Let me explain the lack of posts, and I do feel bad about it.

Since Ron came home we have been very intuned with each other. Each of us trying to give the other space and as much positive interaction as possible. Yet I started to get irritable and Ron was noticing so I apologized this morning. This morning is important, but let’s get back to that.

Ron needs interaction and attention. Plus I have gone back to making meals and making sure he eats. That takes two hours out of my morning at least, but even more when I tell you what happened this morning.

I got up at five, fed the cat who clings to me even though he is Ron’s cat. I settled down to “work” putting together the cartoon / meme / news roundup that has not gone out in recent days. Then Ron surprised me. He got up early at 6:30 am. OK.

TMI to come.

It is my birthday and knowing how sexual I am he appeared at my office door offering sexual relations. One of the issues Ron had with the effects of the libido killing medication is he felt pressured some times to meet my needs when he really did not want to or feel it. I had made a promise to not put such pressure on him when we talked about it when he got home at the same time he was trying to tell me he realized how important it was and wanted to work to be more sexual and he was starting to feel more sexual desire as the medications worked out of his system. But when he appeared with his grand offer I had to gently tell him I felt that because today was my birthday he would feel pressured to offer me favors. I did not want him to feel that pressure and because I am hypersexual … Again TMI… I masturbated in my office to porn before he got up… Twice. When I explained that to him at first he seemed surprised and then I got the reaction I wanted when I explained it. He blossomed and lite up understanding I was respecting him.

Then I went back to my posting and and for the next three hours Ron kept coming to my door to talk to me, to ask my opinion on this or that or could I go with him to another part of the house to talk about something. I guess I started to show irritation because Ron suddenly said this will be the last time I bother you.

But this is what has been happening since he has been home. He doesn’t seem to understand I need time and ability to do the posts. I need to understand he needs and wants my interactions. I try to divert him to his own projects but he is not easy to divert.

OK one of the reasons I voluntarily went to therapy was I was lashing out at Ron in irritation of everything. I have PTSD and according to the therapist, I am OCD. I use the OCD to try to manage my PTSD. So when Ron is being himself and is not ordered, not picked up, not… well Ron is a old never reformed youngest child frat boy. He leaves everything where he last used, he folds towels like if he just gets it somewhat near a shape he can push it on the shelf, or he will root for a towel leaving the rest looking like a possum made a nest of them. He will leave his socks on what ever surface in the livingroom he takes them off near. His shoes are all over the house I trip over them. The end of last year I was exploding and very angry. I went to therapy.

Before I saw “Sally Sunshine” I had already figured out the problem and the solution. I have lived with Ron for 36 years. I knew and accepted what he was in the first few months. I thought over the years I could change him but over the last year I was lashing out at him for these things and he was getting very defensive and withdrawing from me. I realized the truth before I ever saw the therapist, and she was shocked I figured this out.

The problem was not Ron nor his actions which he always apologized for and said he would correct. The problem was my reaction to it and how I was letting my irritation build to massive anger. I got to the point when the towel shelves were messed up I would angrily demand he come back down to the bedroom and refold every towel. He would do it but he was hurt. Once I steped back from it all then realized something important. He was hurt!

Before I went to therapy I realized the simple truth of the situation. If it bothered me so much I could simply correct it myself. Why humiliate him and make him feel bad for something he couldn’t help as it was ingrained in him and he couldn’t stop it anymore than I could stop the nightmares at night that leave me screaming that he tries to save me from? I vowed to change and I did. Now when the towels are rooted through I simply take them out and refold them my self like I want them to be. That is what I should have done from the start. I love him.

Back to this morning. While he was standing there nude in my office doorway I went to him and hugged him. I apologized for my irritability the last few days and told him it was wrong of me. I also told him it was OK for him to call me out on it if I get acting irritable with him again. Boy did he put that to the test this morning with three hours of needing / wanting my attention. But it worked out. I gave him the attention he wanted.

This afternoon he went out. Did I mention it is my birthday? He came back with two big steaks, something I have always loved but on our income have not had in nearly a year. He also had flowers he arranged and put in a vase. He got all the things I might like such as baking potatoes and the fixing for them. He had gone out for prime rib but he couldn’t find it, his other choice was to take me out, but sadly I have gotten to dislike leaving my home. I know I need to change that but even as I offered to go out Ron realized I wouldn’t enjoy it. I only leave the house now for doctor’s appointments or to accompany him on large shopping trips. I have developed an anxiety about leaving the house just like I have for voice conversations on the phone.

So Ron is making a large birthday meal complete…

So Ron called me to eat. He had set up the folding table we use as a dining room table while the remodeling is going on. He had a vase of flowers and our plates of steak and spiral potatoes. I could see he was frustrated as he apologized he never got the broccoli with cheese sauce done. It was a good meal, everything was tasty and good. I ate my fill of decent steak something I have not had in a long time and Ron cooked them on the grill. It was wonderful.

I did ask him what he wanted for his upcoming 71st birthday, and he suggested several things not available in our area that he got in Texas. But then he said he would think on it. What ever makes him happy I will do.

But I had started tomorrow’s cartoons / memes / and news roundup but it is late here after 7 pm, and I am wearing down. By this time normally I am thinking of bed and to tell the truth I am now. I will try to do a bit more and get up at 4 am to get it out at a resonable tiime. Just letting everyone know why posts have been sporadic and not timely. Thanks in advance for your understanding. This is our 36th year together and I am not going to jeopardize our relationship. But I have to get him to find a balance. I need to find a balance as well. Hugs

For the wonderful people worried about my health / happiness especially since I wrote about being triggered. TLDR version I am so happy

Hi everyone. I really am so grateful for all of you and the support that you give me and others here. After I posted about the trigger event I think an important part got missed and today with all going on my wonderful husband offered to help me finish the dishes I was doing even though I knew he wanted to get on to other things. So I want to share this post with all of you.

I am happier than I can remember being in a long time.

For starters the triggering event was because Ron my husband who struggles to have the sexual desire I do was offering happily for us to … well have sex. But he was so wonderful with the way he handled it and when he got back up and made sure I was OK, he offered again. I said later.

Ron got home on the evening of the 2nd of March. Since then he has watched carefully to make sure I was not harming myself by taking on too much, instead softly forcing me to rest as he took over. On the personal side he has made it a daily routine and returned to the old normal of touching each other during the day and giving kisses and hugs. If he sees me struggling he intervenes right away.

But it goes both ways. Ron loves my cooking and with him home I have really been doing my best and in fact loving it. It gets to hurt so bad sitting in my desk chair and when we talk about what’s for supper and I provide a suggestion he asks if I would like to do it and I really want to. He does the chopping of vegetables and meats and I do the cooking / seasoning and set up the serving area.

Remember how I grew up. When I went out on my own I had no cooking skill at all. When Ron moved into my home I had eggs and hot dogs in the refrigerator. I simply had no clue how to make food. Ron first made food I fell in love with and started teaching me seasonings. I took to it like a fish to water and now he lets me take the lead on joint meal projects. And that is what the meals are, we work together on the idea and what we would like the outcome to be. He does any chopping because my eye sight is so bad and I have cut my self so badly at times. But then he lets me do my thing and comes to taste or add suggestions as I ask. He always does the cleanup as he understands how tired I am by then.

But it is more than meals. At night I struggle to sleep, and Tupac presses as hard to me as he can most of the time. Ron will reach out and touch me on the shoulder, arm, or back just to let me know he is there. If he knows or thinks I am struggling he will talk to me. If he knows I am awake he will ask if we can cuddle some more. I so love that but the issue there is Tupac. During the three months Ron was gone Tupac got very attached to me. He sleeps as close to me as he can get often laying his head on my folded arm. Ron says as long as I am able to sleep like that Tupac will stay asleep right there. If I shift he will move lower towards my belly and again push against me. If he doesn’t have paws touching me or himself he will lie with his head pointed at me and looking either up or down and his tail to Ron.

The few times I have moved him and set his stuff up so he was on the other side of us so Ron and I could cuddle he got very upset. So now I only do it if I have responded to his middle of the night need for food and while he is gone change the places of his sleep towels and blanket. He still doesn’t like it. The first night we did it in the morning Ron went to pet him and Tupac swatted at him.

I am sorry this is rambling, I guess I did not do a good job ordering my thoughts. I am just so happy which is an emotion I so rarely get to enjoy I wanted to share it all with everyone. Things seem so good, clear, wonderful, and grand, and Ron and I are more in tune with each other than we have been in a long time. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t know, but the way he looks at me, the way his arms encircle me, and the way he gives me quick kisses are like it was half a decade ago and so wonderful. My body responds to him like in the old days and he enjoys it. That is new and I love it.

As for the bad events / the vortex. It has not been as bad since Ron has been home. I have had minor ones and have retreated to my “pink palace office” to cry quietly and try to deal. But the horrid nightmares reliving the events of my past have not happened since he came home. I have not needed to desperately cry out for help or in pain as I relive the things done to me. I know they will, but I also know he will be there. Listening and ready to help me face the demons and hurts that I will never totally make go away. I have noticed he is careful to not overload me mentally, emotionally, or physically. He will often tell me it is time for a break or that he would like to take over, or his favorite trick… I need a break do you mind if we rest for a while? I know he is doing it for me. But it still is grand. OK I don’t have a real ending here other than he just came into the office as I was writing this , leaned over me and gave me a kiss. I asked if he needed help with anything and his reply was not yet, I will let you know when. Maybe just possibly what they say about love is true, it can heal the wounds if you let it. Just know that now I am so very happy an emotion I have not felt in a long time. Hugs

It has been a good day but a long day and it just turned sour but I am fighting back.

It has been a good day, let me explain. Ron set our folding dining room table up to go through all the large filing cabinet, as he ran out of room for new files and some of our files are over 30 years old. As he worked on that I had made breakfast of thick bacon and scrambled eggs with Ron having muffins and me white toast. After breakfast we worked together on a really great now that it is cooking smelling recipe for pork chops using two packages of ranch dressing mix, can of cream of mushroom soup, and some seasonings I helped adjust.

I was on my way earlier to take my shower and a painful testorne shot when the water was shut down because the phase of the development we are in is hooked to the same water supply as the RV section and when an RVer forgets to unhook their water line and pulls out ripping the pipe apart or they back over and break the water pipe connection for their lot, it shuts down the water supply for both the RV section and the phase 1 homeowner section.

No real problem, as Ron was doing the filing, and I was doing tomorrow’s roundup post and my shower and the dishes could wait. But then Ron decided to go take a nap. I was joined him to help him into bed. As he got undressed I started to flirt and rub him. We had flirted and been sexually suggestive with each other all day. I am hypersexual and that is normal for a person who was abused in childhood as I was. Sex and the function of it are super important to me and mean far more emotionally than the act should. Ron understands that. He accepts that. But he is 71 yrs old and was put on a medication a decade or more ago that we did not know would kill his libido, his desire. He has since gotten off the medication but the damage has been done. He is trying to get over the effects of the drug but it is hard. He struggles to have sexual desires, while I am over sexual desire needing. He tries to meet my needs when ever he can or I need, which is all the time, but I try to control it. We do a lot of touching and at night in bed we cuddle for hours at a time. We simply cuddle pushing our bodies as tight as possible with each other and sleep that way. It makes the cat jealous though.

As he was getting ready for his nap without clothing my desire was going close to out of control even as I understood it as not appropriate or the right time. Ron realized my need and offered and I had a flashback. I was taken over by a memory from my childhood. It was painful and shook me. I started to shake instead of replying. Ron realized what was happening and instead of peppering me with questions moved back while assuring me it was all OK. He got into the bed covering himself while continuing to talk to me calmly and reassuringly. He kept using my name that is different from what my abusers called me. He asked me if he needed to get up and I said no, that was not good. I mumbled some sleep well stuff and went to my Pink Palace office and started to cry.

I gradually got my self undercontrol. I post this to try to explain how triggers work and the minefield my life is even with a loving wonderful husband. We were on the same wavelength for what I was desiring… but then the memories hit shattering everything. If this had happened on a first date or such it could have gone really badly and maybe violently. Ron has lived with me a long time, he understands some of my abuse and he knows how to deal with me to not make things worse. The fact is I basically have to have two minds / people of me. The outfacing person who appears normal and has no issues and who cares for everyone. The second one I try to keep hidden in public life except for here on the blog. A badly damaged person struggling to deal with day to day stuff and trying some how to understand the issues of what is happening with out letting it tear me apart while my memories struggle to constantly surge to the front of my mind.

I don’t know if posting this will have the effect I want it to have which is not pity but understanding the minefield I walk daily in life. It is not just the news about abused kids, it is not the survivor site where people discuss things similar to what I lived through and is still in my mind today. It is not even when my husband sees my needs and wishes the same that a memory or many memories can sabotage and ruin everything. I don’t know if any of you have ever needed to retreat to a “safe space”. It is not a weak person who does that, it is a strong person who knows they are close to breaking. I don’t care if the right calls it woke, I call it needed emotional health care. I often get overwhelmed and sometimes share that with you. But each of you I would think some times reach a point where enough is enough and you need to back off or change what you are doing.

Very few people are an island. I am not and don’t want to be. I love being part of a community and being part of the world I live in. However, I do admit it becomes difficult for me sometimes. I struggle and I stumble in ways that the maga would make fun of me for. I am human. I get it and have been hurt. I still stand up for others. And now I am calm enough that I will go get my shower and take my painful shot. Thank you for letting me express this part of my life and I welcome your comments. Hugs