So much I want to post and respond to. Yet my pain levels have been so high that Ron waited until really late and I still cannot eat. Even the thought of eating upsets me, and I am so full of pain medication I can hardly get my thoughts in order to type this good night.
So I am going to bed. I will reply to comments in the morning when I am fresh and can think. I will pick up on the seemingly endless tabs on my computer that need to be addressed or posted. They seem to grow there like viruses or something. Anyway everyone have a great night. Hugs
So for this week Ron has been trying to run a new exhaust fan in the hallway bathroom. When he built the bathroom, he added an extra switch for such a fan and ran the electrical wiring for it and placed it somewhere in the wall. Deactivated of course. He has not been able to remember where it was. So we went back and forth and I found a tool for finding wires in the walls this morning but he got a stubborn streak. Over the last two days he has torn all the ceiling down and insulation in our bathroom next to the wall that is next to the hallway bathroom hoping the wires would magically appear. And it did not. Now all this time I have been at my computers finding the device to find wires, but Ron has resisted going and getting it.
Then I had a thought, he has just insulated and put up the green board on our bathroom side of that wall. I suggested to him he install the exhaust fan in the wall between the bathrooms and run the flexible hose up to the vent to the roof inside the wall and that would let him work on the entire thing including putting in a new switch from our side of the wall. He thought for a minute, then looked at me and in all seriousness said, “Go back to your office I don’t want to talk to you right now”! Because he realized everything I said made sense. He would have had to tear down the entire ceiling in that bathroom which was grand looking, if he did not do as I suggested. He has gone off to Home Depot to buy everything needed to do just what I said. I asked him why he did not have the electrical parts already and his response was “I used them all, I need to buy more, why are you not in your office doing what you do, and by the way what do you want for lunch”! I think I have rubbed a sore spot. 😀😁😄😂😋😎😍 Hugs
Wow. I wrote that title 2 and 1/2 hours ago. *** I wrote this many hours ago, it is now 8 PM and I wrote it about 3:30 or 4 PM. I am going to bed now after a great meal Ron prepared. I will explain more tomorrow. Hugs **I thought it had posted as I rushed out the door. My anxiety and mental distress was ratcheting up fast. I had switched from news videos to music and from one generation to another almost frantic to distract my mind. Looking back I can see it was building since noon time at least.
Ron had gone for a nap and he had asked me to join him but I was unable to do so, feeling like I wanted to do something, anything but without an idea what I needed to do. I was getting ever more frantic and ever more unable to focus and concentrate on my blog or comments.
Thankfully I had not had a trigger to abuse yet or this would be a different post entirely.
So Ron got up and I accosted him right away. No, not that way, get your minds out of the fun zones. He got up and before he cleared the cobwebs I told him we needed to go out, we needed to go to home Depot or Lowes and look at the new … cabinets / shower or whatever. Up until now we had only just vaguely talked about changing our master bathroom to move the washer / dryer , sink vanity, and putting in a much larger shower. But it was the only thing that I could think of in my state. Ron thankfully recognized how bad I was and how I needed to get a change from where I was in my mind and immediately agreed to take us out to Home Depot.
I admit I was desperate and frantic to change my mind, to slow my roll, to handle what was happening in me. I had already taken more pain medications as that also can control that part of my mind.
Well the upshot was we went to Home Depot to look at … Not really sure now looking back but we talked about a bunch of stuff, kitchen tile counters, back splashes, new skylights, even new washers and dryers. Even as we were in the car with Ron driving (I normally drive when we go out together and clearly today that was not a good idea) I felt the pressure in my mind / body ease and walking around the store looking at different things while Ron explained how he could use them helped soothe all the anxieties I was having, well most of it.
But now Ron was on a creative roll and seeing that my crisis was ebbing he asked if we could go to Lowes. I said sure. He showed me shower bases of different sizes, enclosures, and then titles and other things. He got me really to understand his thinking. Since I was open to it, he wanted to redo our entire master bedroom bathroom / washer dryer set up. For those that don’t know Ron built it all, he took the very tiny toilet / mini shower, and vanity that was there and knocked a wall back to build a large bathroom with the washer dryer and new shower and other stuff. He did that because when we bought the place the washer / dryer was in the shed and I took a face first header out the kitchen door carrying the laundry basket. I got a bunch of scrapes and Ron got a lot angry. Needless to say the situation was quickly changed. But the new shower I picked out was a disaster from the start and we both have hated it. Ron has long wanted to build a tile shower but I was always afraid of leaks because of how much of the floor in this place we have had to replace due to water damage. But as he talked and showed me things I agreed.
So the finishing of this tale of my being so out of my mind is Ron took me to these stores and showed me what he could do and give me, and when we got home he had me come to the bedroom bathroom where he showed me with measuring how it could all be changed and …
Due to my having a near mental breakdown and jumping out of my skin, Ron is going to redo the entire bathroom / washer dryer area to give me the new front loading machines up on pedestals I want, a new 60 inch shower I guess he is going to tile (do you think that is because he wants a new tile cutting tool?) new toilet, and new vanity with a new medicine cabinet with lights. I am not sure which one of us had the most mental health cleansing moment. Truth is I was in a really bad place about to lose it, but now that I look at all I agreed too … he got permission to do a bunch of renovations he wanted to do for years. Oh well. In my defence tomorrow he says we can order pizza and I really want pizza.
Thank you to everyone. My heart rate is calm again, my mind is clear again, I do not feel endangered or so upset again. I don’t know how to explain it, but all is good im world, as good as can be. Loves and hugs to all.
So today I was feeling stronger than yesterday. I am reading news, watching news, posting, and replying to comments. Ron made a grand burritos in a red sauce that is grand. Everything going good. Then on Joe My God comes the story below. Normally I would have read it, but even the title was enough to shake the ground under my mind. I started to read the blurb before I even processed the content. I couldn’t continue, I started to get upset, I quickly closed the tab. I had to read the title a few more times when I tried to get to the stories on the rest of the site. But I tired not to even let it enter my mind. It took me back a day or two in my emotional recovery. I did not read the story, I am posting the link so you understand what I am talking about. This is the world we live in, it is in all the news. Today first thing on TYT the first story was about a 2 year old sheltered by his dying dad’s body in the 4th of July mass shooting attack. All of these stories of kids hurt and harmed are what is happening in our country and each one of them is important but right now very dangerous personally to me emotionally. So I am going to go look for Texas Paul videos to distract my mind again. Hugs
I goofed on the last post and hit publish before I realized instead of two different videos I postedd the same video twice. I have fixed that to show the orginal and the update. Thanks. Every now and again I get in too much a hurry and don’t proof well enough. Hugs
Hello Everyone. I know I left off yesterday in a really bad state and some of you may wonder how today is for me. I was up until 3:30 in the morning. I went to bed with Ron but couldn’t stay there. I was far too anxious and upset. So I stayed in my office watching videos and trying to distract myself. Ron came out to check on me twice. I got up at 7:30 AM and I couldn’t walk without support. My back feels very weak and like it won’t hold me up. I went back to bed for an hour to get my back under control. Because of all the extra medication I took yesterday my stomach is a bit off, not bad but for most of the morning I wondered if I would be able to eat. It seems to have settled down now. I am in a lot of pain today. So that is the physical side. The emotional side is raw. I feel raw, I feel stronger than yesterday but that is because I am avoiding triggers as best as I can. I am trying hard to avoid things that might call or activate the vortex. But it is hard to do with the news today. The story of the little 7 year old girl who had her medication taken away from her by the adults in her life came very close to pushing me to the edge again. By last night I was in a very bad state and I don’t want to go there today. So that is where I am at. My mental state is not stable, I am very close to the edge right now. I keep feeling like I want to cry some more / again. I am not sure what activity to do to keep strong and to avoid falling back into the bad places. I may just stop on the computers for today and play Xbox and Halo. Thanks everyone. Hugs
So much I want to to say, to write, to share, but I can not. Very late I just was able to eat my supper. I am so tired yes so anxious. I have so many videos I have seen today I want to post. Ron keeps telling to relax, to try to calm down, to go to bed. I don’t know if I can go to bed, but Ron says he will go to bed with me. So many more videos to post, yet they will be there in the morning. Damn I am scared, what will be in my dreams. No one understands, sometimes the dreams are good, and other times they are there, they come for me again and I can not stop them if I am asleep. Ron again is asking me to go to bed. He must know what he is asking. I have to I am so tired, and my eyes hurt. Good night, I hope for all of us. But I think I will get up in the morning as tired as I am now, and as worried. Hugs
Hello Everyone. I have not been able to face comments and using my reasoning part of my brain today after I read that story of the abused kids. But let me backtrack a few days.
My back has been really bad since Friday and I didn’t do anything to hurt it more, it is just gotten to a point where my medication is not covering the damage that keeps growing in my spine and the increasing muscle spasms. The steroid injections are / have worn off. I have been trying to walk (and Ron goes with me and then when I stop at home he keeps walking) in the morning around phase 1 of our development.
So far on days I can I have worked myself up to this route. We leave our home at 39 and walk to Jackson, then down to Geronimo to No Name, turn up Sam Houston, then down Jim Bowie back to No Name, going up to Church Drive, head back to Andrew Jackson to our home. Here is the entire park, which after making sure I am in the house Ron goes further into get his exercise. The map is not quite accurate as the church is directly behind our home.
I have better more detailed maps but this was the first one in my saved files that came up. So as I said Ron goes on after he makes sure I am in the house. So on Friday my back total went in to super bitch mode from normal bitch mode, and I was in extreme pain. My back has been really bad since I tried to carry those bags of soda three months ago. And so as the pain built higher and higher I needed more medication and my thinking got harder and harder. So I missed the comments.
Then I was wakened on Saturday morning by my Apple watch going off on my wrist crazy with a big red screen which had a heart on it saying my heart rate was dangerous at a sustained 133 and had been up and down all night. Ron said I had been upset in my sleep and rather active as I get when I am having a flashback nightmare.
So Saturday I felt like crap, Ron wouldn’t let me walk but we worked at getting my heart rate down which we did. But I was not feeling up to handling much. Sunday I was feeling better and during / after the Sunday News Shows I was answering comments and doing posts. Then came today where the vortex found me.
The Vortex. Some of the long time readers know what the vortex is for me and how scary it can be. The vortex is the thing that takes me to the void, the place my memories suck me into and take me that I struggle to leave, mostly losing for long period of time, sometimes weeks or more. It takes over my mind and body, I can not function, I cannot deal with life, I can not shut off my mind or the memories that are on a constant loop complete with all the feelings of pain / anger / despair & hopelessness / and deep frustrations. All the emotions and feelings that I felt when the bad stuff was happening to me as I relive it all over and over and over … The vortex in my mind is a huge tornado that catches me and tries to suck me in, I can feel / hear it coming and I am terrified of the place it will take me if it can …
Sorry had to take a break.
So with therapy and help I have learned to form in my mind handles to grab onto when the vortex starts to draw me in. Those handles can save me depending on how bad the shock / memories are in my mind. One of those handles was Randy. Back in 2014 when I started self harming again Randy my wonderful online brother who while working 12 hour shifts would watch my posts carefully for any signs of distress and either call me or take calls and talk to me for hours trying to fight off the vortex / memories. He lost a lot of sleep back in those years, but he kept me from a lot of new scars and possible suicide. I admire and love him far more than I can ever say.
That was when Ron set up the candle making stuff in my bedroom and I would stay in the bedroom for weeks make candles day and night. I never knew until later that Ron would box them up and store them because the doctor had told him to keep me focused on making the candles. Our bedroom has a bathroom and Ron would bring me stuff to eat and I just stayed in there making candles and sleeping. It was a dark time in my life, I was desperate to avoid / stop the memories.
So I have learned to develop handles to grab onto, to hold my mind / emotions from being sucked into the vortex. That is what I used today. Ron seen my distress after I read that article and he knew I was upset and struggling. So we went for our morning walk even though he was worried about my heart rate. James set my phone to contact his phone if my heart rate gets too crazy. After our walk I forced myself to stay busy which helps, I helped Ron with our 4th of July lunch which was typical hamburgers, hot dogs, and french fries. I even managed to eat well which is hard for me to do when the vortex takes me too far into the void. Then all day I immersed myself in videos and laundry. Ron asked me to lay down for a while with him as I was getting a bit manic and over wrought. I tried but it was a no go and making things worse for me so I got up.
Between loads of laundry I watched videos and read news sites while posting like there was a reward for the most posts. I had to do that to keep my mind focused on anything but the vortex and the kids I read about this morning. I watched, read, posted with all my mind, and when I went to deal with the laundry I kept my computer headphones on or my phone earbuds in. Ron understood. But by about 4 PM after even two early sets of medications my back gave out entirely. I could hardly walk yet still felt driven to move or I would jump out of my skin. So Ron seeing I was still agitated and getting worse tried to distract me, tried to keep my mind on computer stuff, even recommended I take one of the mood stabilizer meds I hate so much. I don’t react well on them, I have had several doctors try to put me on them. Now Valium is called Diazepam and it is one the doctors have tried to put me on and I refuse to let any doctor prescribe them to me. I disassociate while on them.
The problem is they make me slow down to where I can not function. Now as an adult everything moves too fast when I am on them. It is like I am in a deep fog, moving so slow like I am wading through chest high water, and everyone is talking too fast for me to understand or deal with. I hate it, I am like in super slow motion while the world seems on speed.
In my childhood I was put on heavy doses of Valium to keep me compliant with my abuse because the adoptive parents insisted and the doctors complied, no one looked into the medical history of abuse I had, the broken bones or other things. I would be given the first dose in the morning, go to school and after an hour or two I would either fall asleep at my desk or tell the teacher I needed to lay down. There was a cot setup behind the library shelves where I would go and sleep, at lunch time I would be wakened if still sleeping and taken to lunch then be given my pills by a teacher after eating, and after a hour or two I would go back to lay down behind the shelves. I spent most of my 2rd to 6th grade school years that way. I missed so much schooling. It was accepted but I still don’t know why. Only one person tried to get me to tell them what was going on at home and help me. He even befriend my adoptive parents to do as much for me as he could. But in those days a school employee did not have the authority they do now. On days the police picked me up to take me the ordered medical people I wouldn’t be given my pills so I would be awake and active, even hyperactive so they wouldn’t suspect abuse or blame the bruises on normal hyperactive child behavior. But my mind was still confused and even with what I could hazily remember I knew not to tell. Oh shit, Crap.
Sorry see I told you about the vortex, it sucks you in and keeps your mind and memories lock in the past, in the bad times. I only realized where I was in my mind and what I was writing when I got up to get another soda. Damn, it is insidious. I don’t want to think of those days, I don’t want to go back there, I did not want to write about it. Yet I did because that is where my mind is. Shit, I have to reread this to see where I was in my writing on what I wanted to say. The meds are starting to take effect and things are starting to move faster than I can deal / function with them.
So I have kept myself busy and as focused as possible, and another day has gone by without me answering the comments. Sorry I like the comments, but when I am as upset as I have been I just can not focus enough to reply to them, if I try to do them my mind wanders too much. But now with my mind slowing down I am going to try to get to some of the older ones.
Sorry to bring everyone down on a holiday weekend. I hope everyone has had a great 4th of July and remembers all the great things in their life. I wanted to tell everyone something else but I can not remember what it is. Hugs and loves. Scottie
Sorry but I just realized at least 2 hours have gone by since I wrote this and proofread it. I have been sitting here at my desk staring at my other monitor and it just went off. I have no idea what it was showing let me look. Oh it is something I want to post. I have to watch it again, I don’t remember much of it. Hugs
Hello Playtime viewers, thank you so much for being here. I want to tell you something that is going on with me and hope it helps you understand why sometimes lately it is more than my pain levels that is causing me to go to bed and why I am not able to quickly answer comments.
Right up front it seems my pancreas is not producing insulin at any real sufficient amount anymore. The pills I have taken for years do not really work anymore. This is not due to diet, but due to the fact that to help me be able to calm the back muscle spasms and to handle the damage to my spine I have to take heavy steroid injections. Oh yes if I could get out and weight lift and exercise, I would be so ripped.
At the risk of irritating those that worry I share too much about my own life let me tell you about my day and the blood sugar issue I endured.
I got up with Ron, we try to get up together, since there is no way we can go to bed together. Yes, it is silly but it means something to us, and we try to do it. We started our day. I am trying hard to restrict my caloric intake, I have a very sit on my ass lifestyle, I do not need a lot of calories. Plus groceries are expensive. Ron likes to push food on me, because he is a loving spouse.
Fast forward to lunch, he had breakfast, I did not. I took my blood sugar and it was low so the insulin required was only 4 units. He made me a salad which I try to have at least once a day often twice, my salad is lettuce, mushrooms, carrot shavings, crotons, and if we have them hardboiled egg white parts. (side note if I get hungry for breakfast I try to have three or four hard boiled eggs with nothing else, this diet has reduced my waist and belly size amazingly) he made me one roast beef with white cheddar cheese & mustard sandwich. Don’t worry, this will become more important in a few minutes. I promise. So after I ate that I was still hungry so Ron made me another sandwich. Then craving salt, I had the last few crumbs of Lays chips we had in the house (we decided not to have them as Ron is the same with chips that I am with sweets, if they are in the house we will eat them no matter how bad for us so now we don’t have them in the house)
We both went for a nap, we both get tired after eating and normally take a nap in the early afternoon. I think it is more an excuse to lay down with each other than sleep but we do it most days. But I couldn’t sleep. So I got up, but as I got hotter and hotter, my thoughts got more confused. When Ron got up I complained to him how hot I was and that I was struggling to think. He knew something was wrong and told me it was not that hot in the house. He had me take my blood sugar and yes it was very high. This was hours after lunch. He had me take more insulin to cover it. I was up in the 400 territory. I took the insulin he told me and within ten minutes I felt better and could think more clearly. It seems my pancreas is not producing insulin even with my pill medication. My endocrinologist was worried about this because of the steroids I need. He tells me that pills wont lower blood sugar if you are taking steroids. That is why he put me on insulin along with my pills. It seems that as the steroids increase the pills have less effect. I think I will soon have to go on a regiment of insulin that at I worry is going to be very expensive. So that is my day. Earlier I was foggy in my thinking, now at 6 PM I feel clear headed. Ron has so much mental degradation in his family he is terrified of it, and I admit when my thoughts get foggy due to blood sugar it is scary for me. One of the things I love most is my ability to reason, but when my blood sugar is out of whack it is like walking through waist high water and trying to run. You cannot do it well. Any way I just wanted to keep you grand viewers what is going on with me. Hugs
Hello all great people. It is 2 PM and I am finally getting to sit at the computer and share my thoughts and answer comments. Let me start by saying to ended up having to go to bed really early yesterday afternoon and stayed there until 7 this morning. So little got done yesterday.
This morning after coffee and doing some online bill paying, we decided to go to a local store and get me new sneakers. I have not had new ones in 3 or four 4 years and the sole on one of them was separating from the rest of the shoe like they were of two different political parties. So we went, I found a pair of shoes I like, was stunned at the price of nearly $100 dollars and Ron found a new shirt he liked that was sunscreen rated. Then on the way home we stopped at one of the local grocery stores so Ron could go in and get a few things. As I sat in the car, I noticed a man in a wheelchair pushing his cart up to his car. I had not noticed him before so have no idea of how long it took him or how hard the struggle but I can image it was a very hard thing trying to move your chair while pushing a full sized shopping cart. I watched him sit in his chair and reach over the top of the cart as far as he could, remove an item or small bag and turn sideways to put it in his trunk.
I watched 5 people going in each direction just walk by this man. I was stunned. These people seemed in no hurry, the ones going in had no reason not to stop or help, but they ignored him. As I started to get out of my car I noticed a car pull in next to him and a young man get out, so I thought surely a young guy will help but instead he took a nearby cart which he gave to an older man who got out of the passenger seat. They started to walk by the man in the wheelchair. I figure sure the young guy would offer to help but he never even glanced at the disabled man. I was furious.
So I got out of my car, grabbed my cane and walked over to ask the man if he would like some help. He beamed at me. He told me no one offers to help. They just walk by. He had only one leg. After we were done he thanked me and not thinking I walked back to my car. I sat down rather happy with myself and angry at other people, as I watched the man roll over to the driver’s door, open it, roll back to passenger door and open it. I thought maybe he forgot something. Then using the car door and the roof of the car he stood up, and with one hand he pushed the chair up against his leg and folded it. Then I realized what I forgot. He still had to get into the car. Shit. I watched him pick up the folded chair and push it in the back seat, then close the door and hop on one leg to the front door and ease down in the car. I never thought to ask him if he needed more help. I just took his thanks and left thinking job done. I should know better as a disabled person myself.
I am lucky I have both Ron and James to help me and we all take care of each other. I often offer to help people in stores riding the scooters get stuff, but I never asked how do they get the scooter before they enter the store? Only one local store has baggers that offer to take everyone’s cart or accompany people using scooters to their cars, all for free. I admit I watch abled bodied people take advantage with mixed feelings; I only take them up on it when I really am struggling. They refuse any tip, it is part of the service the store offers, they take the cart out and load the groceries in your car for you, rain or shine. It is Publix and I love the store. Unfortunately, they tend to have higher prices. Ron uses Publix, Winne Dixie, and Walmart. Sometimes if he gets a sale catalog, he goes to places like Save a Lot or Aldis. Ron watches the prices at each store and gets the best buys he can and so he doesn’t use Publix as much as I do as he complains about their prices. Still you cannot argue that cheerful people offering to help you with your groceries when you struggle to walk, it is a great service.
We really need to find a way to get people to see each other and have empathy again. I don’t know how to do it. But I watched able people of all ages walk right by the man in a wheelchair and not even look at him. It made me angry then, now it breaks my heart. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 