I managed to get most of it outside the car

I am not having a good morning at all. Thank dogs that love gravy for Ron. I had to go have my blood drawn and pee in a cup for my labs the doctor wants for my appointments Monday and Tuesday. My plan was to get up about 6 or 6:30, drink some water and go to the hospital outpatient lab.

My pain levels were so bad by 4:30 I couldn’t stay in bed. So I got up. I had a long time to wait so I had a cup of black coffee, no sweetener. And a big glass of water. I took my morning pills. Had a second coffee and large glass of water. I had to pee but that was OK as I had to wait a couple hours before the lab opened so I would need to pee again anyway.

For a while now I have been getting nauseous some mornings. I have developed a very bad habit years ago of taking all my morning pills all at the same time along with my morning pain pills. Some of them call for taking with food but I have ignored that for years. Now with my dieting I am doing it more often, taking them with no food. That is now upsetting my stomach some mornings.

So one last factor of my bad morning. Next to the hospital is a school. Both younger and even younger kids. In the morning the line of parents trying to get into the school parking lot to drop off kids stretches from the main road in front of the school for blocks blocking the far right lane for at least two stop lights. This is a three lane road. It used to be you could stay in the middle lane and after the entrance to the school move into the far right lane to get to the hospital entrance which is a block further down the same main road. The entrance to hospital is off the side road between the school and the hospital and now they have opened the school parking lot to drop off kids on that road as well. I did not know this. I was in the middle lane which was stop and go and wondered why that was happening and seen the far right lane blocked with traffic all the way to the side road entrance and then further into the school parking lot as cars waited to drop kids, move one car forward, wait to drop, move one car forward. Lucky the side road is two lanes so once on the side road you can get around the line of cars going into the school. The problem is you must be in that far right lane to make that turn onto the side road. Below is a snip of the area I am talking about. The blue line is the far right lane before the school and the turn into the side road, then the hospital. The line of cars to get into the school started further than I could show on the map. I was luck to be able to get over into the far right lane right after the middle large entrance to the school, but again the line of stopped cars waiting to drop off their children went along the blue line which was my route.

cape coral hospital

From there my morning got a lot worse. It took me nearly 30 minutes to go that short distance as cars would drop kids off, then everyone in line moved up one car, and repeat. Of course these are younger kids so they don’t get themselves gathered up and out of the cars quickly. The entire time I was getting sicker and sicker, waves of nausea washing over me. Every time I moved the car a bit then stopped I was in danger of vomiting. I just hoped I could get to the hospital parking lot in time.

I got to the side road and moved out of the line of cars and moved in to the left lane to turn into the hospital and was in real destress, I was going to vomit. I drove into the parking lot, and as fast as I could I pulled into a space and put the car in park, reached to open the door … and as the door was opening I vomited hard. While I was able to direct most of it downward to the road the door was not widely open and so I got vomit on the door, the floor door sill, my cane that rests there next to the door, my hand, grossly some on my long hair. I had to back the car up to be able to step out. As I got out of the car I managed to move around the door trying to get to the grass next to the sidewalk in front of the car. I did not get there. By the first step I was again vomiting. Lucky no one was walking on the sidewalk or I would have gotten them also. I went to the hatch and got a towel Ron leaves there and using one of the bottles of water rinsed my hand and dried it. I wiped my hair. Wiped my cane. Lucky my shirt was spared and the hospital still uses masks so my face would be covered. Then started to wipe down the door and other spots. The bending down triggered the need to vomit again and I stepped out of the car and soaked the area between my car and the one next to it. Whoever parks in either spot and has to get out on that side of the car is going to hate / curse me.

But never fear my day was not over with being shitty. Just inside the entrance to the hospital is a set of bathrooms. They are single person use so I waited until the men’s was free. That is where the shitty part comes in. A man exited the bathroom and I entered, and the smell hit me. Good thing that fellow was in a hospital because something vital was dying inside him. But I washed up as best I could include my cane and handle, while trying not to breathe. I made sure I was as vomit free as possible and went to the lab check in. When my turn came I went into the blood draw area, sat down where directed and chatted with the lab person as they got ready to take my blood. She prepped my right arm, she stuck the needle in, filled the first of five vials, replaced it with the second one. At this point the blood stopped flowing. She tried to wiggle the needle, moved it around, twisted it a bit, and if you think I was happy you would be incorrect. She slowly removed the needle in hope the blood would again flow. She then tried the other arm. I don’t know if the first try had made her nervous, but the second try hurt going in and was painful the entire time she was filling the vials.

Now here is where I start thanking dogs that love gravy for Ron. On the way home I called him and explained what happened. He met me when I parked the car, he took all the stuff I had with me into the house and as I was getting out of the car returned with a small wash bucket and cloths. I went to take them and he refused saying I should go in and rest while he would take care of it all. He washed the insides of the car and got them all cleaned up, brought in the yucky towel and other stuff I got vomit on, put a new towel in the car. Then after he got done he came in and got me a little food to settle my stomach. And that was my morning. Oh and the blood work coming back in seems good, the A1C is 6.6 down from 7.4 and all the results in so far look better than the results from last time. Have a great day, I am going to go lay down. Hugs

South Florida LGBT teen jumped for second time

This video is horrible and hard to watch. This kid is given a vicious beating because he is trans according to his grandmother. Notice the police and school have done nothing to help this teen and now with the don’t say gay laws no teacher can support him. This is what the republican’s in office and the right wing maga thugs want with the don’t say gay bills. This is the result of demonizing trans people to claim they are assaulting people in bathrooms, suggesting they are doing perverted stuff in locker rooms, and removing support for LGBTQ+ kids along with anti-discrimination messages that might help teach tolerance and acceptance. This is what the legislator that wrote the Florida don’t say gay bill admitted he wanted to have happen. He wanted LGBTQ+ kids targeted for abuse and harm. Well he is getting his way. With more abuse comes more suicide.

To those who say that kids are transitioning on whims and doing so because it is a fad or perceived as the cool thing to do need to see the reality of this video. This is the reality far too many gay, lesbian, and trans kids face. Far too many LGBTQ+ face these threats of hate and violence in their daily lives made worse by the actions of DeathSantis and his anti-LGBTQ+ maga thugs. When religious leaders scream that LGBTQ+ people should be killed, this is the result. Some of these LGBTQ+ face this at home which is why they are not out at home, but now republican laws force teachers to out them to their parents. Kids are not willing to transition and face this, living every day with the hassles of trying to find a bathroom, trying to make it through the day without support, suffering abuse and the danger of being beaten up unless they truly are of a different gender than they were assigned at birth.

We are working so hard to remove this hate from society and the LGBTQ+ communities were gaining such deserved acceptance in society. Schools had programs to teach tolerance, to show other kids there was nothing wrong with the LGBTQ+ kids, to establish acceptance. To teach that diversity was a good thing. Now in Florida married same sex couples cannot put up pictures of their spouses like straight couples and must hide from the kids their marriages / sexual orientation. These red states / republicans / right wing thugs are trying to create a country where only straight white Christians are accepted and have assumed authority / privileges. Everyone else must hide who they are and be silent. 50 years of work, decades of changing the perceptions in schools and the minds of the people, creating safer schools and workplaces, all destroyed in red states due to a small minority of violent thugs, the republican brownshirts, who won’t tolerate anyone different from them because they have the state authority’s permission to force other to live as these gang thugs’ demand. The power / authority of the state is supporting and energizing these thugs. If you vote republican this is the country you want. If you vote republican this is the way you want the LGBTQ+ to be treated, along with women being second class citizens whose duty is to be an incubator for a male’s offspring. Shame on you all for voting republican! This is personal. I lived through these beatings and worse. I lived through the fears in schools, I lived with the mistreatment at home, and the discrimination in all aspects of adult life for being gay. It was getting better until now. We were moving away from this stuff being acceptable. Now it is back. What next? Will black kids be the next targets of these laws, to make them the targets of more abuse? Will LGBTQ+ adults not be able to rent, buy in some neighborhoods? Will gays / lesbians get married on Sunday and be fired from work for being in a same sex marriage on Monday? Hugs

What a rough week for Scottie

Hello all great and wonderful people on the innerwebs. I am having a week that seems like a month of bad news. Let’s take everyone back to Monday. Monday Ron and I did our early morning walk as we try to do before it gets too hot in Florida, even though by the time we get to it these days it is well into the high 80’s and headed into the 90s. Been even higher this year than other Florida summers. We do our morning walk together. We have done this over the years off and on when we had time in the mornings together for over 32 years. We really value our time together.

In the past decades we used to just take drives together our head out in the morning and go somewhere and have breakfast and then just drive to some place we never had been, have lunch, look around and then go home to have supper on the way home.

About our morning walks. We started out riding bikes and progressed through me riding a scooter when I was in a wheelchair to me using a walker to now, when I can walk short distances with a cane. We start out together and end up back at home, Ron sees me safely inside and then goes on for an extended walk at least as long as the one we did together. We have been trying to increase my distance. But as most of you know my spine is destroyed and my back muscles are in flex / spasm constantly to lessor or greater degrees. The muscles in my back have been out of control for the last 5 months since I twisted my back trying to carry a shopping bag of soda into the house.

So what is happening is every morning when we walk my back muscles start going crazy from the work out their receiving from my walking. Well by early afternoon I can hurt so bad I cannot sit in my computer chair even with my medications, so I go lay down. I get up late in the day and try to work on the blog, and because I am taking extra medications I get so sleepy I go to bed early.

Tuesday morning I got up at about 5:30 AM, and after feeding the inside and outside cats, making coffee, and starting the computers the router did it’s 6 AM reset. For some reason I have not figured out, this new router needs to be restarted regularly and the settings allow you to set the time for it to do it. We all decided 6 AM was the time to have it done.

The router reset just as I was bringing both computers online, and then everything I tried to do was sluggish and I had no access to the internet. I reset the router. Still no internet. Restarted the computers, no internet. Restarted the modem. Still no internet on the computers, restarted both the router and the modem, and both computers, still no internet. The home alarm system had no internet and was running on cellular back up. But I missed that clue at the time. I used my phone to check the internet provide and there was no outage. So as everyone else was still sleeping I figured it was a great time to dump and rest / reinstall both computers my computers as I had not done it in a while, and I try to do it about every three months.

Ron came out of the bedroom at 8:30 AM and informed me he had no internet on any of his devices. I tried his living room / kitchen TV. No internet. I now realized it was in the router. So I tried to access it and finally with my phone got in and couldn’t find a way to fix the issue with that. I got one computer up and accessed the router admin system and still with the advanced settings couldn’t see a problem or reason it wouldn’t connect to the innerwebs. I gave up and used the pin hole insert to reset the router and when it came up set up the router again. Still no internet. I was frustrated as I have been working on this with different devices for about four hours. I was just about to get out the old router when I remembered sometimes routers when first setup won’t accept the incoming data link of the modem. They need the modem to be reset to do the handshake that locks them together. I restarted the modem, and the internet came back on.

Great, I checked all the household devices and they all had internet again, James checked his and they had internet. Now there were just two that were down, my computers. So I started the work of re-dumping them and cleaning the drives and then the hours long task of updating and reinstalling all my programs. Then Ron and I went for our walk. When I got back, I got the secondary video computer well on the way to being fully updated but my back started hurting so bad I couldn’t sit in my chair. So I went to lay down. I got up about three hours later and started on the computers again. The secondary computer was going well, but the blogging computer was not doing well at all. I got hours into it and had to stop. I have two nearly identical 34-inch 4K monitors from the same manufacture. With the picture settings the same the main blogging computer on the third window update followed by the driver update for the new video card the screen would darken with the white looking gray / blue as if you were looking at the screen through a filter that made it darker and less bright. Thinking it was an error on my part I dumped the computer again and started over. Nearly half a day wasted. But that night before going to bed the same thing happened. I asked Ron if he had seen the same thing I did, and he agreed.

This morning I got up and after feeding both the inside cat and the outside ones, making coffee, starting my computers, I dumped the main one again, returning it factory specs. By this morning the video computer only needed the strong security / cleaning programs I run. Then when Ron got up and had a cup of coffee we went for our walk. When I got home I finished doing the installations / updates on the video computer. Other than the tweaks it was done. But before I could do more than the second big windows 10 updates my back was screaming so bad, I had to go to bed. When I got up 3 or more hours later, I started in on the main blogging computer. I got it to the point where I could install the right graphics card driver. I got it in, and I was not happy with the way the white displayed but I went into the monitor settings I took the brightness up 25%. I took it from 50% to 75%. I tweaked a few other settings in the display. I don’t like to do it that way as you can overdrive the monitor systems and cause the monitors to burn out / stop working sooner. But it worked, and I got the white back to being bright white. That tells me that as everything else is the same the main monitor is either failing at a faster rate than the blogging one or there is something in the hardware that makes it so much different than the other one despite they are the same make and model. I could have done that the first time, but I had to make sure I had not made a mistake. So for the next few hours I watched videos and posted some on the video computer, and worked to get all the updates and security programs installed in the blogging computer. I can say now at 6 PM (7 PM by the time I post this) on Thursday everything is set other than running the defrags and a few small tweaking programs. So I am back. There was a lot of things I seen online I would love to post, but I will spend the next few days replying to comments until I catch up. Just remember I have my morning walk and then have to rest when my back gets too bad. Loves and hugs to everyone, I have missed you. Scottie

Going to bed

So much I want to post and respond to. Yet my pain levels have been so high that Ron waited until really late and I still cannot eat. Even the thought of eating upsets me, and I am so full of pain medication I can hardly get my thoughts in order to type this good night.

So I am going to bed. I will reply to comments in the morning when I am fresh and can think. I will pick up on the seemingly endless tabs on my computer that need to be addressed or posted. They seem to grow there like viruses or something. Anyway everyone have a great night. Hugs

Ron is not happy with me.

So for this week Ron has been trying to run a new exhaust fan in the hallway bathroom. When he built the bathroom, he added an extra switch for such a fan and ran the electrical wiring for it and placed it somewhere in the wall. Deactivated of course. He has not been able to remember where it was. So we went back and forth and I found a tool for finding wires in the walls this morning but he got a stubborn streak. Over the last two days he has torn all the ceiling down and insulation in our bathroom next to the wall that is next to the hallway bathroom hoping the wires would magically appear. And it did not. Now all this time I have been at my computers finding the device to find wires, but Ron has resisted going and getting it.

Then I had a thought, he has just insulated and put up the green board on our bathroom side of that wall. I suggested to him he install the exhaust fan in the wall between the bathrooms and run the flexible hose up to the vent to the roof inside the wall and that would let him work on the entire thing including putting in a new switch from our side of the wall. He thought for a minute, then looked at me and in all seriousness said, “Go back to your office I don’t want to talk to you right now”! Because he realized everything I said made sense. He would have had to tear down the entire ceiling in that bathroom which was grand looking, if he did not do as I suggested. He has gone off to Home Depot to buy everything needed to do just what I said. I asked him why he did not have the electrical parts already and his response was “I used them all, I need to buy more, why are you not in your office doing what you do, and by the way what do you want for lunch”! I think I have rubbed a sore spot. 😀😁😄😂😋😎😍 Hugs

Having a melt down, Ron taking me out. More later

Wow. I wrote that title 2 and 1/2 hours ago. *** I wrote this many hours ago, it is now 8 PM and I wrote it about 3:30 or 4 PM. I am going to bed now after a great meal Ron prepared. I will explain more tomorrow. Hugs ** I thought it had posted as I rushed out the door. My anxiety and mental distress was ratcheting up fast. I had switched from news videos to music and from one generation to another almost frantic to distract my mind. Looking back I can see it was building since noon time at least.

Ron had gone for a nap and he had asked me to join him but I was unable to do so, feeling like I wanted to do something, anything but without an idea what I needed to do. I was getting ever more frantic and ever more unable to focus and concentrate on my blog or comments.

Thankfully I had not had a trigger to abuse yet or this would be a different post entirely.

So Ron got up and I accosted him right away. No, not that way, get your minds out of the fun zones. He got up and before he cleared the cobwebs I told him we needed to go out, we needed to go to home Depot or Lowes and look at the new … cabinets / shower or whatever. Up until now we had only just vaguely talked about changing our master bathroom to move the washer / dryer , sink vanity, and putting in a much larger shower. But it was the only thing that I could think of in my state. Ron thankfully recognized how bad I was and how I needed to get a change from where I was in my mind and immediately agreed to take us out to Home Depot.

I admit I was desperate and frantic to change my mind, to slow my roll, to handle what was happening in me. I had already taken more pain medications as that also can control that part of my mind.

Well the upshot was we went to Home Depot to look at … Not really sure now looking back but we talked about a bunch of stuff, kitchen tile counters, back splashes, new skylights, even new washers and dryers. Even as we were in the car with Ron driving (I normally drive when we go out together and clearly today that was not a good idea) I felt the pressure in my mind / body ease and walking around the store looking at different things while Ron explained how he could use them helped soothe all the anxieties I was having, well most of it.

But now Ron was on a creative roll and seeing that my crisis was ebbing he asked if we could go to Lowes. I said sure. He showed me shower bases of different sizes, enclosures, and then titles and other things. He got me really to understand his thinking. Since I was open to it, he wanted to redo our entire master bedroom bathroom / washer dryer set up. For those that don’t know Ron built it all, he took the very tiny toilet / mini shower, and vanity that was there and knocked a wall back to build a large bathroom with the washer dryer and new shower and other stuff. He did that because when we bought the place the washer / dryer was in the shed and I took a face first header out the kitchen door carrying the laundry basket. I got a bunch of scrapes and Ron got a lot angry. Needless to say the situation was quickly changed. But the new shower I picked out was a disaster from the start and we both have hated it. Ron has long wanted to build a tile shower but I was always afraid of leaks because of how much of the floor in this place we have had to replace due to water damage. But as he talked and showed me things I agreed.

So the finishing of this tale of my being so out of my mind is Ron took me to these stores and showed me what he could do and give me, and when we got home he had me come to the bedroom bathroom where he showed me with measuring how it could all be changed and …

Due to my having a near mental breakdown and jumping out of my skin, Ron is going to redo the entire bathroom / washer dryer area to give me the new front loading machines up on pedestals I want, a new 60 inch shower I guess he is going to tile (do you think that is because he wants a new tile cutting tool?) new toilet, and new vanity with a new medicine cabinet with lights. I am not sure which one of us had the most mental health cleansing moment. Truth is I was in a really bad place about to lose it, but now that I look at all I agreed too … he got permission to do a bunch of renovations he wanted to do for years. Oh well. In my defence tomorrow he says we can order pizza and I really want pizza.

Thank you to everyone. My heart rate is calm again, my mind is clear again, I do not feel endangered or so upset again. I don’t know how to explain it, but all is good im world, as good as can be. Loves and hugs to all.

See how hard it is for me to get into a safe mind space

So today I was feeling stronger than yesterday. I am reading news, watching news, posting, and replying to comments. Ron made a grand burritos in a red sauce that is grand. Everything going good. Then on Joe My God comes the story below. Normally I would have read it, but even the title was enough to shake the ground under my mind. I started to read the blurb before I even processed the content. I couldn’t continue, I started to get upset, I quickly closed the tab. I had to read the title a few more times when I tried to get to the stories on the rest of the site. But I tired not to even let it enter my mind. It took me back a day or two in my emotional recovery. I did not read the story, I am posting the link so you understand what I am talking about. This is the world we live in, it is in all the news. Today first thing on TYT the first story was about a 2 year old sheltered by his dying dad’s body in the 4th of July mass shooting attack. All of these stories of kids hurt and harmed are what is happening in our country and each one of them is important but right now very dangerous personally to me emotionally. So I am going to go look for Texas Paul videos to distract my mind again. Hugs

Pastor Convicted Of Raping His Grandchildren Awarded $2 Million For Beatings By Guards At NY’s Attica Prison

On the last post.

I goofed on the last post and hit publish before I realized instead of two different videos I postedd the same video twice. I have fixed that to show the orginal and the update. Thanks. Every now and again I get in too much a hurry and don’t proof well enough. Hugs

A short update on my emotional state

Hello Everyone. I know I left off yesterday in a really bad state and some of you may wonder how today is for me. I was up until 3:30 in the morning. I went to bed with Ron but couldn’t stay there. I was far too anxious and upset. So I stayed in my office watching videos and trying to distract myself. Ron came out to check on me twice. I got up at 7:30 AM and I couldn’t walk without support. My back feels very weak and like it won’t hold me up. I went back to bed for an hour to get my back under control. Because of all the extra medication I took yesterday my stomach is a bit off, not bad but for most of the morning I wondered if I would be able to eat. It seems to have settled down now. I am in a lot of pain today. So that is the physical side. The emotional side is raw. I feel raw, I feel stronger than yesterday but that is because I am avoiding triggers as best as I can. I am trying hard to avoid things that might call or activate the vortex. But it is hard to do with the news today. The story of the little 7 year old girl who had her medication taken away from her by the adults in her life came very close to pushing me to the edge again. By last night I was in a very bad state and I don’t want to go there today. So that is where I am at. My mental state is not stable, I am very close to the edge right now. I keep feeling like I want to cry some more / again. I am not sure what activity to do to keep strong and to avoid falling back into the bad places. I may just stop on the computers for today and play Xbox and Halo. Thanks everyone. Hugs

I can not do it, sorry.

So much I want to to say, to write, to share, but I can not. Very late I just was able to eat my supper. I am so tired yes so anxious. I have so many videos I have seen today I want to post. Ron keeps telling to relax, to try to calm down, to go to bed. I don’t know if I can go to bed, but Ron says he will go to bed with me. So many more videos to post, yet they will be there in the morning. Damn I am scared, what will be in my dreams. No one understands, sometimes the dreams are good, and other times they are there, they come for me again and I can not stop them if I am asleep. Ron again is asking me to go to bed. He must know what he is asking. I have to I am so tired, and my eyes hurt. Good night, I hope for all of us. But I think I will get up in the morning as tired as I am now, and as worried. Hugs