I would like to make a personal post if no one minds

https://gofund.me/5d1def2cc

Ok I know that as soon as most of you read the title you thought I was going to talk again about my childhood abuse.

No what I need help with is for another abuse victim I have come to care a lot about. He and I met through the abuse site and we bonded emotionally. He needed to vent a lot of anger / hate / why me stuff and I was OK with him doing it on me as long as he never attacked me personally. He also came to care about me and the kind nature I shared with him. He is much farther along in his therapy so was able to point things out to me far sooner than everyone here did.

I think by now everyone who follows here realizes I am talking about Kamyk. Pronounced Camick. He got very ill shortly after we were friends and if you look back through the archives I asked and many of you did send him cards in the ICU he was in. He has told me I can share his medical condition he has suffered from all his life and he blames it on both his childhood abuse and his father’s narcistic behavior he developed cysts on his colon. One day he was talking to me telling me how much pain he was in and then he was gone. Rushed to the hospital and placed in an ICU.

Normally to do a GI surgery they have to void the bowels entirely but they simply did not have time and when they tried he crashed, so they rushed him to surgery and according to the surgeon it was the worst most dirty bowel surgery he ever did.

Sadly they had to take a large part of Kamyk’s intestines and his entire colon. Kamyk wanted to die. After a year of nearly doing so and many surgeries he was left with a couple stomas and an ileostomy. He came so close to death that several times I asked people here to send him cards. I know some did.

Long story short, after all this time he got the ileostomy reversed and one of the stomas. He could have gone back to his apartment he had managed to keep paying for … but the first nursing home he was sent to let him get a huge pressure sore on his tailbone that is so deep doctors are saying it would take a year to heal. I get pressure sores and I know what to do once they developed, the pictures Kamyk sent me were so deep and so gross it is a violation of every medical rule I ever practiced under. It was criminal.

Sadly in a depressed area of the country one can’t sue a medical provider as all the other providers close their doors to you. I mean if you sue a hospital in your area you better hope you never need a hospital again. Unless you are in the emergency room dying no physician can admit you.

Against all odds Kamyk has pulled through everything life thrown at him. He aggressively started learning to walk again after one surgery left one of his legs not working. He really wanted to get out of there and return to his home and I think we can all understand that. Through it all on a very limited income Kamyk kept paying the rent on his apartment. Until just recently tragedy struck in the form of the government and greed.

Kamyk was looking forward to going home from the step down care facility he was in. But without his knowing the facility he was in made arrangements to transfer him to a nursing home. The nursing home grabbed his entire SSI payment which meant not only did his rent payment fail but a recent device he had saved up for to buy also defaulted in the payments.

I understand what he is saying as when Ron’s brother had to be put into a nursing home we had to jump through the same damn situation. He was only allowed 30 dollars of his SSI payment but Ron had to stop his military disability payment of $100 dollars because that put him over the limit allowed to be in the nursing home. Everything was so strict that Ron and his sister Diane had to pay what few bills he had, they sold his car, and they had to buy him anything he needed as he was not allowed to have any money build up in his bank account. The system is designed to keep the person in the home as poor as possible, while letting the home take all the money and assets that person has. It is the punish the poor republican idea of if they are poor then it is their fault.

Here is why I am writing all this. I was going to start a Go Fund Me for Kamyk. He bought a Steam Deck computer device that would let him keep up with friends around the world and with me in a situation where he couldn’t use voice talk to communicate. As you can imagine some of the things Kamyk would like to talk abut can’t be voiced loudly in a shared room. Also he needs it is so he can play games with his friend of a decades Wolfy and escape from the horrid place he is in at least for a while, something every one I really understand. I have worked in a nursing home for a few weeks and I can tell you that the residents in some homes don’t have much to do all day and don’t get much respect. The staff is over worked, underpaid, and they are struggling also.

I care deeply for my friend and have seen how horrendous this time has been for him. He is in a very depressed area of the country in Ohio and he has no family in a position to help him.

Kamyk has helped me do this by sending me a blurb and other information. They will be below. Thanks and hugs.

Kamyk’s journey has been incredibly tough, and it’s clear that every day presents new challenges. After enduring multiple life-threatening infections and a long recovery, the road ahead still feels uncertain. Living in a nursing home where their needs are often overlooked only adds to the struggle. One thing that could bring Kamyk some much-needed joy and connection is the ability to play games with their best friend in New Zealand. A Steam Deck and a secure backpack would provide a way to escape the pain and trauma, even if just for a little while. This small gesture could make a significant difference in their healing process. If you can, please consider contributing to this cause. Your support would mean the world to Kamyk and help them find moments of happiness during this difficult time. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. Best regards, https://gofund.me/5d1def2cc

My Cartoon / memes / and news I want to share. Post 1-13-2026

OK I love making this post, it is the one I love the most, even while I feel keeping people up to date on the assaults on civil rights is also just as important. But I need to explain why this post won’t be posted on the date that it normally would be. And that is because my health failed just as the US Government thugs wanted the US public health to fail.

Let us move back in time. By Thursday Ron noticed my posting and my frantic need to get them all done was increasing and he warned me to back down a bit. Ron is 70 yrs old and knows what we went through when I drastically over reached my abilities and he is terrified of my 2014 breakdown. My body shuts down and in 2013 when I did that it lead to my total breakdown in 2014 when my body started “eating itself” my way of saying that I was going into organ failure. Every doctor I had at that time told me to stop, but I did not want to as I loved what I was doing … and I ended up with a total break from reality for a year refusing to leave my bedroom. It took Randy, my doctors, and Ron almost a year to get me out of that situation.

So since then, Ron has become sensitive when I might be slipping back into that again. Which leads to where I am at now.

By the end of the week on Thursday Ron was asking me to back off. I was manic about posting. I was so filled with glee about how much I was pushing out. I had done my daily stuff and still had saved articles I wanted to post the next day. He saw the progression coming. So he asked me if I wouldn’t rather do other stuff than post. I misunderstood and thought he meant do stuff like cook dinner or make bread, stuff I love doing, but then after I went back to the blog. It negated what he was trying to distract me from.

Friday he left me alone thinking I would run out of stuff to post so it would be OK. But then came Sunday and the News Shows. I set up my TV recording equipment and I delve into them, something Ron hates. I get so upset over the bias on each show and start getting so upset and shouting at the playback that I have to keep the door closed and Ron doesn’t want my commentary afterward.

That was when Ron noticed that my health went fully bad. He was worried before. But on Sunday he saw me getting more and more pale. But I kept pushing forward. He asked me many times to stop posting and instead join him in other activities. I told him I had too much backlog of posting to do and besides I don’t really like the same things he does. I did not realize it was an attempt to distract me from what was now becoming and has been for a long time my obsession. Plus I was getting ill and did not understand.

On Monday I woke barely able to walk. During the night Ron had watched me as I went from fear / anger / begging / and when I got up earlier than him I did not know any of this. We were to go out and do our big grocery shopping but I did not feel up to it at all. But I was willing and when he got up I told him that.

Ron then said instead of going out he asked me if he could do some checks with our medical equipment and I agreed and why not. Then I told Ron that if we did not need to go out I would rather not. He then told me I was pale, I kept saying I was very very tired and not seeming right at all. I told him I was just tired, a bit of rest and I would be fine. I tried to post and really couldn’t, nothing seem to connect for me. Then came the moment of truth. I started throwing up. But I hid that from Ron.

Ron looked into my open office door and seen me with my head hanging down struggling to function. He asked me if I was OK! And the first two times I said yes as I was just resting, the third time I was going out and he was not going to accept that and forced me to bed as I started to throw up again. I had not eaten much if anything but my body was at its limit.

I went to bed with Ron’s assistance and his insistence. I slept for 11 hours uninterrupted only twice getting up to urinate. I woke up this morning on Tuesday with a clear head, my stomach not trying to reject my being, and we went out and got our groceries. A post I will make some other time.

This post is not so much about my failure to understand how frail my body is nor about how protective Ron has become over me in our life, but it is just what I hope will be the warning of how the tRump people want to make our lives so difficult that we suffer for even standing up to them. I will stand up to them and post their horrific activities but … maybe not to the extent that it causes me to throw up and fall asleep at my desk. Thank you. Hugs.

Oh and the post that should have gone out today will somehow go out tomorrow. Hugs

Invictus Poem

Recently in a comment Roger sent me a poem. I am not much on poetry but this one is short and powerful and it expresses what I am feeling inside most days. Thank you very much Roger for believing in me and your support. Hugs

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invictus

The good, bad and the ugly

Hello all. I hope you are all having a grand Christmas. I did. I am … yet now I am struggling.

See Ron’s sister has been with us for two weeks and she had been a great grand help. She took over ever duty I had and helped me get back to the blog. Plus she gave Ron a connection to his childhood and his youth. Plus she gave me all her husband’s clothing and we are the same size. So for Christmas I got a complete new wardrobe of shorts / pants / shirts / and dress stuff. I was down to only two ill-fitting pair of old pants that hung off me. So it was a timeless gift. But her help was not done.

She brought big sister energy so while I have tried hard to get Ron to throw out old construction debris that he had piled in several rooms I never could get him to do so. She did. Then she got him to organize and pack away a lot of stuff he was just piling up. I was so happy we got back to a having two rooms that we had lost to just Ron piling things in them. But it gets even better.

She and Ron spent the time looking at places here that might fit her needs so she could be here in the winters instead of being up north and she has found what she wanted, she put in an offer and the people accepted. So she will come stay with us on and off this winter and then next year be here full-time. I love it.

Please understand I never had a caring sibling. I met my wonderful “brother” Randy well into adulthood and Randy is everything an abused kid like myself could every hope for in a supportive sibling. He has been the brother I always wanted … yet never had until a decade ago. But Ron had a tight knit large family who cares for each other and really they do care and love each other. Watching him and Diane this last two weeks has been amazing. In a way I am jealous because no matter how hard they try to include me … they are in a world of their own past. Having Ron’s sister as a part of our lives is going to be grand.

So the adventure begins again. She has already given me ideas on ways she can help if I wish. But I love her ideas.

Now the ugly and bad. Off and on I have been struggling and doing everything to hide it from them. Several times at night both the cat and Ron tried to wake me as I started to yell or scream out. My nightmares have gotten much worse. During the day while they were in the house I would come into my office, shut the door, and breakdown sobbing in tears. I am trying so hard to hold it all together but the memories hurt so bad, they are there always now pushing at the walls I try to build up in my mind. It used to be they were contained but now they are simply there, looking over the wall, shouting at me constantly trying to get my attention.

I did what so many advised and I admitted to my primary care I needed help. He was the first primary care I ever told of my abuse and he impressed me with how he handled the news and me after I told him. But h e sent me to their therapist on staff. But she is a very young woman and she is a behavior therapist and I need a trauma therapist. She is all about how to feel good, such as walk more each day, but I need someone to tell and get help for being a 3-year-old tied to the stair banisters with my arms strung up while I could barely touch the floor. I was nude and sometimes I was blindfolded. Either way I was hit or raped in this position. I need someone to tell these memories to. And it won’t be this 20 year old woman who wants me to think of how I can make my days happier by thinking of sunshine.

So I have tried to do the best I can. Tomorrow Ron will take his sister to the airport and on the way home get the supplies for me to make a tomato spaghetti meal for Randy. Ron will make the meat balls while I make the sauce. I will pretend I am OK and everything is great. Yet inside I will hear the screams of a beaten raped little boy, I will ignore it while I make good for everyone around. And when I lay my head down on the pillow after trying so hard to stop from doing so … the nightmares will come, the memories, the feelings, the screams trying so hard to burst out. And I will control what I can, the cat or Ron will wake me if the noise from my mouth gets too loud. A night of hopefully a bit of rest. Only to wake early in the morning and get up to do it all again. My life, over and over again. Thank you for reading / listening. It is hard to describe what my life is, but maybe this is the best example.

Ron just went to bed. He tried hard to get me to go with him. He knows how hard it is for me and how it is getting harder. The saddest point is he tries to help but doesn’t know how. When I scream out at night he asks if he can hold me knowing that to just grab me or pull me to him will induce more trauma. Having written this with the memories fresh in my mind I am scared to join him in the bedroom. Yet I must. How to finish this post? I never wanted people to feel sorry for me, my life is what it is and what I have tried to make it. Yet the idea of going to bed scares me.

Yes I have a way to end this post. As a kid from 8 to my teen years I would leave the local school and bike to the local town library in our little cow town. I would stay there in safety instead of going home to be abused. The local librarians must have known of my abuse because one of them gave me a book that described what abused boys could do to get help. But like me they were afraid of the big bruiser gorilla that lived in my home that I had to return to. So while I was not allowed to have books at home because that was not what a real boy did, they kept my books behind their desk for me … and every day I was beaten and every night I was raped. But the next day I could go to that town library after school and lose my sore body in the books. But no adult ever became my hero. That was little Scotties life. Good night. Best wishes and hugs.

Thank you everyone.

I thank everyone who is still commenting and reading what little I am posting. I will be back soon hopefully. I was going to make a video today on what has been going on but I am just too tired. Hugs to all. You are grand. Hugs

The importance of choosing your own name

I have been really struggling lately. I keep saving comments to answer later that days go by I don’t get to. I keep saving them so I can reply. I have not announced it here on the Play Time but I finally made an appointment with a therapist.

When I made the appointment they asked a few questions and then tried to get me to come in the next morning. I said no. I just couldn’t deal with it. On top of the car just needing a new engine for 4 grand due to a faulty temperature sensor we had the van checked. It is 17 years old. It has a lot of small stuff wrong but each fix adds up and the total was two grand.

I am hardly sleeping and during the day the intrusive thoughts can get me struggling and crying. So what should only take me a few hours ends up taking me 6 to 8 hours. It is even more frustrating because my attention deficit disorder has increased to the point I can lose track of what I am doing or get switched over to something else almost without noticing so that I get pulled down rabbit holes until I see it.

Also I find sitting at the computer gets painful so I get up and do things like the dishes. Sadly I drive myself to the point I can’t stand or are near collapse. That happened last night. Ron was doing other things so I had the night before promised to take a small amount of mashed potatoes left over and fry it along with making him scrambled eggs. Then I did dishes at noon and right after I made a red sauce. I was exhausted and not able to stand by the time I got it done. Ron put the red sauce aside and made us the planned supper of chicken, pork, and beef chopped up for fajitas. But I could hardly eat.

Then Ron found me falling asleep at my desk I was so tired. Ron asked me as he helped me to get my nighttime meds and go to bed, Ron asked me if I had managed to get to the comments I had told him I saved. I just sighed. I told him I still have them saved and will get up in the morning and reply to them. I did not do that. I used to jump out of bed fully energized which always amazed Ron. Now I struggle to get up, often laying there for several hours hoping to go back to sleep. In the past I would get up in the middle of the night if I couldn’t sleep, but now I just lay there desperately hoping to sleep without a nightmare.

But this is not what this post is about.

I use a name not used by my abusers. The name they used for me was a slave name. You can see it used for one of the prominent characters in Roots. It was used to make me an it. I was often told how I got my name at age three. My first real memories are a bus ride next to a woman I did not know. I am told when she introduced me to the “family” one of my hell spawn female siblings ask “What do you call IT“ My new adoptive mother gave me the name normally given to slaves in the south as I understand. I never used it personally and hated it all my life.

Ron never used it even though they tried to get him to do so. They would use it to him to refer to me and he would pretend to not know who they were talking about. I guess good for me the name was not the one used on my birth certificate so as I got to move beyond their influence I could use my birth name and then when I got away from all their ability to influence or threaten me I modified my birth name to what I felt most comfortable. See the only time they used the real name was to mock me and so when I got the chance to choose my name for myself I did.

I am Scottie !!!

I love who Scottie is and think he is done very well with the life hand he was dealt. But all this is to explain why the series of cartoons by Sophie Labelle are so important to me. So here is the one by her that jogged me to make this post. I had tried to restrict posts about my abuse. But this was so on point I knew I had to do so. Sadly I had no father or other to help me find it, they hated that I demanded they call me by it. It caused me to hang up on them repeatedly when they would call me by my abused name. They finally did adjust when in their old age they needed me to help them. Hugs

Why posts have been sparse

Ron and I have been ill for days. I got sick Wednesday night. I got up with diarrhea and sick to my stomach. Ron also got the same symptoms. During this time we were to go get the car from the garage but I was vomiting too hard to so the first day. Today he still has issues as do I. Ron thinks we got a case of covid. I don’t know. But it has been really hard to be at the computer and no work on the house has been done. If you put comments to post know I will be getting to them as soon as I am not coughing up mucus and having stuff come out both ends … horribly. Ron thought covid but I think we got food poisoning. But there are no food inspectors now so … Hugs and good night.

Some recent information, why I have not posted much even the cartoons, and Ron and I made a supper together but towards the end I couldn’t move with out nearly passing out.

Hi all. Thank you for being here. Thank you to Ali and Randy who keep the blog from becoming a feel bad for Scottie place. Last night I was feeling overwhelmed by the time I went to bed. I got up and told Ron I was going to bed because I was crying and trying to not let it show. He gets so upset if he comes to the office and sees me crying my eyes out. So I went to bed, hoping I could write a story in my mind to distract it / my mind from my damn first 24 years of my life. I got into bed and felt the void racing to cover me. The void is the huge dark emptiness that in my mind is like a tornado or hurricane. In the past Randy has helped me escape it by using him, his name, his person as a handle that keeps the vortex from being able to draw me in, to suck me down, to rip me away.

So I laid in the bed desperately trying to quickly create a narrative, a story that would keep my mind occupied so it would leave the memories and attach itself to the story I was trying to create. Most of the time, not always, but most of the time I can do it. Last night I failed. So in an attempt to quiet my mind and sooth my soul I turned to my saved music. I don’t listen to music much these days, preferring news podcasts and a lot of music I got from Jill and I owe her thanks, because it was some of her songs that helped me survive last night.

The double edge sword of the music is the lyrics and sounds that drew me to them to help me fight back the demons of my childhood gave them a foothold into my mind last night. But the music was working I was beating them back, not giving into the worst impulses, trying to hold on to sanity, and I was gaining ground. I tried to post them as a way to seek help. But for every step forward I was being knocked back. My pain was soaring.

Then Ron came to bed. Just walking in the room he realized what was happening. He turned on lights and moved the cat and asked me to cuddle with him. He took my phone and shut it down setting it on the bed headboard. He held me close before we even turned out the lights. I was struggling to speak and he simply held me until I calmed down. He kept talking to me and sadly I don’t remember what he said, just that I finally felt safe and warm. Then I feel asleep.

In the night I woke up to feed the cat at 03:30 and worried what I had posted in my pain. Then at 06:30 Ron and I both woke up to the cat wanting his window blinds moved up so he could see the kingdom outside he still feels is his domain. He howled until he got his way. I asked Ron is the same trick would work for me and he informed me to not even think of trying it.

Move to this afternoon. I was trying to answer comments and I have not done a real cartoon / meme post in days when at noon I got up to do the dishes. After I got done with them Ron mentioned he really would like me to make the kind of chili I was talking about the day before. I explained it was only an idea but we could try. I had already done the dishes and was needing to sit down but I started to do the chili with 2 pounds of Hamburg.

But the package recipe called for tomato sauce in a small amount. We had tomato sauce in 29 oz cans but not the small size needed. But I had a plan. I took a tomato paste can and added about the needed amount of water and heating it over the stove and stirred it into a nice paste. Now we could start. Sadly I was already wiped out. So I got out my rolling chair that Ron bought me. It is super high and able to let me look down into the highest posts on our stove sitting on the chair.

So the rest just followed. Browning the hamburger, and doing everything that came on after the other. Pictures will be below.

What we needed to decide next was do we add all the seasoning in the box or adjust to our own. I was used to adding them all and then adding my own. So we did. Then I got to playing. A dash of this here and a shake of that there. I added a couple spoons of garlic, which I love the taste of.

Then I got it to where I had only one thing left to decide, the masa. I had never added it before but I felt I should. What I was hoping was a rich brown smooth creamy sauce that the restaurant chili has and even the canned Wolf chili we get has. Mine did not come out like that. It was good but sadly not creamy reach like the store bought ones or the restaurant kinds. Ron added sour cream to his and said it made a big difference. The chili is not bad, it is very tasty and favorable. It just is more gritty and strong than it is smooth and flowing. Hugs and loves. If you have an idea what to do to make it seem more creamy and flowing brown, then please let me know. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie

An update on the car and the bathroom, both are going to cost more money.

Hello Everyone. I hope all are having a grand day. We had the car taken to a garage to have it repaired. The engine did seize but the timing chain did not break as we thought. Ron asked why the engine locked up and the guy couldn’t tell why yet. It had the correct amount of oil but the anti-freeze which had been full was way down. The mechanic seem to think the engine block could have cracked. Either way it would have to be replaced. The needs a different engine … but new engines for that car are hard to get and the cost has jumped because they are made in Mexico and tRump’s tariffs are jumping up the price. The good news is after calling a dozen different places the man was able to find an engine for it that had only 5,000 miles on it. Basically new. The car it had been in was totaled so he could get it for us for 2 grand. Ron told him to go ahead. He will get back to us with the labor cost.

On the bathroom well all good plans of … Ron got the pipes in for the water lines both hot and cold also the shower drain, we got the toilet taken off, the new floor put down which due to the tiles no locking heeded to be glued with corners ones being brad nailed, the toilet replaced with a new seal. All good. Ron rechecked his measurements and we even set the shower where he wanted it to check the alignment of the water and drain pipes. We moved the shower back out and Ron built half the wall going across the two bathrooms and which would be the side wall of the shower. He installed the vent pipe in the wall. He ran the electric needed for the exhaust fan through the 2x4s.

Then life got in the way of it being easy. This morning we moved the shower in front of where it was to go. Ron had for some reason made the drain pipe far too high from the floor decided to block the shower up so we could slide it back in place and lower it down over the pipe. We got it blocked up and several times the blocks fell sideways so we scrambled to keep the shower from doing any damage like braking a water pipe. Then as he got it back nearly to the wall reality made itself clear.

The shower did not fit between the wall and the water pipes and the shower drain was off center of the hole in the shower itself. Ron tried so hard to force it to wedge it in place until I reminded him that if he broke the pipes then the floor would have to be taken up and as it was glued that means all new floor tiles. So we stopped for the day. Tomorrow we move the shower out of the way and he will need to move the wall. I hate to take even a couple inches out of the master bathroom but I guess if we have to do it to make getting both bathrooms done, then we do. Below are the current pictures. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them.

Cagle cartoons that may or may not post corectly that I need your help with.

I need the help of people outside of the US. The cartoons from the Cagle site don’t display for people in some countries. I have made several cartoon posts from that site that I tried different ways to display them. I have not gotten feed back on those posts. So I am going to try a short one with different ways. The first copies the address of the cartoon, then the second will open it several times to see if that way it will display. If you have broken links Barry has explained how to fix it or use a VPN, but I would prefer to find a way to post them or simply not post them at all. Hugs

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Ok that is enough to test. I know of no other way to post them if the link breaks when it is opened in a country not the US. I really need to know the ratio of those that see these cartoons and those that have broken links. If you are an IT specialist like Barry and can give me a suggestion I would value it. I can’t change the URL on my end, it is what it is both ways I try to post it. But if the links wont display the cartoons it is not worth my spending house posting them. The site does have the best drawn and most current ones. But I spend too many hours making the post as it is to chase after ones that wont show to the readers. Best wishes to everyone and hugs to those that want them.