Don’t be worried or afraid, I am just expressing the thoughts in my head

I went out shopping early this morning.  Then I came home and after putting the stuff away I did all the dishes.  It was not a lot but three days worth and last night I cooked a good meal.  I am washing all the bed linens and all the towels in the chairs / places that Tupac lays on.  So as I try to do they cartoon  / meme post for tomorrow …. My mind is fractured.   So these songs are in my mind.  Sorry if this hurts anyone.  Also remember I am not in danger of self-harm.  I won’t do that to all of you who I respect so much. Hugs or best wishes to all as you appreciate the gesture.   The songs below are shattering my thoughts.   I walk alone, and I wish for the sound of silence.  Oh, to have the thoughts in my mind stop! I desperately wish for it. I have not eaten yet today, nor did I after breakfast yesterday and Ron has called me 3 times asking me to eat.  Even telling me to order something if it is more pleasing to me.  I just can’t.  I bought salad stuff today so maybe a salad later.  I am so confused. I had four more ready to post and suddenly realized it was useless.   Is my life useless?  I do good things.  My husband loves me.  His cat sleeps pressed up against me at night, yet even last night as I struggled to sleep and he moved up onto my pillow I took no comfort from him.  I am feeling so numb inside when I let myself feel anything at all because the government is forcing my pain doctors to reduce my medications despite the new MRI showing severe and increased damage to my spine.  My doctors say it my be necessary for me to do surgery to get relief because RFK Jr. has determined that all pain clinics lower their clients morphine equviancy to less than 100.  Those who do not feel chronic pain or live in long pain because they dont hve to suffer … well illegal drugs all of a sudden get a hollier than though about drugs.  Seriously, this former drug adic is restricting needed medication from people like me with seriously damaged spines and no contributions to his campaigns.   But drugs from a qualified pain doctor can mean the difference between living a quality life and suffering in even more agony. Hugs

I am sorry.  I do not not want to worry anyone or cause fear.  But I feel so… out of sync with the world.  I just hurt.  It is part physical and a lot emotional.   The MRI  I had just had showed many parts of my lower spine are showing far more damage than my doctors had thought.   They thought I had a few more years before surgery. I cannot afford surgery.   The MRI moved many of my lower vertebrae from the moderate to severe to extremely severe zone.  One the report said was in civilian terms destroyed.  The bone matrrial decaded, the inside soft stuff pushed out and the nerves were caught by the edges of the jagged edges of the bones both being forced out and being pinched and being pinced inside as I moved.  It is why I cannot sit in my chair very long.  Ron is going to get me an air seat when he gets home but I doubt it will help. I am sitting here thinking of why when my spine shows ever more damage the government is requiring that my pain doctors reduce everyone’s pain medications.  Just because the former coke addict RFK Jr dosent feel the crippling pain that people like me do doesn’t mean he gets to stop our pain medication or at least shouldn’t.  All that does is force us on to illegal drugs to get relief.  I wonder if that is the point all along.  Think of it, all the  friends in pain suddenly not able to vote would change the election in plenty of ways.  Hugs

Sorry, but I keep repeating the songs over and over.  Hugs

Every body hurts.  But today I hurt terribly. Sorry.   Now I have to go struggle to make the bed because I washed the bed sheets.  More pain. Hugs