OK this won’t be a full post on my abuse because Ron is terrified of my being emotionally upset before my surgery tomorrow. This female sibling was pregnant at 13 and married at 14. But while she was in the house she was the defacto caregiver to me. She was the one who tied me to a stair banister and let her boyfriends and other boys rape me. Her soon to be husband wanted more so she arranged for him to force me to give him blow jobs and rape me in other places / context. He had a fascination with buttholes so you can guess what that meant for the 3, and 4 and 5 and 6 year old me.
She was the one who farmed me out to the guy across the street at age 3 who was a real little boy lover so while he used my body he never made me hurt like I was being hurt at home. He often got upset at my bruised body. He often gave me the only real affection I felt at that time. I just had to let him use my body to gain it.
She tried to get me removed from the will due to the fact I was adopted. In her own writings she said I was never a part of the family so shouldn’t have a share of the inheritance. She failed to mention how badly I was treated by the family for some reason. The courts disagreed with her. Her husband was the executor of the estate and he was informed and needed to be ordered by the court to change the legal paperwork to reflect my new legal name, but in her obituary she used the family name of my abusers. She knew better at this point, as did her husband who once was said to be a corrupt cop.
I am going to try to keep my mind from it. But what Ron doesn’t know is my mind went there last night. Just not bad enough for me to yell / scream out. I will have to deal with it soon. But not hopefully tonight the night before my spine surgery. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Best wishes on your surgery tomorrow.
The rest of your post, you are a strong resilient man to still be here. Remember that while you are dealing. It is all in the past, though it might seem fresh in your memory. Draw a childlike picture of them, then scratch them out and cut the picture into tiny multi-shaped pieces. Let them know you know they can never hurt you again.
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Hi Rawgod. Thank you. I read what you suffered, and I appreciate the advice. I was doing well; I had not been having horrific nightmares just bad dreams, but after this news Ron told me that at night I am again growling, moaning, fighting enemies and I have schratched up my butt and lower legs in my sleep. Several times he has had to wake me and ask if I am OK. The news awakened old memories. I know they can’t hurt me ever again, but my memories when I sleep forget that. Hugs
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I came across a site ,not long ago, that offers the sound of rain – and many others.
https://environment.ambient-mixer.com/
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Went to website, saw some what should be calming sounds, but was directed to the same ad every time I tried to tap on them, one that does not let me get our without forcing me to open it. Who knows who or what is at the other end. I don’t trust it. No rest for me tonight.
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Booo!
I don’t know what ad blocker I have that doesn’t let this happen, but I don’t have to suffer through that. Sorry for the questionable link.
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Worked for me. No ads, just (rather interesting) sounds … ??
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There’s a whole library with cataloguing and some with adjustments.
I find that I want background noise and these give me that without having to go check out the latest plot development.
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Hi Nan. I hope you are well. I am not able to get to many blogs written by other people these days. But what gets me is that after all these years she still had to revile in the hate and bitterness of my childhood. Why as she was dying did she need to call me by the wrong name? She went to the grave hating me for her parents adopting me to abuse me. She got what she wanted and needed from my body; why more hate now 50 years later she still is eaten up with the anger and hate her parents infected all their kids with just as they were so filled with it. They were such angry, hateful people, and they taught my hellspawn siblings that hate as well. Again I do hope you and your husband are well. Hugs
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I know you have had extreme difficulty getting past your HORRIBLE childhood. Nevertheless, it seems your life with Ron is going well and that’s always something to be thankful for. ❤️
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Hi Nan. Yes, I am still struggling with my childhood because more stuff keeps coming up in my memories. That forces me to deal with it mostly at night when I am trying to sleep and my brain lets the memories hit me unfiltered.
But yes you are correct that Ron and I are happier than ever. We seem to find every bump in the road a momentary distraction and yet we hug more, we cuddle more, and we work together more. I just had surgery two weeks ago to be able to walk again and one of the first things we did was start cooking meals together. We both enjoy cooking and each add things to every meal. He designed the new kitchen with the idea of us both being in the kitchen and working together.
I had the first of three surgeries I need to have. Ron just saw our eye doctor and he will schedule his eye surgery soon. I need to have my eye surgery at the larger facility that has the ability to put me under with my medications. But before either of us can have our surgeries Ron may have to go to New Hampshire. His sister has a home there and she bought two here that Ron is taking care of. He is rebuilding the east room of the house that was destroyed during hurricane Ian destroyed so I can have my large bright room back.
So yes things are going well for us. Other than the medical stuff we have a good home, lots of food to eat, a comfortable bed to sleep in, and so much more. Please let me know how things are going for you. Best wishes and hugs
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Hi MDavis. Sorry I have not gotten to other comments; I really am trying. I can’t have any noise when I sleep, especially noise that changes in tempo or loudness. I was so glad when Ron got his new C-PAP machine that is so quiet I can sleep through it. We have to set the A/C in the room to constant as the eco mode cycling wakes me in a panic state. When Ron first moved in to my home when we first met I was working nights, and he would wake me by just moving around in the house. God forbid he come into the bedroom as I was out of the bed ready to fight before I even realized I had done it. Ron uses earbuds and plays such things as those sounds and music from his iPad when he comes to bed; I don’t hear it. Thank you for the suggestion, but I can’t use it. Hugs
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Scottie, I appreciate you taking the time, but please don’t add needless stress to your life. I check my email/follows every day so I’ll see it when you get to it.
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Hi MDavis. I value you as a person and I value your input on things I post. What is happening right now in our life to make things harder is that I gave my right leg a shot and my leg swelled up very painfully. Ron got very ill with a chest cold and congestion. I got some congestion. Ron’s sister has her two homes here that she has her brother managing and caring for along with me getting a bit of chest discomfort. Tupac urineation issues have gotten much worse as well. My eye sight has gotten so bad I can hardly read the blogs even at the highest word settings. My right leg swelled up so I couldn’t walk anymore, which is very painful even after my successful pain surgery. Ron got a chest cold that got very bad, and my own recovery got really set back. My part of the cold got much better even as his keeps getting worse. All in all, we are doing well. Which seems weird, even with everything going on. Please don’t worry; I am not stressing, but I do love to reply when I can, it is like having a conversation with a friend. Hugs
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You out-lived it ~ that’s a cut above
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Hi Ten Bears. I did when many kids in my situation I realize did not. I wonder why? Was it that they were already charged or at some point I got complacent with it, trying to please them so I wouldn’t be hurt worse? But the memories make it seem like it is happening over again in real time. I seem to get a handle on it and then something triggers it and I have a bad week of abusive nightmares. And in truth it makes it hard to have a happy face dealing with the world the next day. But it is what I have to do what I have had to do for so long. Ron has gotten to the point of trying to deflect my thoughts during the day when I voice my memories to him, to spare himself the pain, but I have recently told him that doesn’t help me get the pain of the abuse out of myself but makes me swallow it to protect him. Hugs
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