Trigger Warnings. My feelings about Christmas what happened to me as a child.

Hello everyone.  This is a hard post but one I feel I must make for my own continued healing and to explain why this season hits me so hard.  Before I get to the abuse let me tell everyone that yesterday taking things out of the car I was standing sideways with my knee pressed hard against the seat of the car as I reached across needing just an inch or two to grab the package … and as I strained to grab the parcel my knee snapped, I heard a grinding sound and fell to the ground.  I fell to the ground seeing stars.  

Ron rushed to me as soon as he saw me on the ground, we got me into my room and realized that my knee cap had been pushed into the cartilage beneath the cap.  What ever happened to my knee caused me agony and lost me the ability to stand or use my leg.  The pain made moving my leg in any way mind-blowing excoriating pain.  Remember I take two kinds of morphine and other pain relievers.  Ron got my walker from the bedroom but even using that was not able to help me move around.  I went to bed.   During the night I was OK if I did not move.  The longer I stayed still the more the knee healed and the few times I had to get up to pee, well I had the walker and now understood how to hold my leg.  The more it healed, the better it got.  So this morning I was able to get up, and using the walker make my way to the kitchen and make my coffee.   Then on to the Pink Palace to start my day.  

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Now to the reason for my post.  I seriously warn for abuse trigger warnings.   Please.  The reason for this post, I am going to post something I wrote to a fellow survivor about why I get so withdrawn during this time.  I appreciate his care and concern, plus I want you to know that it was Randy my grand real brother who talked to me this morning and made it possible for me to deal with posting this time in my life.  I won’t include what he replied when I showed him the stuff I wanted to post but I assure you he was a comfort unparalleled in giving me the strength to do this.  When I look to the past, what happened in late 2013 and in 2014 forward I wonder if I would be here if not for the unflagging love and care of my grand brother Randy.

Below is what I wrote to a fellow survivor who was worried about me.  

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Christmas always brings depression and a desire to hide or withdraw from life for me.  Short story … it provided more time for abusers to use me and more of them around.  During the weeks leading up to Christmas day as presents were placed under the tree which I knew better than go near the hell spawn would mess with their presents to figure out what they were, then when it was discovered I was of coursed blamed and punished for it in front of everyone.   
 
But the worst was Christmas day, and despite what I knew had happened in the past and would happen that day I would get excited thinking of the gifts.  After the nighttime / early morning rapes / giving oral to both males and females, I would be told where to sit.  One of the hell spawns would pass the gifts out, one at a time.  When it was my turn I would carefully unwrap the present even though I was being told to speed up, then give the required thanks to the person it was from, then place it on the floor next to me.  
 
After all the gifts had been unwrapped while the adults gathered their gifts to stash in their room, the hell spawn gathered around me where I still sat.  They took what they wanted of what I was “given”, most of which would have been bought knowing they would be the ones to get it.  I was left with the clothing, socks, shirts, a pair of pants or two.   One Christmas I got a coloring book that they let me keep but they took the crayons.   I would take my gifts to my hallway mat until I was nearly 8 and got a bed of my own in the male hell spawns room as we moved and there was no longer a hallway for me to be made sleep in.  I knew better than to complain or make a fuss, it was just the way things were, my place there, my life.  To cry or complain would get me a public punishment and then a private worse punishment for ruining their Christmas.  The private one would be very humiliatingly to insure it stuck with me.  I learned not to complain, just shut down.  
 
Anyway you asked if I have gotten any help.  No.  Two of my doctors want me to get a therapist, along with a neurologist, and several other specialists for different symptoms I have.   I do not have the income for all the doctors, tests, and scans these doctors claim I need.  Maybe this year.   I get through Christmastime by withdrawing and shutting down, kept sane only by my husband and my best friend, and the little internet communications I feel well enough to doing.  Mostly during this time I watch videos, movies, not really seeing the screen, not even remembering what I watched, just existing for one more minute, one more hour, one more day.   
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Grand for me this year I got a true real Christmas gift.  One with no costs of my body for exchange as in my childhood if I wanted something.  When at my youngest even food came with me providing sexual favors.  

Yes this year I got a Christmas gift with no strings attached.  Yes Ron gives me those but this one was special.  My brother Randy gave me money to spend on me, not on the house, not on others, but just on me.   I have been working for years with a broken keyboard which the backlighting has given out, and my mouse now takes many clicks to make work.  Even Ron was frustrated by it during the times we sat together paying bills and wanted me to replace them.  

So remembering the spirit this gift was given, I used it to buy the following things.  It will make my life so much better.   I got them in white.  Thank you my grand brother.   Hugs

https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/mice/mx-master-3s.910-006558.html

https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/keyboards/mx-keys-s.920-011559.html

Peace & Justice History for 1/3

January 3, 1961
A nuclear reactor exploded at the National Reactor Testing Station in Idaho Falls, Idaho, killing three military technicians, and released radioactivity which, in the words of John A. McCone, Director of the Atomic Energy Commission, was “largely confined” to the reactor building. One technician was blown to the ceiling of the containment dome and impaled on a control rod. His body remained there until it was taken down six days later. The men were so heavily exposed to radiation that their hands and heads had to be buried separately with other radioactive waste.
=====================================================
January 3, 1967

Carl Wilson
Carl Wilson of the the Beach Boys was indicted for draft evasion.
Claiming conscientious objector status, he eventually won his battle against the charges.

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January 3, 1971

On her first day as a member of Congress, Bella Abzug (D-New York) introduced a resolution calling for the withdrawal of troops from Southeast Asia.

Bella Abzug
Born in the Bronx in 1920, one month after the passage of the U.S. Constitution’s 19th amendment granting women the right to vote, she was the first Jewish woman elected to Congress. After attending Columbia University Law School, she practiced civil rights and labor law for twenty-three years. Throughout her career, she was known as one of the most vocal proponents of civil rights for women, as well as for gays and lesbians.
Background on the indomitable Bella 
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January 3, 1993
The United States of America and the Russian Federation agreed to cut the number of their nuclear warheads to between 3,000 and 3,500 (nearly half).U.S. President George H.W. Bush, just before leaving office, and his Russian counterpart, Boris Yeltsin, signed the second Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty – Start II – in Moscow. Start II marked the biggest reduction in nuclear arms ever agreed, eliminating land-based multiple warhead missiles, and putting limits on submarine-based missiles.

Read more 
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January 3, 2003

Brazil’s new leftist president, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, suspended purchase of 12 new fighter planes, saying money could be better used to relieve hunger. 
More about Luiz Inacio  

https://www.peacebuttons.info/E-News/peacehistoryjanuary.htm#january3

Peace & Justice History for 1/2

January 2, 1905
The Conference of Industrial Unionists in Chicago formed the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW), frequently known as The Wobblies. The IWW mission was to form “One Big Union” among industrial workers.


IWW home  
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January 2, 1920

U.S. Attorney General Alexander Palmer, in what were called the Palmer or Red raids, ordered the arrest and detention without trial of 6,000 Americans, including suspected anarchists, communists, unionists and others considered radicals, including many members of the IWW.

Attorney General Alexander Palmer
This followed a mass arrest of thousands two months earlier based on Palmer’s belief that Communist agents from Russia were planning to overthrow the American government.
A suicide bomber had blown off the front door of the newly appointed Palmer the previous June, one in a series of coordinated attacks that day on judges, politicians, law enforcement officials, and others in eight cities nationwide. Palmer put a young lawyer, J. Edgar Hoover, in charge of investigating the bombings, collecting information on potentially violent anarchists, and coordinating the mass arrests.

More on the Palmer raids
FBI perspective 
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January 2, 1975

A U.S. Court ruled that John Lennon and his lawyers be given access to Department of Immigration and Naturalization files regarding his deportation case, to determine if the government case was based on his 1968 British drug conviction, or his anti-establishment comments during the years of the Nixon administration.
On October 5, 1975, the U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the order to deport Lennon, and he was granted permanent residency status.


Watch the trailer for the documentary, “The U.S. v. John Lennon” 
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January 2, 1996

Khaleda Zia
An estimated 100,000 Bangladeshi women traveled from the countryside to attend a rally in Dacca, the capital, to protest Islamist clerics’ attacks on women’s education and employment.
Khaleda Zia, the country’s first female prime minister, had introduced compulsory free primary education, free education for girls up to class ten, a stipend for the girl students, and food for the education program.

About Khaleda Zia 

https://www.peacebuttons.info/E-News/peacehistoryjanuary.htm#january2

Some Poetry on New Year’s Morning

It is about war. It is a beautiful piece of work about war. Click the title to get the background.

All I can see is nothing Sahar Muradi

If nothing that can be seen can either be God or represent Him to us as He is, then to find God we must pass beyond everything that can be seen and enter into darkness.
Since nothing that can be heard is God, to find Him we must enter into silence.
Thomas Merton, from “New Seeds of Contemplation,” 1961

I swear to God, mom, I am exhausted, but praise be to God in all circumstances.
—writing, translated from the Arabic, on the Al-Shifa Hospital walls, April 2024

All I can see is nothing
Fields of

Hollow
The O that escapes

A pasture of
Mouths

An apartment building
Of locked jaws

The silent weeping
Of rocks

I hear nothing
In the bags of soft limbs sighing

Milk teeth
Sharpening a father’s heart

The cone hat on the small head
Singing to plumes

Iftar in the tents
Flapping pages off the moon

But Your name over and over
On the hospital walls

But Your name stilling
The fire that does not cease

But Your name everywhere
Everything all at once

I see nothing
From this distance

This deepest night
This longest darkness

Fumble at fajr
To loosen my gasps

I repeat Your name
Over and over

Then bow to Your wisdom
To the terror of Your liberation

O that I may not see anything
More

Copyright © 2024 by Sahar Muradi. Originally published in Poem-a-Day on December 31, 2024, by the Academy of American Poets.

Some Joe My God headlines of republican right wing feces

The eight tech titans alone gained more than $600 billion this year, 43% of the $1.5 trillion increase among the 500 richest people tracked by the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.

Greenland’s natural resources are worth many trillions; future drillers and diggers won’t care that it’s cold and distant. As Alaska proves, where there’s value, there’ll be value-extractors

plus, perhaps, a casino or two. Yes, the right kind of development could MGGA—Make Greenland Great Again.

Peace & Justice History for 1/1

January 1, 1831

William Lloyd Garrison first published The Liberator (four hundred copies printed in the middle of the night using borrowed type), which became the leading abolitionist paper in the United States. He labeled slave-holding a crime and called for immediate abolition.
From the first issue: “I will be harsh as truth, and uncompromising as justice. On this subject, I do not wish to think, or speak, or write with moderation.
“Assenting to the ‘self-evident truth’ maintained in the American Declaration of Independence, ‘that all men are created equal, and endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights—among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,’ I shall strenuously contend for the immediate enfranchisement of our slave population.”
Selections from The Liberator 
January 1, 1847
Michigan became the first state – the first government in the English-speaking world – to abolish capital punishment (for all crimes except treason). This was done by a vote of the legislature, and was not a part of the state’s constitution until 1964.
How it happened (it’s a .pdf)
January 1, 1959
32-year-old lawyer Fidel Castro led Cuban revolutionaries to victory over the corrupt government of Fulgencio Batista who had fled the island the day before. Batista, a former army sergeant, had seized power in a coup, canceling an election, in 1952.
 
Fidel Castro
More on pre-Castro Cuba
The news at the time
Perspective of a U.S. intelligence agent
January 1, 1983
44 women scaled a 12-foot fence at dawn, breaking into a cruise missile base at Greenham Common in Great Britain, and danced on a missile silo.
The lyrics to their “Silo Song”  
January 1, 1987
Ten anti-nuclear activists were arrested for trespassing at the Nevada Test Site, the culmination of a 54-day encampment at the main Test Site gate. The camp established momentum for what became a movement ultimately involving over 10,000 arrests in numerous Test Site protests over the following years in the campaign to achieve a freeze of all nuclear weapons testing.

Nevada test site landscape
The Nevada site includes more than 14,000 sq. km. (nearly 6000 sq. miles, larger than the state of Connecticut) of uninhabited land where atmospheric, and later underground, nuclear testing had been conducted since the 1950s.
About the the Nevada Test Site 
January 1, 1989

Kees Koning
Kees Koning, a former army chaplain and priest, and Co van Melle, a medical doctor working with homeless people and illegal refugees, entered the Woensdrecht airbase (for a second time), and began the “conversion” of NF-5B fighter airplanes by beating them with sledgehammers into ploughshares. The Dutch planned to sell the NF-5B to Turkey, for use against the Kurdish nationalists as part of a NATO aid program which involved shipping 60 fighter planes to Turkey. Koning and van Melle were charged with trespass, sabotage and $350,000 damage; they were convicted, and both sentenced to a few months in jail.
Read more about the plowshares movement
January 1, 1991
Early in the morning Moana Cole, a Catholic Worker from New Zealand, Ciaron O’Reilly, a Catholic Worker from Australia, and Susan Frankel and Bill Streit, members of the Dorothy Day Catholic Worker community in Washington, D.C., calling themselves the ANZUS (Australia, New Zealand and U.S.) Peace Force Plowshares, entered the Griffiss Air Force Base in Rome, New York.

Moana Cole
After cutting through several fences, Frankel and Streit entered a deadly force area, and hammered and poured blood on a KC-135 (a refueling plane for B-52s), and then hammered and poured blood on the engine of a nearby cruise missile-armed B-52 bomber. They presented their action statement to base security who encircled them moments later. 
About Moana Cole 
January 1, 1994
The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) took effect. A treaty among Canada, the U.S. and Mexico, it called for all three countries to follow similar policies for environmental, safety and investment regulation, apart from laws passed by their respective legislatures.
January 1, 1994
On the day NAFTA (see above) took effect, more than 2,000 native Mayans in Mexico’s Chiapas state marched into the state capital, San Cristóbal de las Casas, and five neighboring towns, and seized control. Calling themselves Zapatistas, or the Zapatista Army of National Liberation (EZLN), a “declaration of war” was issued.
Chiapas is among the poorest parts of Mexico. The indigenous peoples of Mexico long suffered as second-class citizens due to the dominance of the Roman Catholic church and the traditional Mestizo (mixed Spanish and Indian ancestry) political leadership of the country. The EZLN was certain that NAFTA would permanently lock in the top-down economic situation in Mexico. The Zapatistas’ slogan was !Ya basta! (“Enough is enough”).
Employees at the Mexican stock exchange were evacuated by riot police. 25,000 Mexican soldiers arrived in Chiapas equipped with automatic weapons, tanks, helicopters and airplanes. 145 deaths were reported, mostly civilians. Massive arrests and subsequent torture of prisoners by the government took place.

https://www.peacebuttons.info/E-News/peacehistoryjanuary.htm#january1

Israeli Strikes Yemen’s Civilian International Airport | HasanAbi reacts

Poetry for An Election

You know what to do to find out more.

Morning After The Election by Regie Cabico

I can’t control
the vanishing
       of bees

       but I can control
the honey I swallow
to soothe
       the vocal cords

I can’t control boys
       bully-tumbling
another boy

in the classroom
       like they’re
in a mosh pit

but I can remember
       rolling on hills
with boys being the bully

I can’t change my major
from drama to global peace

but I can write
similes of serenity

& poetic sermons
in temples
of matrimonial fanfare

I know the bombs, the explosives,
and Molotovs are overhead

and I can’t control 
       the lottery, the multiverses,
and tomorrow’s astrology

but whatever tarot card I pick
       or whatever
   gets thrown
       at my face: 

Hangman
       or Fallen Towers

I can express
my weathering emotions

to sing while hoarse
to control air placement
to find the chakra

the right amount of air
to pass through my throat

oh sing with me
the octave between

blade & nectar
rubble & clouds 
ash & mountain

Copyright © 2024 by Regie Cabico. Originally published in Poem-a-Day on December 30, 2024, by the Academy of American Poets.

Peace & Justice History for 12/30

(Their email program seems to be off for the holidays! I keep a link; here is today’s.)

December 30, 1901
The worst year in the 20th century for lynching in the U.S. ended with a total of 130 victims (105 blacks, 25 whites).
Ida Wells-Barnett had been a teacher and newspaper editor in Memphis, Tennessee, where she wrote against the evils of lynching in her columns in The Free Speech and Headlight. Forced from the South by threat of violence, she continued her efforts in Chicago.

From a letter to President William McKinley from Barnett, published in the Cleveland Gazette April 9, 1898:
Mr. President, the colored citizens of this country in general, and Chicago in particular, desire to respectfully urge that some action be taken by you as chief magistrate of this great nation, first for the apprehension and punishment of the lynchers of Postmaster Baker, of Lake City, S.C.; second, we ask indemnity for the widow and children, both for the murder of the husband and father, and for injuries sustained by themselves; third, we most earnestly desire that national legislation be enacted for the suppression of the national crime of lynching.
For nearly twenty years lynching crimes, which stand side by side with Armenian and Cuban outrages, have been committed and permitted by this Christian nation. Nowhere in the civilized world save the United States of America do men, possessing all civil and political power, go out in bands of 50 and 5,000 to hunt down, shoot, hang or burn to death a single individual, unarmed and absolutely powerless. Statistics show that nearly 10,000 American citizens have been lynched in the past 20 years. To our appeals for justice the stereotyped reply has been that the government could not interfere in a state matter. Postmaster Baker’s case was a federal matter, pure and simple. He died at his post of duty in defense of his country’s honor, as truly as did ever a soldier on the field of battle. We refuse to believe this country, so powerful to defend its citizens abroad, is unable to protect its citizens at home. Italy and China have been indemnified by this government for the lynching of their citizens. We ask that the government do as much for its own.
December 30, 1936

above: Workers sit down at GM

Supporters pass in food to sitdown strikers
Members of the United Automobile Workers sat down at a General Motors plant in Flint, Michigan. GM, the world’s largest corporation at the time, had refused to recognize or negotiate with the union, despite passage of the National Labor Relations Act (Wagner Act) in 1935 which promised unions the right to organize. The local’s membership adopted a tactic developed by French workers. Instead of picketing outside a factory only to be ignored or forcibly cleared away, the sit-down strike enabled workers to halt production and seize the plant “from the inside.” The strike began just days after the end of a successful sit-down at Ford supplier Kelsey-Hayes. 

“Master Hands,” a corporate documentary about the Flint plant shot shortly before the strike 
December 30, 1971
Daniel Ellsberg, a Defense Department analyst, and his colleague Anthony Russo were indicted by a federal grand jury for releasing the Pentagon Papers to the news media. The papers were part of a 7000-page, top-secret government history of the United States’ political and military involvement in the Vietnam War from 1945 to 1971, and described air strikes over Laos, raids along the coast of North Vietnam, and offensive actions taken by U.S. Marines well before the American public had been told that such actions had occurred.

The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers 
The Post – new movie (2017) watch trailer 
Why were they being prosecuted? 
December 30, 1972
President Richard Nixon ordered an end to U.S. bombing of North Vietnam. The most recent air strikes had been retaliation for North Vietnam’s walking out of the peace negotiations in Paris and pressure to force it to submit to U.S. terms. Bombing of strategic targets and Hanoi (the North’s capital) and Haiphong lasted for eight days with a 36-hour break for Christmas. The 20,000 tons (18.1 million kg) of bombs killed just over 1600 North Vietnamese, and a dozen B-52s were lost. North Vietnam agreed to return to the bargaining table.
December 30, 1993
The state of Israel and the Vatican under Pope John Paul II agreed to extend diplomatic recognition to one another.

https://www.peacebuttons.info/E-News/peacehistorydecember.htm#december30

‘Shocking’ bodycam video released of New York officers fatally beating prisoner

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/rcna185537

Robert Brooks, 43, died a day after being attacked by several correctional officers at the Marcy Correctional Facility on Dec. 9. His death has prompted a state investigation.
 
***  There is a video at the site linked above that is very informative and shows the man before the police killed him.  ***
 

The office of New York’s attorney general released body camera footage Friday showing the fatal beating of a state prisoner this month by correctional officers who punched and kicked him repeatedly while he was handcuffed on an infirmary bed.

The incident, which has drawn outrage from political leaders and was condemned by the officers’ union as “incomprehensible,” is being investigated by state Attorney General Letitia James. The inmate, Robert Brooks, 43, died in the hospital a day after the Dec. 9 attack.

 

“I do not take lightly the release of this video, especially in the middle of the holiday season,” James said at a virtual news conference.

“These videos are shocking and disturbing,” she added.

Brooks can be seen in the videos with his hands cuffed behind his back. In one video, he is sitting up as an officer presses his foot down on him. He is then punched by two officers.

At another point, he is forcefully yanked from the bed by his shirt collar and held up above the ground, his face visibly bloodied.

OSI is currently conducting an investigation into the death of Robert Brooks, who died on December 10, 2024 following an encounter with Department of Corrections and Community Supervision officers at Marcy Correctional Facility in Oneida County.
Robert Brooks as seen in body camera footage at the Marcy Correctional Facility in Oneida County, New York, on Dec. 9.Office of the New York State Attorney General

Last week, Gov. Kathy Hochul ordered the state Department of Corrections and Community Supervision to begin the process of firing 14 workers at the Marcy Correctional Facility in Oneida County, where the incident occurred. They include correctional officers, sergeants and a prison nurse. In the interim, all have been suspended without pay, except for one officer, who already resigned. In a statement following the release of the videos, Daniel Martuscello, the commissioner of the state corrections department, said his office has launched its own investigation in an effort to bring “institutional change.”

“Watching the video evidence of Robert Brooks’ life being taken left me feeling deeply repulsed and nauseated,” Martuscello said. “There is no excuse and no rationalization for a vulgar, inhumane act that senselessly took a life. This type of behavior cannot be normalized, and I will not allow it to be within DOCCS.”