My labs from Tuesday

On Monday March 23 I had an epidural in my back. On Tuesday I had to have my blood work done for some upcoming doctor’s appointments. Ron and I went over the results and they don’t look good. They look worse on the computer screen than what came out in print because the print did not have all the colors and marks. But I looked up some of the results. One said it could be an indicator of anemia, which I have had in the past bad enough to put me in the hospital. The other suggestion from looking up the fact that all this dealt with my red and white blood cells was leukemia or kidney disease, and more likely autoimmune issues. I have all the symptoms of lupus, and my immune system has long been compromised. So that is a possiblity. My PSA is elevated and my TSH keeps dipping low. That is my thyroid which means is it going hyperactive. My first endocrinologist said that the thyroid reacts to things happening in the body so it could be dropping due to my other results. Medicare kicked back three tests because of changed codes / incorrct codes / or too early. The tests were PSA, A1C, and lipid panel. The lab wanted over $400 for the tests. I declined to pay for it. Here are the printed labs from the website and then scanned so I could include them. I deleted / covered the sensitive identifying information. Got to go get shots from the allergy clinic, they had to put me back on weekly for 5 weeks. Oh and I am salt wasting. No change it is actually the same from the last test and up from the low of 117. My kidneys don’t get the signal from my brain to stop taking salt out of my blood. At 115 you can start to have seizures. I am one of the few people told to eat as much salt as I can. Hugs

And update on our appointment with the heart doctor and then Ron’s melt down. I am so tired and even more tired of trying to stay reasonable.

OK so we had the appointment with his new heart doctor. I liked him he smiled a lot and was a genuinely happy man even though it was clear he had a bent spine and so was hunched over. When Ron told him I was his spouse the doctor totally seemed OK. I was wearing my white pride hat as usual. He remembered Ron from the ICUs and asked if I was medical as well. I replied no Ron was the doctor in our family which got a smile and chuckle from him as Ron tried to protest that which made the doctor smile more. He said he would talk to both of us on my level, even if it was basic for Ron because he wanted me included. When I had a question he would answer it and totally include me in all the discussion. Ron has one blockage they think is 80% and and at least two that are 70% and one that is just starting.

The plan is to do a heart catheterization. They will go in through the wrist and prep the groin in case. They feed a sleeve into the wrist then thread a wire all the way to the arteries around the heart. They then open the blockage, put a stent surrounded by a balloon where the blockage was. If a part of the blockage breaks they can introduce medication right then to stop it from doing any damage.

Wow Ron and I had a huge argument. I dislike it and he totally blames it on me. But when the surgical center called to schedule him for the heart catheterization, and instead of taking the first appointment he asked for one three weeks later. I interrupted and said no you want it sooner if possible.

He kept the appointment for nearly a month and a week out. When he got off the phone I asked him to explain that. Wellhe replied I have Diane flying in on 3-28, and we are scheduled to fly out april 2nd. I was angry and argued with him that this same thing killed his sister’s husband and if he asked her she would agree he needs the early appointment. Which was when he fucked around and after we had a huge fight where I told him that his sister could get her friends and her husband’s friends to do what she had wanted Ron to do. She wants help with the moving company and then driving from Texas to here. When he calmed down from our argument he called her and she agreed with me. So then he was so angry that we had another exchange. I was trying to stay calm but he was so upset he was almost out of control, throwing things. I asked him to think of us. If he suffered a heart attack on the road or moving around furniture at her house he could easily die. I couldn’t keep or repair this house. I would not be able to keep Tupac and no one else around us will let him live with them or pay the 75 dollars for his thyroid medication every 6 to 7 weeks. He is incontinent and he leaves poops dropping out of his butt because he was hit by a golf cart and it damaged his spine and nerves. So he would have to be set on the rainbow bridge. I told him I would end up having to rent a room at Randy’s as he has offered it. Ron was furious and said I was thinking only of myself and I replied he was thinking only of his sister.

But by then it was too late to get in touch with the scheduling department. The heart place is huge and they have their own surgical center there. They only do six procedures on an operating day. So he hopes they will call him today. I worry that he will not be able to get a quicker date so I don’t know what will happen. Hugs

Yesterday and today.

Yesterday was so stressful and a wash. We had to go get our blood drawn. Medicare tossed out three tests one on my prostate, my A1C, and a lipid. All the tests together were over $400, and I refused to pay for them. Then we went out for breakfast. Ron was fading but we hoped food would boost him. It did. Next we went to our local Publix and got a few things for supper. I would make a marinara sauce and Ron would take some chicken breasts, coat them in breading and cook them with Pepper Jack and swiss cheeses. Then after shopping we went to the carwash next door for a $36 carwash. Then we came home about 1 and I was just able to lock in the free full The Majority Report. Then he wanted to nap but once in bed we couldn’t find his phone so he could listen to music. I searched everywhere and then tried to ping it. The ping wouldn’t work which was odd. It would start to then shut off. Which meant someone had shut the phone off each time. I had Ron use my phone to call the diner and yes it was there. So at 1:30 pm I drove him back to the restaurant to get his phone. He was lucky this time. I did not see him put it down, he claims it must have fallen out of his pocket, I lets say I am skeptical. Remember I still had laundry to do, dishes to wash, and Ron wanted me to make a sauce. Because of everything I never started making the sauce until 4:30 which is late because it has no time to simmer. I was limping badly and couldn’t trust my right leg to stand. This morning I got us up at 5:15 am and got him in the shower. He has the important heart doctor appointment. I then took mine. While in the shower I realized as a new patient he would have a bunch of forms and history to fill out. But he couldn’t get to them because you have to be in their system already in the patient portal to even get to the new patient forms. So I rushed to print all the forms and 6 page questionnaire for him. He had just enough time to finish them and now in three minutes we have to go. Sorry for the rushed explanation and for not getting to any comments. I fell into bed right after eating in a lot of pain. My labs are horrible claiming stress and immune failure and possible kidney failure. My body cannot handle stress and I am under a lot of it. Hugs

Some clips from The Majority Report. A personal note. And grateful thanks.

Hi Everyone. Sorry for no posts except from my phone and later from my tablet which I have to carry a backup power supply and cord with me now to doctors appointments as my old pad has a battery life of less than 10 minutes. A new Ipad is not a priority for our money right now even the cheapest one. Ron needs heart surgery, Ron needs cataract surgery, I need both new glasses and cataract surgery, and the van still has an oil leak. Plus Kamyk has basicly given up and slipped into depression. He had an apartment open up that he needed first/ last / and security for which came to $900 a month. It was government-subsidized housing. But because he is in long term care now the nursing home took all his SSI, leaving him with no money. Plus he no longer gets physcial therapy so he is slowly losing the ability to walk again. His sister started a go fund me but he forbade her to tell me about it. He felt we had all done too much for him and did not want me or you people to think he was trying to milk us or be greedy.

In a way I am glad he did not tell me until it was too late because I worry that as he can’t walk well, doesn’t drive, and did not know how long it will take to get his SSI back, that he wouldn’t be able to care for himself and so would be homeless in two months. The nursing home he is in is really nice compared to the last one which was abusing him emotionally, physically, and even sexually because the nurses decided he needed Jesus in his life and he rejected that being forced on him. So they were going to abuse him until he relented and came to their Jesus. This one gives him his medications on time, changes his ostomy bag or helps him do it, and they have been nice / kind to him. I understand his frustrations having to share a room with another person and basicly having no privacy but… the US government / wealthy don’t care about people in a land where profit is king.

I got up at 4:20 to feed the cat who when he thinks he needs food howls to get one of us up. I decided to stay up and watch the recorded news that I did not get to watch yesterday. I was not well at all yesterday, highly stressed which has been the situation for a while. My doctors were clear and Ron reminded me that my body breaks down under stress, and I am to be under as little stress as possible. That is not possible and has not been for a while. When I woke yesterday it was already much later than normal for me. Ron said he could tell I was having a bad night, I was highly agitated. I had gotten up at 2 am with a huge contracture, a “cramp” in the large side muscle in the upper part of the leg. I managed to get out of bed but couldn’t straighten out my leg. I spent 30 minutes moving around the bed holding on to the dresser and the end of the bed, leaning over to put weight on the leg, then removing it. Eventally I got it to touch the floor and hold some weight so I limped to my office and got a cane, then went to the bathroom which was a critical need by then. Ron never woke up and was upset I did not wake him. Not much he could do that I did not know to do myself.

When I got up with Ron at 7 I still couldn’t move or use the leg which was being electrified from the knee down, I couldn’t bend the leg due to the muscle still hurting from the cramp. I was swinging the leg forward and walking “peg legged” with a cane. Ron realized something was wrong and had me take my blood pressure and pulse. My blood pressure was extremely high. My pulse was also far too high. So high he asked me to take another dose of my blood pressure and heart rate medications. Ron had me sitting and checking it every ten minutes. It was not coming down and the first news show I started watching made it worse. So as I as them recorded I went back to bed until noon.

The reason for so much stress is Ron. He had his new medication Saturday that opens the arteries so he was better Sunday, but all day friday and Saturday I had to watch him and deal with him. He was exstrememly forgetful, unable to work his computer, he would sit in his recliner and fall asleep even during a conversation. He has bad sleep apnea and so he has to have his CPAP machine anytime he goes to sleep. But even in the bed he was forgetting to put it on until reminded. I offered to move it out to his chair but he would promise not to fall asleep as he just wanted to watch a few things on TV, 2 minutes later he was asleep. I would make him go to bed and I stay there until he had his CPAP on. I don’t dare let him drive like this so I am doing all the driving and shopping now. I am doing the dishes so he doesn’t exsert himself and the last time he washed the dishes he put everything away in the worng drawers not even realizing he was doing it. So yesterday afternoon while he slept I did the dishes. He cooked a porkloin last night so I have a bunch of dishes to do when I get home. I did pick everything up and rinsed everything off / out so it should be easier than it could have been.

I have a doctor’s appointment this morning and I have to go with Ron as you can see to his new heart surgeon on Wednesday morning, which I have to look up and see where he is. I am tired people. I went to bed at 5 yesterday but kept getting up to check on Ron as he was in his recliner and I wanted to make sure he was not sleeping. Care of the cat has totally fallen to me now. I asked him if he could clean the cat litter box before he came to bed. He assured me he would so I went to bed. And he did not do it as he forgot. I did it when I woke up. Randy is sick after just having surgery, his parents are both sick / ill. Ron is teetering with the same thing that killed his brother-in-law. And I am worried and scared.

When I get the dishes done today I will try to get to the wonderful comments and reply to somethings Ali posted which I appreciate. Ali has really stepped up and is posting more to give everyone something on the blog to read and engage in. I can’t say how much I am grateful for that. Got to go. Hugs

For Randy who is not feeling well right now.

Hate and how to respond

I need to apologize for the lack of posts the last three days. I have been spending a lot of time with Ron and I have been cooking three meals a day and doing the dishes and laundry which has left little time for posting. Then late last night Ron realized how much he had been taking of my time and so today he wanted to leave me alone. But then I did something I had not done for a month or more, I went to the abuse survivor site. And one post led to the next and eventually to eventally 40 open tabs of fellow abuse survivors discussions of what they went through. When Ron got back at 3:30 he noticed I was very upset. He kept asking why until I told him. Then he was angry. He wanted to go in and close the entire window of open tabs. He joked of taking my computer away from me like a teenager who went to the wrong websites. I had to explain it to him. I can’t talk to anyone about my childhood / young adult abuse. I don’t have anyone to share the memories with other than the blog and I feel horrible when I do that even though it helps me because I can’t help but think I am hurting people I care about like it hurts Ron when I share my memories with him. But on that site, on the male survivor website are people who went through what I did, and they understand, they can hear me, and I can hear them with out it harming us, except that it becomes a loop I struggle to break out of. I want to read every post and give a reply because I was there as they were, I am suffering as they are, and I can understand their pain and anger as they can mine. It is a place to share my memories with people and not feel I am damaging them because they are already hurt. Ron struggled to understand that and I told him. “You did not know my abusers like I did. But by the time you met them I had moved out of their home and they had moved on to their own homes and families. I reminded him my abusive hellspawn sister who threw parties offering me as a party flavor to any teen who wanted me male or female required her own son to sleep in her bedroom from his preteen years until he left the house as an adult”. I know she made me please her, did she do the same to him? I was paralyzed to help him. At the time ron did not know of my abuse but he felt something was wrong. It was well known in the “family” and no one thought it wrong. I suspect my oldest male hellspawn did the same to his two young daughters. I reminded Ron how my adoptive mother kept trying to kiss me on the lips when she was in the park model we owned. He looked stricken and walked away, I think he had not connected the dots of that and how I had to try to avoid that. Anyway I have deleted the window those tabs were in and I am going to reply to a few comments do the few dishes, and then try to do a cartoons / memes / news roundup hopefully for tomorrow. Hugs

A bunch of The Majority Report Clips on different subjects.

Let me explain the lack of posts, and I do feel bad about it.

Since Ron came home we have been very intuned with each other. Each of us trying to give the other space and as much positive interaction as possible. Yet I started to get irritable and Ron was noticing so I apologized this morning. This morning is important, but let’s get back to that.

Ron needs interaction and attention. Plus I have gone back to making meals and making sure he eats. That takes two hours out of my morning at least, but even more when I tell you what happened this morning.

I got up at five, fed the cat who clings to me even though he is Ron’s cat. I settled down to “work” putting together the cartoon / meme / news roundup that has not gone out in recent days. Then Ron surprised me. He got up early at 6:30 am. OK.

TMI to come.

It is my birthday and knowing how sexual I am he appeared at my office door offering sexual relations. One of the issues Ron had with the effects of the libido killing medication is he felt pressured some times to meet my needs when he really did not want to or feel it. I had made a promise to not put such pressure on him when we talked about it when he got home at the same time he was trying to tell me he realized how important it was and wanted to work to be more sexual and he was starting to feel more sexual desire as the medications worked out of his system. But when he appeared with his grand offer I had to gently tell him I felt that because today was my birthday he would feel pressured to offer me favors. I did not want him to feel that pressure and because I am hypersexual … Again TMI… I masturbated in my office to porn before he got up… Twice. When I explained that to him at first he seemed surprised and then I got the reaction I wanted when I explained it. He blossomed and lite up understanding I was respecting him.

Then I went back to my posting and and for the next three hours Ron kept coming to my door to talk to me, to ask my opinion on this or that or could I go with him to another part of the house to talk about something. I guess I started to show irritation because Ron suddenly said this will be the last time I bother you.

But this is what has been happening since he has been home. He doesn’t seem to understand I need time and ability to do the posts. I need to understand he needs and wants my interactions. I try to divert him to his own projects but he is not easy to divert.

OK one of the reasons I voluntarily went to therapy was I was lashing out at Ron in irritation of everything. I have PTSD and according to the therapist, I am OCD. I use the OCD to try to manage my PTSD. So when Ron is being himself and is not ordered, not picked up, not… well Ron is a old never reformed youngest child frat boy. He leaves everything where he last used, he folds towels like if he just gets it somewhat near a shape he can push it on the shelf, or he will root for a towel leaving the rest looking like a possum made a nest of them. He will leave his socks on what ever surface in the livingroom he takes them off near. His shoes are all over the house I trip over them. The end of last year I was exploding and very angry. I went to therapy.

Before I saw “Sally Sunshine” I had already figured out the problem and the solution. I have lived with Ron for 36 years. I knew and accepted what he was in the first few months. I thought over the years I could change him but over the last year I was lashing out at him for these things and he was getting very defensive and withdrawing from me. I realized the truth before I ever saw the therapist, and she was shocked I figured this out.

The problem was not Ron nor his actions which he always apologized for and said he would correct. The problem was my reaction to it and how I was letting my irritation build to massive anger. I got to the point when the towel shelves were messed up I would angrily demand he come back down to the bedroom and refold every towel. He would do it but he was hurt. Once I steped back from it all then realized something important. He was hurt!

Before I went to therapy I realized the simple truth of the situation. If it bothered me so much I could simply correct it myself. Why humiliate him and make him feel bad for something he couldn’t help as it was ingrained in him and he couldn’t stop it anymore than I could stop the nightmares at night that leave me screaming that he tries to save me from? I vowed to change and I did. Now when the towels are rooted through I simply take them out and refold them my self like I want them to be. That is what I should have done from the start. I love him.

Back to this morning. While he was standing there nude in my office doorway I went to him and hugged him. I apologized for my irritability the last few days and told him it was wrong of me. I also told him it was OK for him to call me out on it if I get acting irritable with him again. Boy did he put that to the test this morning with three hours of needing / wanting my attention. But it worked out. I gave him the attention he wanted.

This afternoon he went out. Did I mention it is my birthday? He came back with two big steaks, something I have always loved but on our income have not had in nearly a year. He also had flowers he arranged and put in a vase. He got all the things I might like such as baking potatoes and the fixing for them. He had gone out for prime rib but he couldn’t find it, his other choice was to take me out, but sadly I have gotten to dislike leaving my home. I know I need to change that but even as I offered to go out Ron realized I wouldn’t enjoy it. I only leave the house now for doctor’s appointments or to accompany him on large shopping trips. I have developed an anxiety about leaving the house just like I have for voice conversations on the phone.

So Ron is making a large birthday meal complete…

So Ron called me to eat. He had set up the folding table we use as a dining room table while the remodeling is going on. He had a vase of flowers and our plates of steak and spiral potatoes. I could see he was frustrated as he apologized he never got the broccoli with cheese sauce done. It was a good meal, everything was tasty and good. I ate my fill of decent steak something I have not had in a long time and Ron cooked them on the grill. It was wonderful.

I did ask him what he wanted for his upcoming 71st birthday, and he suggested several things not available in our area that he got in Texas. But then he said he would think on it. What ever makes him happy I will do.

But I had started tomorrow’s cartoons / memes / and news roundup but it is late here after 7 pm, and I am wearing down. By this time normally I am thinking of bed and to tell the truth I am now. I will try to do a bit more and get up at 4 am to get it out at a resonable tiime. Just letting everyone know why posts have been sporadic and not timely. Thanks in advance for your understanding. This is our 36th year together and I am not going to jeopardize our relationship. But I have to get him to find a balance. I need to find a balance as well. Hugs

This is our Tupac

Tupac was hurt and struggled to survive for so long with no home. When Ron and I first met him and the other cat he was barely hanging on. I was getting up at 2 or 3 am and feeding them both them. They were ravenous. They got so little food they scarfed down what they could get. The female was feral, but Tupac had been an inside cat and slowly moved into being inside. During the hurricane Ian James got Tupac in and he stayed inside, but she did not. We don’t know what happened to her, but Ron adopted Tupac then, renamed him and we paid for his vet bills. And both Ron and I let the neighborhood know he was now our cat and anything dealing with him needed to go through us. The costs have been a lot, but he has filled out, he has been given back a chance at life, and he loves us so. And even though I keep telling everyone he is Ron’s cat I am the one that dotes on him and who he snuggles with in the bed at night. But make no mistake, Ron wanted him, Ron insisted, Ron named him, he is Ron’s cat. Who just happens to lie purring quietly on my arm in the bed at night. But he still wakes up at between 3 and 4 and cries out to me for food. You can guess what I do. When I get back to bed Ron is he had been awakened will say , I would have done that if you wanted. But he can sleep through Tupac’s cries for food and I cannot. So I do it. Hugs

For the wonderful people worried about my health / happiness especially since I wrote about being triggered. TLDR version I am so happy

Hi everyone. I really am so grateful for all of you and the support that you give me and others here. After I posted about the trigger event I think an important part got missed and today with all going on my wonderful husband offered to help me finish the dishes I was doing even though I knew he wanted to get on to other things. So I want to share this post with all of you.

I am happier than I can remember being in a long time.

For starters the triggering event was because Ron my husband who struggles to have the sexual desire I do was offering happily for us to … well have sex. But he was so wonderful with the way he handled it and when he got back up and made sure I was OK, he offered again. I said later.

Ron got home on the evening of the 2nd of March. Since then he has watched carefully to make sure I was not harming myself by taking on too much, instead softly forcing me to rest as he took over. On the personal side he has made it a daily routine and returned to the old normal of touching each other during the day and giving kisses and hugs. If he sees me struggling he intervenes right away.

But it goes both ways. Ron loves my cooking and with him home I have really been doing my best and in fact loving it. It gets to hurt so bad sitting in my desk chair and when we talk about what’s for supper and I provide a suggestion he asks if I would like to do it and I really want to. He does the chopping of vegetables and meats and I do the cooking / seasoning and set up the serving area.

Remember how I grew up. When I went out on my own I had no cooking skill at all. When Ron moved into my home I had eggs and hot dogs in the refrigerator. I simply had no clue how to make food. Ron first made food I fell in love with and started teaching me seasonings. I took to it like a fish to water and now he lets me take the lead on joint meal projects. And that is what the meals are, we work together on the idea and what we would like the outcome to be. He does any chopping because my eye sight is so bad and I have cut my self so badly at times. But then he lets me do my thing and comes to taste or add suggestions as I ask. He always does the cleanup as he understands how tired I am by then.

But it is more than meals. At night I struggle to sleep, and Tupac presses as hard to me as he can most of the time. Ron will reach out and touch me on the shoulder, arm, or back just to let me know he is there. If he knows or thinks I am struggling he will talk to me. If he knows I am awake he will ask if we can cuddle some more. I so love that but the issue there is Tupac. During the three months Ron was gone Tupac got very attached to me. He sleeps as close to me as he can get often laying his head on my folded arm. Ron says as long as I am able to sleep like that Tupac will stay asleep right there. If I shift he will move lower towards my belly and again push against me. If he doesn’t have paws touching me or himself he will lie with his head pointed at me and looking either up or down and his tail to Ron.

The few times I have moved him and set his stuff up so he was on the other side of us so Ron and I could cuddle he got very upset. So now I only do it if I have responded to his middle of the night need for food and while he is gone change the places of his sleep towels and blanket. He still doesn’t like it. The first night we did it in the morning Ron went to pet him and Tupac swatted at him.

I am sorry this is rambling, I guess I did not do a good job ordering my thoughts. I am just so happy which is an emotion I so rarely get to enjoy I wanted to share it all with everyone. Things seem so good, clear, wonderful, and grand, and Ron and I are more in tune with each other than we have been in a long time. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don’t know, but the way he looks at me, the way his arms encircle me, and the way he gives me quick kisses are like it was half a decade ago and so wonderful. My body responds to him like in the old days and he enjoys it. That is new and I love it.

As for the bad events / the vortex. It has not been as bad since Ron has been home. I have had minor ones and have retreated to my “pink palace office” to cry quietly and try to deal. But the horrid nightmares reliving the events of my past have not happened since he came home. I have not needed to desperately cry out for help or in pain as I relive the things done to me. I know they will, but I also know he will be there. Listening and ready to help me face the demons and hurts that I will never totally make go away. I have noticed he is careful to not overload me mentally, emotionally, or physically. He will often tell me it is time for a break or that he would like to take over, or his favorite trick… I need a break do you mind if we rest for a while? I know he is doing it for me. But it still is grand. OK I don’t have a real ending here other than he just came into the office as I was writing this , leaned over me and gave me a kiss. I asked if he needed help with anything and his reply was not yet, I will let you know when. Maybe just possibly what they say about love is true, it can heal the wounds if you let it. Just know that now I am so very happy an emotion I have not felt in a long time. Hugs