Self inflicted wounds, two days of unnecessary work

As Nan said and I may be paraphrasing this a bit “It never stops for you does it”. 😢😜😒❤

I lost two days of blogging and replying to comments, which before I was well on the way to catching up on my comments. Ok let us start at the beginning.

Tuesday we had to take the cat Odie to the vet. On Sunday night Ron noticed a blood spot on top of his pee in the litter box and he called me into the small bathroom where the cat boxes are. Odie had been doing ever smaller pees, and we had thought he was forcing himself to pee because we give him treaties when he uses his box. But the pees were getting smaller and smaller until they were only like a spoonful and on that Sunday night each one had a red spot in them. I agreed in the morning he needed to go to the vet, and I did not agree to an emergency weekend night vet hospital visit, I did not want to spend over $800 dollars just to walk into the door, and then even more on what did not seem to really be upsetting the cat. He was not crying and seemed OK. So Monday, as soon as the vet office we use opened Ron was on the phone with them. Ok to give Ron some cover, we had lost our wonderful Milo due to a kidney issue and we both still miss him. They asked Ron questions, asked about the amount of blood, where it was, and the distress the cat was showing. The reason for this is that vets are seriously short supply, and far more are needed. Think about it, if you are willing to do that much education and medical training why not just go into human medicine where it is thought you can make more money. I have found a good vet is well worth more money than they get paid, but most pet owners cannot afford what real pet treatment costs. Because pet medical insurance is not pushed as much as human medical insurance most people are stunned and at a loss when a pet needs medical help. They gave Ron a 9 AM Tuesday appointment.

Good news is Odie is going to be OK and he is not dying. The bad news is he is diabetic and had a UTI. We have to give him a shot of 3 units of insulin twice a day. Ron gave him the first shot but it seems I have been assigned that task since that first one.

But all day Tuesday I noticed I was having trouble with web pages. Slow loading and pictures / videos were not loading full until I refreshed the page. On YouTube after a video going back to the main page took longer than normal, seeming to hang up at the three quarters mark. On Wednesday morning Ron told me he had trouble Tuesday and so did James. I said I would look at the router stats. That is when I found my two desktop computers were blocked from the router sign in page. But I could reach it with my phone. I could also reach it with Ron’s laptop. I reset the router, then did it again. No changes. I should have put two things together and got the right answer. Instead I created two days of needless work and lost blogging time. I run Nordsvpn, Norton 360 at the most aggressive settings, I have Norton’s Ultimate Utilities with their privacy settings all on, Ashampoo® WinOptimizer 25 with all the privacy settings on, I run CCleaner professional with that group of programs, and about four months ago I added the Kamo program from that same company. Which recently got updated. Put a pin in that. Recent update, new computer problems. I run most of that stuff on Ron’s computers also, but have not gotten around to adding Kamo yet.

I figured I could dump both computers and get them all set up again in a few hours. I keep forgetting that my windows programs are years older and so they need a lot of updates to get up to speed. I have a ton of programs to install and sometimes update. It now takes a day to just do the updates and also every windows update seems to require redoing all the settings to maintain privacy. And some programs have to wait until windows is updated enough to let them install. So Wednesday I spent the day loading / installing computer programs while checking to make sure I could access the router. I stopped testing that after a few hours when it seemed to be working correctly.

Thursday morning I got up, did the morning chores, fired up the computers, and decided to check the router. Neither computer could access the router sign in page. Again after all that work reloading and fix the computers the day before the problem was still there. I decided to work just on the video computer and started with just resetting the operating system which would remove the added programs and fix windows without all the windows updating. I then loaded each program and tested the computer’s ability to access the router sign on page. All day loading programs, testing, loading the next one, updating, testing, redoing settings, testing. All day it worked fine. Then I loaded Kamo. Bam. I couldn’t access the sign on page of the router, it just wouldn’t open. I deleted Kamo, cleaned the computer, and tried to open the sign on page of the router. It opened right up. I had found the thing keeping me from the router and it was not malware or a virus. It was one of my own programs. I like the program because I am serious about my privacy. This program helps stop online tracking; it randomizes your computer’s fingerprint. The website describes it as, Prevents online tracking · Prevents online ID theft · Shields your browsing history from prying eyes · Uncovers trackers, and stops them. With every click, your digital fingerprint gets more detailed, so using a tool like Kamo becomes essential. Kamo is a privacy application designed to keep your identity safe from the latest online tracking techniques. It works by injecting fake information into the data that makes up your digital fingerprint.

Well two days wasted but … it got worse. I got up Friday morning after not being able to sleep much. Did the morning chores, found the cat pooped on the floor of our bathroom, cleaned that up. I took all my morning medications. Two hours later I was getting nauseous and having abdominal cramps. Ron said I did not look well. I decided to have a bowl of vegetable soup to see if it would calm my stomach. It did, but not the way I planned it. I ate and then Ron asked if I wanted to go nap with him. Yes I would. As I walked to the bedroom my clenching belly got worse and I was sure I was going to throw up. So I went into the bathroom just in case. Sure enough, I vomited up all the soup, my medications, and my morning coffee. When I returned to the bedroom Ron said I looked like I was having a bad allergic reaction. We went for an hour and half nap. I got feeling much better if tired. Now I am trying to write this up, post it, look over a bit of news, and then do as many replies as possible today.

To sum up the last few days. Not every computer problem is caused by malware or viruses, some days the internet itself is under attack and slow, and I have to stop being so fast at just dumping the computers. I made two days of needless work for myself that a bit of thought about the fact Kamo had just updated and if I wanted to see if it was the problem I could have just removed it, tested the ability to reach the router sign on page, then reinstalled it. I could have realized the one program difference between my desktops and Ron’s laptop was Kamo. But everything is up and running very well. Best wishes. Hugs

I just cannot do it, I am sorry

If you read my last post you know that I was going to try to move on to comments. But things change. I took my blood sugar and it was 97. Ron did not want it to go any lower. So he begged me to eat. He asked what I wanted, and I really wanted a salad. Surprisingly, I love what for me is a salad. It has lettuce, white mushrooms, croutons, sometimes a few things like sprouts, but mostly I like lettuce and mushrooms. He insisted that because of my low blood sugar I have a grilled cheese sandwich. I normally love those as Ron makes mind with Munster. I just couldn’t eat. He asked me to eat a quarter of the sandwich which I did, and I had already eaten half the salad. I couldn’t do anymore and was almost in tears trying. He took everything and he said it was OK and enough. I only took 4 units of insulin so that should equal that out. I should have only taken 2 units but Ron thought I would eat more than I did.

I won’t be getting to the comments, sorry if you are waiting for my reply, I am going to bed, that welcoming sweet darkness where most of the time my mind wanders free and I have a wonderful time, even sometimes like last night having full command of my body and able to run as I did in my youth with no pain and great strength. But sometimes at least three or four times a week the nightmares come. Anyway, good night I cannot do this anymore today. Hugs and loves. I hope you all are well. Night

I am still shaky but I am going to try to concentrate on comments.

It happened again. A story flashed up on my phone and I started reading it. It was the one about “troubled youth” and abused kids. I started reading it. Stopped reading. I tried to do other things. Couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was getting very stressed. Read the rest. Lost it, terribly upset, I went to bed. I was in bed for three hours this morning. I couldn’t stop my mind, I couldn’t get control. I tried hard to make everything go away. Ron came in a couple times to check on me. I finally managed to sleep. I recognized the signs of depression. Depression for me is to get to a point of complete retreat, wanting the darkness of nothing. I got back up, with lots of support from Ron and even the cat was all over me and is on my desk, I got first back on YouTube. I started streaming Sam Seder, trying to distract myself. I started at noon. I then went on my news feeds and tried to distract myself with more stuff. I admit it is hard to think at this time.

Every day I see child abuse stories in my news feeds. Today on Joe My God the catholic defense league guy said argued that it was unfair of the Ag of Pennsylvania to claim the church did child abuse because most of the victims were not little children but adolescents. Like that makes it better?

But please don’t say just ignore the stories. Just ignore them when they show up in your news feeds, so you don’t get yourself upset. But it doesn’t work that way. These stories build on each other. One, two, three of them may be OK today, but the fourth tips the lever, but on another day all the stories are OK, but the next day the first story trips the lever. The point I am trying to make is that the stories won’t stop, and I cannot tell if it will be the first story or the tenth story that will trigger me. By the time I get to that story that triggers me it is too late, it has already happened. I lost yesterday to a series of abuse stories and went to bed about 5 PM. Even Ron was surprised at how early I went to bed for what he thought was no reason. But the desire to make it all go away, depression, was too great for me to stay up. Ron tried to get me up at 8 PM. I tried, I sat on the edge of the bed, and I just couldn’t. I took off my clothes and got into bed. I was awake of and on by 2 Am and fully awake by 4 Am but I just couldn’t make myself get up. I finally got up at 5:30 Am. And I was doing well until I hit that story.

So on to now around 3:45 Pm. I am going to switch over to comments and hope I make sense, comments take a lot of thought power, I love them, and I want to do them correctly, answer them with my full mental ability, to me they are a discussion or conversation. But earlier I did not feel I could concentrate well enough. Lots of loves and hugs, let’s start the roller coaster ride. Hugs Oh and OT, the last two days the Cat, Odie, has had diarrhea and shitten all over the house and feels so bad he comes to me raising his butt so I see the mess and clean it for him (he won’t let anyone else in the house do it) I will make a vet appointment for him if it continues. The first day we had to decide if it was deliberate in the bathroom where his box is because he tends to have a territorial fight with James over who gets control over the bathroom that James uses and the boxes are in. But this is going on day three and it has spread to the kitchen and under the table. Hugs

I am back, I think, but still shaky

How fast a day can change for me. I was doing really good this morning. When I got up early, I did all the morning chores, fed cats inside and out, got the news programs set up, got something to eat. Started replying to comments and was basically having a good day. I figured I would have to stop in the afternoon to finish the laundry before Ron and James came home in a few days.

But reality has a way of smacking me around sometimes. After I watched the morning news I checked my news feeds, the web pages that when opened show me the lists or blocks of news I have not seen since I last opened the pages. My dogs that love gravy, did the entire world go on an abuse kids kick while I was sleeping? !!!!

Ok I know how to handle a few bad stories about kids being abused or raped. I had my guards up. So the first one I read was about a school in Connecticut, then a few stories later a story of a juvenile prison abusing kids that was written very explicitly. I mean very step by step how the kids were abused. I was still on my feet so to speak. Then I read not one but two stories from England and …

Before I could get my breath, the vortex was here. I struggled to get away and to find something else to fill my thoughts. But I was taken to the time before I was in kindergarten, I was 3 and 4 and it would continue until we moved due to the charges of abuse against my adoptive parents. My entire afternoon is gone. I had so much I wanted to do.

Now that my mind is out of the vortex, but not yet secure, the howling winds and memories tearing at me are still there, I want to write this, they say it helps when I need to go back later. I am not sure I agree but here it is.

Should I change the color? Everyone knows I write in blue because I like the color. Ok yes I am stalling. I just lost 4 or 6 hours of my life trapped in memories of my own abuse, I think I can be confused about what color to use. Shit I do not think I can get through this.

Ok when I was taken to live with the people I was to call mother and father, and their hell spawn brothers / sisters the house I first remember was on a U shaped street. That was not the first house I was in, and I remember bits and pieces of the bus ride to them, but not enough to put much together.

But I do remember that house and the fact I had to sleep in a hallway, I had no bed. The girl next door who was older than me but I don’t remember her that well, would come over and ask if I could come over to her house to play. I did not want to, but I never refused, but choices were not left to me away.

I learned not to make a fuss but to just go with her to her place on the second floor of an apartment building. The stairs seemed steep and gravity strong for little me to walk up. Here her brother, who years later I learned was a Vietnam vet, was waiting to welcome me. The girl that invited me to play with her then went somewhere else and I spent the visit with her brother.

My memories this afternoon have been rough, I won’t sugar coat them for you. But as much as I have cried and suffered today, I also won’t take you through the most graphic descriptions of my time in that appartement. But I do need to gently and as vaguely as possible describe my time there to help you understand. Hell sometimes I really want the things in my head to just go away, but the only way to do that is with death, and I am not ready for that yet.

OK I have to deal with it … Trigger warning about child abuse, physical and sexual…

Remember I was only three when I got there, and we did not move until what was the equivalent of government child services in that state charged my adoptive parents with abuse until I was finishing the 1st grade. So maybe 6years old?

OK I have delayed enough. So she would take me by the hand, help me up the steps to their apartment and then basically hand me over to her brother. I never felt apprehension about what was going to happen because he was always nice. He treated me far better than I got treated at home. Remember (maybe some don’t know) at this time I was being so badly abused in my home I had my hip dislocated and had to be taken to a doctor to have it reinserted back into the hip joint. But only after weeks of me not being able to walk correctly. Years later my doctors would attribute the bone troubles I have today to the abuse I suffered during childhood.

Wow even though I decided to write this my mouth is still dry and I am struggling to do it.

So let’s not dwell too much on the actual sex in the sexual abuse as I think you all know what part of him went into what parts of me. I really want to talk about my feelings, that is what is important. But sadly to do that I have to add one more detail. My memories always involve him using / setting up a wooden chair like a common kitchen chair in most homes including my own. When Ron bought them from a thrift store and I went to help him get them I nearly freaked out. He still doesn’t know.

Sorry a bit graphic. He was always gentle and nice with me, unlike what I got at home. He would undress me and then after playing with me for a while he would put me up on the chair and … you don’t need to know any more … I wish I could say I am angry at him or that I hate him, but compared to the abuse / pain I was being inflicted to at home I would have done anything he asked. And I did. I doubt people can understand what went through the mind of a 4 / 5 year old having someone touch them nicely.

He committed suicide, I remember people talking about it. People said it was because he was a Vietnam veteran. But no one thought to ask why his sister never came over to invite me to their home anymore. I never understood it all. But what I did know was while he was gentle the ones at home became more violent every day causing me to try to find more ways to hide.

Dogs that love gravy I have written this last part four times already. Look how can I have anger at someone who treaded me better than I was treated at home? But at the same time it was sexual abuse. I spent a lot of time today in the vortex. I have laundry to fold / finish, and I have not eaten since yesterday. I really just want to crawl into bed and make the world go away. But I must do what I can do.

Wow, I just realized that typing this out has my mind going other places freeing me from the threat of the vortex. Hugs

Yesterday … everything was going grand until yesterday …

Ron and James left Monday night for NC and then after a day + there they were going to NH. I am at home taking care of the inside / outside cats and keeping everything together. Tues and Wednesday were good days, pain under control, did my daily walk, got lots of posts done, got lots of comments done, figured I would finish up on Thursday. But Thursday decided I needed to not be so cocky about things. So I get up at 6 when my alarm went off to take my morning pain pills. I got up and fed / watered both inside and outside cats, made coffee, cleaned the cat box, did all the morning chores. Sat at the computer and started to catch up on blog stuff and news stories.

I went for my walk which I did really well doing it, I think. It is not the walk a lot of people would find taxing, but it is for me. It is helping my weight, it is helping my blood work, it is helping my heart rate, but it does increase my pain. So a trade off. I will take it.

Ron had tried to get everything I would need before he left including 4 pounds of hamburger. Not sure if he thought I would be throwing a party. But he forgot cat litter and can cat food. I might have stretched the cat food but as I needed litter I decided to go to the local Publix store about 2 miles down the street. I like the store, I am known there, and the people are very helpful. For example they ask if you need help to take out the groceries you bought, and they will even load it in the car, which I admit I have had to let them do a few times but they wont take a tip for doing it. If you ask where something is they will take you right to it, no just pointing or telling you, they stop what they are doing and find it for you. We also use the pharmacy there.

If you remember the day we were to vote I was doing so badly and so shaky I needed my walker. Ron had wanted to stop at this store and get our flu shot as he wanted it before he went north. But due to my condition even though I was willing he refused saying I was not doing welling enough. I decided since I was there now I would get my flu shot. I went to the pharmacy and the grand people there said Hello Scottie. They used to call me Mr. Miller but as I called them by their first names why shouldn’t they call me by mine. So I let them know it was OK. I asked about the flu shot and they got me started on the paperwork. I asked about the shingles shot Ron got, and yes I qualified for that also. So I got that one also. That is a two part set and I have to go back for the second shot on that one. They asked about Ron, told you we were known there, not sure if it is a good or bad thing, but we both get a lot of medications and he picks up my pain medications for me, so they must know he is my spouse for that anyway.

I got my shots and feeling quite proud of myself started picking up things I needed / wanted. I want to just get some cat litter and cans of fancy feast food for Odie. Ron gets the large size jug of litter, but I got two small ones. But then I saw something I needed some of the outside dishes that work so well for feeding the outside cats. They are shorted sided metal dishes with a rubber base. Then I figured I had better get a different body wash. For some reason all soaps / washes are causing my face to go red with it looking like I am a burn victim and it hurts. I cannot put any cream or anything on it. Got to see a dermatologist soon. Another doctor. For now I rinse the washcloth out as best I can and wash my face with cold water. Not fun but neither is this face burn.

Here are the pictures of my face yesterday, warning scary old man pictures.

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Long story short I had nearly $100 dollars of goods in the cart. Got home and brought the groceries in.

A couple of pictures of the cart.

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Then realized I had not eaten and I was hungry. When you are dieting you shouldn’t cook or eat when hungry. I made 2 pounds of taco meat for just my self. I ate five of them. Five large tacos. And drank a couple glasses of milk. I don’t normally drink milk due to the sugar content, but I was splurging like a kid.

The taco stuff I made, I am going to be eating this for a while. I don’t use cheese or sour cream like James and Ron do. I like lettuce, meat, and lots of red sauce. Also I add to the mix different seasonings while cooking to give it more flavor.

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I was over full, I was having the too much sugar and need to sleep effect, so after cleaning up the left overs I went to bed. I woke up well into the evening. Fed cats, did chores then went back to bed. No comments replied to and none of the 12 open tabs posted. Also it threw my medication schedules off.

I woke up at 4 AM and I was in serious pain. My right shoulder where I got the shots felt swollen. I tried to go back to sleep and it was not happening. I felt sore and crappy and Odie was on the bed wanting his breakfast. Figures. So I got up at five. First thing I did was a glass of water and pain pills. Then morning chores. Now writing this. Two hours later the pain pills are kicking in and I don’t feel too bad, wonder how I will feel after my walk. Oh yes I an going to keep walking even if I have to take my walker. Ron left it out in the family room for me. Also I should be able to reply to the comments today, which I am looking forward too. Hugs to all, Scottie

Morning disaster in Scottie’s world again.

This morning I got up at five, already awake for a while. I was in good shape, pain under control and eager to start comment replies. So I did the first chores of the morning, shut the alarm system off, clean the cat box and take it out to the pail, start the coffee, feed the inside cat, water inside cat, start the computers, feed the outside cats. I got my first cup of coffee and sat down at my desk ready to start.

I noticed that the graphics were not quite right on the video computer and so looked at the settings of the graphic cards control panel. A lot of the controls were gone, and I was unable to change over to the card. The system was running entirely on the onboard graphics, the one built into the motherboard. What the heck? So I looked at the onboard programs thinking that something had recently changed. I decided to unload and reload the graphics card, but that did not solve anything. I tried to uninstall the programs for the onboard graphics and that did not change the system to using the card. Using the task manager I could not only see the graphic processing unit (GPU) the system was using and I couldn’t get it to change to the card. I was frustrated. I had just bought the cards and I loved how they worked with my system. What could be the problem?

Still thinking it was a recent update from intel on their graphics program I dumped the hard drive of the video computer and started to install the programs. But after I installed the graphic card and the control panel I found the same problems. So I dumped it again, this time disabled the onboard graphics and installed the drives / control panel for the graphics cards. No change, and I notice that when I removed the onboard graphics from the system I couldn’t get the screen size correct for my screen and the resolution settings were locked out. I had never seen this. I shut of the monitors to see if that system would resize the monitor settings on the computer. Nope. So at 10:00 I decided to see if I could use a different output on the card in case the output I was using seemed to have a problem, since nothing else had worked. I slowly worked myself down on the floor because when James redid the system last week he put both computers and the backup batteries under the desk which has an almost full length from the desktop to the floor partition. As I looked up under the partitions I seen the problem right away and started to swear. I think I might have shouted. I had been working on this problem since five in the morning looking for the problem in the wrong place and was on the floor, a place I shouldn’t be.

Ron came running to see what was wrong. He knew I had a computer problem. James was still up getting ready to leave on their trip tonight. I told both of them I knew why the system wouldn’t use the card no matter what I did with the settings or programing, I knew why the onboard graphics had taken over the display system. The HDMI cable going to the monitor was plugged in to … not the graphics card outputs but instead to the onboard graphics output. James had not hooked the system up correctly. He sputtered then said “Well you did not tell me it was supposed to connect to the graphics card”. He had done that to both systems.

James helped me up, and he got down and changed the cable on both systems. On the computer still up and running I check and sure enough the system was returned to normal with the graphics card running the display system. Now it was past 10:30 and I still had a computer that I needed to dump again, and reinstall windows, reset all the settings in both the control panel and the windows settings, then install all the windows updates, all my programs, update them, and go through all the computer settings again. Then do the system security / privacy programs settings. Then lastly do the system cleanups and defrags. All because James did not understand what to use the graphic card outputs to allow the system to use the card for display.

Well now after 12:30, I am heading over to the comments, see you there. Hugs

I am sorry, I only got to day 6, but I must go to bed

Hello Everyone. I am sorry. I was 9 days behind in comments. I tried all day today to answer them. First thing I did when I sat at my desk I posted the most important of my news feed notifications. Then I started on comments and watched the morning news programs. I did not even take a nap today but kept trying to answer comments. Ron and I decided to order pizza for supper because he and James are leaving tomorrow on their trip. But after only two pieces of very good pizza, my dieting has shrunk my stomach, I am so tired I cannot stay awake. My eyes are closing and my thoughts cloudy. It is 7:24 PM. So I got to 6 days behind. I will pick up in the morning where I left off. I have taken my evening medications, set my pain meds up so when my alarm goes off waking me I can take them, and go back to sleep. Have a grand night everyone. Loves and hugs. Scottie

We went to vote today, and I am in serious pain

Yesterday Ron was not feeling well and went to take a nap all afternoon. I stepped up to help by making supper. I made videos of it that I will post later, someday. I took some grilled chicken Ron had seasoned and cooked on the grill and made a chicken chili out of it with my own mixture of seasoning. Everyone here loved it. But the effort was so painful I had to take extra medications and then went to bed with very little in my stomach. So long story short, we went for our walk this morning, something that all my doctors claim is helping my health / blood work, then got showered and went out to vote. *** yes we went to vote in the primary in our district in Florida.*** But there was a problem. After our walk my pain levels soared and my back gave out. I simply couldn’t stand more than a couple minutes. In the house I was using my canes. But I knew that I couldn’t stand for the length of time we had to do in the last time we went to vote, also I knew I couldn’t stand to mark the ballot. I was in so much pain Ron had to drive. So I did something I don’t like to do, I took my walker. Yes I hate to admit it, but I use a walker when the muscles in my back won’t support me or I cannot stand for any length of time.

Ron drove us to the voting place, which was unusual in that normally I drive, but my pain levels were too high for me to safely do so. Ron got out and brought my walker to me which really was not necessary I felt, I could walk to the trunk. Little did I know how soon my back would fail.

The difference between the lower income minority districts in Florida we used to go to early voting years ago and this new facility in a majority white area I have posted about before. I have told how I simply couldn’t stand in line and the obstructions to get mail in ballots it took to simply vote that year almost stopped Ron and I from being able to vote. But the difference between that to the early voting in our area now is stunning.

First plenty of parking and even if Ron had not found a handicap parking space right near the door, we still would have had lots of space to park. (Unlike the other place that had no parking that Ron had to drop me off and then go to park blocks away) Then as we walked up to the three set of entry doors a worker inside hit a switch that automatically opened the door for us seeing I was using my walker. After we entered, I thanked that person and without looking asked where I should go to vote. The signs and staff that were lined up should have given the hint. However, a staff member came forward and took Ron and I right to the voting room, but there was no line so if they had simply pointed, we would have found it. But the thing is my need for my walker triggered a lot of extra care. The worker took us to the door and a second worker took me right to the check in person only 20 feet across the room. She could have pointed but she walked with me there. There was no line at that time, and it was about 15 minutes after they opened. Then at the check-in I gave my information and had to sit on the seat of my walker, my back was so stressed I couldn’t stand even for that.

After I showed my driver’s license and signed the pad saying it was me, there was something new. The poll worker still had my driver’s license and asked me to mimic the signature on the license as best as I could on the pad with either my finger or the stylus. I never have been able to sign the tablet sign things either in the pharmacy or my doctor’s office that use them with my finger. It comes out squiggly lines. However the signature on my driver’s license is really good and readable. So she explained it and flipped the screen to me, I stood up and standing on shaky legs I tried to sign my name. I was a disaster, and I admit it. A bunch of hoops and loops with a few letters being readable. I apologized and said I would try again when this nice older white lady said without even turning the screen back to her that it was OK, the signatures matched. I thanked her.

After we left I asked Ron if he had the same thing and he said yes but that the poll worker did turn the screen around and look to verify his. So this is the perfect way to stop someone from voting that the poll worker from whatever party doesn’t want to vote. No matter what they do the signature won’t match! Remember the republican anti-democratic party wants to prevent any non-white republican voters from being able to vote and has put a lot of money into training poll workers how to block “those voters”.

The nice poll worker printed my ballot and gave me the ballot, added a cover for it, and a pen, and said “Thank you for voting”. I had already thanked her for being a poll worker as we need as many people willing to do the hard unpaid work of democracy as possible. I stood up and asked if there was a place for me to sit to vote? Normally there are several long tables for disabled voters to sit to do their ballot. The lady told me yes, go all the way to the back of the room. What the Fuck! But I started that way and as I got close another poll worker came up to me and took me to the TWO spots at a small table set aside for those that need to sit to vote in a retirement area of Florida with a senior population. A poorer senior population. The last time I voted there they had three long tables set up for people that needed to sit to fill out the ballot.

This poll worker directed me to the place and made sure I had what I needed to vote. She was also responsible for directing people to the four scanning machines for the ballots, telling them how to insert them, checking to make sure they were read, and then directing them to the door to drop off their ballot sleeve and pen. I think she / that position deserved at least another person to help her.

Ron had chosen the standing voting place as close to the place I was sitting so he could watch when I was done and move with me. We both had the voting list I had done up. Ron told me later he was really concerned because he noticed how shaky I was at the sign in and then going to the table and sitting down. He was not going to leave his voting spot until I got up.

I carefully filled out my ballot, struggled to my feet using my walker, and started to the line marked to turn in your ballot. Ron stepped up behind me. Again the poll worker that had taken me to the small sit down table stepped up and took me to a reader and explained how to insert it, making the others like Ron wait. Then as I did mine she told the other people of which there was only Ron and one other person what to do.

One last example of how different it is in this polling place. When you exit the room they have it set up that you leave a back door and walk around the side of the building back to the parking lot. The poll worker lady taking the sheeves and pens had already taken Ron’s and seeing he was helping me told him, move the strap rope barricading the hallway back to the front so he, meaning me, won’t have to try to walk around, which Ron thanked her and did. We walked out the short distance we came in rather than around the outside of the building.

So we voted in the Florida primaries. Ron thanked me for all the effort I made to vet the candidates, and I thanked him for taking me there and helping me through it. For two old farts who have been together going on 33 years we do OK. But I worry at the traps for those not old white people in voting in Florida. This year DeathSantis has made it even harder for minorities to vote while he and his party claim illegal voting is rampant. Not only has he with the force of government put a strangle hold on minority voting but with his new election police he has chilled any minority voting of those who are not sure they should vote. That should be checked at the polls as it was done for me. But now DeathSantis announces that his election police found 30 felons that voted that shouldn’t have and they will prosecute them. But remember after the 2020 election the state of Florida said there was no illegal voting they could find. What is the goal here? To prevent as much minority voting as possible! Why? Because minorities tend not to vote for the party that claims only white straight Christian cis males have all the rights. It is voter suppression taken to the next level.

OK Now for me and why I have not been online answering comments or posting. Yes when we got home, I sat at my desk and put both computers back online. So much news, so many things I felt I should post. I wanted to get right to it. But my pain levels had a different idea. I went to lay down. I have gotten up at various times during the day and tried to focus on the news and blogging, but the best I could do was to watch videos. I would watch some, go back and lay down. Repeat. Take pain medication. Repeat. I got up and watched a few videos, James made a great supper, and I am writing this post after taking even more pain medication. If I take too much longer to do this Ron may drag me out of my chair to the bedroom to lay down again and go to bed for the night. He got really upset seeing how shaky it was for me to stand at the voting place. He wouldn’t even stop at the local publix to get our flu shots but insisted on taking me home.

Ok going to proofread this and then go to bed as Ron is getting really insistent on it, and hopefully in the morning I can start on the 8 days of comments I have not replied to. Hugs and love to all. Scottie