It’s The End Of The World If We’re Lucky by Clay Jones

And I feel fine. Read on Substack

The bad news is that the “city-killing” asteroid currently headed our way probably won’t hit us. Even if it does, it won’t be here until 2032 which gives Donald Trump, who probably thinks you destroy an asteroid with Preparation-H, and Elon plenty of time to destroy this world first. It looks like they’re going to reach Fort Knox (because they want to make sure it’s still there) before the asteroid does.

Asteroid Schmasteroid…we have MAGA.

The asteroid, 2024 YR4, is 180 feet wide which is about as close as you can get to Donald Trump before you get a whiff of his diaper. 180 feet is also plenty of room for Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to land a space shuttle and drill a giant hole into which a nuclear device would be placed. The film Armageddon was based on sound science, right? I refuse to believe Billy Bob Thornton would allow himself to be cast in a junk science movie. Steve Buscemi, maybe, but not Billy Bob. And I’d trust Bad Santa over Bad Batman any day. 

George Clooney was the George W. Bush of Batmans. We all hated Clooney but wanted him back after seeing Affleck do it…just like we wanted W back after Trump came along.

And what’s the deal with the name? Why do asteroids get shit like “YRV” and hurricanes get names like Laura (see what I did there?)? Even pets get more respect than asteroids. I knew a cat named Don Cheadle. Since asteroids can destroy our planet, which I’m assuming most of us will hate, let’s name them after actors we hate.

Asteroid Seth Rogan was given 1-32 odds of blasting into us and with the right amount of luck, it’d hit MAGA-Lardo. Then, Seth Rogen’s odds dropped to 1-67. It’s OK to use Seth Rogen here. If he gets lost in space, we’ll be just fine because we still have Jonah Hill who’s basically the same person but with an Oscar. We don’t need two Seth Rogens. Also, Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg, same person.

Now, the odds of city-killing Seth Rogen slamming into the planet are 1-360, which are a lot slimmer odds than Seth Rogen’s The Interview destroying the planet because it really pissed off nuke-loving Kim Jong Un. And if there is a city-killing asteroid headed this way, why couldn’t it have arrived before I saw Seth Rogen’s Green Hornet? Oh, the humanity!
Say what you will about the Cats! movie but it didn’t nearly destroy the planet.

Asteroid Seth Rogen has a 0.28% chance of destroying us all. The next city-killer headed our way is Asteroid 1950 DA or as I like to call it, Asteroid Kevin Hart (and if you think he’s annoying now, go watch his Peacock talk show), which has a 0.039% chance of impacting Earth in 2880.

These asteroids can’t get here soon enough to wipe out Trump, Musk, Seth Rogen, Kevin Hart, Nickelback, or DJs. You know how DJs put new beats into songs, making them even worse than they started. Last night, a friend dragged me to a bar where a DJ was making a Nickelback song even more torturous, which I didn’t think was possible. I once broke up with a girl because she believed DJs were musicians. DJs are musicians about as much as Gary Varvel is a journalist.

Since these unreliable asteroids aren’t cooperating, it’s up to us to save our nation from MuskTrump.

I bet MAGA-Lardo has a DJ.

Creative note: I was planning to do this cartoon yesterday but decided Kash Patel should come first.

Drawn in 30 seconds: (snip-go see)