Scottie’s Childhood – Scottie's Playtime

I talk about hate, the word, the personal cost, and what it means to me. I talk about why I tried to remove hate from myself despite my childhood of abuse. I read something Randy wrote, and I praise his skill at writing. Hugs

I had planned to do several videos today. But to be upfront with everyone this one took a lot out of me. It came very close to my own personhood. It talked about a journey I took in private emotionally and only a few close people were part of it. I felt both very drained after doing it and also found it very cathartic.

After my mini stroke some time ago, I couldn’t even pronounce the word cathartic to Ron when talking to him about the post and how it felt. I could see it, taste the word on my tongue but couldn’t get the sounds out of my mouth. I had to go to the computer and run the word through the sound program and then I could only pronounce it if I heard it with in 10 seconds. After that I struggled and Ron felt so bad for me he came over and hugged me. That is the result of being poor in the US and needing healthcare you don’t get in time. But let’s talk bad about other countries that provide their people with healthcare, mistakenly claiming they have long wait times.

Yes I am glad I made the video but in truth it delayed other videos I wanted to make and I was very fearful of making this one. See in this video I expose myself in a very vulnerable way. I admit I am human and while everyone knows I was abused it is nebulas to them. They don’t know the details of the abuse nor how it really twisted inside me … and they really would like to keep it that way.

No I am not blaming anyone nor casting dispersion on anyone. It is easy to be sympathetic but far more so if the horror doesn’t touch something emotional deep inside us. In this video I am trying to reach that feeling deep inside. If it upsets you I am sorry but ask you to examine why it does upset you. That is really the point about hate I am trying to make. Many people hate and they don’t need to be abused to feel that way. Just listen to Fox or other right wing media, it is all built on hate of one thing or the other. They never really push their cause, just what they hate. Grown men attacking a barbie movie … to prove how manly they are?

So I made the post. I would appreciate the comments, good, bad, and the ugly. It will help me grow. Both as a person and as someone who wants to do videos. Thank you. As always best wishes for everyone and hugs for those that want them.

There is something that has been preying on my mind and it is effecting my sleep and my day, every day. It is not critical yet. I started the post then sent it to draft. The issue is my memories of two of the methods used to punish me when I was 3 until the family moved about when I turned 7 years old. It is painful to think of and I know it will be even more painful for those who read it who did not live my childhood. I started a post and then shoved it into drafts until I could decide to publish it.

Here is the thing. I have come to care about my viewers, and I really have learned to care about people, all people, every person in some way since my miserable childhood. I have learned to see most people as good, and learned the hard way to recognize those that are not. I try to find the best in people, try to find a way to understand them.

I know if I write out what is inside me, it will hurt people, the people who come here. I have even hesitated to put it on the Male Survivor forums I belong to as there are a bunch of new people struggling and I don’t want to trigger them. I reached out to a good online friend there who had been pimped out all his childhood, professionally from 9 until 24 when he ran away. Like me right from his earliest memories after being adopted he was abused and sexualized. I asked him if he thinks I should write it and post it. I will look for his response tomorrow.

But while I may put it there, the question I have is should I put it here. There are new people here also, and there are new authors, Ali and Randy. Their followers may be shocked by what my childhood was and leave the viewership. I am confused, I am hurting, and I am struggling with this. I always used my blogs before to tell of my abuse before I even told Ron about them. But now I am torn. I want to get this out, yet I want to protect people.

Ok wonderful people who come here and read our posts. What do you think, please be honest. Should I write what I am feeling, what is bothering me here, or try to keep it bottled up inside me and maybe only share it there on MS? Thanks. I do care about each of you. Best wishes and / or Hugs as you prefer. Scottie