This morning I had an MRI on my lower back.  It all went well and was quick.  The reason for it is my right leg feels as if it is being tased and it makes it difficult and challenging to stand on the leg.   I took an extra dose of instant morphine and a muscle relaxer before the MRI, as those tend to be very painful for me to lie on the table in one position for that length of time.  

Since I got home I have felt more and more disconnected from reality  My pain levels in my back have increased so I struggle to sit in my desk chair and have had to take even more more pain relievers of all kinds.  But I still struggle, I am feeling lost like debrie in the wind of a storm.  Ron has contacted me three times to forcefully tell me he loves me.  But I feel lost, ungrounded, I find myself relieaziing I am simply staring into space or have not heard a word of what is playing on the video computer. 

Plus, Sam Seder is talking to someone about the abuse of Palestinians in Gaza such as how their lands are being torn from them and they are being terrorized, yet I find I am not registering large parts of the video.   I simply am missing large segments of the video and have to rewind to watch so much of it again.   I am zoning out.  I have seriously thought of going to bed.  So much pain and abuse toward people who have no way to fight back or protect themselves.  If I let my mind focus I am instantly thrown back to my own childhood situation as a child unable to fight back against all the abuse from much more powerful people who seemed to have all the authority behind them.  

But it is more than the normal remember, be very upset, cry, sob, and try to find a way to deal.  Currently I simply am lost like I am moving in slow motion as I struggle to focus on what I need to do.  I feel like I am on go …

I just realized that for some time, I am not sure how long I have had my head down on my folded arms on my desk.  I was not crying, I was not sleeping, I simply checked out.  This seems much scarier than when I sob and cry out of control.  For an unknown part of time I just checked out of reality.  This is not normal.  I am going to go lie down for a few minutes. Hugs

I went to lie down.  I had texted Ron with my situation.  I was just lying there not thinking, no intrusive thoughts which is strange enough, just checked out when he called all upset.  He offered to start for home right away.  I explained to him that was not needed.  I am not feeling upset.  Just lost.  Just like I don’t comprehend what is happening within my eye sight and hearing.  My mind was not registering what the inputs were.  I admit it feels a bit like when I had my stroke, everything stopped making sense for a while.  Anyway while I was laying down the medication started working and I feel a bit more connected to reality.  I am not writing this to upset or concern anyone but to try to explain what is happening to me in my life.  Thank you for letting me have a place to explain my feelings and for all of you who are willing to listen.  I appreciate it, it means a lot to me. I can’t explain how important it is for me to have this space to exspress my feelings / life and know the people reading care about me. Hugs.