Wow I am so glad I listened … sort of. I guess I screwed up some. I will do better from now on.

So I read all the advice on my stepper work out post. I did listen … sort of. I wish right now I had listened to the advice better. Several people said to do 2 minutes and then 12 hours later or the next day to do 2 minutes more.

Today was the day I wanted to do legs, tomorrow will be arms with light weights, as Sunday is the day for heavy ones. So I did two minutes like people advised. I waited 30 minutes and did not feel any issues, so I did another 2 minutes. Then I sat down at my desk and sharpened the house knives. It took a while. Then I made supper in the deep frier of breaded chicken strips and french fries. By the time I got halfway through frying the food, I was struggling to bend my legs as my thighs felt like tree trunks. I did not tell Ron as I put the food away and came into my office. I had already taken my evening morphines, muscle relaxers, and 800 mg Ibuprofen. And my legs still hurt. They ache.

I am sitting at my desk and my legs feel like they can’t fit inside my pant legs. As I sit they are better bent as if I stretch them out it hurts more.

Ok I goofed, you all can say I told you so. I thought since the first two minutes did not seem to cause pain I could do another 2 minutes. I know it was suggested at least 12 hours before doing more. I can clearly see I will have to do that at least if not wait longer. I guess I want to get healthier faster and I can see there is not going to be a shortcut with this. This is going to take far longer than even I had thought it would.

So I will wait two days, then do 2 minutes on the stepper then put it away for the next couple of days. Then do two more minutes. As several said and Ten Bears reminded me he had advised me about before, this is a slow process that I can not make go at the speed I would wish it to. Not and do it correctly and keep from being in pain. I just took a 15 mg instant morphine my legs hurt so bad. Ok I fucked up … again. But I just wanted my leg muscles to fill out again so I can walk and do stuff. Hugs

Hair during childhood

I have very few photos of me as a child. I only have these few. I wish I had more. I did have a small book given to me by someone who knew my adopting adults but hurricane Ian took them from me and I did not have them saved digitally. Notice that until I was 17 and in the church boarding school was I allowed to have long hair. Hair was used as a way to set me apart from other kids, to reenforce the idea that I was less than the others, I was the one to be hurt and used. As I have mentioned while the other kids could have their hair the current style I was required to have my hair as short as possible. When I was young my adopting father cut it himself and would often leave bald spots and make it as ugly as possible. Hugs

Me at 7 months

These two pictures below I do not know how old I am, but again notice the hair. In the top picture we are at the large farm my grandparents owned. It was a place the entire family gathered at holidays. I was happy to be outside because inside the big farm house with a dozen bedrooms I was constantly being raped or made to please “my” siblings, cousins, and uncles. Even at that age of 4 or 5 I was no stranger to the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that started at age 3. The clothing was always decent when we were there, to be taken from me once we left. At the farm house I had food to eat when hungry, and grandmother was always talking to me, hugging me, and just letting me stay near her. No one yelled at me even though I was scared of some of the adult men. But when we left the good times stopped and the abuse began.

The lower one I think was taken after we have had moved to the small cow town to evade the abuse charges against the adults. I think this might have been my second grade school photo. By now the light was going from my eyes and I learned not to talk. I simply looked at everyone as possibly the next one I would have to “make happy” or perform for. It was now happening at school, by the one of the town police officers, and of course at home. My siblings would drug me and take me to parties or simply have them at the house we lived in and I would be a party favor.

In this picture below I am about 11 or 12. I am about to go to be taken somewhere to some event to be displayed. I think it might have been to church where for a while the adopting adult female and her daughters were going to hopefully to buy their way past their guilts. The pastor there was regularly abusing me, I have talked about that before. I was grateful he only wanted to play with my nude body or have me suck him, never put something in my butt as normally I would have been raped at least once before getting ready for church. By now I had no fight left in me. Notice the always long sleeves to cover the marks and bruises and the long pants to cover the welts and marks. Again notice the short hair at a time when longer flowing hair was being worn by boys my age in school. This would have been in the early 1970s. By now at this age I had accepted I was a toy to be used or displayed, moved and directed by them. I had no agency, no authority, no say in my life. My retreat was in my head, the place I lived, the dreams and stories I told myself that no one else could hear.

Below is me at 18 at the church boarding school. This is the first time in my life I was allowed to grow my hair out. The adopting adults hated it. The adopting adult female constantly bitching and insulting me over. At this point the adopting male refused to speak to me or be in any room I was in if I had to be at their home during the school year. I tried to remain at the school as much as possible.

Below is me at age 23 or early 24 when I had just gotten out of the military. I had already started to let my hair grow over my ears. This was the way I kept my hair most of my life just longer on the sides and back. Parted on the left and swept to the right. Hugs

This is me at age 23 or early 24 when I had just gotten out of the military. I had already started to let my hair grow over my ears. This was the way I kept my hair most of my life just longer on the sides and back. Parted on the left and swept to the right. Hugs

Last pictures of me bald

Recently I shaved my head due to frustration managing my hair. But Ron told me a few days ago that he did not like the bald look and would really like me to grow my hair back. So these are the last pictures I took of me bald. Hugs

New punishment device, a stepper thingy. I could use your advice.

So below I will add the pictures of the torture device my husband insisted I needed. We have not been walking like we used to. There seems to always be a reason why but my husband worries about how thin my legs have gotten and that I have started to have swollen ankles and feet sitting at my desk so much. So

we got this device.

Now comes the punishment part. The first time I tried it I did 3 sets of 5 minutes of stepping, rested 10 minutes between sets. Two or three hours later as I was doing the dishes my legs started to really hurt and get stiff. I couldn’t bend my legs. My thighs were swollen. I was in agony so bad I couldn’t finish the dishes. I have not used it since. Can anyone tell me the proper amount of time to use it and how many minutes to rest between and how many sets to do. Thanks. I do want to get healthy and build back up my legs that have atrophied but I don’t want to die doing it. Hugs

Scary blood sugar crash

We got up and before breakfast we went to Home Depot to get the decking we needed for the small bathroom rebuild. Going Sunday morning at 7:30 and the roads were empty and the store almost was. It only took us an hour and I was home in time for the Sunday news shows. Ron made us waffles which I have been wanting for a while. But my stomach is so small now I could only eat one. I did have real maple syrup on it as that is what I grew up eating and love. But as my blood sugar was so low this morning at 82 I did not take any fast acting insulin which I am to do before a meal depending on blood sugar.

So I was doing my blogging and a small bit of laundry and at 1:45 PM after starting the washer I noticed I was sweating everywhere, arms, head, neck, legs, feet. I knew that feeling. I was starting to shake worse than normal for me. I was getting very confused. I staggered to my Pink Place to my blood kit. I was 52. That is very low but I have been lower. I have woken up at 40 before. But this time was different. I got so confused. My head was in a fog. I couldn’t think what to do to. I struggled to the fridge to get cheese which really wouldn’t have helped but my brain was thinking cheese and crackers. As I was struggling to stand and get stuff Ron walked by in the other room. I called out to him and croaked I needed him. He came up the stairs and yelped, he got me to a chair and asked what was wrong. Blood sugar I mumbled, he went to the table next to us and got the tube of sugar tablets, putting one in my hand helping me get it to my mouth. At this point I was losing it, no coordination and no thoughts, just listening and doing. I put the first one in my mouth but just sort of stopped. He raised his voice and told me to chew it, chew the tablet. I did. Then he gave me another one, then one more. I started to clear up. He then demanded I have something, cheese and crackers or flavored Cheese Its.

He told me I was on the verge of going out and he would have had to call for emergency help. He is still shaken. I feel fine but he is worried about what he calls the rebound. But the thing is now that I am clear headed I understand what happened. I was in the bedroom where we have two tubes of the glucose tablets one on each side of our bed. But I was so confused I couldn’t think or function. What is weird about this is I don’t take any other diabetes medications. I only take insulin and that is because when I have my steroid shots it is only insulin that lowers the blood sugar. So I did not expect a crash like this. Anyway, it was scary for me. I have so much more I want to post but I need to take a break for a while. Hugs

A wonderful romantic night

Hello everyone. I have slowed down posting about Ron and myself other than the home repairs. Some because I have been so tired and worn out from trying to help Ron as he worked on the new bathrooms by doing as much housework as I could around the house. But I Ron realized I was trying so hard to pitch in to help as he did the remodeling that I was getting sick / ill. He has been insisting and pushing me to not help so much. But yesterday was grand.

We had a small supper of a few hotdogs with homemade chili. I ate one. Then we picked everything up and went to bed together. We had “quality time” if you can read between the lines. Then we cuddled back and forth and fell asleep in each other’s arms. Then at around 1:20 am we both woke up to urinate … it is an old man thing. But we started talking and I was hungry as I felt my blood sugar was dropping bad. He was also hungry. So I suggested that we get up and have waffles with him showing me how to use the waffle maker. So we got up in our birthday suit to come from the bedroom to the kitchen and learned that the stuff to make a good waffle meal we did not have. So I offered to make a scrambled egg, link sausage, ham steak, and toast meal. We had the stuff but it was more than we had planned for that time. I thought he would just want to go back to bed. But he agreed. He offered to do it, but I felt I wanted to.

I got 6 eggs out, and I use a sharp knife using the sharp edge to snap the eggshell to break open the eggshells with no fragments in the bowls. Then I add a small amount of water to add fluffy ness to them. We had 6 frozen sausage links which I fried and the ham steak. I fried the sausage and ham, then I did the eggs.

Everything came out perfect and Ron was so impressed that as he ate he told me it was the most wonderful midnight meal he had ever had. I admit I had only one sausage, a quarter of the ham steak, And only one of my two pieces of toast. Ron ate the rest including my sausage, rest of my ham steak, and my second piece of toast. I was so happy and full but so tired. I picked stuff up while Ron sat in his chair and then we decided to go back to bed. I was willing as I was very happy as my belly was full and everything seemed wonderful.

Then as we laid there cuddling talking about things … Ron made me very happy with a second quality time event. He asked me … how could I refuse. I was so spent and happy … that we slept in the next morning with him still in my arms.

Today I have had little time for the blog. I did get time to add more stuff to my cartoon / meme / news item post. But mostly while Ron rested and worked on the new bathroom I did the dishes, started / did laundry, and took care of the house stuff. But all day Ron has been so concerned for my health he has tried to keep me from doing stuff, wanting me to just take the entire day off and rest. I so love that man. For supper he made me a stir fry meal with both thick noodles and angel hair pasta. I love it. I do miss the Chinese take out we sometimes still order because I love the hot / sour soup.

won’t be posting much today.

I am writing this on my IPad. They turned the power off to the house to replace the main box pedestal holding the meters. They said it would take between 4 to 6 hours but then we have to go to home depot and lowes to look at new toilets. I was in the middle of writing a post when they shut the power off. I have back up batteries for the modem and router and two much bigger one for the computers. How ever with everything connected to them they have a run time of only 72 minutes. Because I plug a lot more into them than just the computers. I have the sound systems, the powered USB hubs, the set up that powers the extra drives I have. Plus a few smaller items. Like I said we use a lot of power here in this home. I have left the the modem and the router on to see how long they will go on their back up battery. Hugs

The last few days and the next few.

The last few days I have been trying to help Ron as he took drywall and cabinets down to move the wall between the bathrooms. I am terribly bruised and Ron wants me to tell everyone that may see them that he did not cause them. He is worried that if my doctors see all these bruises, marks, and cuts that they will ask me the question we were required to keep asking in the hospital … do you feel safe at home? He is terrified that one of my providers will suspect him of abusing me. No it is that my health is so fragile that I bruise easily and helping him as best I can leave me marked.

Today Ron slept until 8:30 am. I had made it a thing that if the shopping included more than 5 items we went together. Since we both had to shower, it was late when we got to it. So we did a quick shop and tomorrow will be the big shop at multiple stores which will exhaust me. Ron wanted to me to make a spaghetti red sauce so he could use the ravioli he bought and eat up the leftover pasta. But at the same time due to the work on the house, normal chores that wear me out such as laundry which I am trying to do, and I am going to be too tired to really post. I am struggling to finish this. I will be able to click and paste, I will be able to watch videos, but serious thinking, answering comments I will try but doubt I will make much head way. Best wishes for all, loves and hugs for those that wish it. I am almost too tired to eat and I have not eaten yet today. Hugs

Some new pictures of me

As most people here knows, forced short hair was a punishment and way to make me an outcast in my childhood / growing up. It was not until I got to the church boarding school that I was allowed to grow my hair out as the rest of the kids had. As soon as I returned to the hell home of my youth that normal length hair was gone, again even at 18 I had no say in how long my hair was. I went into the navy soon after. Then the Army. When I got out of the military I again got a job requiring a more shorter hair cut and no beard. As soon as I left that environment I grew my hair out to a more 1970 /1980s I was never allowed to have. At some point I grew a beard. Ron loved that look. In 2019 I notice what seemed to be an explosion of everyone now trying to wear a beard. Especially young people who it seemed couldn’t really do it. So I shave it off. I really do hate to be part of a clone look. I prefer people to express themselves as they really feel is them. Not part of a cloned crowd of what is expected to be the norm. Then Covid happened and I stopped getting my hair cut, letting it grow to as long as it could.

But due to my medications and over all health, my long hair got ever thinner and brittle. It was breaking and unable to be controlled without putting it into restraints. Even in a “pigtail” it would break off. I got tired of fighting it. Ron got looking at pictures of me before when I had shorter hair and my beard. He showed it to me and told me how much he loved that look on me. OK I agreed. The clone look had faded and I let him cut my hair and I grew my beard. I wanted the 1970s / 1980s swept back shoulder length covering the ears look. He cut it too short and it upset me. Plus because of how thin it was I couldn’t control it from just falling straight down into my face and eyes. Even with product or hair spray it couldn’t be controlled.

I got really tired and upset with. Ron wanted me to just let it grow if it would. But again due to medications, I take testosterone for my bones and mental health among other reasons, so it destroys the hair follicles on a guy’s head. But it also makes hair grow everywhere else. So I went from great hair on my head but less hair elsewhere before the drug, to three years later being a hairy bear everywhere but my head.

Now the pictures below are not as closely shaved as I want it and will get it to. Ron kept taking small amounts off at a time hoping I would say no please stop. But I got frustrated with this approach and by the time he got to the scalp the damn clippers were so hot they were burning my skin. Then he tried to shave it with a razor but it was too long to get as close as I wanted to a bald head. But my scalp was getting very irritated by then.

This morning I went over the stubble and got it much closer to bald skin. But I wanted to get the first pictures out as soon as possible, so these will do. Just know the slight stubble is already gone and when my news shows are over I will shave it entirely to the scalp. As always I would like your opinions, good, bad, and even ugly. It won’t change my opinion of what I want to look like, nor of how I feel about anyone. For example yesterday Ron hated it and couldn’t really look at it. This morning he says he likes it a lot better than when it first was cut it. Hugs

Silenced! A South Korean Film

As most know I have had a rough few days. And I decided as I worked around the house and did stuff I needed something very not news in my head. I told my computer to find me coming of age young people figuring out they were gay. There are great short movies out there by people who lived through it and while some have the same trope, some have really good takes. I never got that chance in my life so I enjoy those movies and cheer for the kids that come together and find themselves at the end. Ok it is not Picard but it is also the kind of things you don’t need to watch as you work to enjoy the story. Then life decided to kick me in the balls.

Then the trailer for the movie silenced came to my ears. I heard it, then rushed to my computers to see what was happening. I watched the trailer. Oh shit … my mind spiraled. Everything I was going through up until then crashed on me … and I clicked on the link. And watched even more screen takes.

While I was crying everything that happened next is entirely my fault. I looked up where you can watch this documentary. This documentary of kids being abused … and getting their day in court. That was what I desperately wanted to see. Them win in court. But sadly two days later I can not get there. And I doubt I ever will, not unless I can get past the abuse. Ron commented I did not seem like myself and have not seemed to be sleeping well, not like I have been for a while. The pictures in my head, the screenshots of memories repeating over and over … no I am not sleeping well.

See the movie beginning details the death of a 5 / 6 year old boy who walks out in front of a moving train, which if you watch long enough you find that the boy had watched his brother beaten for trying to protect him from rape, been repeatedly raped, then his brother raped. The movie makes it even worse because the bath the younger boy got while nude … I got that same damn bath. The soap, the hands, the attention paid … it is all too damn real to me.

And then goes on to mix the new teacher with flashbacks to the rape of a 6 yr girl he interrupted not knowing he had. He witnesses the repeated beatings of a boy that turns out to be the brother that killed himself and he was repeatedly being raped that the teacher finally stops using violence himself. Totally against their societal norms. The reasons for the beatings become clear. The boy tries to resist being repeatedly sexually abused.

At that point I checked out. Lost in time and space in my own mind. I came back to my own mind with the computer player paused and Ron knocking on my office door asking if I wanted supper. I told him no and did not tell him about the video. Then two nights of bad sleep, still have not told him.

I want to finish the movie, I want to see these kids win. But the court part of it which is next will have to include their abuse, the rapes, forced oral sex. Right now I can’t do that. I can’t. I am sorry I know it is a movie but it is a documentary and these kids did go through this. I went through this. So I closed the player a few minutes ago and won’t be opening it for a while. Back to listening to podcasts of news and watching videos of what tRump is doing. As weird as it is to say … it is far less stressful to me than that movie. Sadly now my YouTube feed has a few abuse videos so I have to ignore the suggested and only watch the ones on my subscribed listed. Now you know why the last few days have been a struggle for me. Hugs

As I was checking this Ron knocked on my closed office door. He came over and held his arms out and slowly reached around me to hug me. He asked me if I was OK, that I had been a bit strange lately. I told him I was fine and loved him, just a bit tired. He replied he couldn’t have done the work the last few days without me … which is weird as I can’t help much other than fetch needed tools and parts and the occasional flashlight. But when he came in the room I quickly turned this page to another tab. That means he knows something is wrong and I am not hiding it well enough. So I have to forget the documentary and everything in my past again as best I can.

What I wanted this post to be about was why the hell do I even read this stuff, watch these things. I have to know they will trigger me. Yet it is like a moth to a flame. It is why I had to leave the Male Survivor site. Every story I read and replied to became somehow ingrained in me because some aspect of what they wrote I went through. I started to describe the many ways those posts are me and what I went through … I got five or six sentences in when I realized I was spiraling down again. Let just say it was too many who had parts of my abuse and added together it becomes a whole, and I couldn’t keep putting myself there even to help others. I can not help others if I am wallowing in my own suffering. It was destroying me.

It is why I could listen to Kamyk and help him night after night after night, because our abuse was so different. He was a kidnaped victim for three months for ritualistic abuse. Mine was a long slog from when I was 3 until the last time one of the hell spawn raped me repeatedly at 24. So 21 years of violence and physical abuse. Anyway. I am tired. I am going to answer comments until Ron is ready for bed. Lately he has wanted to cuddle a lot which I really like. Be safe everyone. Hugs