I need to apologize for the lack of posts the last three days.  I have been spending a lot of time with Ron and I have been cooking three meals a day and doing the dishes and laundry which has left little time for posting.   Then late last night Ron realized how much he had been taking of my time and so today he wanted to leave me alone.  But then I did something I had not done for a month or more, I went to the abuse survivor site.   And one post led to the next and eventually to eventally 40 open tabs of fellow abuse survivors discussions of what they went through.  When Ron got back at 3:30 he noticed I was very upset.  He kept asking why until I told him.  Then he was angry.  He wanted to go in and close the entire window of open tabs.  He joked of taking my computer away from me like a teenager who went to the wrong websites.  I had to explain it to him.  I can’t talk to anyone about my childhood  / young adult abuse.  I don’t have anyone to share the memories with other than the blog and I feel horrible when I do that even though it helps me because I can’t help but think I am hurting people I care about like it hurts Ron when I share my memories with him.  But on that site, on the male survivor website are people who went through what I did, and they understand, they can hear me, and I can hear them with out it harming us, except that it becomes a loop I struggle to break out of.  I want to read every post and give a reply because I was there as they were, I am suffering as they are, and I can understand their pain and anger as they can mine.  It is a place to share my memories with people and not feel I am damaging them because they are already hurt.  Ron struggled to understand that and I told him.  “You did not know my abusers like I did.  But by the time you met them I had moved out of their home and they had moved on to their own homes and families.  I reminded him my abusive hellspawn sister who threw parties offering me as a party flavor to any teen who wanted me male or female required her own son to sleep in her bedroom from his preteen years until he left the house as an adult”. I know she made me please her, did she do the same to him?  I was paralyzed to help him.  At the time ron did not know of my abuse but he felt something was wrong.  It was well known in the “family” and no one thought it wrong.   I suspect my oldest male hellspawn did the same to his two young daughters.  I reminded Ron how my adoptive mother kept trying to kiss me on the lips when she was in the park model we owned.   He looked stricken and walked away, I think he had not connected the dots of that and how I had to try to avoid that.    Anyway I have deleted the window those tabs were in and I am going to reply to a few comments do the few dishes, and then try to do a cartoons / memes / news roundup hopefully for tomorrow.  Hugs