Randy asked for songs, few replied, I have some from the other side, songs that have haunted me since I first heard them.

Do you have a secret you can’t tell anyone. As a 12 year old I had to please my drunk adopting mother because she promised to tell me about my real father if I did. She did not. I had secrets I could not tell anyone.

As anyone can imagine I spent most of my time either out of the house and away from danger or when I got one at 7 or 8 years old in my room listening for the sounds of footsteps and angry voice coming closer to me. Hugs

This last one I played so often to drive my demon thoughts out and to ask the question in my mind there was no answer to. When I cried why … well I know why, small town politics, fear of my adopting father, not wealthy but a man of great strength and fighting skill. No one wanted to cross him. Maybe some day I will find the answer. Or at least peace. Hugs

Sorry for this post. I was really doing well today. But the last hour everything crashed in on me. In Star Trek The next Generation Data the unfeeling android has an off switch hidden but for those that know where it is he can simply be turned off. Right now I want to turn off. Where is my hidden switch that will keeps these damn intrusive thoughts and memories turned off. Anyway I was going to make baked ziti for supper but I picked up three pounds of ground chuck and will use a pound to make sloppy joes instead. Hugs

I have sturggled all day.

It has not been an easy day for me. I did not sleep much last night getting up and doing things every few hours due to pain and the thoughts in my head. This afternoon the intrusive thoughts got horrible. While doing the dishes with The Majority Report on the kitchen TV I realized the thoughts in my head had taken over, I was standing there crying, and had no idea what the people on the screen were talking about.

I struggled to get myself under control. I did stuff all day. When Ron called me from Texas I failed to tell him about my issues. Instead I told him it was OK and to take all the time they both needed before coming home.

Scared of going to bed I stayed up and started making a red sauce and got it pretty well along. I let it cool and then put it on a trivet and put it in the refrigerator. Then as I was getting ready to shut the computer down the YouTube app sent me this link to this the first video. It is one when I first got to see it decades ago that I realized I had to own it. I bought the disk even before I even had something to play it on. I learned the song perfectly note by note. At that time in my life hiding my past, and being in the Army I felt in some ways I was the hero of the movie. I also felt I was in the part of the movie where the Indian boy tells the girl why he won’t make love to her. You are anyone’s; it is how you were taught to accept love. I want you to be special or some words to that effect. That also I felt was me, I was anyone’s, not because I wanted it but because I had no choice, and yes sometimes it saved me or made me feel special. Weird how that works with an abused child.

So YouTube being what it is, seeing I played the first song, sent me a second one. One I love, one I have on my phone, one I use as a warning to myself and others. If I start playing that song I am in trouble. I am crying now and very tired. I will put both songs below, and the movie is much better than the one I am posting; the other I don’t even understand why I am posting, except I am tired, worn, and a bit scared and just want my thoughts to stop. Have no fear I will go to the bedroom and snuggle the cat and get some rest if possible. If not I will get up and keep plugging away. It is what I do, what I have always done. I just backed out a lot of what I wrote after this. I realized while it was just me musing out loud trying to figure out how to move forward, that it could scare some of you. So no need to do that. My seasons are not over, not yet. Hugs

Hugs

$534 to find out the cat is a drama queen who may get it from his two gay dads.

I am home and decompressing. I had a very bad night. But I guess I should start at the beginning.

Ron left the morning of Saturday the 17th for Texas because his sister fell and broke her wrist. This after her husband died and she needed Ron’s help to get her large home ready for sale. She had returned here with him and I was so grateful for her being here as she let me get back to what I love, blogging. But Ron being gone for three weeks was traumatic for Tupac who has seen the humans he loves go away never to come back so he clung to me the entire time Ron was gone. He had already been coming to me before Ron when he wanted something and at night he would sleep either on the pillow I put in the middle of the bed so he could lay on it and be made of by both of us or what he started to do while Ron was gone the first time he would lay between that middle pillow and my body.

So Ron left for Texas and I noticed that Tupac was staying much closer to me and to the house when outside. He also did not want to go out as much. Ron had noticed that there was a very large orange cat that was coming around to lay near the house and also a back long hair cat that was very vocal screaming at Tupac. While the orange cat was trying to find friendship the black long hair seemed to want to provoke a fight or at least scare Tupac. So I figured Tupac was staying close to home or inside since Ron left because of that. Also since Ron left Tupac who is a bit incontinent leaking a bit on the places he sleeps and stuff started urinating on the floor as he was walking or eating, or even just sitting somewhere. Now let’s get to the drama queen stuff and the big scare.

Yesterday the 20th Tupac stayed on the new daybed Diane gave us that was in the new living room all morning sleeping. I heard him thump onto the floor. I was in the kitchen getting ready to do dishes. As he walked into the room I noticed he was limping on his right front paw. But he seemed to be walking it out as he moved I just figured he slept too long on his right front shoulder. So I gave it no more thought. Then during the later part of the day he got up on my desk as he has gotten to love doing. It is one way I have bonded with all our cats, they love the warmth the monitors put off and enjoy rubbing on them and other things on the desk. I put a towel down and the cat sits next to the keyboard enjoying the pets and warmth along with companionship while I work. It took a while for Tupac to understand that joy but he took to it once he did.

So back to yesterday he was on the desk and I went to get a soda. I heard a thump / bang and came back to find Tupac on the floor with his right front paw held high. He was very upset and when I reached for him he hobbled away from me to the bedroom. Then he stopped and let me put him on the bed. He hobbled to my pillows and lay down. I reached out to him and he swatted my hand away with no claws. I started envisioning the worst.

Yes maybe he gets his drama queen honestly. I figured he either broke his leg or did damage to his shoulder like dislocating it. He pressed hard into my side pillow very upset. I let him be for a bit then went back to him. He then accepted my petting him. Still thinking he broke his leg / paw I brought him supper in bed. Then I went to bed with him. I did not try to push him over but tried hard to lay down on my side of the bed next to him. He loved it. He slept pushed hard against me as I laid on the edge of the bed worried to try to move him and hurt his broken leg / paw. He never got up once which was not normal, but he did change position pressing harder into me each time, each time I woke and couldn’t sleep because I worried he would try to jump down from the bed. I figure I got two and half broken hours of sleep.

This morning I again brought him breakfast in bed which he loved. I tried putting him on the floor but he wouldn’t walk or put the paw down and I got even more worried. I put him back up on the bed near the pillows and he settled back into them while I went and got my shower. After all I had to take him to the vet’s office as soon as they opened. After my shower I got two shirts out, one that he could claw if he needed as I put him in his carrier and one to wear out to the vet’s office.

When it came ten minutes from the time to leave, I went out, started the van let it warm up, and then moved it into position to be more able to move him into it. I then picked him up from the recliner I have put him in and he seemed fine with staying in. He did not really fight or struggle to stop going into the carrier. So I closed the door and went to change my shirt to the one I wanted to wear in the veterinarian’s office. Remember I was on an emergency walk in so the bill was $150 to walk into the door.

I have to admit the young woman behind the counter was very much sympathetic and on the ball. Seeing my cane she carried the pet carrier to a chair for me. She was very sympathetic. Then who I would in the hospital say was a medical assistance who came to get me and Tupac. Again seeing my cane she came and offered to carry Tupac into the room and set his carrier on the table. She took all the information. Again very caring person. I explained my fears and how Ron was in Texas. She was very understanding through it all. I thought of my time in the hospital and how many of the people there had far less empathy and concern for the feelings of the patients or their families.

The doctor came in and talked with me, heard my fears and concerns. They took Tupac and did X-Rays and other checks. After 30 minutes the doctor came back. She showed me the two X-Rays they were able to get before old man Tupac got too grumpy to let them do anymore. I guess veterinarians are used to that and let him calm down while the doctor came to talk to me.

The X-Rays showed that he had no breaks in his leg or wrist bones. They did show great swelling in his paw near the first two digits. The doctor suggested he got his claw caught and wrenched it while jumping down from the day bed. But she was not sure. I asked about his shoulder and she told me he was too grumpy then but if I wanted they could try again. I asked her to if she could as I needed reassurance he did not damage his shoulder. She told me she also was going to look closely at his claws on that paw to see if he ripped one.

Well letting the old grumpy moocher calm down worked. They got the X-ray, no damage to the shoulder. She was able to look closely at his paw and claws. And it explained what the issue was. He had what she felt was an infected first digit and slightly his thumb on that paw. That was why his paw was so swollen. She said it looked like a puncture such as a bite from another cat that did it. I asked if it could be a puncture from a plant or other thing and she said yes, but she felt it was another cat that did it.

So for an entire night of staying awake watching to make sure he did not jump down and hurt his broken leg / wrist / shoulder and feeding him in bed then carrying him to the recliner this morning and packing pillows around him while putting them on the floor in case he jumped down, to find out he had an infected swollen very painful paw. The doctor gave me three pain pills to give him one a day, and they gave him an antibiotic shot to help with the infection.

But who would have figured that two old gay guys, one who owned / ran a bar for gay people in the 1980s would have a furry drama queen child who milked a painful paw into getting supper and breakfast in bed and carried around like a little prince … Oh I give up. Hugs

So an update and thank you for Kamyk, and Ron is on the road to Texas.

First thank you to everyone who donated to Kamyk’s go fund me. He had to start it out at the minimum of $300 due to the rules of the site. The real goal is $1,000 which will allow him to get the game, a secure pack for storing it, and a little left over for a set of earbuds and a few games. Currently he has to have it set for $600 because the rules say he has to set it up in stages. I don’t understand it but he sent me the goals and I put it on the page. The current amount donated is $315. Again thanks to everyone for helping if you can. I understand if you can’t. I can’t until next week when Ron gets paid. This last week we had to put the groceries and medications on the credit card.

Which leads me to the second update I want to share. After I got home from my visit with Suzy Sunshine in which we both decided she couldn’t help me, Ron got a call from his sister. She had fallen and broke her wrist a few days ago. I guess it was bad. So Friday around noon she called and was very upset. Ron said he never saw her this way before. She told him she couldn’t handle the situation of trying to show the home and everything along with the pain in her wrist that she couldn’t use for anything. She wanted him to come to Texas and be with her. It would be for at least a month maybe more and then she would be coming back to Florida in March anyway. In two weeks she will have surgery on the wrist and will need the extra help anyway.

Ron looked at me and I knew what he wanted to ask so I told him it was OK. I understood the bond between him and his sister. I understand he needs to help her in her time of need. I was in a good place, I have the van and it is running well, and we already did the large grocery shopping. I would be OK for a month and half if he needed. So he spent yesterday afternoon packing and left in the car early this morning for Texas. It is about 1,000 miles to where his sister lives. He is going to do it in two days. The good thing is it should give me lots of time to do all the blogging stuff. Hugs

Disturbed – The Sound Of Silence (Official Music Video) [4K UPGRADE] And an update on Suzy Sunshine

Suzy Sunshine and I met today and we mutually agreed that she couldn’t help me. She started off the session on grounding technics, and when she told me what they were I led her through each sense and how I try to stop the vortex from taking me and the steps involved, I described every step involved she stopped and looked sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said you knew all this before I could tell you. I said I have been dealing with these memories, emotions, and the cascading tornado of the vortex along with the emotional roller coaster of what happens for most of my life. I have learned to image and use the positive things in my life as handles to keep the tornado black vortex from drawing me in to it. In the last decade or more I have had to seriously draw on them to stay sane. No one taught me these things, I found them on my own because I was in such distress. At that point she told me I had passed the point where anything she could offer me would help. We left it I would work on it more myself and if I started to get in a bad place like I was in November and December I would call her and she would get me in with a trauma therapist. We parted on good terms with her saying as I put my heavy over shirt on because it is really cold here in Florida, “I am sorry I wanted to help, but what you are dealing with is way beyond anything I was trained for or ready for”. I thanked her and explained what I am dealing with most people can’t understand … but all I need is their caring support and honest concern for my wellbeing, something I never got as a child. I think what broke her was when she asked about smells could I think of a positive smell that might pull me from a trigger. I explained to her that all smells are relative and for example Ron might be cooking hamburgers and french fries and it might make me happy. Or it could remind me of when as a child the rest got to sit at the table eating hamburgers and French fries while I was made to stand across the room and watch. I saw her start to close down and she stuttered as she said yes I can see how that may be triggering. Anyway a song for the attempt at therapy. Oh if no one noticed I updated the Kamyk post, please read the new part at the end. Hugs

I would like to make a personal post if no one minds

https://gofund.me/5d1def2cc

Ok I know that as soon as most of you read the title you thought I was going to talk again about my childhood abuse.

No what I need help with is for another abuse victim I have come to care a lot about. He and I met through the abuse site and we bonded emotionally. He needed to vent a lot of anger / hate / why me stuff and I was OK with him doing it on me as long as he never attacked me personally. He also came to care about me and the kind nature I shared with him. He is much farther along in his therapy so was able to point things out to me far sooner than everyone here did.

I think by now everyone who follows here realizes I am talking about Kamyk. Pronounced Camick. He got very ill shortly after we were friends and if you look back through the archives I asked and many of you did send him cards in the ICU he was in. He has told me I can share his medical condition he has suffered from all his life and he blames it on both his childhood abuse and his father’s narcistic behavior he developed cysts on his colon. One day he was talking to me telling me how much pain he was in and then he was gone. Rushed to the hospital and placed in an ICU.

Normally to do a GI surgery they have to void the bowels entirely but they simply did not have time and when they tried he crashed, so they rushed him to surgery and according to the surgeon it was the worst most dirty bowel surgery he ever did.

Sadly they had to take a large part of Kamyk’s intestines and his entire colon. Kamyk wanted to die. After a year of nearly doing so and many surgeries he was left with a couple stomas and an ileostomy. He came so close to death that several times I asked people here to send him cards. I know some did.

Long story short, after all this time he got the ileostomy reversed and one of the stomas. He could have gone back to his apartment he had managed to keep paying for … but the first nursing home he was sent to let him get a huge pressure sore on his tailbone that is so deep doctors are saying it would take a year to heal. I get pressure sores and I know what to do once they developed, the pictures Kamyk sent me were so deep and so gross it is a violation of every medical rule I ever practiced under. It was criminal.

Sadly in a depressed area of the country one can’t sue a medical provider as all the other providers close their doors to you. I mean if you sue a hospital in your area you better hope you never need a hospital again. Unless you are in the emergency room dying no physician can admit you.

Against all odds Kamyk has pulled through everything life thrown at him. He aggressively started learning to walk again after one surgery left one of his legs not working. He really wanted to get out of there and return to his home and I think we can all understand that. Through it all on a very limited income Kamyk kept paying the rent on his apartment. Until just recently tragedy struck in the form of the government and greed.

Kamyk was looking forward to going home from the step down care facility he was in. But without his knowing the facility he was in made arrangements to transfer him to a nursing home. The nursing home grabbed his entire SSI payment which meant not only did his rent payment fail but a recent device he had saved up for to buy also defaulted in the payments.

I understand what he is saying as when Ron’s brother had to be put into a nursing home we had to jump through the same damn situation. He was only allowed 30 dollars of his SSI payment but Ron had to stop his military disability payment of $100 dollars because that put him over the limit allowed to be in the nursing home. Everything was so strict that Ron and his sister Diane had to pay what few bills he had, they sold his car, and they had to buy him anything he needed as he was not allowed to have any money build up in his bank account. The system is designed to keep the person in the home as poor as possible, while letting the home take all the money and assets that person has. It is the punish the poor republican idea of if they are poor then it is their fault.

Here is why I am writing all this. I was going to start a Go Fund Me for Kamyk. He bought a Steam Deck computer device that would let him keep up with friends around the world and with me in a situation where he couldn’t use voice talk to communicate. As you can imagine some of the things Kamyk would like to talk abut can’t be voiced loudly in a shared room. Also he needs it is so he can play games with his friend of a decades Wolfy and escape from the horrid place he is in at least for a while, something every one I really understand. I have worked in a nursing home for a few weeks and I can tell you that the residents in some homes don’t have much to do all day and don’t get much respect. The staff is over worked, underpaid, and they are struggling also.

I care deeply for my friend and have seen how horrendous this time has been for him. He is in a very depressed area of the country in Ohio and he has no family in a position to help him.

Kamyk has helped me do this by sending me a blurb and other information. They will be below. Thanks and hugs.

Kamyk’s journey has been incredibly tough, and it’s clear that every day presents new challenges. After enduring multiple life-threatening infections and a long recovery, the road ahead still feels uncertain. Living in a nursing home where their needs are often overlooked only adds to the struggle. One thing that could bring Kamyk some much-needed joy and connection is the ability to play games with their best friend in New Zealand. A Steam Deck and a secure backpack would provide a way to escape the pain and trauma, even if just for a little while. This small gesture could make a significant difference in their healing process. If you can, please consider contributing to this cause. Your support would mean the world to Kamyk and help them find moments of happiness during this difficult time. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. Best regards, https://gofund.me/5d1def2cc

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Update: There was some questions as to the amount and what the situation was. I wrote kamyk and called him about it. He was able to respond after I went to bed.

Gofundme is weird it only starts with a minimum, supposedly to get the ball rolling before showing the full requested amount. My full requested amount is $1000

Steam deck is $700, TSA approved slash resistant locking backpack is $80, a bluetooth headset i can use with the steam deck or my phone is about $40 which would allow me to talk to you, mark, or wolfy semi privately without the issues the earbuds have, and gofundme suggested the additional difference so i could get some more games

I also added further text to my fundraiser page explaining that my ultimate goal is $1000, and that it feels deceptive to me to rely on a marketing technique to get donations, so I clarified

Thanks to everyone that reads this, forwards it, and if possible can help. I am sorry for the confusion I did not know how Go Fund Me works. Hugs

My Cartoon / memes / and news I want to share. Post 1-13-2026

OK I love making this post, it is the one I love the most, even while I feel keeping people up to date on the assaults on civil rights is also just as important. But I need to explain why this post won’t be posted on the date that it normally would be. And that is because my health failed just as the US Government thugs wanted the US public health to fail.

Let us move back in time. By Thursday Ron noticed my posting and my frantic need to get them all done was increasing and he warned me to back down a bit. Ron is 70 yrs old and knows what we went through when I drastically over reached my abilities and he is terrified of my 2014 breakdown. My body shuts down and in 2013 when I did that it lead to my total breakdown in 2014 when my body started “eating itself” my way of saying that I was going into organ failure. Every doctor I had at that time told me to stop, but I did not want to as I loved what I was doing … and I ended up with a total break from reality for a year refusing to leave my bedroom. It took Randy, my doctors, and Ron almost a year to get me out of that situation.

So since then, Ron has become sensitive when I might be slipping back into that again. Which leads to where I am at now.

By the end of the week on Thursday Ron was asking me to back off. I was manic about posting. I was so filled with glee about how much I was pushing out. I had done my daily stuff and still had saved articles I wanted to post the next day. He saw the progression coming. So he asked me if I wouldn’t rather do other stuff than post. I misunderstood and thought he meant do stuff like cook dinner or make bread, stuff I love doing, but then after I went back to the blog. It negated what he was trying to distract me from.

Friday he left me alone thinking I would run out of stuff to post so it would be OK. But then came Sunday and the News Shows. I set up my TV recording equipment and I delve into them, something Ron hates. I get so upset over the bias on each show and start getting so upset and shouting at the playback that I have to keep the door closed and Ron doesn’t want my commentary afterward.

That was when Ron noticed that my health went fully bad. He was worried before. But on Sunday he saw me getting more and more pale. But I kept pushing forward. He asked me many times to stop posting and instead join him in other activities. I told him I had too much backlog of posting to do and besides I don’t really like the same things he does. I did not realize it was an attempt to distract me from what was now becoming and has been for a long time my obsession. Plus I was getting ill and did not understand.

On Monday I woke barely able to walk. During the night Ron had watched me as I went from fear / anger / begging / and when I got up earlier than him I did not know any of this. We were to go out and do our big grocery shopping but I did not feel up to it at all. But I was willing and when he got up I told him that.

Ron then said instead of going out he asked me if he could do some checks with our medical equipment and I agreed and why not. Then I told Ron that if we did not need to go out I would rather not. He then told me I was pale, I kept saying I was very very tired and not seeming right at all. I told him I was just tired, a bit of rest and I would be fine. I tried to post and really couldn’t, nothing seem to connect for me. Then came the moment of truth. I started throwing up. But I hid that from Ron.

Ron looked into my open office door and seen me with my head hanging down struggling to function. He asked me if I was OK! And the first two times I said yes as I was just resting, the third time I was going out and he was not going to accept that and forced me to bed as I started to throw up again. I had not eaten much if anything but my body was at its limit.

I went to bed with Ron’s assistance and his insistence. I slept for 11 hours uninterrupted only twice getting up to urinate. I woke up this morning on Tuesday with a clear head, my stomach not trying to reject my being, and we went out and got our groceries. A post I will make some other time.

This post is not so much about my failure to understand how frail my body is nor about how protective Ron has become over me in our life, but it is just what I hope will be the warning of how the tRump people want to make our lives so difficult that we suffer for even standing up to them. I will stand up to them and post their horrific activities but … maybe not to the extent that it causes me to throw up and fall asleep at my desk. Thank you. Hugs.

Oh and the post that should have gone out today will somehow go out tomorrow. Hugs

Invictus Poem

Recently in a comment Roger sent me a poem. I am not much on poetry but this one is short and powerful and it expresses what I am feeling inside most days. Thank you very much Roger for believing in me and your support. Hugs

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invictus

The good, bad and the ugly

Hello all. I hope you are all having a grand Christmas. I did. I am … yet now I am struggling.

See Ron’s sister has been with us for two weeks and she had been a great grand help. She took over ever duty I had and helped me get back to the blog. Plus she gave Ron a connection to his childhood and his youth. Plus she gave me all her husband’s clothing and we are the same size. So for Christmas I got a complete new wardrobe of shorts / pants / shirts / and dress stuff. I was down to only two ill-fitting pair of old pants that hung off me. So it was a timeless gift. But her help was not done.

She brought big sister energy so while I have tried hard to get Ron to throw out old construction debris that he had piled in several rooms I never could get him to do so. She did. Then she got him to organize and pack away a lot of stuff he was just piling up. I was so happy we got back to a having two rooms that we had lost to just Ron piling things in them. But it gets even better.

She and Ron spent the time looking at places here that might fit her needs so she could be here in the winters instead of being up north and she has found what she wanted, she put in an offer and the people accepted. So she will come stay with us on and off this winter and then next year be here full-time. I love it.

Please understand I never had a caring sibling. I met my wonderful “brother” Randy well into adulthood and Randy is everything an abused kid like myself could every hope for in a supportive sibling. He has been the brother I always wanted … yet never had until a decade ago. But Ron had a tight knit large family who cares for each other and really they do care and love each other. Watching him and Diane this last two weeks has been amazing. In a way I am jealous because no matter how hard they try to include me … they are in a world of their own past. Having Ron’s sister as a part of our lives is going to be grand.

So the adventure begins again. She has already given me ideas on ways she can help if I wish. But I love her ideas.

Now the ugly and bad. Off and on I have been struggling and doing everything to hide it from them. Several times at night both the cat and Ron tried to wake me as I started to yell or scream out. My nightmares have gotten much worse. During the day while they were in the house I would come into my office, shut the door, and breakdown sobbing in tears. I am trying so hard to hold it all together but the memories hurt so bad, they are there always now pushing at the walls I try to build up in my mind. It used to be they were contained but now they are simply there, looking over the wall, shouting at me constantly trying to get my attention.

I did what so many advised and I admitted to my primary care I needed help. He was the first primary care I ever told of my abuse and he impressed me with how he handled the news and me after I told him. But h e sent me to their therapist on staff. But she is a very young woman and she is a behavior therapist and I need a trauma therapist. She is all about how to feel good, such as walk more each day, but I need someone to tell and get help for being a 3-year-old tied to the stair banisters with my arms strung up while I could barely touch the floor. I was nude and sometimes I was blindfolded. Either way I was hit or raped in this position. I need someone to tell these memories to. And it won’t be this 20 year old woman who wants me to think of how I can make my days happier by thinking of sunshine.

So I have tried to do the best I can. Tomorrow Ron will take his sister to the airport and on the way home get the supplies for me to make a tomato spaghetti meal for Randy. Ron will make the meat balls while I make the sauce. I will pretend I am OK and everything is great. Yet inside I will hear the screams of a beaten raped little boy, I will ignore it while I make good for everyone around. And when I lay my head down on the pillow after trying so hard to stop from doing so … the nightmares will come, the memories, the feelings, the screams trying so hard to burst out. And I will control what I can, the cat or Ron will wake me if the noise from my mouth gets too loud. A night of hopefully a bit of rest. Only to wake early in the morning and get up to do it all again. My life, over and over again. Thank you for reading / listening. It is hard to describe what my life is, but maybe this is the best example.

Ron just went to bed. He tried hard to get me to go with him. He knows how hard it is for me and how it is getting harder. The saddest point is he tries to help but doesn’t know how. When I scream out at night he asks if he can hold me knowing that to just grab me or pull me to him will induce more trauma. Having written this with the memories fresh in my mind I am scared to join him in the bedroom. Yet I must. How to finish this post? I never wanted people to feel sorry for me, my life is what it is and what I have tried to make it. Yet the idea of going to bed scares me.

Yes I have a way to end this post. As a kid from 8 to my teen years I would leave the local school and bike to the local town library in our little cow town. I would stay there in safety instead of going home to be abused. The local librarians must have known of my abuse because one of them gave me a book that described what abused boys could do to get help. But like me they were afraid of the big bruiser gorilla that lived in my home that I had to return to. So while I was not allowed to have books at home because that was not what a real boy did, they kept my books behind their desk for me … and every day I was beaten and every night I was raped. But the next day I could go to that town library after school and lose my sore body in the books. But no adult ever became my hero. That was little Scotties life. Good night. Best wishes and hugs.

Thank you everyone.

I thank everyone who is still commenting and reading what little I am posting. I will be back soon hopefully. I was going to make a video today on what has been going on but I am just too tired. Hugs to all. You are grand. Hugs