I use NordVPN and have for years. They are hyper secure, lots of sites worldwide, and they do not log or record user data. The VPN also has its own security built in for detecting and blocking Malware and other threats. It works. Plus it has the kill switch mentioned in the article. When I first got it VPNs were new and expensive. The price has dropped way down. I wouldn’t dream of going online with it. Hugs
But will users of the surfing services face more exposure than they expect?
Demand for virtual private network (VPN) services surged in Florida after Pornhub shut down access in the state. But cybersecurity experts say Floridians using VPNs may find more exposure than they desire.
A report by vpnMentor found the interest in VPNs skyrocketed as the internet’s leading pornography publisher publicly punished states over age verification policies. No state witnessed greater enlargement than Florida, where VPN interest jumped by 1,150% immediately after Pornhub started limiting access on Jan. 1.
“This surge in VPN usage suggests users are circumventing the IP-block and accessing Pornhub (and other restricted websites) through IPs where the block is not implemented,” a report reads.
Pornhub beginning Jan. 1 prohibited users in Florida from accessing pornographic content on the site. A video now greets Florida porn consumers trying to access the site and urges them to contact state lawmakers to object to age verification requirements. The state imposed a requirement for third-party age verification on publishers of content “harmful to minors,” with rules in effect as of the beginning of 2025.
But VPNs allow users to work around geo-blocking measures, including those used by Pornhub, to restrict traffic from certain states. Sports fans have for years used such services to evade regional broadcast rights restrictions.
The vpnMentor report also mentions other contributors to a surge in demand for restriction-dodging technologies. Use of VPNs soared nationwide when a U.S. TikTok ban briefly went into effect this month.
But the researchers found interest in the location-masking software went up disproportionately in 17 states where Pornhub now limits access. They based findings on state-by-state search volume, web traffic and clicks to downloads for VPN services.
Florida’s 11-fold spike led all other states. In South Carolina and Tennessee, where Pornhub limited access the same day as in the Sunshine State, VPN demand jumped 171% and 40%, respectively.
Other states with content throttled also saw mass interest in VPNs. In Oklahoma, where Pornhub announced a ban in October, demand spiked by 1,060%. In Utah, where Pornhub blocked access in mid-2023, VPN demand rose by 967%.
In Louisiana, where Pornhub allows access but other publishers restricted visits after age verification states went into effect in 2022, VPN demand leapt by 200%
Of note, Pornhub saw a significant decline in U.S. traffic last year regardless of VPN usage. Researchers found 15 million fewer visits to the website from U.S. users (or at least those with U.S. IP addresses). But that likely matters little to the publisher as traffic to the site exceeded 1.8 billion visits before the end of 2024. The website continues to have around 500 million more visitors than its closest competitor, XVideos.
While Florida users may turn to VPN services to bypass Pornhub’s gateway restrictions, that brings certain unsafe surfing risks.
Many VPN services lack the same security of major internet providers. In 2023, vpnMentor reported that a cybersecurity security researcher had found 360 million records leaked online after a breach of SuperVPN users’ data. The records included passwords, email addresses, personal financial information and personal content from individuals’ personal devices.
The report recommends users only employ VPNs with strong encryption services, an enforced policy not to log personal data from users, a “kill switch” feature that automatically disconnects users from the internet if a VPN connection drops, and a built-in DNS leak protection.
GLAAD: “President Trump claims to be a strong proponent of freedom of speech, yet he is clearly committed to censorship of any information containing or related to LGBTQ Americans and issues that we face. This action proves the Trump administration’s goal of making it as difficult as possible for LGBTQ Americans to find federal resources or otherwise see ourselves reflected under his presidency. Sadly for him, our community is more visible than ever; and this pathetic attempt to diminish and remove us will again prove unsuccessful.”
(January 21, 2025 — New York, NY) — Today GLAAD, the world’s largest lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) media advocacy organization, is breaking news that the Trump administration has eliminated nearly all LGBTQ and HIV focused content and resources from the White House website, as well as eliminated LGBTQ and HIV content from key federal agency webpages.
Mentions of “lesbian,” “bisexual,” “gay,” “transgender,” “sexual orientation,” “gender identity,” and related terms are no longer accessible on WhiteHouse.gov, and the search term “LGBTQ” now brings up zero results on the site. In addition, some LGBTQ-specific pages have been taken down from the Centers for Disease Control, Department of State, and more. GLAAD will continue to monitor federal agency websites in the coming days and weeks to track any LGBTQ-related webpage takedowns.
GLAAD’s President and CEO Sarah Kate Ellis (she/her) released the following statement: “President Trump claims to be a strong proponent of freedom of speech, yet he is clearly committed to censorship of any information containing or related to LGBTQ Americans and issues that we face. This action proves the Trump administration’s goal of making it as difficult as possible for LGBTQ Americans to find federal resources or otherwise see ourselves reflected under his presidency. Sadly for him, our community is more visible than ever; and this pathetic attempt to diminish and remove us will again prove unsuccessful.”
GLAAD created an archive of mentions of LGBTQ terms and terms related to HIV on the White House website and other major federal government websites in anticipation of Trump’s second term. GLAAD broke the news about tracking these webpages’ in a story written by the Washington Bladehere. GLAAD previously monitored and broke the same story during President Trump’s first term.
In his inaugural address yesterday, Trump stated: “This week, I will also end the government policy of trying to socially engineer race and gender into every aspect of public and private life. We will forge a society that is color-blind and merit-based. As of today, it will henceforth be the official policy of the United States government that there are only two genders: male and female.… And I will sign an order to stop our warriors from being subjected to radical political theories and social experiments while on duty. It’s going to end immediately. Our armed forces will be freed to focus on their sole mission—defeating America’s enemies.”
About GLAAD: GLAAD rewrites the script for LGBTQ acceptance. As a dynamic media force, GLAAD tackles tough issues to shape the narrative and provoke dialogue that leads to cultural change. GLAAD protects all that has been accomplished and creates a world where everyone can live the life they love. For more information, please visit www.glaad.org or connect @GLAAD on social media.
Ice given unprecedented authority to expedite deportations as US cities face raids and troops arrive at US-Mexico border
A person sits inside an Immigration and Customs Enforcement contractor building in Chicago, Illinois, on Thursday. Photograph: Erin Hooley/AP
Trump gives Ice power to deport immigrants who came legally under Biden
Ice given unprecedented authority to expedite deportations as US cities face raids and troops arrive at US-Mexico border
The Trump administration is issuing a new round of heavy-handed measures that could rapidly deport immigrants who entered the United States through recently established legal pathways, according to an internal Department of Homeland Security memo obtained the New York Times.
The directive, signed by the acting homeland security secretary, Benjamine Huffman, grants Immigration and Customs Enforcement (Ice) officials unprecedented authority to expedite deportations for immigrants who entered the country with government authorization through two key Biden-era programs.
These programs, which have allowed more than a million immigrants to enter the country since 2023, had provided scheduling for migrants or asylum seekers through the government-run app CBP One or temporary legal status for up to two years through a parole program for certain countries.
US asylum seekers in despair after Trump cancels CBP One app: ‘Start from zero again’
Read more
The newly reported memo instructs Ice officials to identify and potentially rapidly deport immigrants who have been in the country for over a year and have not yet applied for asylum, in effect sidestepping traditional immigration court proceedings.
In no waste of time, Trump’s press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, posted on X on Friday: “Deportation flights have begun,” accompanied by official pictures of people boarding a military-style aircraft.
Despite such flights being routine under successive administrations, the White House is promoting such images strongly and also deployed troops to the border late on Thursday, including US marines arriving in Boeing Osprey aircraft in California.
The developments come as so-called sanctuary cities like Chicago, Newark and Denver are experiencing direct impacts of the administration’s hardline immigration stance. In Newark, Mayor Ras Baraka condemned a small-scale local Ice raid on Thursday that he claimed resulted in the detention of both undocumented residents and citizens – including a US military veteran.
And Denver’s mayor, Mike Johnston, told CNN the city would cooperate with Ice to deport “violent criminals”, but pushed back against arrests in schools and churches.
A DHS spokesperson defended the new policies, writing in a statement that “Criminals will no longer be able to hide in America’s schools and churches to avoid arrest,” and that the administration “trusts law enforcement to use common sense”.
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has already challenged the policy in federal court, with the senior staff attorney Anand Balakrishnan characterizing the approach as a “mass deportation agenda” that circumvents constitutional due process.
Stephen Miller, a key architect of Trump’s hardline immigration policies, has been vocal in his opposition to the immigration programs of the last administration, previously criticizing the admission of immigrants from what he termed “failed states”.
Thousands who had received or were waiting for CBP One appointments south of the border were left devastated this week after the app was abruptly shut down moments after Trump was sworn in, while those already in the country using the app and who were preparing to apply for asylum may now be in the line of fire.
Later on Friday, the Trump administration followed up, announcing that it was expanding a fast-track deportation authority nationwide, allowing immigration officers to deport people without appearing before a judge.
The administration said it was expanding the use of “expedited removal” authority so it can be used across the country, in a notice in the Federal Register outlining the new rules.
“Expedited removal” gives enforcement agencies broad authority to deport people without requiring them to appear before an immigration judge. There are limited exceptions, including if they express fear of returning home and pass an initial screening interview for asylum.
Critics have said there is too much risk that people who have the right to be in the country will be mistakenly swept up by agents and officers and that not enough is done to protect immigrants who have genuine reason to fear being sent home.
The powers were created under a 1996 law. But these powers were not widely used until 2004, when homeland security said it would use expedited removal authority for people arrested within two weeks of entering the US by land and caught within 100 miles of the border. That meant it was used mostly against immigrants recently arrived in the country.
In the notice on Friday the administration said the authority could be used across the country and would go into effect immediately.
The notice said the person put into expedited removal “bears the affirmative burden to show to the satisfaction of an immigration officer” that they have the right to be in the US.
I want to thank Ten Bears who also had this in his post. I am not sure if I can find it again but I will put a link below to his main channel if I can find the specific post. I also had it in my list to post but as he got it done first I wanted to give him credit along with Joe My God.
When people tell / prove to you who they are believe them the first time. Republicans are totally in to gaslighting, changing reality from what is real and happened to what will help keep them in power, and they feel keeping the power of their seats in congress / their job is worth more than the people of this country or protecting the country. They are out for themselves and what they can milk from the job for their family wealth. For the republicans and some democrats it has long stopped being about leading the country to a better place, to securing the needs of the people, providing for the good of the people as the constitution requires of them. They see being elected as a golden ticket to wealth and power. So if being a Nazi is the way to that they will do it, if agreeing with the demented mentally deficient convicted felon in all his absurd whims is how they need to keep that golden ticket they will do it no matter who it hurts or the consequences. Hugs.
The Tennessee Federation of Republican Women is coming under fire for providing parents a reading list for children that cites Adolf Hitler as an example of leadership. “Hitler and all intelligent leaders throughout history have understood that the way to change a country was through the training of its youth, to get them while they are young,” the group’s reading list says.
The list is titled “Growing American Patriots Through Literacy” and posted on the group’s website. “How do we make the changes necessary?” the reading list says, just before the Hitler quote. “Proverbs 22:6 teaches us that if ‘we train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.’” The books suggested include “Camilla Can Vote” by Sen. Marsha Blackburn and “A is for Abigail: An Almanac of Amazing Americans” by Lynne Cheney.
Read the full article. The group’s president, Sharon Boreing [photo above], is not returning calls from reporters.
The Tennessee Federation of Republican Women is coming under fire for providing parents a reading list for children that cites Adolf Hitler as an example of leadership. https://t.co/QsRL8NCZ0k
Coulrophobia (COOl-ruh-FOE-bee-uh) is a fear (phobia) of clowns. Children and adults who fear clowns may experience extreme reactions when they see clowns in person or view pictures or videos of clowns. Someone with a fear of clowns is coulrophobic.
When I was young, my great thrill was Hellraiser. I didn’t understand the movie at all, I was too young to get the points, but the images were mindboggling frightening even though I knew they were fake movie magic. But in my mind they could be real, and that was all that mattered. I put away my incredulity for the thrill of the emotion.
Like many people, it wasn’t that I was afraid so much, but that I wasn’t! I was thrilled, scared, laughing that I survived it like a near miss from a speeding bus and I wanted to feel that thrill again. I wanted my friends to know how brave I was, how I could look into the face of destruction and laugh.
In point of fact, it was actually a movie by Michael Keaton that I found the most frightening thing I’ve ever watched as a movie. Pacific Heights was horror show for me as it showed a nice couple building a home and renting out apartments, only for one man to come along with a plan of greed, terrorism and theft seeking to steal what they worked so hard to make.
He seemed like a straight forward person, if a somewhat intense and a bit strange individual. There were no drooling fangs or chainsaws, and that violation of what seems safe frightened me more than I can say. It was realistic. It was very very possible. And worse, the homeowner’s destruction came at their own actions. Here I am in my later 50’s and it still bothers me. I won’t watch the movie again.
In the same way I found such fear in Michael Keaton’s character in Pacific Heights, the fear of clowns stems from the unpredictable nature they represent. Their image says one thing, their actions say another, but somewhere inside exists a nature that makes no sense. Are they a sad clown, a happy clown, a juggler? You just never know until a comically oversized cleaver guts you and he plays with your innards. Too dark? They laugh at your surprise, they mock your confusion, they change reality on a whim and you never know if they are lying or not.
It is that element of unpredictability that frightens many of us while emboldening others like a rollercoaster ride of “what if”.
I have made it into my 50’s without the fear of clowns, but that has changed. I don’t know what the clowns will do. Will it simply be uncomfortable, embarassing, or physically and financially devastating.
No matter how popular the clown is, he is still a clown. But, we have lost the ability to fear the unknown because the clown told us we were the smart ones. We lost the ability to fear the results of thrill seeking because the clown told us the people who warn us about it were fake. We don’t care about the truth because the truth isn’t near as fun as the power the lies give us. Us? Who is the “us”?
It is my belief and opinion that this latest group of clowns are seeking to pillage the money from the taxpayers and destroy the services the government provides the middle and lower class citizens. For anecdotal proof I offer Louis DeJoy, the postmaster Trump emplaced who set out to ruin the post office by publicly destroying the irreplaceable sorting machines, underpaying the workers and refusing to fill vacant needed positions, only to have the Republicans in Congress question him on why he can’t run the post office efficiently and speculate it should be abolished. These people worship power as their god and crave money as their drug, they think long-term gains and have no compunctions on who they hurt to take what they want. Many of Trump’s first acts have been to remove the inspector generals, to emplace the easily manipulated and underqualified, line edit off the constitution and flaunt the rule of law while the fools cheer.
Hugs All. Randy
Here’s the latest on key Trump picks to join his administration care of The Hill:
Confirmed
Secretary of State: Marco Rubio
The Senate unanimously confirmed former Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) as America’s 72nd secretary of State.
The vote came in on Trump’s inauguration day, cementing the first member of the president’s Cabinet just as he assumed office.
Rubio’s seat in the Senate will be filled by Florida Attorney General Ashley Moody.
CIA Director: John Ratcliffe
John Ratcliffe, Trump’s former director of national intelligence, will lead the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) in his second term.
After a largely cordial hearing, the Senate Intelligence Committee advanced his nomination with a 14-3 vote. The full chamber confirmed him 74-25, as 21 members who caucus with Democrats voted alongside every present Republican.
After Rubio, Ratcliffe’s confirmation puts half of Trump’s national security team in place in his first week in office.
That sets up a likely Friday evening final confirmation vote.
Republican Sens. Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Susan Collins (Maine) voted against Hegseth.
Hegseth was the first of Trump’s Cabinet picks to appear before a Senate committee in the week ahead of his inauguration. The former Fox News host has been one of the president’s most controversial choices, drawing sharp criticism from Democrats over his qualifications, views on women in combat and allegations of infidelity and excessive drinking, which he denies.
Homeland Security secretary: Kristi Noem
South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R), Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Homeland Security, went before senators last week after an initial delay to her hearing.
Noem has been vocal about immigration and border issues, though the Mount Rushmore State is far from the U.S-Mexico line. She was floated as a possible running mate for Trump before a controversial anecdote from her memoir appeared to dull her chances.
The Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee on Monday advanced Noem by a largely bipartisan 13-2 vote. Senate Republicans hoped to confirm her the week of Trump’s inauguration, and a cloture vote is expected Friday evening.
Office of Management and Budget director: Russel Vought
Russell Vought is on track to be Trump’s next director of the Office of Management and Budget, reprising first-term role.
Democrats grilled Vought during in two hearings about his ties to Project 2025, the conservative Heritage Foundation’s blueprint for a second Trump term.
The Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee voted 8-7 on Monday to advance the would-be budget chief. He also went before the Senate Budget Committee on Wednesday.
Treasury secretary: Scott Bessent
Scott Bessent, the billionaire founder and CEO of hedge fund Key Square Group, is Trump’s nominee to lead the Treasury, overseeing U.S. financial security.
The Senate Finance Committee voted 16-11 on Tuesday to advance Bessent, teeing up a floor vote. Sens. Mark Warner (D-Va.) and Maggie Hassan (D-N.H.) notably bucked party lines to join Republicans in backing the nomination.
Bessent would be the first openly LGBTQ Cabinet member confirmed by the Senate under a Republican president.
Attorney General: Pam Bondi
Pam Bondi, Florida’s former attorney general, is Trump’s second choice to lead the Department of Justice after his initial pick, former Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) withdrew from consideration amid controversy.
Bondi was a senior adviser on the defense team for Trump’s first impeachment and has backed Trump’s false claims of widespread fraud in the 2020 election.
She appeared last week before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where she was grilled by Democrats over Trump’s potential influence over a Bondi-led DOJ. A committee meeting to advance her nomination initially slated for Wednesday has been postponed.
Interior secretary: Doug Burgum
The Senate’s Energy and Natural Resources Committee advanced Doug Burgum (R) by an 18-2 vote, putting the former North Dakota governor on track to lead the Interior Department.
Burgum, who ran against Trump for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024, faced Democratic questions about the new administration’s controversial climate stances, though the hearing was largely cordial.
If confirmed to the post, Burgum would also be in charge of Trump’s new “Council of National Energy.”
Transportation secretary: Sean Duffy
Former Wisconsin congressman Sean Duffy, who would oversee national transportation systems and infrastructure as Transportation Secretary, was unanimously advanced by his Senate panel.
He told the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation committee that, if confirmed, he’d dig into issues around Boeing and buck pressure to interfere with Tesla – the company helmed by top Trump ally Elon Musk.
Housing and Urban Development secretary: Scott Turner
An alum of Trump’s first administration, Scott Turner was previously executive director of the White House Opportunity and Revitalization Council. For the president’s second term, he’s been tapped to lead the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
The former NFL player appeared last week before the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs Committee, and was advancedwith a 13-11 vote.
Energy secretary: Chris Wright
Chris Wright, the founder and CEO of Liberty Energy, is Trump’s controversial pick to lead the Energy Department amid Trump’s pledges to “drill, baby, drill” and roll back environmental regulations.
The Senate’s Energy and Natural Resources Committee voted 15-5 to advance him on Thursday.
If confirmed to the post, Wright will also serve on a newly formed “Council of National Energy” led by Burgum.
EPA director: Lee Zeldin
Former New York Rep. Lee Zeldin (R) went before the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee last week in his effort to lead the Environmental Protection Agency, and he advanced in an 11-8 vote on Thursday.
Sen. Mark Kelly (D-Ariz.) was the only Democrat voting in favor of moving Zeldin forward.
In nominating Zeldin, the president promised that his pick will “ensure fair and swift deregulatory decisions that will be enacted in a way to unleash the power of American businesses, while at the same time maintaining the highest environmental standards.”
United Nations ambassador: Elise Stefanik
Trump’s pick to represent the U.S. in the United Nations is Elise Stefanik, an outspoken Trump ally and defender of Israel who went before senators in the Foreign Relations Committee on Tuesday.
Senate Democrats appeared ahead of the hearing to be warming up to the nominee despite concerns about how the new administration views the international organization, after Trump moved on Day One to withdraw the U.S. from the World Health Organization and the Paris Climate agreement.
Veterans Affairs secretary: Doug Collins
Former Rep. Doug Collins (R-Ga.) is Trump’s choice to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs, overseeing the body tasked with providing health care and other benefits to former members of the military.
The Senate Committee on Veterans’ Affairs advanced him by an 18-1 vote, with the lone dissent coming from Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii).
Agriculture secretary: Brooke Rollins
Brooke Rollins, a former White House aide in Trump’s first administration, is set to appear Thursday before the Senate Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry.
Health and Human Services secretary: RFK Jr.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who ran an independent bid for president in 2024 before endorsing Trump, is on tap to helm the Health and Human Services Department.
A hearing before the Senate Finance Committee was scheduled for Wednesday, Jan. 29, and an appearance before the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee on Thursday, Jan. 30.
Director of National Intelligence: Tulsi Gabbard
Former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) is Trump’s controversial pick to lead the U.S. intelligence community, and her process through the Senate has faced delays after Democrats said they didn’t have the full slate of background checks and other paperwork needed to move forward.
The former Democrat’s path to confirmation could be in trouble over her past support for Edward Snowden, a meeting with now-deposed Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad and other controversial comments about Ukraine and Russia.
A hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee was scheduled for Thursday, Jan. 30.
Commerce Secretary: Howard Lutnick
Howard Lutnick, chair and CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald, is Trump’s pick for Commerce Secretary. Lutnick’s hearing was also reportedly held up my paperwork delays, but he’s set to appear before the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee on Wednesday, Jan. 29.
SBA: Kelly Loeffler
Former Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-Ga.) would serve as administrator of Trump’s second-term Small Business Administration. She was previously rumored to be Trump’s pick for secretary of Agriculture before the role went to Rollins.
Loeffler was scheduled to appear before the Senate Small Business and Leadership Committee on Wednesday, Jan. 29.
Nominated/nothing scheduled yet
Education Secretary: Linda McMahon
Linda McMahon led the Small Business Administration during Trump’s first term, and she’s his pick for Education secretary in his second tenure. She’s chair of the board at America First Policy Institute, a pro-Trump think tank, and served on his transition team. Politico reported earlier this month that McMahon’s hearing was waiting on paperwork delays.
Labor Secretary: Lori Chavez-DeRemer
Former Rep. Lori Chavez-DeRemer (R-Ore.), who flipped her Oregon district in the midterms but lost reelection in November, is Trump’s pick to lead the Labor Department. Her nomination was taken by some as a signal that Trump’s second administration could have a more receptive stance to unions.
Trade Rep: Jamieson Greer
Jamieson Greer, an aide in the trade office during Trump’s first term, has been nominated as U.S. trade representative. The president has said Greer “played a key role” with tariffs and other moves in his first term.
Last night I had gone to bed earlier than Ron, my husband as is normal. I slept on my side of the bed and Tupac slept on Ron’s side against Ron’s pillows. We have two small car type pillows and we normally put one down against Ron’s pillows with a towel over them for Tupac to lay on. He sometimes has incontinence of his bladder and at the end of the time length of his drops he tends to get drips from his anus. We are not sure if he just gets into something outside that causes it or it is his drops preventing it as Ron is not great at keeping track of the drops or his spotting.
So when Ron came to bed he started to pull back his blanket and sheets only to realize Tupac had urinated a lot. Again not his fault, he does this when deep asleep sometimes. He is old and badly injured on his lower back end. We think he got hit by a golf cart because he is terrified by them. So Ron and I changed the bed at 10 pm last night.
Ron has gone out to visit with a nurse he worked with and I started washing the sheet and blankets from last night. As I lifted the bedding up to put it in the washer the smell and sight of a pee soaked circle right in my face triggered first one and then more memories. I lost track of time, I was that boy having been peed on while on my mat in the hallway, I was the boy so proud of his first bed to be forced to beg to drink a teen male’s urine rather than have it on my first bed at age 8 … only to have them do it to me anyway. To have to kneel or stand as the males peed on my pants or in them knowing I would be given public punishment by the adopting parents for peeing myself. Forced to accept them doing to me something I had no way to stop, too small and too weak to stop to do anything, and then suffering the public punishment in front of them as they laughed and mocked me with the approval of the adopting parents.
I went to the bathroom next to the washer / dryer and threw up in the toilet. Once done with that I just sat there on the floor and cried. A damned 62 year old man, once a decorated enlisted military man who served in two branches of the service, sitting on the bathroom floor with my back to the sink cabinet sobbing for remembered past pains, hurts, and emotions I can never seem to make stay away but resurface again and again and again into eternity. They tear at me, destroy me it seems like every time.
Finally I was able to calm down. Ron was gone so I had to deal with no support. Yes I could have called Randy but I did not have my phone and even the thought to find it was something I couldn’t manage. Damn even as I try to type this I keep breaking out in tears. I sometimes wonder if the living abusers ever feel bad over what they did to me? But I know not, they were too well schooled and inducted into hate by their parents. So I finished putting stuff in the laundry, kept drying my eyes and blowing my nose.
When I got back to my Pink Palace office … which I will be leaving soon for a grand better brighter room, I took the dry up nasal spray and sat down to write this. I struggled as always … should I burden my friends with it … Well they did not do this it is not their fault. Hey they are really good people I shouldn’t throw this dirt on them and soil them with my own past it is not their fault!
These people don’t deserve to have these thoughts in their head like you do, give them a fuck break from your whining you piece of damaged shit the voice of my adoptive father screams in my head! It rings so loud along with the other names called me. The worst were when he was angry or during the abuse. But his general feeling about me he beat into me. Now I am so tired. I want to quit. I want it all to end. I want to give up.
But there is joy in my life I force myself to remember. I have my wonderful husband of nearly 35 year. I have a home, and enough income to survive. I have good things in my life. But they only cover the screams of the abused child I was, even raped after I came home from the military by them until I was able to escape to my own home and then to the safety of Ron’s protection from them.
Thank you for letting me write this. As always it is a horrible fight to do it, it is like being abused all over again to describe it. But the process of doing that, of voicing the hurt makes is so much less, drives it back into the holes it hides into. I need to write to get it out of me. I am so grateful there are people who understand this and willing to listen as I do, taking unto themselves their own memories my writing may trigger. I am so sorry I might do that to others, to hurt them. But it is the only way I know to get some relief myself. So I thank you all greatly. Hugs.
A person sits inside an Immigration and Customs Enforcement contractor building in Chicago, Illinois, on Thursday. Photograph: Erin Hooley/AP
Scottie's Playtime 