video files I had just done this morning. I finally figured out two different programs to record the videos that look and sound great. I did two this morning to go with posts I set up two days ago. I can’t get to those videos files. I could if I take the C drive out of that computer and plug it into a very inexpensive device I bought that allows me to plug all the different kinds of drive into it up to three at a time and read them all. But I won’t do that because I found a replacement power supply that will be here tomorrow. But I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and Wednesday Ron and I were going to go shopping, and again Friday I have another doctor’s appointment. Told everyone I have some real health issues.

I had made and was uploading what I think were really great videos. I finally got the programs to work. They were uploading to go with the four posts I had ready to go. They were short, sweet, and looked / sound good. I can still post the posts without the videos. Which I will now do. But I am frustrated. But these computers are 9 years old. Ron and I talked about it. To get me the computers I need to do the work I do would take at least $1,800.00 times two. But if it comes to that we will do it. But my next computers will be at least an Intel 8 chip, the highest ram architecture possible I can afford, and as I learned that in the modern age higher ram makes a huge difference now in how a computer operates. In my days when first learning about computers ram and memory were much less important than the processor speed. I have found out with my own computers the one with a slower processor works far better / faster with a huge memory boost than the one with the bigger processor but locked into a far smaller memory.

So we put the computer on the counter and opened it up. Then we copied all the power supply specs and plugged that into Dell the manufacturer. They no longer have that part available which I already suspected when I went to my Dell page with my products and when I clicked on parts it offered me only three cables. Useless. But Amazon had the power supply I needed. It was not that expensive, fit the chassis and had the same power in / out rating. Plus it could be here tomorrow. So I won’t lose the computer, and will still be able to upload the new videos somewhat late. Ron chided me for know the power supply was failing and not ordering the replacement. I was trying to save money. It will be all good. Thanks for reading. Hugs

Some clips from TizzyEnt

Sorry this may be the last post I make today. I am not doing well. I have had 3 hours sleep in two days. Monday I got a steroid shot in each shoulder so I could move them again. My bones ache so bad I wondered if I had gotten a cold or flu again. Steroids do depress my already depressed immune system. But I can hardly stand the pain in my hands, arms, legs, and I am not a jolly fellow today. Tomorrow I have my allergy shots. That should be great, right, what could go wrong with how I feel. Ron is going with me and we are going to buy the flooring for the Florida room Ron built and that will be my new office. As I have said before it is to give me more light and not feeling so isolated and will give us a spare bedroom for visitors. Hugs

My first video with the new program 2 26 25

I am trying to use a new program to make videos. This video coverers a bunch of topics. Hugs and love. Also I have a new address to send stuff to Kamyk to for those that wish to do so. Hugs.