Thank you everyone.

I thank everyone who is still commenting and reading what little I am posting. I will be back soon hopefully. I was going to make a video today on what has been going on but I am just too tired. Hugs to all. You are grand. Hugs

The importance of choosing your own name

I have been really struggling lately. I keep saving comments to answer later that days go by I don’t get to. I keep saving them so I can reply. I have not announced it here on the Play Time but I finally made an appointment with a therapist.

When I made the appointment they asked a few questions and then tried to get me to come in the next morning. I said no. I just couldn’t deal with it. On top of the car just needing a new engine for 4 grand due to a faulty temperature sensor we had the van checked. It is 17 years old. It has a lot of small stuff wrong but each fix adds up and the total was two grand.

I am hardly sleeping and during the day the intrusive thoughts can get me struggling and crying. So what should only take me a few hours ends up taking me 6 to 8 hours. It is even more frustrating because my attention deficit disorder has increased to the point I can lose track of what I am doing or get switched over to something else almost without noticing so that I get pulled down rabbit holes until I see it.

Also I find sitting at the computer gets painful so I get up and do things like the dishes. Sadly I drive myself to the point I can’t stand or are near collapse. That happened last night. Ron was doing other things so I had the night before promised to take a small amount of mashed potatoes left over and fry it along with making him scrambled eggs. Then I did dishes at noon and right after I made a red sauce. I was exhausted and not able to stand by the time I got it done. Ron put the red sauce aside and made us the planned supper of chicken, pork, and beef chopped up for fajitas. But I could hardly eat.

Then Ron found me falling asleep at my desk I was so tired. Ron asked me as he helped me to get my nighttime meds and go to bed, Ron asked me if I had managed to get to the comments I had told him I saved. I just sighed. I told him I still have them saved and will get up in the morning and reply to them. I did not do that. I used to jump out of bed fully energized which always amazed Ron. Now I struggle to get up, often laying there for several hours hoping to go back to sleep. In the past I would get up in the middle of the night if I couldn’t sleep, but now I just lay there desperately hoping to sleep without a nightmare.

But this is not what this post is about.

I use a name not used by my abusers. The name they used for me was a slave name. You can see it used for one of the prominent characters in Roots. It was used to make me an it. I was often told how I got my name at age three. My first real memories are a bus ride next to a woman I did not know. I am told when she introduced me to the “family” one of my hell spawn female siblings ask “What do you call IT“ My new adoptive mother gave me the name normally given to slaves in the south as I understand. I never used it personally and hated it all my life.

Ron never used it even though they tried to get him to do so. They would use it to him to refer to me and he would pretend to not know who they were talking about. I guess good for me the name was not the one used on my birth certificate so as I got to move beyond their influence I could use my birth name and then when I got away from all their ability to influence or threaten me I modified my birth name to what I felt most comfortable. See the only time they used the real name was to mock me and so when I got the chance to choose my name for myself I did.

I am Scottie !!!

I love who Scottie is and think he is done very well with the life hand he was dealt. But all this is to explain why the series of cartoons by Sophie Labelle are so important to me. So here is the one by her that jogged me to make this post. I had tried to restrict posts about my abuse. But this was so on point I knew I had to do so. Sadly I had no father or other to help me find it, they hated that I demanded they call me by it. It caused me to hang up on them repeatedly when they would call me by my abused name. They finally did adjust when in their old age they needed me to help them. Hugs

Why posts have been sparse

Ron and I have been ill for days. I got sick Wednesday night. I got up with diarrhea and sick to my stomach. Ron also got the same symptoms. During this time we were to go get the car from the garage but I was vomiting too hard to so the first day. Today he still has issues as do I. Ron thinks we got a case of covid. I don’t know. But it has been really hard to be at the computer and no work on the house has been done. If you put comments to post know I will be getting to them as soon as I am not coughing up mucus and having stuff come out both ends … horribly. Ron thought covid but I think we got food poisoning. But there are no food inspectors now so … Hugs and good night.

Some recent information, why I have not posted much even the cartoons, and Ron and I made a supper together but towards the end I couldn’t move with out nearly passing out.

Hi all. Thank you for being here. Thank you to Ali and Randy who keep the blog from becoming a feel bad for Scottie place. Last night I was feeling overwhelmed by the time I went to bed. I got up and told Ron I was going to bed because I was crying and trying to not let it show. He gets so upset if he comes to the office and sees me crying my eyes out. So I went to bed, hoping I could write a story in my mind to distract it / my mind from my damn first 24 years of my life. I got into bed and felt the void racing to cover me. The void is the huge dark emptiness that in my mind is like a tornado or hurricane. In the past Randy has helped me escape it by using him, his name, his person as a handle that keeps the vortex from being able to draw me in, to suck me down, to rip me away.

So I laid in the bed desperately trying to quickly create a narrative, a story that would keep my mind occupied so it would leave the memories and attach itself to the story I was trying to create. Most of the time, not always, but most of the time I can do it. Last night I failed. So in an attempt to quiet my mind and sooth my soul I turned to my saved music. I don’t listen to music much these days, preferring news podcasts and a lot of music I got from Jill and I owe her thanks, because it was some of her songs that helped me survive last night.

The double edge sword of the music is the lyrics and sounds that drew me to them to help me fight back the demons of my childhood gave them a foothold into my mind last night. But the music was working I was beating them back, not giving into the worst impulses, trying to hold on to sanity, and I was gaining ground. I tried to post them as a way to seek help. But for every step forward I was being knocked back. My pain was soaring.

Then Ron came to bed. Just walking in the room he realized what was happening. He turned on lights and moved the cat and asked me to cuddle with him. He took my phone and shut it down setting it on the bed headboard. He held me close before we even turned out the lights. I was struggling to speak and he simply held me until I calmed down. He kept talking to me and sadly I don’t remember what he said, just that I finally felt safe and warm. Then I feel asleep.

In the night I woke up to feed the cat at 03:30 and worried what I had posted in my pain. Then at 06:30 Ron and I both woke up to the cat wanting his window blinds moved up so he could see the kingdom outside he still feels is his domain. He howled until he got his way. I asked Ron is the same trick would work for me and he informed me to not even think of trying it.

Move to this afternoon. I was trying to answer comments and I have not done a real cartoon / meme post in days when at noon I got up to do the dishes. After I got done with them Ron mentioned he really would like me to make the kind of chili I was talking about the day before. I explained it was only an idea but we could try. I had already done the dishes and was needing to sit down but I started to do the chili with 2 pounds of Hamburg.

But the package recipe called for tomato sauce in a small amount. We had tomato sauce in 29 oz cans but not the small size needed. But I had a plan. I took a tomato paste can and added about the needed amount of water and heating it over the stove and stirred it into a nice paste. Now we could start. Sadly I was already wiped out. So I got out my rolling chair that Ron bought me. It is super high and able to let me look down into the highest posts on our stove sitting on the chair.

So the rest just followed. Browning the hamburger, and doing everything that came on after the other. Pictures will be below.

What we needed to decide next was do we add all the seasoning in the box or adjust to our own. I was used to adding them all and then adding my own. So we did. Then I got to playing. A dash of this here and a shake of that there. I added a couple spoons of garlic, which I love the taste of.

Then I got it to where I had only one thing left to decide, the masa. I had never added it before but I felt I should. What I was hoping was a rich brown smooth creamy sauce that the restaurant chili has and even the canned Wolf chili we get has. Mine did not come out like that. It was good but sadly not creamy reach like the store bought ones or the restaurant kinds. Ron added sour cream to his and said it made a big difference. The chili is not bad, it is very tasty and favorable. It just is more gritty and strong than it is smooth and flowing. Hugs and loves. If you have an idea what to do to make it seem more creamy and flowing brown, then please let me know. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie

An update on the car and the bathroom, both are going to cost more money.

Hello Everyone. I hope all are having a grand day. We had the car taken to a garage to have it repaired. The engine did seize but the timing chain did not break as we thought. Ron asked why the engine locked up and the guy couldn’t tell why yet. It had the correct amount of oil but the anti-freeze which had been full was way down. The mechanic seem to think the engine block could have cracked. Either way it would have to be replaced. The needs a different engine … but new engines for that car are hard to get and the cost has jumped because they are made in Mexico and tRump’s tariffs are jumping up the price. The good news is after calling a dozen different places the man was able to find an engine for it that had only 5,000 miles on it. Basically new. The car it had been in was totaled so he could get it for us for 2 grand. Ron told him to go ahead. He will get back to us with the labor cost.

On the bathroom well all good plans of … Ron got the pipes in for the water lines both hot and cold also the shower drain, we got the toilet taken off, the new floor put down which due to the tiles no locking heeded to be glued with corners ones being brad nailed, the toilet replaced with a new seal. All good. Ron rechecked his measurements and we even set the shower where he wanted it to check the alignment of the water and drain pipes. We moved the shower back out and Ron built half the wall going across the two bathrooms and which would be the side wall of the shower. He installed the vent pipe in the wall. He ran the electric needed for the exhaust fan through the 2x4s.

Then life got in the way of it being easy. This morning we moved the shower in front of where it was to go. Ron had for some reason made the drain pipe far too high from the floor decided to block the shower up so we could slide it back in place and lower it down over the pipe. We got it blocked up and several times the blocks fell sideways so we scrambled to keep the shower from doing any damage like braking a water pipe. Then as he got it back nearly to the wall reality made itself clear.

The shower did not fit between the wall and the water pipes and the shower drain was off center of the hole in the shower itself. Ron tried so hard to force it to wedge it in place until I reminded him that if he broke the pipes then the floor would have to be taken up and as it was glued that means all new floor tiles. So we stopped for the day. Tomorrow we move the shower out of the way and he will need to move the wall. I hate to take even a couple inches out of the master bathroom but I guess if we have to do it to make getting both bathrooms done, then we do. Below are the current pictures. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them.

Cagle cartoons that may or may not post corectly that I need your help with.

I need the help of people outside of the US. The cartoons from the Cagle site don’t display for people in some countries. I have made several cartoon posts from that site that I tried different ways to display them. I have not gotten feed back on those posts. So I am going to try a short one with different ways. The first copies the address of the cartoon, then the second will open it several times to see if that way it will display. If you have broken links Barry has explained how to fix it or use a VPN, but I would prefer to find a way to post them or simply not post them at all. Hugs

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Ok that is enough to test. I know of no other way to post them if the link breaks when it is opened in a country not the US. I really need to know the ratio of those that see these cartoons and those that have broken links. If you are an IT specialist like Barry and can give me a suggestion I would value it. I can’t change the URL on my end, it is what it is both ways I try to post it. But if the links wont display the cartoons it is not worth my spending house posting them. The site does have the best drawn and most current ones. But I spend too many hours making the post as it is to chase after ones that wont show to the readers. Best wishes to everyone and hugs to those that want them.

The video is long and I lost interest. But I am trying to find my dance and the new day that Samwise speaks of. I hope you find your dance also. Hugs

https://www.tumblr.com/whatareyoureallyafraidof/794781142865887232

The mechanic just left

One of the things that got me down was last Thursday the car died as I was driving home. The car had been acting up and we were planing to have it checked when Ron got paid. The car did not give us that time. I was lucky in that when it died I was able to coast on to a side street that was safer and better than being on the main road. But there is bad news. Remember when the Ford dealership told us we would need a new engine for $10 grand, well they were premature but it may come to that.

What the mechanic told us is that the timing chain broke. There are three sprockets. The bad news is it is not just the timing chain that went. I don’t understand it but because of what the top three sprockets do somehow that made the pistons and values all crash into each other. That means engine seized. It is going to be an expensive fix.

Now for the worse news. The guy that came and who has fixed our car before can’t fix it. Because the way they get to the engine is they unbolt it and then raise the body with a car lift. He doesn’t have one. So he is looking around to find out who can fix it. We have no clue as to what it will cost. So that is one thing getting me down. Best wishes for everyone and hugs to those that want them. Hugs

Just an update on the week and my actions.

Hi everyone. I have a video started to address a lot of what happened. But I had a horrible week and only wanted to hide from life. Long story short if I don’t finish the video as so often happen. At the beginning of the week I talked to my primary care doctor about my childhood in vague terms, the intrusive thoughts that have gotten worse, and the nightmares / yelling out at night. He admitted he was out of his depth on the issue but would help as much as they could and that they have a therapist on site that works with a psychiatrist and if I would see her she could help me better. Next week I will call her. He prescribed a medication to help me but I won’t take it. It kills your sex drive and ability entirely. Ron got on it before we knew what it did, and so now he will try to get off it. For a long time we did not know or understand why his desire and ability just stopped, now we know that it was the medication. Then Thursday coming home from the allergist the car broke down. I was lucky I was able to get it safety off the road on to a side street. Then I dealt with the getting it towed and all that. Then Friday I saw a podiatrist and found out that there is nothing they can do to help me, another one thing I have to learn to live with. It was all too much for me. Today we are finishing the floor in the small bathroom and reseating the toilet which is a horrible hard job for a weakening 70 year old man and a disabled 62 yr old with bone / muscle / nerve problems. My plan for this weekend is to catch up on all the comments I missed over the week by withdrawing from everything. Thanks to everyone for being here and to Ali and Randy for all the posts they make. Hugs

Question on the cartoon / meme pages

Both Barry and Judy recently left comments saying that a lot of the cartoons are not displaying for them. This is a problem as I take a lot of hours to build these posts. If I have a cartoon source that won’t display for the viewers I am wasting my time using that source. When I check the pages the cartoons and links display normally for me. Let me know if they don’t display for you and what country you are in. Thanks. Hugs