Suzy Sunshine and I met today and we mutually agreed that she couldn’t help me. She started off the session on grounding technics, and when she told me what they were I led her through each sense and how I try to stop the vortex from taking me and the steps involved, I described every step involved she stopped and looked sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said you knew all this before I could tell you. I said I have been dealing with these memories, emotions, and the cascading tornado of the vortex along with the emotional roller coaster of what happens for most of my life. I have learned to image and use the positive things in my life as handles to keep the tornado black vortex from drawing me in to it. In the last decade or more I have had to seriously draw on them to stay sane. No one taught me these things, I found them on my own because I was in such distress. At that point she told me I had passed the point where anything she could offer me would help. We left it I would work on it more myself and if I started to get in a bad place like I was in November and December I would call her and she would get me in with a trauma therapist. We parted on good terms with her saying as I put my heavy over shirt on because it is really cold here in Florida, “I am sorry I wanted to help, but what you are dealing with is way beyond anything I was trained for or ready for”. I thanked her and explained what I am dealing with most people can’t understand … but all I need is their caring support and honest concern for my wellbeing, something I never got as a child. I think what broke her was when she asked about smells could I think of a positive smell that might pull me from a trigger. I explained to her that all smells are relative and for example Ron might be cooking hamburgers and french fries and it might make me happy. Or it could remind me of when as a child the rest got to sit at the table eating hamburgers and French fries while I was made to stand across the room and watch. I saw her start to close down and she stuttered as she said yes I can see how that may be triggering. Anyway a song for the attempt at therapy. Oh if no one noticed I updated the Kamyk post, please read the new part at the end. Hugs
Tag: Scottie’s Childhood
My view on HATE
I talk about hate, the word, the personal cost, and what it means to me. I talk about why I tried to remove hate from myself despite my childhood of abuse. I read something Randy wrote, and I praise his skill at writing. Hugs
I had planned to do several videos today. But to be upfront with everyone this one took a lot out of me. It came very close to my own personhood. It talked about a journey I took in private emotionally and only a few close people were part of it. I felt both very drained after doing it and also found it very cathartic.
After my mini stroke some time ago, I couldn’t even pronounce the word cathartic to Ron when talking to him about the post and how it felt. I could see it, taste the word on my tongue but couldn’t get the sounds out of my mouth. I had to go to the computer and run the word through the sound program and then I could only pronounce it if I heard it with in 10 seconds. After that I struggled and Ron felt so bad for me he came over and hugged me. That is the result of being poor in the US and needing healthcare you don’t get in time. But let’s talk bad about other countries that provide their people with healthcare, mistakenly claiming they have long wait times.
Yes I am glad I made the video but in truth it delayed other videos I wanted to make and I was very fearful of making this one. See in this video I expose myself in a very vulnerable way. I admit I am human and while everyone knows I was abused it is nebulas to them. They don’t know the details of the abuse nor how it really twisted inside me … and they really would like to keep it that way.
No I am not blaming anyone nor casting dispersion on anyone. It is easy to be sympathetic but far more so if the horror doesn’t touch something emotional deep inside us. In this video I am trying to reach that feeling deep inside. If it upsets you I am sorry but ask you to examine why it does upset you. That is really the point about hate I am trying to make. Many people hate and they don’t need to be abused to feel that way. Just listen to Fox or other right wing media, it is all built on hate of one thing or the other. They never really push their cause, just what they hate. Grown men attacking a barbie movie … to prove how manly they are?
So I made the post. I would appreciate the comments, good, bad, and the ugly. It will help me grow. Both as a person and as someone who wants to do videos. Thank you. As always best wishes for everyone and hugs for those that want them.
I am struggling with nightmares of something I don’t know if I should share with you.
There is something that has been preying on my mind and it is effecting my sleep and my day, every day. It is not critical yet. I started the post then sent it to draft. The issue is my memories of two of the methods used to punish me when I was 3 until the family moved about when I turned 7 years old. It is painful to think of and I know it will be even more painful for those who read it who did not live my childhood. I started a post and then shoved it into drafts until I could decide to publish it.
Here is the thing. I have come to care about my viewers, and I really have learned to care about people, all people, every person in some way since my miserable childhood. I have learned to see most people as good, and learned the hard way to recognize those that are not. I try to find the best in people, try to find a way to understand them.
I know if I write out what is inside me, it will hurt people, the people who come here. I have even hesitated to put it on the Male Survivor forums I belong to as there are a bunch of new people struggling and I don’t want to trigger them. I reached out to a good online friend there who had been pimped out all his childhood, professionally from 9 until 24 when he ran away. Like me right from his earliest memories after being adopted he was abused and sexualized. I asked him if he thinks I should write it and post it. I will look for his response tomorrow.
But while I may put it there, the question I have is should I put it here. There are new people here also, and there are new authors, Ali and Randy. Their followers may be shocked by what my childhood was and leave the viewership. I am confused, I am hurting, and I am struggling with this. I always used my blogs before to tell of my abuse before I even told Ron about them. But now I am torn. I want to get this out, yet I want to protect people.
Ok wonderful people who come here and read our posts. What do you think, please be honest. Should I write what I am feeling, what is bothering me here, or try to keep it bottled up inside me and maybe only share it there on MS? Thanks. I do care about each of you. Best wishes and / or Hugs as you prefer. Scottie
Scottie's Playtime 