Hate and how to respond

I need to apologize for the lack of posts the last three days. I have been spending a lot of time with Ron and I have been cooking three meals a day and doing the dishes and laundry which has left little time for posting. Then late last night Ron realized how much he had been taking of my time and so today he wanted to leave me alone. But then I did something I had not done for a month or more, I went to the abuse survivor site. And one post led to the next and eventually to eventally 40 open tabs of fellow abuse survivors discussions of what they went through. When Ron got back at 3:30 he noticed I was very upset. He kept asking why until I told him. Then he was angry. He wanted to go in and close the entire window of open tabs. He joked of taking my computer away from me like a teenager who went to the wrong websites. I had to explain it to him. I can’t talk to anyone about my childhood / young adult abuse. I don’t have anyone to share the memories with other than the blog and I feel horrible when I do that even though it helps me because I can’t help but think I am hurting people I care about like it hurts Ron when I share my memories with him. But on that site, on the male survivor website are people who went through what I did, and they understand, they can hear me, and I can hear them with out it harming us, except that it becomes a loop I struggle to break out of. I want to read every post and give a reply because I was there as they were, I am suffering as they are, and I can understand their pain and anger as they can mine. It is a place to share my memories with people and not feel I am damaging them because they are already hurt. Ron struggled to understand that and I told him. “You did not know my abusers like I did. But by the time you met them I had moved out of their home and they had moved on to their own homes and families. I reminded him my abusive hellspawn sister who threw parties offering me as a party flavor to any teen who wanted me male or female required her own son to sleep in her bedroom from his preteen years until he left the house as an adult”. I know she made me please her, did she do the same to him? I was paralyzed to help him. At the time ron did not know of my abuse but he felt something was wrong. It was well known in the “family” and no one thought it wrong. I suspect my oldest male hellspawn did the same to his two young daughters. I reminded Ron how my adoptive mother kept trying to kiss me on the lips when she was in the park model we owned. He looked stricken and walked away, I think he had not connected the dots of that and how I had to try to avoid that. Anyway I have deleted the window those tabs were in and I am going to reply to a few comments do the few dishes, and then try to do a cartoons / memes / news roundup hopefully for tomorrow. Hugs

A bunch of The Majority Report Clips on different subjects.

Let me explain the lack of posts, and I do feel bad about it.

Since Ron came home we have been very intuned with each other. Each of us trying to give the other space and as much positive interaction as possible. Yet I started to get irritable and Ron was noticing so I apologized this morning. This morning is important, but let’s get back to that.

Ron needs interaction and attention. Plus I have gone back to making meals and making sure he eats. That takes two hours out of my morning at least, but even more when I tell you what happened this morning.

I got up at five, fed the cat who clings to me even though he is Ron’s cat. I settled down to “work” putting together the cartoon / meme / news roundup that has not gone out in recent days. Then Ron surprised me. He got up early at 6:30 am. OK.

TMI to come.

It is my birthday and knowing how sexual I am he appeared at my office door offering sexual relations. One of the issues Ron had with the effects of the libido killing medication is he felt pressured some times to meet my needs when he really did not want to or feel it. I had made a promise to not put such pressure on him when we talked about it when he got home at the same time he was trying to tell me he realized how important it was and wanted to work to be more sexual and he was starting to feel more sexual desire as the medications worked out of his system. But when he appeared with his grand offer I had to gently tell him I felt that because today was my birthday he would feel pressured to offer me favors. I did not want him to feel that pressure and because I am hypersexual … Again TMI… I masturbated in my office to porn before he got up… Twice. When I explained that to him at first he seemed surprised and then I got the reaction I wanted when I explained it. He blossomed and lite up understanding I was respecting him.

Then I went back to my posting and and for the next three hours Ron kept coming to my door to talk to me, to ask my opinion on this or that or could I go with him to another part of the house to talk about something. I guess I started to show irritation because Ron suddenly said this will be the last time I bother you.

But this is what has been happening since he has been home. He doesn’t seem to understand I need time and ability to do the posts. I need to understand he needs and wants my interactions. I try to divert him to his own projects but he is not easy to divert.

OK one of the reasons I voluntarily went to therapy was I was lashing out at Ron in irritation of everything. I have PTSD and according to the therapist, I am OCD. I use the OCD to try to manage my PTSD. So when Ron is being himself and is not ordered, not picked up, not… well Ron is a old never reformed youngest child frat boy. He leaves everything where he last used, he folds towels like if he just gets it somewhat near a shape he can push it on the shelf, or he will root for a towel leaving the rest looking like a possum made a nest of them. He will leave his socks on what ever surface in the livingroom he takes them off near. His shoes are all over the house I trip over them. The end of last year I was exploding and very angry. I went to therapy.

Before I saw “Sally Sunshine” I had already figured out the problem and the solution. I have lived with Ron for 36 years. I knew and accepted what he was in the first few months. I thought over the years I could change him but over the last year I was lashing out at him for these things and he was getting very defensive and withdrawing from me. I realized the truth before I ever saw the therapist, and she was shocked I figured this out.

The problem was not Ron nor his actions which he always apologized for and said he would correct. The problem was my reaction to it and how I was letting my irritation build to massive anger. I got to the point when the towel shelves were messed up I would angrily demand he come back down to the bedroom and refold every towel. He would do it but he was hurt. Once I steped back from it all then realized something important. He was hurt!

Before I went to therapy I realized the simple truth of the situation. If it bothered me so much I could simply correct it myself. Why humiliate him and make him feel bad for something he couldn’t help as it was ingrained in him and he couldn’t stop it anymore than I could stop the nightmares at night that leave me screaming that he tries to save me from? I vowed to change and I did. Now when the towels are rooted through I simply take them out and refold them my self like I want them to be. That is what I should have done from the start. I love him.

Back to this morning. While he was standing there nude in my office doorway I went to him and hugged him. I apologized for my irritability the last few days and told him it was wrong of me. I also told him it was OK for him to call me out on it if I get acting irritable with him again. Boy did he put that to the test this morning with three hours of needing / wanting my attention. But it worked out. I gave him the attention he wanted.

This afternoon he went out. Did I mention it is my birthday? He came back with two big steaks, something I have always loved but on our income have not had in nearly a year. He also had flowers he arranged and put in a vase. He got all the things I might like such as baking potatoes and the fixing for them. He had gone out for prime rib but he couldn’t find it, his other choice was to take me out, but sadly I have gotten to dislike leaving my home. I know I need to change that but even as I offered to go out Ron realized I wouldn’t enjoy it. I only leave the house now for doctor’s appointments or to accompany him on large shopping trips. I have developed an anxiety about leaving the house just like I have for voice conversations on the phone.

So Ron is making a large birthday meal complete…

So Ron called me to eat. He had set up the folding table we use as a dining room table while the remodeling is going on. He had a vase of flowers and our plates of steak and spiral potatoes. I could see he was frustrated as he apologized he never got the broccoli with cheese sauce done. It was a good meal, everything was tasty and good. I ate my fill of decent steak something I have not had in a long time and Ron cooked them on the grill. It was wonderful.

I did ask him what he wanted for his upcoming 71st birthday, and he suggested several things not available in our area that he got in Texas. But then he said he would think on it. What ever makes him happy I will do.

But I had started tomorrow’s cartoons / memes / and news roundup but it is late here after 7 pm, and I am wearing down. By this time normally I am thinking of bed and to tell the truth I am now. I will try to do a bit more and get up at 4 am to get it out at a resonable tiime. Just letting everyone know why posts have been sporadic and not timely. Thanks in advance for your understanding. This is our 36th year together and I am not going to jeopardize our relationship. But I have to get him to find a balance. I need to find a balance as well. Hugs

This is our Tupac

Tupac was hurt and struggled to survive for so long with no home. When Ron and I first met him and the other cat he was barely hanging on. I was getting up at 2 or 3 am and feeding them both them. They were ravenous. They got so little food they scarfed down what they could get. The female was feral, but Tupac had been an inside cat and slowly moved into being inside. During the hurricane Ian James got Tupac in and he stayed inside, but she did not. We don’t know what happened to her, but Ron adopted Tupac then, renamed him and we paid for his vet bills. And both Ron and I let the neighborhood know he was now our cat and anything dealing with him needed to go through us. The costs have been a lot, but he has filled out, he has been given back a chance at life, and he loves us so. And even though I keep telling everyone he is Ron’s cat I am the one that dotes on him and who he snuggles with in the bed at night. But make no mistake, Ron wanted him, Ron insisted, Ron named him, he is Ron’s cat. Who just happens to lie purring quietly on my arm in the bed at night. But he still wakes up at between 3 and 4 and cries out to me for food. You can guess what I do. When I get back to bed Ron is he had been awakened will say , I would have done that if you wanted. But he can sleep through Tupac’s cries for food and I cannot. So I do it. Hugs

For the wonderful people worried about my health / happiness especially since I wrote about being triggered. TLDR version I am so happy

Hi everyone. I really am so grateful for all of you and the support that you give me and others here. After I posted about the trigger event I think an important part got missed and today with all going on my wonderful husband offered to help me finish the dishes I was doing even though I knew he wanted to get on to other things. So I want to share this post with all of you.

I am happier than I can remember being in a long time.

For starters the triggering event was because Ron my husband who struggles to have the sexual desire I do was offering happily for us to … well have sex. But he was so wonderful with the way he handled it and when he got back up and made sure I was OK, he offered again. I said later.

Ron got home on the evening of the 2nd of March. Since then he has watched carefully to make sure I was not harming myself by taking on too much, instead softly forcing me to rest as he took over. On the personal side he has made it a daily routine and returned to the old normal of touching each other during the day and giving kisses and hugs. If he sees me struggling he intervenes right away.

But it goes both ways. Ron loves my cooking and with him home I have really been doing my best and in fact loving it. It gets to hurt so bad sitting in my desk chair and when we talk about what’s for supper and I provide a suggestion he asks if I would like to do it and I really want to. He does the chopping of vegetables and meats and I do the cooking / seasoning and set up the serving area.

Remember how I grew up. When I went out on my own I had no cooking skill at all. When Ron moved into my home I had eggs and hot dogs in the refrigerator. I simply had no clue how to make food. Ron first made food I fell in love with and started teaching me seasonings. I took to it like a fish to water and now he lets me take the lead on joint meal projects. And that is what the meals are, we work together on the idea and what we would like the outcome to be. He does any chopping because my eye sight is so bad and I have cut my self so badly at times. But then he lets me do my thing and comes to taste or add suggestions as I ask. He always does the cleanup as he understands how tired I am by then.

But it is more than meals. At night I struggle to sleep, and Tupac presses as hard to me as he can most of the time. Ron will reach out and touch me on the shoulder, arm, or back just to let me know he is there. If he knows or thinks I am struggling he will talk to me. If he knows I am awake he will ask if we can cuddle some more. I so love that but the issue there is Tupac. During the three months Ron was gone Tupac got very attached to me. He sleeps as close to me as he can get often laying his head on my folded arm. Ron says as long as I am able to sleep like that Tupac will stay asleep right there. If I shift he will move lower towards my belly and again push against me. If he doesn’t have paws touching me or himself he will lie with his head pointed at me and looking either up or down and his tail to Ron.

The few times I have moved him and set his stuff up so he was on the other side of us so Ron and I could cuddle he got very upset. So now I only do it if I have responded to his middle of the night need for food and while he is gone change the places of his sleep towels and blanket. He still doesn’t like it. The first night we did it in the morning Ron went to pet him and Tupac swatted at him.

I am sorry this is rambling, I guess I did not do a good job ordering my thoughts. I am just so happy which is an emotion I so rarely get to enjoy I wanted to share it all with everyone. Things seem so good, clear, wonderful, and grand, and Ron and I are more in tune with each other than we have been in a long time. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t know, but the way he looks at me, the way his arms encircle me, and the way he gives me quick kisses are like it was half a decade ago and so wonderful. My body responds to him like in the old days and he enjoys it. That is new and I love it.

As for the bad events / the vortex. It has not been as bad since Ron has been home. I have had minor ones and have retreated to my “pink palace office” to cry quietly and try to deal. But the horrid nightmares reliving the events of my past have not happened since he came home. I have not needed to desperately cry out for help or in pain as I relive the things done to me. I know they will, but I also know he will be there. Listening and ready to help me face the demons and hurts that I will never totally make go away. I have noticed he is careful to not overload me mentally, emotionally, or physically. He will often tell me it is time for a break or that he would like to take over, or his favorite trick… I need a break do you mind if we rest for a while? I know he is doing it for me. But it still is grand. OK I don’t have a real ending here other than he just came into the office as I was writing this , leaned over me and gave me a kiss. I asked if he needed help with anything and his reply was not yet, I will let you know when. Maybe just possibly what they say about love is true, it can heal the wounds if you let it. Just know that now I am so very happy an emotion I have not felt in a long time. Hugs

It has been a good day but a long day and it just turned sour but I am fighting back.

It has been a good day, let me explain. Ron set our folding dining room table up to go through all the large filing cabinet, as he ran out of room for new files and some of our files are over 30 years old. As he worked on that I had made breakfast of thick bacon and scrambled eggs with Ron having muffins and me white toast. After breakfast we worked together on a really great now that it is cooking smelling recipe for pork chops using two packages of ranch dressing mix, can of cream of mushroom soup, and some seasonings I helped adjust.

I was on my way earlier to take my shower and a painful testorne shot when the water was shut down because the phase of the development we are in is hooked to the same water supply as the RV section and when an RVer forgets to unhook their water line and pulls out ripping the pipe apart or they back over and break the water pipe connection for their lot, it shuts down the water supply for both the RV section and the phase 1 homeowner section.

No real problem, as Ron was doing the filing, and I was doing tomorrow’s roundup post and my shower and the dishes could wait. But then Ron decided to go take a nap. I was joined him to help him into bed. As he got undressed I started to flirt and rub him. We had flirted and been sexually suggestive with each other all day. I am hypersexual and that is normal for a person who was abused in childhood as I was. Sex and the function of it are super important to me and mean far more emotionally than the act should. Ron understands that. He accepts that. But he is 71 yrs old and was put on a medication a decade or more ago that we did not know would kill his libido, his desire. He has since gotten off the medication but the damage has been done. He is trying to get over the effects of the drug but it is hard. He struggles to have sexual desires, while I am over sexual desire needing. He tries to meet my needs when ever he can or I need, which is all the time, but I try to control it. We do a lot of touching and at night in bed we cuddle for hours at a time. We simply cuddle pushing our bodies as tight as possible with each other and sleep that way. It makes the cat jealous though.

As he was getting ready for his nap without clothing my desire was going close to out of control even as I understood it as not appropriate or the right time. Ron realized my need and offered and I had a flashback. I was taken over by a memory from my childhood. It was painful and shook me. I started to shake instead of replying. Ron realized what was happening and instead of peppering me with questions moved back while assuring me it was all OK. He got into the bed covering himself while continuing to talk to me calmly and reassuringly. He kept using my name that is different from what my abusers called me. He asked me if he needed to get up and I said no, that was not good. I mumbled some sleep well stuff and went to my Pink Palace office and started to cry.

I gradually got my self undercontrol. I post this to try to explain how triggers work and the minefield my life is even with a loving wonderful husband. We were on the same wavelength for what I was desiring… but then the memories hit shattering everything. If this had happened on a first date or such it could have gone really badly and maybe violently. Ron has lived with me a long time, he understands some of my abuse and he knows how to deal with me to not make things worse. The fact is I basically have to have two minds / people of me. The outfacing person who appears normal and has no issues and who cares for everyone. The second one I try to keep hidden in public life except for here on the blog. A badly damaged person struggling to deal with day to day stuff and trying some how to understand the issues of what is happening with out letting it tear me apart while my memories struggle to constantly surge to the front of my mind.

I don’t know if posting this will have the effect I want it to have which is not pity but understanding the minefield I walk daily in life. It is not just the news about abused kids, it is not the survivor site where people discuss things similar to what I lived through and is still in my mind today. It is not even when my husband sees my needs and wishes the same that a memory or many memories can sabotage and ruin everything. I don’t know if any of you have ever needed to retreat to a “safe space”. It is not a weak person who does that, it is a strong person who knows they are close to breaking. I don’t care if the right calls it woke, I call it needed emotional health care. I often get overwhelmed and sometimes share that with you. But each of you I would think some times reach a point where enough is enough and you need to back off or change what you are doing.

Very few people are an island. I am not and don’t want to be. I love being part of a community and being part of the world I live in. However, I do admit it becomes difficult for me sometimes. I struggle and I stumble in ways that the maga would make fun of me for. I am human. I get it and have been hurt. I still stand up for others. And now I am calm enough that I will go get my shower and take my painful shot. Thank you for letting me express this part of my life and I welcome your comments. Hugs

The diagnosis of my pain doctors and it was worse than I thought.

I have been promising this post since monday. But I have always been too tired or in too much pain to write it or post it. I am going to start this tonight but it is late for me and I may go to bed before finishing so it may take several days.

The fact is before I even went to my pain doctor to tell me the result I knew things were bad. In the morning I can only sit in my chair for at most two hours before I have to get up and do something that helps relieve the pain. Mostly that is going to bed. I don’t sleep just lay their reading news or telling my self stories I create hoping to fall asleep. Randy sent me a headband with speakers but that just interferes with my own thoughts and keeps me awake. It was a good try and I bought one for Ron and he loved it. I will give this one to him. I go to bed and lie there only to get up and sit for a couple of hours to have the pain again overtake me. Once the pain gets that bad it is 10 to 15 minutes at most before I have to leave the desk and simply walk around or do something because the pain gets so bad so fast.

Also Tupac is on the desk being as close to me as he can. He is not lying on the towel I leave down for him but as close to the keyboard as possible even at time placeing his paws on the on the keybord hitting random keys. He wants to be as close to me as possible since Ron has been away so long. He feels he lost another human. I will be exciteed t0 see him react when Ron gets home on monday night.

So before the doctor told me the damage I knew something was badly wrong. So remember that even before I talked to the doctor I knew something had gone drasticly wrong. Sadly the MRI showed that.

Yup figured that would happen the pain levels are too high so I am going to bed. It is 8 PM my time.

It is now Saturday and I am trying hard to get this post done and out. But today my pain levels are very high and it is difficult to focus but I will do my best.

One of the things that the doctor told me was that my spine is no longer aligned; the disks are not lined up with each other but shifted to different degrees. Remember this was only the lower spine now they are going to MRI the upper spine. Second my spine has curved wrong. Then we got to the serious stuff. Degenerative discs, bulging discs, and discs so damaged that the nerves are outside the spinal channel. The arthritis is so advanced it is deep / spread in each vertebra. She tried to explain all the medical terms. At one point she excused herself to go speak to the surgeon I see for spine shots. When she came back it was with bad news. He no longer thinks epidurals will help me in my lower spine and I need nuero surgeon to do back surgery. Crap I cannot afford that. I am losing my sight, Ron has to have eye surgery right away, and the van needs 2 grand in repairs. That doesn’t even include my eye surgery and the repairs on our home.

While I did not understand everything she said I so desperately wished Ron had been there as he often explained these things to me later, and I have forgotten some of it, the situation is I need an MRI of the upper spine as well, she has refered me to her prefered spianl nueraal surgenon. Then I will need spinal surgery as the state and federal government won’t let them increase my pain medication because I can’t take the fentanyl patches with my skin allergies. I am being squeezed into a surgery I cannot afford or seeking illegal drugs for relief to be able to function.

I remember when I started in this clinic in 2009. They looked at my MRI of my spine and gave me 75 gm of morphine twice a day. I asked it to be reduced to half that amount and it was and I could live normally. But after the opioid “crisis” the states started to inject non-medical legislators into the medical field to show they were tough on abuse and misuse of drugs. It got ever more crazy until my life went from normal and even being able to work for a few years to not even getting enough pain relief to sit in my desk chair and blog for an hour. Now the federal government is demanding it be restricted even further, as RFK Jr. taking steroids can work out in jeans. On the restrictions I can’t get enough relief to blog for any extended time of the day. I spend half of my awake time in bed instead of at my desk. I struggle to stand to do dishes. I just told Ron that I cannot clean the floors before he gets home as I tried and it left me in tears. Even with our lightweight, easy to use cleaning devices. The damage to my spine and the lack of medical relief have gotten that bad. This makes no sense to me. Why deny me the pain blocking medications that allow me to fuction semi normally. It simply makes no sense to me. Why put me in this state what is the goal?

Do you see my point? Why put me and people like me through this? Do they want us to use illegal means for relief, or do they want us to suffer to death and go away? Do they care about us at all as they make these rules? There is more things my pain doctor told me about my spine I did not list yet, things like protrusions, spikes hooking nerves, some thing she kept say stenoisis, and nerves being pinched between vertebrae. At one point she mentioned I have advance degerneritive disc, I so wish Ron was there as I understood so little of it, then came the but you need a neurosurgeon and back surgery to help you because the state and federal government won’t let us give you enough medical relief to have any life. I hate this regressive holier than thou republican elected officials that swallow all the illegal drugs they can get from their providers while denying us poor people relief for bigoted racist reasons and their personal gains.

I am sure I left things out. I had to take after talking to Ron a saved 30 miligarm instant relief morphine because I was going out of my mind. I try desperately to save extras so when the pain is so off the chart I can get relief. But with the new restrictions, how do I do that? Why do the people in power who have access to pill mills and who have no pain and want to just make a name for themselves while doing the very thing they legislate against try to hard to make the live so people like me so hard? And I am poor and scared. Hugs

My live in a totality. Hugs

Image from REVELNATION

In keeping with my promise to try to eat more I made a salad. As always the size got away from me but I did eat the entire thing. Hugs

In keeping with my promise to the blog community and to Ron I started supper early

I decided I wanted grilled cheese sandwiches. So at four PM I started supper. And yes I made far too many as I can only eat one or one and half. But here are the steps I go through to make good cheesy thick grilled cheese and ham sandwiches.

I start with getting all the ingrediance out and ready.

If you notice I have already buttered the bread. I is important to use real butter and not a substitute as the substitutes burn before the bread is toasted, the cheese melted, and the ham hot. Now to build the sandwiches.

First the cheese on the bread.