OK this won’t be a full post on my abuse because Ron is terrified of my being emotionally upset before my surgery tomorrow. This female sibling was pregnant at 13 and married at 14. But while she was in the house she was the defacto caregiver to me. She was the one who tied me to a stair banister and let her boyfriends and other boys rape me. Her soon to be husband wanted more so she arranged for him to force me to give him blow jobs and rape me in other places / context. He had a fascination with buttholes so you can guess what that meant for the 3, and 4 and 5 and 6 year old me.
She was the one who farmed me out to the guy across the street at age 3 who was a real little boy lover so while he used my body he never made me hurt like I was being hurt at home. He often got upset at my bruised body. He often gave me the only real affection I felt at that time. I just had to let him use my body to gain it.
She tried to get me removed from the will due to the fact I was adopted. In her own writings she said I was never a part of the family so shouldn’t have a share of the inheritance. She failed to mention how badly I was treated by the family for some reason. The courts disagreed with her. Her husband was the executor of the estate and he was informed and needed to be ordered by the court to change the legal paperwork to reflect my new legal name, but in her obituary she used the family name of my abusers. She knew better at this point, as did her husband who once was said to be a corrupt cop.
I am going to try to keep my mind from it. But what Ron doesn’t know is my mind went there last night. Just not bad enough for me to yell / scream out. I will have to deal with it soon. But not hopefully tonight the night before my spine surgery. Hugs
Scottie's Playtime 
Best wishes on your surgery tomorrow.
The rest of your post, you are a strong resilient man to still be here. Remember that while you are dealing. It is all in the past, though it might seem fresh in your memory. Draw a childlike picture of them, then scratch them out and cut the picture into tiny multi-shaped pieces. Let them know you know they can never hurt you again.
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Hi Rawgod. Thank you. I read what you suffered, and I appreciate the advice. I was doing well; I had not been having horrific nightmares just bad dreams, but after this news Ron told me that at night I am again growling, moaning, fighting enemies and I have schratched up my butt and lower legs in my sleep. Several times he has had to wake me and ask if I am OK. The news awakened old memories. I know they can’t hurt me ever again, but my memories when I sleep forget that. Hugs
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I came across a site ,not long ago, that offers the sound of rain – and many others.
https://environment.ambient-mixer.com/
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Went to website, saw some what should be calming sounds, but was directed to the same ad every time I tried to tap on them, one that does not let me get our without forcing me to open it. Who knows who or what is at the other end. I don’t trust it. No rest for me tonight.
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Booo!
I don’t know what ad blocker I have that doesn’t let this happen, but I don’t have to suffer through that. Sorry for the questionable link.
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Hi MDavis. Sorry I have not gotten to other comments; I really am trying. I can’t have any noise when I sleep, especially noise that changes in tempo or loudness. I was so glad when Ron got his new C-PAP machine that is so quiet I can sleep through it. We have to set the A/C in the room to constant as the eco mode cycling wakes me in a panic state. When Ron first moved in to my home when we first met I was working nights, and he would wake me by just moving around in the house. God forbid he come into the bedroom as I was out of the bed ready to fight before I even realized I had done it. Ron uses earbuds and plays such things as those sounds and music from his iPad when he comes to bed; I don’t hear it. Thank you for the suggestion, but I can’t use it. Hugs
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You out-lived it ~ that’s a cut above
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Hi Ten Bears. I did when many kids in my situation I realize did not. I wonder why? Was it that they were already charged or at some point I got complacent with it, trying to please them so I wouldn’t be hurt worse? But the memories make it seem like it is happening over again in real time. I seem to get a handle on it and then something triggers it and I have a bad week of abusive nightmares. And in truth it makes it hard to have a happy face dealing with the world the next day. But it is what I have to do what I have had to do for so long. Ron has gotten to the point of trying to deflect my thoughts during the day when I voice my memories to him, to spare himself the pain, but I have recently told him that doesn’t help me get the pain of the abuse out of myself but makes me swallow it to protect him. Hugs
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