Hello Everyone. I know I left off yesterday in a really bad state and some of you may wonder how today is for me. I was up until 3:30 in the morning. I went to bed with Ron but couldn’t stay there. I was far too anxious and upset. So I stayed in my office watching videos and trying to distract myself. Ron came out to check on me twice. I got up at 7:30 AM and I couldn’t walk without support. My back feels very weak and like it won’t hold me up. I went back to bed for an hour to get my back under control. Because of all the extra medication I took yesterday my stomach is a bit off, not bad but for most of the morning I wondered if I would be able to eat. It seems to have settled down now. I am in a lot of pain today. So that is the physical side. The emotional side is raw. I feel raw, I feel stronger than yesterday but that is because I am avoiding triggers as best as I can. I am trying hard to avoid things that might call or activate the vortex. But it is hard to do with the news today. The story of the little 7 year old girl who had her medication taken away from her by the adults in her life came very close to pushing me to the edge again. By last night I was in a very bad state and I don’t want to go there today. So that is where I am at. My mental state is not stable, I am very close to the edge right now. I keep feeling like I want to cry some more / again. I am not sure what activity to do to keep strong and to avoid falling back into the bad places. I may just stop on the computers for today and play Xbox and Halo. Thanks everyone. Hugs
So much I want to to say, to write, to share, but I can not. Very late I just was able to eat my supper. I am so tired yes so anxious. I have so many videos I have seen today I want to post. Ron keeps telling to relax, to try to calm down, to go to bed. I don’t know if I can go to bed, but Ron says he will go to bed with me. So many more videos to post, yet they will be there in the morning. Damn I am scared, what will be in my dreams. No one understands, sometimes the dreams are good, and other times they are there, they come for me again and I can not stop them if I am asleep. Ron again is asking me to go to bed. He must know what he is asking. I have to I am so tired, and my eyes hurt. Good night, I hope for all of us. But I think I will get up in the morning as tired as I am now, and as worried. Hugs
Hello Everyone. I have not been able to face comments and using my reasoning part of my brain today after I read that story of the abused kids. But let me backtrack a few days.
My back has been really bad since Friday and I didn’t do anything to hurt it more, it is just gotten to a point where my medication is not covering the damage that keeps growing in my spine and the increasing muscle spasms. The steroid injections are / have worn off. I have been trying to walk (and Ron goes with me and then when I stop at home he keeps walking) in the morning around phase 1 of our development.
So far on days I can I have worked myself up to this route. We leave our home at 39 and walk to Jackson, then down to Geronimo to No Name, turn up Sam Houston, then down Jim Bowie back to No Name, going up to Church Drive, head back to Andrew Jackson to our home. Here is the entire park, which after making sure I am in the house Ron goes further into get his exercise. The map is not quite accurate as the church is directly behind our home.
I have better more detailed maps but this was the first one in my saved files that came up. So as I said Ron goes on after he makes sure I am in the house. So on Friday my back total went in to super bitch mode from normal bitch mode, and I was in extreme pain. My back has been really bad since I tried to carry those bags of soda three months ago. And so as the pain built higher and higher I needed more medication and my thinking got harder and harder. So I missed the comments.
Then I was wakened on Saturday morning by my Apple watch going off on my wrist crazy with a big red screen which had a heart on it saying my heart rate was dangerous at a sustained 133 and had been up and down all night. Ron said I had been upset in my sleep and rather active as I get when I am having a flashback nightmare.
So Saturday I felt like crap, Ron wouldn’t let me walk but we worked at getting my heart rate down which we did. But I was not feeling up to handling much. Sunday I was feeling better and during / after the Sunday News Shows I was answering comments and doing posts. Then came today where the vortex found me.
The Vortex. Some of the long time readers know what the vortex is for me and how scary it can be. The vortex is the thing that takes me to the void, the place my memories suck me into and take me that I struggle to leave, mostly losing for long period of time, sometimes weeks or more. It takes over my mind and body, I can not function, I cannot deal with life, I can not shut off my mind or the memories that are on a constant loop complete with all the feelings of pain / anger / despair & hopelessness / and deep frustrations. All the emotions and feelings that I felt when the bad stuff was happening to me as I relive it all over and over and over … The vortex in my mind is a huge tornado that catches me and tries to suck me in, I can feel / hear it coming and I am terrified of the place it will take me if it can …
Sorry had to take a break.
So with therapy and help I have learned to form in my mind handles to grab onto when the vortex starts to draw me in. Those handles can save me depending on how bad the shock / memories are in my mind. One of those handles was Randy. Back in 2014 when I started self harming again Randy my wonderful online brother who while working 12 hour shifts would watch my posts carefully for any signs of distress and either call me or take calls and talk to me for hours trying to fight off the vortex / memories. He lost a lot of sleep back in those years, but he kept me from a lot of new scars and possible suicide. I admire and love him far more than I can ever say.
That was when Ron set up the candle making stuff in my bedroom and I would stay in the bedroom for weeks make candles day and night. I never knew until later that Ron would box them up and store them because the doctor had told him to keep me focused on making the candles. Our bedroom has a bathroom and Ron would bring me stuff to eat and I just stayed in there making candles and sleeping. It was a dark time in my life, I was desperate to avoid / stop the memories.
So I have learned to develop handles to grab onto, to hold my mind / emotions from being sucked into the vortex. That is what I used today. Ron seen my distress after I read that article and he knew I was upset and struggling. So we went for our morning walk even though he was worried about my heart rate. James set my phone to contact his phone if my heart rate gets too crazy. After our walk I forced myself to stay busy which helps, I helped Ron with our 4th of July lunch which was typical hamburgers, hot dogs, and french fries. I even managed to eat well which is hard for me to do when the vortex takes me too far into the void. Then all day I immersed myself in videos and laundry. Ron asked me to lay down for a while with him as I was getting a bit manic and over wrought. I tried but it was a no go and making things worse for me so I got up.
Between loads of laundry I watched videos and read news sites while posting like there was a reward for the most posts. I had to do that to keep my mind focused on anything but the vortex and the kids I read about this morning. I watched, read, posted with all my mind, and when I went to deal with the laundry I kept my computer headphones on or my phone earbuds in. Ron understood. But by about 4 PM after even two early sets of medications my back gave out entirely. I could hardly walk yet still felt driven to move or I would jump out of my skin. So Ron seeing I was still agitated and getting worse tried to distract me, tried to keep my mind on computer stuff, even recommended I take one of the mood stabilizer meds I hate so much. I don’t react well on them, I have had several doctors try to put me on them. Now Valium is called Diazepam and it is one the doctors have tried to put me on and I refuse to let any doctor prescribe them to me. I disassociate while on them.
The problem is they make me slow down to where I can not function. Now as an adult everything moves too fast when I am on them. It is like I am in a deep fog, moving so slow like I am wading through chest high water, and everyone is talking too fast for me to understand or deal with. I hate it, I am like in super slow motion while the world seems on speed.
In my childhood I was put on heavy doses of Valium to keep me compliant with my abuse because the adoptive parents insisted and the doctors complied, no one looked into the medical history of abuse I had, the broken bones or other things. I would be given the first dose in the morning, go to school and after an hour or two I would either fall asleep at my desk or tell the teacher I needed to lay down. There was a cot setup behind the library shelves where I would go and sleep, at lunch time I would be wakened if still sleeping and taken to lunch then be given my pills by a teacher after eating, and after a hour or two I would go back to lay down behind the shelves. I spent most of my 2rd to 6th grade school years that way. I missed so much schooling. It was accepted but I still don’t know why. Only one person tried to get me to tell them what was going on at home and help me. He even befriend my adoptive parents to do as much for me as he could. But in those days a school employee did not have the authority they do now. On days the police picked me up to take me the ordered medical people I wouldn’t be given my pills so I would be awake and active, even hyperactive so they wouldn’t suspect abuse or blame the bruises on normal hyperactive child behavior. But my mind was still confused and even with what I could hazily remember I knew not to tell. Oh shit, Crap.
Sorry see I told you about the vortex, it sucks you in and keeps your mind and memories lock in the past, in the bad times. I only realized where I was in my mind and what I was writing when I got up to get another soda. Damn, it is insidious. I don’t want to think of those days, I don’t want to go back there, I did not want to write about it. Yet I did because that is where my mind is. Shit, I have to reread this to see where I was in my writing on what I wanted to say. The meds are starting to take effect and things are starting to move faster than I can deal / function with them.
So I have kept myself busy and as focused as possible, and another day has gone by without me answering the comments. Sorry I like the comments, but when I am as upset as I have been I just can not focus enough to reply to them, if I try to do them my mind wanders too much. But now with my mind slowing down I am going to try to get to some of the older ones.
Sorry to bring everyone down on a holiday weekend. I hope everyone has had a great 4th of July and remembers all the great things in their life. I wanted to tell everyone something else but I can not remember what it is. Hugs and loves. Scottie
Sorry but I just realized at least 2 hours have gone by since I wrote this and proofread it. I have been sitting here at my desk staring at my other monitor and it just went off. I have no idea what it was showing let me look. Oh it is something I want to post. I have to watch it again, I don’t remember much of it. Hugs
Hello Playtime viewers, thank you so much for being here. I want to tell you something that is going on with me and hope it helps you understand why sometimes lately it is more than my pain levels that is causing me to go to bed and why I am not able to quickly answer comments.
Right up front it seems my pancreas is not producing insulin at any real sufficient amount anymore. The pills I have taken for years do not really work anymore. This is not due to diet, but due to the fact that to help me be able to calm the back muscle spasms and to handle the damage to my spine I have to take heavy steroid injections. Oh yes if I could get out and weight lift and exercise, I would be so ripped.
At the risk of irritating those that worry I share too much about my own life let me tell you about my day and the blood sugar issue I endured.
I got up with Ron, we try to get up together, since there is no way we can go to bed together. Yes, it is silly but it means something to us, and we try to do it. We started our day. I am trying hard to restrict my caloric intake, I have a very sit on my ass lifestyle, I do not need a lot of calories. Plus groceries are expensive. Ron likes to push food on me, because he is a loving spouse.
Fast forward to lunch, he had breakfast, I did not. I took my blood sugar and it was low so the insulin required was only 4 units. He made me a salad which I try to have at least once a day often twice, my salad is lettuce, mushrooms, carrot shavings, crotons, and if we have them hardboiled egg white parts. (side note if I get hungry for breakfast I try to have three or four hard boiled eggs with nothing else, this diet has reduced my waist and belly size amazingly) he made me one roast beef with white cheddar cheese & mustard sandwich. Don’t worry, this will become more important in a few minutes. I promise. So after I ate that I was still hungry so Ron made me another sandwich. Then craving salt, I had the last few crumbs of Lays chips we had in the house (we decided not to have them as Ron is the same with chips that I am with sweets, if they are in the house we will eat them no matter how bad for us so now we don’t have them in the house)
We both went for a nap, we both get tired after eating and normally take a nap in the early afternoon. I think it is more an excuse to lay down with each other than sleep but we do it most days. But I couldn’t sleep. So I got up, but as I got hotter and hotter, my thoughts got more confused. When Ron got up I complained to him how hot I was and that I was struggling to think. He knew something was wrong and told me it was not that hot in the house. He had me take my blood sugar and yes it was very high. This was hours after lunch. He had me take more insulin to cover it. I was up in the 400 territory. I took the insulin he told me and within ten minutes I felt better and could think more clearly. It seems my pancreas is not producing insulin even with my pill medication. My endocrinologist was worried about this because of the steroids I need. He tells me that pills wont lower blood sugar if you are taking steroids. That is why he put me on insulin along with my pills. It seems that as the steroids increase the pills have less effect. I think I will soon have to go on a regiment of insulin that at I worry is going to be very expensive. So that is my day. Earlier I was foggy in my thinking, now at 6 PM I feel clear headed. Ron has so much mental degradation in his family he is terrified of it, and I admit when my thoughts get foggy due to blood sugar it is scary for me. One of the things I love most is my ability to reason, but when my blood sugar is out of whack it is like walking through waist high water and trying to run. You cannot do it well. Any way I just wanted to keep you grand viewers what is going on with me. Hugs
Hello all great people. It is 2 PM and I am finally getting to sit at the computer and share my thoughts and answer comments. Let me start by saying to ended up having to go to bed really early yesterday afternoon and stayed there until 7 this morning. So little got done yesterday.
This morning after coffee and doing some online bill paying, we decided to go to a local store and get me new sneakers. I have not had new ones in 3 or four 4 years and the sole on one of them was separating from the rest of the shoe like they were of two different political parties. So we went, I found a pair of shoes I like, was stunned at the price of nearly $100 dollars and Ron found a new shirt he liked that was sunscreen rated. Then on the way home we stopped at one of the local grocery stores so Ron could go in and get a few things. As I sat in the car, I noticed a man in a wheelchair pushing his cart up to his car. I had not noticed him before so have no idea of how long it took him or how hard the struggle but I can image it was a very hard thing trying to move your chair while pushing a full sized shopping cart. I watched him sit in his chair and reach over the top of the cart as far as he could, remove an item or small bag and turn sideways to put it in his trunk.
I watched 5 people going in each direction just walk by this man. I was stunned. These people seemed in no hurry, the ones going in had no reason not to stop or help, but they ignored him. As I started to get out of my car I noticed a car pull in next to him and a young man get out, so I thought surely a young guy will help but instead he took a nearby cart which he gave to an older man who got out of the passenger seat. They started to walk by the man in the wheelchair. I figure sure the young guy would offer to help but he never even glanced at the disabled man. I was furious.
So I got out of my car, grabbed my cane and walked over to ask the man if he would like some help. He beamed at me. He told me no one offers to help. They just walk by. He had only one leg. After we were done he thanked me and not thinking I walked back to my car. I sat down rather happy with myself and angry at other people, as I watched the man roll over to the driver’s door, open it, roll back to passenger door and open it. I thought maybe he forgot something. Then using the car door and the roof of the car he stood up, and with one hand he pushed the chair up against his leg and folded it. Then I realized what I forgot. He still had to get into the car. Shit. I watched him pick up the folded chair and push it in the back seat, then close the door and hop on one leg to the front door and ease down in the car. I never thought to ask him if he needed more help. I just took his thanks and left thinking job done. I should know better as a disabled person myself.
I am lucky I have both Ron and James to help me and we all take care of each other. I often offer to help people in stores riding the scooters get stuff, but I never asked how do they get the scooter before they enter the store? Only one local store has baggers that offer to take everyone’s cart or accompany people using scooters to their cars, all for free. I admit I watch abled bodied people take advantage with mixed feelings; I only take them up on it when I really am struggling. They refuse any tip, it is part of the service the store offers, they take the cart out and load the groceries in your car for you, rain or shine. It is Publix and I love the store. Unfortunately, they tend to have higher prices. Ron uses Publix, Winne Dixie, and Walmart. Sometimes if he gets a sale catalog, he goes to places like Save a Lot or Aldis. Ron watches the prices at each store and gets the best buys he can and so he doesn’t use Publix as much as I do as he complains about their prices. Still you cannot argue that cheerful people offering to help you with your groceries when you struggle to walk, it is a great service.
We really need to find a way to get people to see each other and have empathy again. I don’t know how to do it. But I watched able people of all ages walk right by the man in a wheelchair and not even look at him. It made me angry then, now it breaks my heart. Hugs
Hello Ali. Great points. What it comes down to is making the US schools a prison to send the kids to for 8 to 10 hours not for education, but so their parents can go to work to make profit for businesses. The kids will suffer in a stifling environment so the one problem that can be ignored is the love of easy access of guns in the US. And why is that easy access fought for and pushed, because it makes the gun industry a lot of profit. Thats the ask why three times answer. In the US it comes down to profit. People’s health doesn’t matter. Scared to go out in public, buy another gun to give the gun industry more profit because the politicians know we have to go out no matter how bad it is, we need supplies. We have to go to work. Kids have to go to school. But it doesn’t matter if some die. The profit must continue. We don’t have healthcare because it cuts into profits. We don’t have decent safety nets because it cuts into profits, we don’t have food or housing security in the US because it cuts into profit. The politicians and greedy wealthy owners of stock and companies don’t care because they know they won’t be shot, their kids won’t be shot, they won’t ever be hungry, homeless, in need. So they are humans in their minds, we are not, we are just to make them profit and disappear when we cannot function to make that profit anymore. And yes I am angry. Vote blue and vote progressives. Hugs
It is going to be a long day. I may not be at the computer much. Ron is moving better than I but not well. We both have taken the two main shots of Moldova, and the first booster. We had no negative reactions. Never bothered either of us a bit.
Yesterday we went at noon and got the second booster. By evening Ron said that the spot he got the shot was swelling and it was hurting. Mine was still OK. No problem. In the middle of the night I woke up in trouble. I was running a fever, I had chills and was shivering, my arm with the shot was swollen and hurt bad (remember I take medication for pain), and I was having body aches so bad I had to take more medication to just to stand it. Then by the time the sun came up the muscle spasms started.
Ron woke up and told me he was having the same. The good news he said he looked it up and that meant it was working for us. Really little comfort I can tell you. I am sipping my coffee and not moving much. For me sitting letting the pain medication work is the best and helping a lot, for Ron it is moving around and puttering on things. Both Ron and I are feeling better but I think it will be a long slow day for us with naps. Drinking coffee helps get rid of the chills. He says it should go away in a day or so. I still recommend the boosters just lay in a supply of feel better stuff. I will say that Odie came in during the night and moved up to my chest and pushed into me as a way to say he knew I did not feel well. But after a short while it hurt too much to have him there and I moved him to the middle / lower end of the bed. Hugs
For over a decade I signed off everything I wrote with hugs. When asked I explained that I never got touched as a child that was not to harm or hurt and so hugs without a required sexual act became a treat. But not all adults like to be hugged and some people who I left comments for seriously objected to that sign off.
The history of my hugs sign off was when I started my first blog in 2007 I found a blog by a young gay boy from Europe that always signed off every post or comment reply with hugs. When asked why he said / wrote that he wrote it was because he cared about everyone and wanted to hug them. I loved that idea.
But what caused me to stop the practice was when I was on right wing websites I would forget and sign my comments with hugs or when I wrote a business email I would forget to delete that part of the signature. Boy the extra abuse was over the top and it seemed to give the rabid right something to focus on rather than my comment. And for the business email it resulted in weird exchanges. So, I stopped.
But it constantly bothers me. Everything I write seems unfinished without a sign off. I tried a few times with “Best Wishes”. But the fact is sadly I do not wish everyone best wishes. However even an enemy I would offer a hug to.
I hate the feeling that everything I write is not finished until I add a sign off that is part of me. I am seriously thinking of going back to Hugs as my sign off. It just feels right. For the people I care for I say hugs instead of bye on the phone. I tried to break myself of that and it seems weird.
So unless there is a real valid complaint against it, I am going back to using hugs as my sign off. If I make a mistake and use it on a right wing web site, I will take the abuse. If any of you have a better idea, then please share it. If it feels as good to me as “Hugs” I will use it. Also what is wrong with the US society that consensual hugs between adults are something to be feared?
Hey everyone. An update on our car. So yesterday we got a call from Bob, a service manager, that the car was ready and to call him. Ron did not want to deal with it yesterday, so he called him this morning about 9 AM. At 9:46 I got a call from a desk person saying that Bob was busy with meetings but our car was ready and we could just come in and get it. I said but we wanted to have a meeting with Bob first. The person said she was just told us to tell us the car was ready and we could come get it. I said OK we would, but I wanted her to register with management that I was disgusted that after all this time they thought we should just come get the car like nothing had happened and no one was willing to talk to us about it or give me the detailed list of damage. At 9:50 Bob called back. He said it was not meant that way, he was busy in meetings and did not want us to think he was ignoring us and it was not meant that he wouldn’t meet with us … and so on.
I had a really bad night; I am on day three of the cold which is gone from my head but seems to have settled in my spine. I have been in a lot of pain from my stupid lifting of the bags of soda, but this morning I was really hurting.
So we told Bob that if he had time we would come in this morning. I also told him that the sales department had never contacted us, not even to say they couldn’t work anything out with us. I explained that I was really pissed at that and wouldn’t buy another vehicle from the dealership. He really was upset over that and when we met with him he showed us his texts to the person at the dealership and the assurances they would contact us. He said he was going to contact the person again and raise hell as his word was on the line and it lost the company customers.
We drove down there and turned in the Lincoln they gave us. Then we explained we were there to speak to Bob. He came out and got us. He talked to us and took us out to the car. It was a bit of a walk, and he first took us to the wrong car. It was the wrong color and model, and I was laughing. He asked what was funny and I said nice car but not ours. He laughed also. He found ours nearby. It was not a big deal. We looked over the car and talked about a lot of stuff including the value of the car and he told us something we did not know. Our car is the most sought after model in used cars and that was why he was shocked the salespeople had not contacted us. I told him how KBB had valued the car at $24,500 and he said we could get a lot more than that for it. Especially as it has low milage and is pristine inside and out.
After a while my back was getting to the point where I couldn’t stand upright and was in danger of falling. I asked if we could go back inside and sit down to keep talking as there was nothing more to be found out by looking at the car. He agreed and said his back was also bad and it was hurting him also to stand out there.
Weird thing he served in both the Army and Air Force, and I had served in the Navy and the Army. It is rare to meet someone who has done more than one branch of the military.
Back in his office he went through it all, showed us and gave to us not only the parts breakdown but the costs of the repairs. He was open and honest. Ron and I told him the history of events before he got involved and after up to the present meeting. He was very apologetic, and he offered to put it up on a lift so we could look at the underside. I told him I wouldn’t know what I was looking at and Ron who would know said it was not needed. He answered every question and spent a lot of time with us. He gave each of us his card so if we have any questions we could call him. He even talked to us about which cars were worth looking into and what Ford cars to avoid. As we were checking out, he came up and gave us a bunch of Ford stuff like hats, key rings, and other things. He also asked again if I minded if he contacted the sales department because he felt that they wronged us and him, and he did not like that. Ron was like why bother but I said yes if they call me I might feel more inclined to buy a car from the dealership but if they did not, I wouldn’t ever buy a car from them again and listed nearby Ford dealerships I would look into.
By this time my back had gone from hurting to super painful. I couldn’t stand sitting in the chair in his office but when I went to stand up Ron had to help me. Then on the trip home while the firm seat back felt good against my back every bump, slow down, acceleration, lane switch caused me such pain I was near tears as we were near the store we had planned to get subs from. Instead Ron brought me home. Once home I took an extra morphine and two tramadol. I am still in pain but the medication has dulled the super sharp pain now at an hour plus 30 minutes after taking them. I can think better again. The pain was so bad I was almost crying, it was hard to think, and even breathing made it worse. Ron has decided that I have to schedule the spine shots even though it will cost $300 dollars. We had a lot of bills hit in February and March so I thought we couldn’t afford the shots. But while it is not something I am willing to do every two months we can afford it every 4 to 6 months. And the doctor says I need them, and my body says I need them.
Ron went out and opened the hood and did some minor vacuuming of the vent trays. Everything he looked at looked very good to him. I had asked Bob why the car was in the paint shop, and he explained that the fenders and other parts are neutral color to be painted the color of the car they are going on. Everything looks great. The only concern I have is on the way home a person cut us off by moving from the far left lane into the side of our car in the middle lane continuing to the far right lane. Ron hit the brakes and blew the horn which the person in the car did not care about, but the sensors never registered the near collision. We also noticed that the Lane Assist system had trouble picking up the lane markings which it always did before. Ron will call Bob in a bit. I had hoped the car adventure was over, but it seems to be there are a few more chapters to be written.
I can’t win for losing these days. I was not feeling right the last couple days. But did not feel bad. Ron felt bad two days ago and yesterday realized he had a cold. Too late, we tend to share everything thing. He has been out to the stores every day for a week or more. Four days ago he turned down an isle of the grocery store and there was an older couple with a young grandchild right in front of him. The boy was sneezing, coughing, and wiping his nose on his shirt. Ron got out of there quick, but we think the germs were quicker. So he was out of action yesterday. But other than feeling not quite right I was doing OK. Not so this morning. I woke to the grand feeling of a head cold. I am lucky I have an inhaler designed to dry up my sinuses if I have a bad allergy attack. I took it this morning and it is working so I can breathe. But the snot and phlegm that I had to deal with. Yuck. Ron stayed in bed until late. He got up and is not any better but says he doesn’t feel well enough to even sit down so he is doing odds and ends in the kitchen. Both of us are sucking coffee for the sore throat. Posting may be normal or less depending on how I feel. I may sit here and just post, I may just watch videos, or I may go to bed. The world will have to run a few days without my supervision.
Scottie's Playtime 