I dream of this song. If I ever have to go I will leave this as my good bye. Hugs
When I was locked in the attic this was one of the records I was able to find and play. I emagined so many reasons while Daniel went away.
This was one of the other records I had. I listened to it play over and over as I fell asleep. A sad lonely 14 year old locked in an attic over a garage because he was only wanted when he could be used to satisfy the abusers. The weird thing is they thought keeping me up there made me unhappy, but the truth is I felt safer there than in their home. I only worried when the lock was opened and one of them walked in. I had few choices then. But it was still one of the best summers of lack of abuse. Hugs
Ok earlier this week I was exhausted, but I was sick of a registry error I couldn’t clear on my video computer. So I tried to reset it. But every time I did Microsoft demand I sign in to rest the computer. That has long been my redline for Microsoft computers. So I got out an old ISO I had and installed the Windows program from that. I kept waiting all week for it to accept me into the extended updates program. But it did not do so.
So today, after getting home from taking Ron to get his eye exam and scheduled for the next couple weeks, I again dumped the computer, and this time I simply let the install and update program happen at its own pace. I am not sure if that is what did the trick, but the secondary computer is back up and on the Windows 10 Extended Updates program. That makes me very happy.
However, while I was working on the other computer I got the YouTube algarthym push of two songs that set me off: Terry Jackson’s seasons in the sun and REM Everyone Hurts. I started playing them… and falling down that rabbit hole when Ron innocently asked me to help him with something in the bedroom. Totally sabotage the meltdown that was building inside me. Oh, what did I do with the YouTube suggested songs? I closed the tabs as soon as I got back to the computers. I wish I had the strength to do that when YouTube first pushed them on me. But then it is not YouTube’s fault that those songs resonate so much with me. But then, as I was to regroup, I got hit with Eleton John’s Danial. Why does that song hit me so hard, you might ask? Because the summer I was forced to live in the attic over the garage with only a single electric cord that I could plug several things into, I found an abandoned record player one of my Hellspawn siblings had and a couple of 45 records. One was this one by Elton John, and I have no idea the real meaning of the song but I created lots of meanings in my head laying alone on a playwood floor with only a sleeping bag to give me comfort and a small black lab dog that I swam out to save who stayed in that space with me.
Do I need to list the songs that are triggeering me… or describe being locked in a storage space above the garage? The wired thing is I know they must have realized I was able to take some electric from the grarage below. But when they locked the door, did they know I was still small enough to fit between the studs and shimmy down to the garage below? I wonder if they depended on it. Anyway, this is a non-graphic part of my life that might help others understand me.
However there were times that summer when the door opened and one of my abusers came in. I knew what I had to do, I knew what was the only way to protect my dog, and I knew my place as a 14 / 15 year old kid. Sad hugs. Scottie
LOMBARDO: So I know the pastor spoke about Officer Abdelnabi–TRUMP RALLY CROWD: *Boooooo*LOMBARDO: No. We're not booing him. He's the officer that passed away here recently
I have had two bad nights. My butt is all scratched up because in my nightmares I am trying to remove the pain of the things forced into me. My pain provider told me today that I really need to think about finding a new therapist because she could see the knife edge I am on. She asked about how hard it was to talk to Ron and did it help? I had to explain how it hurt Ron to hear of my abuse and I hated to see that hurt settle in on him. I explained it comes in cycles and I am starting into a bad part of the cycle. Hugs
I am so tired of the memories and trying to function normally with these memories ravaging my mind and emotions. I need to run away, I want to run far from the memories, but there is no way to. Sad hugs. Scottie
As Kansans face attacks on their rights and rising costs, what is Kansas’s AG focused on? Attacking LGBTQ+ kids. Kansans deserve better than Kris Kobach. kansasreflector.com/2026/07/29/k…
I had a really bad night where I was tearing my skin on my butt and thrashing around. Ron tried twice to wake me and once when he did it I was so deep in my memories of abuse that I tried to protect myself from him. Once I was awake and knew what he had tried to do for me I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until I got up.
But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site. There I read more stories of abuse like mine. Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand. Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset.
I sat at my desk this morning and just cried. No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here. To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.
I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say. The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now. My body did not agree with him.
Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you! Thank me for fucking you! You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that. So many more. I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me. For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction. They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.
So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm. But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return. I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even worse night for me. How do I avoid the pain I know is coming? Damn now I am scared to go to bed. Hugs
BREAKING NEWS: A new Mitch McConnell sighting has been reported.
Bernie Moreno is keeping shut about Max Miller beating his daughter because Max has blackmail on Bernie being gay.
This is gross and emasculating.
It is grotesque to use a man’s funeral as an opportunity to grovel at the feet of another man and to use his legacy to curry favor in such a sycophantic manner.
I love everyone, but I had to deal with many issues. Yesterday I had to dump my entire secondary computer to fix a regesty error. But every time I tried to come back up, Microsoft insisted I sign in with an internet that they could monitor. I refused. So I needed to wipe out my entire C drive, and now I am trying to rebuild it. Lucky for me if the powers that be won’t allow me to rejoin the older Windows program, well I have been experimenting with Linux stuff. Hugs
If you read the law it lets anyone claim to be offended by any media and that it doesn’t need to be declared obscene to be labeled obscene. Why is that? Because to a small group of very vocal haters just the existence of LGBTQ+ people is obscene. It offends their god so it offends them. But don’t try to claim the Bible is obscene or pushes offensive stuff it has special carve outs that make all the icky bad parts OK. I hope this will be appealed to the full appeals court as this attempt to errase an entire population of people based on bigotry must not be allowed to stand. I also just read where the education department under the hypermaga education secretary will not be enforcing or even recording the bullying and abuse of the LGBTQ+ kids at school. Her view is let the little fagots fend for themselves it seems. Remember she and her husband turned a blind eye to the many young boys being sexually assaulted by the wrestlers in their group.
Also the majority of the three judges panel said that the three patrons did not have standing to object because no books had been banned yet. They seem to have a wait and see if the victim is stabbed before taking the knife from the threatening person. That is stupid. Everyone knows what the law is intended to do and the writers of the law admit that openly. It seems the tRump appointed judges want to let attacks on the librarians and on the books that mention gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, and questioning kids / people be removed as soon as possible knowing it is harder to put them back than to ban them in the first place. Hugs.
The “social section” in Crawford County Library’s Van Buren branch (Screenshot from court documents)
A federal appeals court ruled Thursday that Arkansas’ 2023 law restricting access to library materials can go into effect, three years after a judge blocked two sections of the law on First Amendment grounds.
The three-judge panel from the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in St. Louis ruled that the 18 plaintiffs had no standing to challenge one section of Act 372 and failed to prove that the other section was unconstitutionally vague.
The two sections create criminal liability for librarians who distribute content that some consider “obscene” or “harmful to minors,” and give city and county governing bodies the final say over library content.
Republican Attorney General Tim Griffin praised the ruling, saying it “allows Arkansas to move forward in enforcing a law that protects children from obscene materials while increasing accountability for public-library curation decisions.”
The plaintiffs challenging the law include libraries, bookstores, advocacy groups and individual library patrons. Their lead attorney, John Adams, said in a statement that the legal team is “evaluating all available legal options, including further review by the courts,” after Thursday’s ruling.
“Libraries and bookstores should be places where people can freely explore ideas — not where booksellers and librarians face criminal liability for selling, checking out, or even just shelving constitutionally protected books,” Adams said. “The freedom to read is fundamental to a free society and has always been protected by the First Amendment.”
Griffin said Act 372 was meant to “to address legitimate concerns about minors’ access to obscene materials and to establish a process for reviewing challenged content.”
School and public libraries already had content challenge policies before Act 372. The law stalled in the Legislature in 2023 before it was amended to say library materials would be relocated to an area inaccessible to minors, not removed from the premises, if elected officials find them to be “obscene.”
Section 5 of Act 372 allows city and county governing bodies to relocate challenged material if a challenger disagrees with a library panel’s decision to keep it in its original section.
Another section of the law that gave school boards the same authority over school library materials had not been challenged.
Adams told the appeals court in June that Crawford County, a defendant in the case, showed what the law’s restrictions would look like in practice. The county’s five library branches separated LGBTQ+ children’s books from the rest of the collection after public outcry, and county officials cited Act 372 as a reason to maintain these “social sections,” even before the legislation became law.
Crawford County lost a separate federal lawsuit in 2024 after three parents alleged that the “social sections” violated the First Amendment.
The three library patrons who sued over the state law do not have standing because Section 5’s book challenge and relocation policies do not harm the plaintiffs, the appeals court panel said Thursday.
“Plaintiffs are speculating libraries might decide to segregate certain books as part of their curation policies, which they have not yet adopted, or in response to challenges, which have not yet been filed,” the panel wrote.
The librarian and bookstore plaintiffs have standing to challenge the other section of the law because they would be at risk of prosecution for noncompliance, according to the ruling, but the three judges disagreed with Adams’ claim that Section 1 of Act 372 was too vague.
This section makes “furnishing a harmful item to a minor” a Class A misdemeanor. Conviction would lead to a maximum prison sentence of one year.
U.S. District Judge Timothy Brooks wrote that the law’s lack of a definition for terms like “furnishing” and “harmful” could lead to violations of the First Amendment right to freedom of speech.
An unchallenged provision of Act 372 removes schools and public libraries from the part of Arkansas state code that previously exempted them from prosecution for disseminating obscene content. Another unchallenged provision made school and public library employees liable for a Class D felony if they “knowingly” distribute obscene material or inform others of how to obtain it. A Class D felony conviction carries a maximum prison sentence of six years.
However, the language of Section 1 “limit[s] its application to situations when a person knowingly furnishes an item to a minor knowing of the item’s harmful character” and therefore is not too vague, the appeals court ruled.
Chief Judge Steven Colloton wrote in a concurring opinion Thursday that he understood the plaintiffs’ vagueness claim but disagreed with it “because third-party library patrons have no constitutional right to receive unfettered access to books of their choice at taxpayer expense.”
Colloton was appointed to the court in 2003 by then-President George W. Bush and has been chief judge since 2024. President Donald Trump appointed the panel’s other two judges, Ralph Erickson and L. Steven Grasz, in 2017.
Erickson was on the three-judge panel in April that allowed a 2023 Iowa law to go into effect, requiring the removal of books containing “descriptions or visual depictions of a sex act” from Iowa public school libraries.
The removal of the injunction on Act 372 comes as the Arkansas Department of Education has been considering requiring public libraries to restrict children’s access to “sexually explicit materials” in order to receive state funding.
Dozens of Arkansans told the education department in June that they oppose requiring libraries to ensure patrons age 16 or younger cannot check out materials that depict or describe sexual contact and behavior.
The Arkansas State Library Board will meet Aug. 14 to consider sending the rules to a legislative panel for further approval. Republican Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders appointed all six board members.
Author Info
Tess Vrbin
Tess Vrbin came to the Advocate from the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, where she reported on low-income housing and tenants’ rights, and won awards for her coverage of 2021 flooding and tornado damage in rural Arkansas. She previously covered local government for The Commercial Dispatch in Mississippi and state government for the Columbia Daily Tribune in Missouri.
Arkansas Advocate is part of States Newsroom, the nation’s largest state-focused nonprofit news organization.
*** personal note. Sorry these are late getting out. I do love them. Today I can’t walk again. I gave myself a shot last Saturday and something went wrong with it. Every two weeks I need to give myself an injection into one of my legs and each time I rotate which leg I do it into. However, I am not sure what went wrong with this shot; maybe I did not get all the air out of the injection syringe or what but my leg is swollen and very painful to bend or move. I take serious pain medications and even with them the pain is so mind-numbing that I struggle to function. I have never had one go this badly or be this painful. Hugs ***
“It seems it’s O.K. to wear shorts to the office, but definitely not socks with sandals.”
This Eagle Scout is ashamed of Scouting America once again for caving to Hegseth, who wouldn't know honor if it gave him the Scout handshake. It's BSA v. Dale all over againapnews.com/article/scou…