I need to apologize for the lack of posts the last three days. I have been spending a lot of time with Ron and I have been cooking three meals a day and doing the dishes and laundry which has left little time for posting. Then late last night Ron realized how much he had been taking of my time and so today he wanted to leave me alone. But then I did something I had not done for a month or more, I went to the abuse survivor site. And one post led to the next and eventually to eventally 40 open tabs of fellow abuse survivors discussions of what they went through. When Ron got back at 3:30 he noticed I was very upset. He kept asking why until I told him. Then he was angry. He wanted to go in and close the entire window of open tabs. He joked of taking my computer away from me like a teenager who went to the wrong websites. I had to explain it to him. I can’t talk to anyone about my childhood / young adult abuse. I don’t have anyone to share the memories with other than the blog and I feel horrible when I do that even though it helps me because I can’t help but think I am hurting people I care about like it hurts Ron when I share my memories with him. But on that site, on the male survivor website are people who went through what I did, and they understand, they can hear me, and I can hear them with out it harming us, except that it becomes a loop I struggle to break out of. I want to read every post and give a reply because I was there as they were, I am suffering as they are, and I can understand their pain and anger as they can mine. It is a place to share my memories with people and not feel I am damaging them because they are already hurt. Ron struggled to understand that and I told him. “You did not know my abusers like I did. But by the time you met them I had moved out of their home and they had moved on to their own homes and families. I reminded him my abusive hellspawn sister who threw parties offering me as a party flavor to any teen who wanted me male or female required her own son to sleep in her bedroom from his preteen years until he left the house as an adult”. I know she made me please her, did she do the same to him? I was paralyzed to help him. At the time ron did not know of my abuse but he felt something was wrong. It was well known in the “family” and no one thought it wrong. I suspect my oldest male hellspawn did the same to his two young daughters. I reminded Ron how my adoptive mother kept trying to kiss me on the lips when she was in the park model we owned. He looked stricken and walked away, I think he had not connected the dots of that and how I had to try to avoid that. Anyway I have deleted the window those tabs were in and I am going to reply to a few comments do the few dishes, and then try to do a cartoons / memes / news roundup hopefully for tomorrow. Hugs
Hate and how to respond
Scottie's Playtime 
that’s perfect
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Hi Judy. Yes it is a perfect way to respond to bigots and hate. Sadly, it normally never happens that way. As a gay man I remember never being attacked or threatened as a military person in the military. Religious people would target me to pray me straight, but no physical violence. However when I got home from the military Ron had a bar that was coded gay. And I got in numerous fights as the night went on and people were leaving. They were attacked by straight men who somehow felt that gay men threatened them somehow. Think on that. Why would straight men think gay people having a place to gather was somehow an attack on them? Are they worried they are willing to be gay?
But I have to admit that while I was one of the people escorting gay men to their cars, when the real violence went down, it was the women who stepped in and cleaned house. Yes, Lesbian had less fear and more anger than even I did as a well trained army vet. Anyone who thinks women are a weaker people has never seen lesbian women clear out a sidewalk of straight cis men with bats trying to attack LGBTQ+ people leaving the bar. When we would send the word that we were outnumbered, the lesbians would pour out of the bar and clean house. They were like street level marines who knew how to fight and did it with passion. It is sad that had to happen that way but I admit when I was facing off against three or four guys, it was a great feeling to have one of these lesbians tap me on the shoulder to let me know they were there.
And anyone who thinks they can’t fight is wrong. I remember I had stepped in to get a slim young 19 year old to his car. The first assault was by two people, and then remember this was before I knew my bones were dying. I could handle two assholes. But then they had five more show up to help them. It was me against 7. I realized they did that deliberately, making it look like the assault was easy to turn back, and then they brought in everyone else. I was getting the shit kicked out of me along with a lot of shitty bigoted words being spewed. Then I felt myself being jerked back, and the four lesbians started to engage. They were better than any military training exercise I had been in. Every time I tried to join in, one of them would shove me back out of the fight. I have to admit after that it was two weeks before we had another incident of people leaving the bar. As to the women who cleaned the clocks of the men who wanted to hurt us, I sadly have to say they picked up little slim me and took me back in the bar and sort of made a show of getting me a drink and… OK, this is hard to say as I was a well trained army veteran, but they set me on the bar and told the bartender to give me what I wanted. I have to admit I felt really good and protected, but at the same time a bit embarrassed. After all, I, a small 120 pound Army boy was protected by four large lesbian women. It sort of hurt my pride. But not for long. Hugs
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Hi Scottie. I was laughing a bit at how that must be for those guys in your response to Judy, to have gone there with the intent of showing those gay guys the evil of their ways only to have the women hand them their hat like that. Do you ever wonder where such people are now, how they look upon their life back then. Mirrors must be difficult for them.
As I told you once before, you need to be careful of riding to the rescue of others. There are rescues you can do, and you do them well, but others are like the lifeguard at the beach who swims out to help those drowning only to be dragged down in the process. Also, be careful of what you take in; in computer terminology you would refer to it as gigo. But, I understand the ~want~ to be understood. It’s almost like the “Cheers” ’80’s sitcom. I just don’t think that is a healthy place for you.
I’m no-one to preach, so please forgive me as that isn’t what I mean to do. I just think that we can look at our memories and acknowledge the hurt, but we also have to look at our life past those memories, revel in the successes and enjoy the wins. You have had so many wins, even though sometimes it’s hard to see them when you are hurting.
Ok, I’m going to put my pom-poms away before you start making jokes about my cheerleader skirt.
Hugs!!
-Randy
oh, and I loved the clip. So many people filled with hate want people to drop down into the mud and wrestle with them there. Taking the high road is absolutely confusing to them.
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Hi Randy. What you wrote is the truth so there is no need for you to stop expressing it. And I can agree with you. It is not really healthy for me to spend more than 15 or 20 minutes on the site. It starts to lock me into a loop and gives the vortex an opening and easy way to get past my defenses I have built up over the years. I don’t know why I do it. It is like news stories of abused kids, why to I make myself read them? Am I punishing myself or am I trying to find sympathetic ear? Either way it is bad for me until I learn how to control it and not be drawn into it like a bottomless pit.
As for helping people I find I can’t do it like I once could. It frustrates me and causes me to go overboard and over the top when I find a way to help. I think you know what I am talking about. As for the haters wanting to have the people they hate react with anger and return hate for hate, it only fuels their own beliefs. If you are quick witted enough or smart enough you can destroy them with wit and humor. I hope you are healing and feeling better. Hugs
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