As most know I have had a rough few days. And I decided as I worked around the house and did stuff I needed something very not news in my head. I told my computer to find me coming of age young people figuring out they were gay. There are great short movies out there by people who lived through it and while some have the same trope, some have really good takes. I never got that chance in my life so I enjoy those movies and cheer for the kids that come together and find themselves at the end. Ok it is not Picard but it is also the kind of things you don’t need to watch as you work to enjoy the story. Then life decided to kick me in the balls.
Then the trailer for the movie silenced came to my ears. I heard it, then rushed to my computers to see what was happening. I watched the trailer. Oh shit … my mind spiraled. Everything I was going through up until then crashed on me … and I clicked on the link. And watched even more screen takes.
While I was crying everything that happened next is entirely my fault. I looked up where you can watch this documentary. This documentary of kids being abused … and getting their day in court. That was what I desperately wanted to see. Them win in court. But sadly two days later I can not get there. And I doubt I ever will, not unless I can get past the abuse. Ron commented I did not seem like myself and have not seemed to be sleeping well, not like I have been for a while. The pictures in my head, the screenshots of memories repeating over and over … no I am not sleeping well.
See the movie beginning details the death of a 5 / 6 year old boy who walks out in front of a moving train, which if you watch long enough you find that the boy had watched his brother beaten for trying to protect him from rape, been repeatedly raped, then his brother raped. The movie makes it even worse because the bath the younger boy got while nude … I got that same damn bath. The soap, the hands, the attention paid … it is all too damn real to me.
And then goes on to mix the new teacher with flashbacks to the rape of a 6 yr girl he interrupted not knowing he had. He witnesses the repeated beatings of a boy that turns out to be the brother that killed himself and he was repeatedly being raped that the teacher finally stops using violence himself. Totally against their societal norms. The reasons for the beatings become clear. The boy tries to resist being repeatedly sexually abused.
At that point I checked out. Lost in time and space in my own mind. I came back to my own mind with the computer player paused and Ron knocking on my office door asking if I wanted supper. I told him no and did not tell him about the video. Then two nights of bad sleep, still have not told him.
I want to finish the movie, I want to see these kids win. But the court part of it which is next will have to include their abuse, the rapes, forced oral sex. Right now I can’t do that. I can’t. I am sorry I know it is a movie but it is a documentary and these kids did go through this. I went through this. So I closed the player a few minutes ago and won’t be opening it for a while. Back to listening to podcasts of news and watching videos of what tRump is doing. As weird as it is to say … it is far less stressful to me than that movie. Sadly now my YouTube feed has a few abuse videos so I have to ignore the suggested and only watch the ones on my subscribed listed. Now you know why the last few days have been a struggle for me. Hugs
As I was checking this Ron knocked on my closed office door. He came over and held his arms out and slowly reached around me to hug me. He asked me if I was OK, that I had been a bit strange lately. I told him I was fine and loved him, just a bit tired. He replied he couldn’t have done the work the last few days without me … which is weird as I can’t help much other than fetch needed tools and parts and the occasional flashlight. But when he came in the room I quickly turned this page to another tab. That means he knows something is wrong and I am not hiding it well enough. So I have to forget the documentary and everything in my past again as best I can.
What I wanted this post to be about was why the hell do I even read this stuff, watch these things. I have to know they will trigger me. Yet it is like a moth to a flame. It is why I had to leave the Male Survivor site. Every story I read and replied to became somehow ingrained in me because some aspect of what they wrote I went through. I started to describe the many ways those posts are me and what I went through … I got five or six sentences in when I realized I was spiraling down again. Let just say it was too many who had parts of my abuse and added together it becomes a whole, and I couldn’t keep putting myself there even to help others. I can not help others if I am wallowing in my own suffering. It was destroying me.
It is why I could listen to Kamyk and help him night after night after night, because our abuse was so different. He was a kidnaped victim for three months for ritualistic abuse. Mine was a long slog from when I was 3 until the last time one of the hell spawn raped me repeatedly at 24. So 21 years of violence and physical abuse. Anyway. I am tired. I am going to answer comments until Ron is ready for bed. Lately he has wanted to cuddle a lot which I really like. Be safe everyone. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 