OK this won’t be a full post on my abuse because Ron is terrified of my being emotionally upset before my surgery tomorrow. This female sibling was pregnant at 13 and married at 14. But while she was in the house she was the defacto caregiver to me. She was the one who tied me to a stair banister and let her boyfriends and other boys rape me. Her soon to be husband wanted more so she arranged for him to force me to give him blow jobs and rape me in other places / context. He had a fascination with buttholes so you can guess what that meant for the 3, and 4 and 5 and 6 year old me.
She was the one who farmed me out to the guy across the street at age 3 who was a real little boy lover so while he used my body he never made me hurt like I was being hurt at home. He often got upset at my bruised body. He often gave me the only real affection I felt at that time. I just had to let him use my body to gain it.
She tried to get me removed from the will due to the fact I was adopted. In her own writings she said I was never a part of the family so shouldn’t have a share of the inheritance. She failed to mention how badly I was treated by the family for some reason. The courts disagreed with her. Her husband was the executor of the estate and he was informed and needed to be ordered by the court to change the legal paperwork to reflect my new legal name, but in her obituary she used the family name of my abusers. She knew better at this point, as did her husband who once was said to be a corrupt cop.
I am going to try to keep my mind from it. But what Ron doesn’t know is my mind went there last night. Just not bad enough for me to yell / scream out. I will have to deal with it soon. But not hopefully tonight the night before my spine surgery. Hugs
I barely got the cartoons / memes /news post out for the morning of the 13th on time. I have been struggling the last four days. I set my alarm and pulled my old ass out of bed this morning even though Ron protested I need far more sleep and I managed to get today’s cartoons / memes / news post out around noon my time. It takes 6 or more hours to put it together as I have to sort them as I put them in the post page. And if something comes up that needs to be inserted before hitting the post I have to work that in. I am not complaining. I love doing them and it seems many love seeing them. There are over 60 separate web pages with each having many things on each one.
Yesterday I went back through the comments and opened a new tab for everyone I could see addressed to me and a few to Ali that caught my attention. I really do love the comments. I will be honest if I could have a blog of just comments I would do that and not post. I love the interaction with people, and yes even with people I disagree with.
So today dealing with everything else I got the first one out. I listened to the mostly biased bulls**t corporate broadcast media and grew ever more upset over the lies and misinformation.
Then I started on the cartoons / memes / and news post for tomorrow. At some point Ron told me we had to do supper and we had agreed on ribs, ear corn, and small new potatoes chunked. As time for supper came near Ron had me take my blood sugar and because I am eating so little / infrequently it was 72, below what my endrochonoligest wants for me because of my pain levels. He again explained to me that the kind of pain I have causes my body to produce blood sugar to protect itself.
We started to eat. I ate two ribs, about four potato chunks and started on an ear of corn when I got so sleepy and tired. I couldn’t finish. Ron came to the door of my office and saw me sort of dozing over my plate and demanded I go to bed. I pointed to the nearly eaten ear of corn and the rest while pretending I had not fallen asleep. He asked me to eat the small amount of corn left on the ear as he knows how much I like that and then reached in front of me and took the plate with the other stuff away.
He has already set the bed up for the pile of cat towels that rest close to me on the king size bed because Ron’s cat Tupac clings to and cuddles me at night. But the multiple layers are needed because he is incontenate and when he wakes up noticing he is lying in his own pee soaked towels he will nudge me to remove them so he has fresh clean towels to then lie back down on. Why me and not Ron?
Tomorrow morning I have a pain doctor appointment where I hope they will be able to give me enough trigger point steroid injections that I will be able to walk again. After that I will try to finish the post I started today, but it will have to be after noon my time as my appointment is for 10 am. Plus I have new information on Ron’s eye surgery as well as mine.
I apologize to everyone for being so weak that I cannot get these posts out on time. My health has gotten so much better and I am starting to grow hair and fingernails again. I have more energy than even a month ago, but I still get so very tired that I need to go to bed at weird times. For example I was working on posting something a few days ago and suddenly I had to go laydown for an hour / half before I could get back up to finish it.
Thank you for understanding, especially about the comments. Please keep sending them in on posts even if you feel I have not responded. I try to go back through the WordPress dashboard to open those I missed in new tabs. I do miss some and if you think I missed your comment you want me to address please send it to me again. I am not ghosting you; I am just very tired.
Best wishes to everyone and hugs / love to all who want them. I really care about people and the people here seem like grand people to care about. Scottie
Hi Everyone. Sorry for no posts except from my phone and later from my tablet which I have to carry a backup power supply and cord with me now to doctors appointments as my old pad has a battery life of less than 10 minutes. A new Ipad is not a priority for our money right now even the cheapest one. Ron needs heart surgery, Ron needs cataract surgery, I need both new glasses and cataract surgery, and the van still has an oil leak. Plus Kamyk has basicly given up and slipped into depression. He had an apartment open up that he needed first/ last / and security for which came to $900 a month. It was government-subsidized housing. But because he is in long term care now the nursing home took all his SSI, leaving him with no money. Plus he no longer gets physcial therapy so he is slowly losing the ability to walk again. His sister started a go fund me but he forbade her to tell me about it. He felt we had all done too much for him and did not want me or you people to think he was trying to milk us or be greedy.
In a way I am glad he did not tell me until it was too late because I worry that as he can’t walk well, doesn’t drive, and did not know how long it will take to get his SSI back, that he wouldn’t be able to care for himself and so would be homeless in two months. The nursing home he is in is really nice compared to the last one which was abusing him emotionally, physically, and even sexually because the nurses decided he needed Jesus in his life and he rejected that being forced on him. So they were going to abuse him until he relented and came to their Jesus. This one gives him his medications on time, changes his ostomy bag or helps him do it, and they have been nice / kind to him. I understand his frustrations having to share a room with another person and basicly having no privacy but… the US government / wealthy don’t care about people in a land where profit is king.
I got up at 4:20 to feed the cat who when he thinks he needs food howls to get one of us up. I decided to stay up and watch the recorded news that I did not get to watch yesterday. I was not well at all yesterday, highly stressed which has been the situation for a while. My doctors were clear and Ron reminded me that my body breaks down under stress, and I am to be under as little stress as possible. That is not possible and has not been for a while. When I woke yesterday it was already much later than normal for me. Ron said he could tell I was having a bad night, I was highly agitated. I had gotten up at 2 am with a huge contracture, a “cramp” in the large side muscle in the upper part of the leg. I managed to get out of bed but couldn’t straighten out my leg. I spent 30 minutes moving around the bed holding on to the dresser and the end of the bed, leaning over to put weight on the leg, then removing it. Eventally I got it to touch the floor and hold some weight so I limped to my office and got a cane, then went to the bathroom which was a critical need by then. Ron never woke up and was upset I did not wake him. Not much he could do that I did not know to do myself.
When I got up with Ron at 7 I still couldn’t move or use the leg which was being electrified from the knee down, I couldn’t bend the leg due to the muscle still hurting from the cramp. I was swinging the leg forward and walking “peg legged” with a cane. Ron realized something was wrong and had me take my blood pressure and pulse. My blood pressure was extremely high. My pulse was also far too high. So high he asked me to take another dose of my blood pressure and heart rate medications. Ron had me sitting and checking it every ten minutes. It was not coming down and the first news show I started watching made it worse. So as I as them recorded I went back to bed until noon.
The reason for so much stress is Ron. He had his new medication Saturday that opens the arteries so he was better Sunday, but all day friday and Saturday I had to watch him and deal with him. He was exstrememly forgetful, unable to work his computer, he would sit in his recliner and fall asleep even during a conversation. He has bad sleep apnea and so he has to have his CPAP machine anytime he goes to sleep. But even in the bed he was forgetting to put it on until reminded. I offered to move it out to his chair but he would promise not to fall asleep as he just wanted to watch a few things on TV, 2 minutes later he was asleep. I would make him go to bed and I stay there until he had his CPAP on. I don’t dare let him drive like this so I am doing all the driving and shopping now. I am doing the dishes so he doesn’t exsert himself and the last time he washed the dishes he put everything away in the worng drawers not even realizing he was doing it. So yesterday afternoon while he slept I did the dishes. He cooked a porkloin last night so I have a bunch of dishes to do when I get home. I did pick everything up and rinsed everything off / out so it should be easier than it could have been.
I have a doctor’s appointment this morning and I have to go with Ron as you can see to his new heart surgeon on Wednesday morning, which I have to look up and see where he is. I am tired people. I went to bed at 5 yesterday but kept getting up to check on Ron as he was in his recliner and I wanted to make sure he was not sleeping. Care of the cat has totally fallen to me now. I asked him if he could clean the cat litter box before he came to bed. He assured me he would so I went to bed. And he did not do it as he forgot. I did it when I woke up. Randy is sick after just having surgery, his parents are both sick / ill. Ron is teetering with the same thing that killed his brother-in-law. And I am worried and scared.
When I get the dishes done today I will try to get to the wonderful comments and reply to somethings Ali posted which I appreciate. Ali has really stepped up and is posting more to give everyone something on the blog to read and engage in. I can’t say how much I am grateful for that. Got to go. Hugs
I need to apologize for the lack of posts the last three days. I have been spending a lot of time with Ron and I have been cooking three meals a day and doing the dishes and laundry which has left little time for posting. Then late last night Ron realized how much he had been taking of my time and so today he wanted to leave me alone. But then I did something I had not done for a month or more, I went to the abuse survivor site. And one post led to the next and eventually to eventally 40 open tabs of fellow abuse survivors discussions of what they went through. When Ron got back at 3:30 he noticed I was very upset. He kept asking why until I told him. Then he was angry. He wanted to go in and close the entire window of open tabs. He joked of taking my computer away from me like a teenager who went to the wrong websites. I had to explain it to him. I can’t talk to anyone about my childhood / young adult abuse. I don’t have anyone to share the memories with other than the blog and I feel horrible when I do that even though it helps me because I can’t help but think I am hurting people I care about like it hurts Ron when I share my memories with him. But on that site, on the male survivor website are people who went through what I did, and they understand, they can hear me, and I can hear them with out it harming us, except that it becomes a loop I struggle to break out of. I want to read every post and give a reply because I was there as they were, I am suffering as they are, and I can understand their pain and anger as they can mine. It is a place to share my memories with people and not feel I am damaging them because they are already hurt. Ron struggled to understand that and I told him. “You did not know my abusers like I did. But by the time you met them I had moved out of their home and they had moved on to their own homes and families. I reminded him my abusive hellspawn sister who threw parties offering me as a party flavor to any teen who wanted me male or female required her own son to sleep in her bedroom from his preteen years until he left the house as an adult”. I know she made me please her, did she do the same to him? I was paralyzed to help him. At the time ron did not know of my abuse but he felt something was wrong. It was well known in the “family” and no one thought it wrong. I suspect my oldest male hellspawn did the same to his two young daughters. I reminded Ron how my adoptive mother kept trying to kiss me on the lips when she was in the park model we owned. He looked stricken and walked away, I think he had not connected the dots of that and how I had to try to avoid that. Anyway I have deleted the window those tabs were in and I am going to reply to a few comments do the few dishes, and then try to do a cartoons / memes / news roundup hopefully for tomorrow. Hugs
Suzy Sunshine and I met today and we mutually agreed that she couldn’t help me. She started off the session on grounding technics, and when she told me what they were I led her through each sense and how I try to stop the vortex from taking me and the steps involved, I described every step involved she stopped and looked sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said you knew all this before I could tell you. I said I have been dealing with these memories, emotions, and the cascading tornado of the vortex along with the emotional roller coaster of what happens for most of my life. I have learned to image and use the positive things in my life as handles to keep the tornado black vortex from drawing me in to it. In the last decade or more I have had to seriously draw on them to stay sane. No one taught me these things, I found them on my own because I was in such distress. At that point she told me I had passed the point where anything she could offer me would help. We left it I would work on it more myself and if I started to get in a bad place like I was in November and December I would call her and she would get me in with a trauma therapist. We parted on good terms with her saying as I put my heavy over shirt on because it is really cold here in Florida, “I am sorry I wanted to help, but what you are dealing with is way beyond anything I was trained for or ready for”. I thanked her and explained what I am dealing with most people can’t understand … but all I need is their caring support and honest concern for my wellbeing, something I never got as a child. I think what broke her was when she asked about smells could I think of a positive smell that might pull me from a trigger. I explained to her that all smells are relative and for example Ron might be cooking hamburgers and french fries and it might make me happy. Or it could remind me of when as a child the rest got to sit at the table eating hamburgers and French fries while I was made to stand across the room and watch. I saw her start to close down and she stuttered as she said yes I can see how that may be triggering. Anyway a song for the attempt at therapy. Oh if no one noticed I updated the Kamyk post, please read the new part at the end. Hugs
I thank everyone who is still commenting and reading what little I am posting. I will be back soon hopefully. I was going to make a video today on what has been going on but I am just too tired. Hugs to all. You are grand. Hugs
I want to thank everyone that encouraged me to go forward with what is to me a scary operation. I love everyone that wrote / called me to tell me their stories. I had my second appointment with the eye doctor. Even with the prism that took some of the fussy out of the letters I was seeing the best they could do for me was 20/70. I have no idea of what that means but she asked if I was driving and I replied yes which seemed to upset the doctor. The office is wonderful and very LGBTQ+ affirmative and they included and joked with us totally comfortably. I had to laugh when the doctor asked the eye person to get his husband and she went out and told Ron he had been summoned.
It seems she feels I need to have the surgery to see. She is unsure if they will do both eyes but feels they will. She explained what she felt would be our costs, and what would happen to my eyesight if we did not go forward. Ron told them about how high the magnification is on my monitors and how he has to try to step back to read everything smoothly. He told them it was unacceptable my sight would get any worse and I would lose the ability to do what I love, be on the computer with all of you.
So they set up an appointment with the eye surgeon. I was shocked at how fast it was happening. I figured I would have a couple of months, but the appointment is for next Monday. Ok I know everyone has told me how great their experience was but … I admit to being scared. My eyes are so important to me and how I live my life. I could give many organs but if I lose my sight my life as I love it is over.
The eye doctor is a wonderful older lady who was concerned about the costs for us and Ron told her we would manage that it was important enough. She cautioned us not to be dragged into expensive things I man not need as most people getting the normal corrective lens were more than satisfied and had good vision. She warned that the market was in convincing us to pay for “Upgraded corrective lenses” that I may not need or could be avoided with a cheap pair of reader glasses.
I have to admit she was far different from the big business eye place Ron and I went to several years ago. I was not yet 62 so they told me as soon as I was I needed to see them to have the cataracts removed. Ron was already over that age for Medicare to pay for it and they pushed him hard to have the surgery. His eyesight was far better and less cloudy than mine. They just wanted the money from Medicare. Plus after my exam they took me to their glasses section. After picking out what I thought was a pair of reasonably priced frames they totaled up my new glasses … at $1,400.00
I looked at Ron, we had never paid that for any glasses. I told them I needed to think on it and never went back. The only issue I have is do I pay extra for the “corrective lenses”? If anyone could leave me a message on their experience either way, I would be so grateful. Ron was such a cheerleader for me after we left the eye doctor’s office saying how he felt this would be so good for me and make what I love doing on the computer so easy. I wish I felt as confidant as he does. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 