It shouldn’t hurt to be a child. I am so tired

I have had three weeks of steriod shots, allergy shots, and testosterone shots. My hormones are a mess and coursing through me like angry bulls alternately making me happy and then very sad.  I have barely slept for three days. Tonight I made fried chicken and french fries for supper. I need to go to bed but to tell the truth, I am scared to do so. When I do fall asleep, the memories will come back.  Every hard hand and fist that hit me, the times I was hurt in so many ways, I remember them all.  As one of the songs says I told the lies to protect those abusing me because if I had not, it would have been worse.  I feel them.  I live it all over again.  And I am so tired. My pain doctor tried to help, and asked me if she could send me to a trama therapist; she said “Scottie you really need to talk to someone”. I told her another time, not yet, not now.  But every one of these songs has parts of my life in them. I guess I will go back to reading the news rather than go to bed; the news I can deal with maybe.  The memories I cannot, not tonight. Last night, in the middle of the night Ron realized I was very upset and had me move next to him. I need to sleep.  I am afraid to. I wonder if anyone can understand that.  Being afraid to go to sleep?  Hugs

 

 

 

 

 

The election results and my feelings

I had a really bad night where I was tearing my skin on my butt and thrashing around. Ron tried twice to wake me and once when he did it I was so deep in my memories of abuse that I tried to protect myself from him.  Once I was awake and knew what he had tried to do for me I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I tossed and turned until I got up.  

But then I did something that most people won’t understand, and in truth I don’t either. I suffered from the memories of my past and then when I woke up and went to my office to then go online to the Male Survivor site.  There I read more stories of abuse like mine.  Not all abuse stories have the physical abuse that mine did but the rest is still abuse I understand.  Still the reading of their abuse so mirrowed mine caused me even more distress and upset. 

I sat at my desk this morning and just cried.  No video on the other computer, no reading anything on the other computer. Just sitting here remembering the assaults, the pain of having a cock forced into my rectrum unwanted and not lubed, being forced to take a cock into my mouth with their hands firmly grasping my head so I had to take more of their dick than I could breathe with in my mouth. I apologize for being so graphic, but either I rejoin the survivors site and go down that rabbit hole, or just try to gently share the childhood I had here.  To tell the truth even now I am rocked and my stomach is upset over what I remember.   

I know those who were abused either physically, emotionally, or even sexually understand what I am trying to say.  The memories never go away; they fade and for a while you can ignore them. But then like what happened to me the last two nights I had nightmares of my childhood in complete color and detail. I not only remembered the events in my dreams; I felt every aspect of it on my body, and then the worst part. Something I have not shared yet. Ron woke me saying Scottie, no one is hitting you now.  My body did not agree with him.

Some of my abusers would force me to say back to them things they wanted to hear me say. You like this don’t you!  Thank me for fucking you!  You caused me to beat you and now say you’re sorry for doing that.  So many more.  I struggle with the memories of one hellspawn sibling male holding my little balls in his hand and squessing until I agreed to drink his pee just to stop him hurting me.  For the two male siblings and their father there was no understanding or sympathy. They wanted a couple of things, my humiliation and their sexual satisfaction.  They demanded I admit I was not equal to them and that they could abuse me with no consequences.  

So I had had many months without much issues rocking my calm.  But the last three nights have given me nightmares, and Ron has had to wake me because I was trying hard to scream out. I am a bit scared to go back to bed because as soon as I sleep the memories will return.  I do not want or need to relive that time of my life. Anyway I will go back to listening to the election results. But I am worried this will be another even  worse night for me.  How do I avoid the pain I know is coming?  Damn now I am scared to go to bed.       Hugs

 

I remember and I hate that I do.

I am going to put a song link below.  I remember the night as a little boy me and one of my hellspawn siblings hunched close to the TV to watch the movie.  The adoptive father had forbiden us to watch it as he worked nights and was trying to sleep.  But she convinced me it would be OK if we sat really close to the TV and kept the sound down. By this time in my life, I was used to doing what I was told to do.  Now looking back I realize she wanted me there for coverage knowing I would pay for the indiscresion and she wouldn’t.  

So we sat there next to the TV and I heard this song. It was such a song of hope and I wanted so much for it to be true. However as was so often in my life as a child someone had to pay the price, and that someone was me.  When the show was over and as the credits came on the screen he came out.  He said I hope it was worth it.  He ordered his daughter to her room and grabbed my arm dragging me back to his bedroom. I paid the price for her and for hearing the song. I don’t think I need to go into the details, it was the same thing that happened almost daily in my life at that point. One pain or another always equaling someone else taking their enjoyment or anger out on my small body. But the song stuck with me and in many ways became my anthem for hope of a better life.  Sad a 7-year-old needed that.  And even sadder are the memories of what he did to me that night in either his anger or need. Below is the song.   Hugs

‘Hand Jobs, Oral Sex and Anal’: Pete Hegseth’s Pastor Wants Gay Men Prosecuted for These Acts [WATCH]

Again so much hate and anger towards people who do him no harm.  A desire and a demand that he gets to rule how others live.  Such self important Christian love.   No hate like some Christians love for the right to tell others what God thinks. It is strange that their god always agrees with them, never that they need to change or grow, just that others must live by the church doctrines of the hater.  Hate who they hate and the world is a paradise they believe.  Notice the pastor is OK with a man penatrating and using his wife in any way he wants, anally or orally.  Only sex between men in any form is to be illegal. It seems very selfish to me.  Why is the act OK if he does it with his wife but I can’t do it with my husband    Hugs


https://www.unclosetedmedia.com/p/hand-jobs-oral-sex-and-anal-pete

In his first interview with an LGBTQ publication, Pastor Doug Wilson reveals that as many as 20 people in the government align with his church’s ideology.

On of my female abusers died

OK this won’t be a full post on my abuse because Ron is terrified of my being emotionally upset before my surgery tomorrow.  This female sibling was pregnant at 13 and married at 14.  But while she was in the house she was the defacto caregiver to me.  She was the one who tied me to a stair banister and let her boyfriends and other boys rape me.   Her soon to be husband wanted more so she arranged for him to force me to give him blow jobs and rape me in other places / context.  He had a fascination with buttholes so you can guess what that meant for the 3, and 4 and 5 and 6 year old me. 

She was the one who farmed me out to the guy across the street at age 3 who was a real little boy lover so while he used my body he never made me hurt like I was being hurt at home.  He often got upset at my bruised body.  He often gave me the only real affection I felt at that time.  I just had to let him use my body to gain it.  

She tried to get me removed from the will due to the fact I was adopted.   In her own writings she said I was never a part of the family so shouldn’t have a share of the inheritance.  She failed to mention how badly I was treated by the family for some reason.   The courts disagreed with her.   Her husband was the executor of the estate and he was informed and needed to be ordered by the court to change the legal paperwork to reflect my new legal name, but in her obituary she used the family name of my abusers.   She knew better at this point, as did her husband who once was said to be a corrupt cop.  

I am going to try to keep my mind from it.  But what Ron doesn’t know is my mind went there last night.  Just not bad enough for me to yell / scream out.  I will have to deal with it soon.  But not hopefully tonight the night before my spine surgery.    Hugs

Evaluating The Interview With Jenny Racicot, Graham Platner’s Ex

Another person who has questions about the reporting and evaluating what was said in in those reports.   Suris is trying very hard to be even handed and fair to all involved.  He does point out some of the issues many people have with the entire affair.  Again this is a serious accusation that is not only at this point.   Again no one is under oath and some of the things reported have been found incorrect.  Such as her telling her ex at the time it happened, but that is not true.  Now she is not under any obligation to tell anyone.  Every person who has been abused deals with it and opens up about it in their own time when they feel they can do so.  Some never do.   But if you are using the fact that you told someone and it turns out you did not, that is important information to know.   I want to add two things.  Suris is not a misogynist and is very openly pro-female and pro-LGBTQ+.  He is really trying to just understand the facts and evaluate them without making a moral snap judgment or purity testing either party.  But he has no advanced training in sexual abuse nor in court procedures of interrogation.  He simply is listening and giving his best reasoning on it.   Hugs


 

NOTE: Politico’s response to Breaking Points and Drop Site News on the gaps in reporting follows: “This story is based on extensive reporting and interviews and reflects our editorial standards. In interviews with us and in accounts she gave to other outlets, Jenny Racicot said that she told Graham Platner not to come to her home and that he nevertheless showed up there uninvited. POLITICO gave Platner and his campaign ample opportunity to respond to our reporting and to provide any information or documentation they believed contradicted it. If presented with information that materially challenges our reporting, we will report it.” Ryan and Saagar discuss exclusive reporting on key details missing from the Graham Platner story.

Again more information is coming out.  Details that give credit to Platner’s side of the story.  The news doesn’t excuse him, but it sets up why he was at her house and why he was touching her.  Again the media has a bias and it is being reported with that bias totally one sided.  This report says he was wasted out of his mind black out drunk but again no proof of that.  Was the woman here drinking also like the first woman was?  I think Saagar is trying too hard to brand Platner,  again we need more facts.  As he said the woman is accusing Platner of a serious felony and now we need to see if this is going to be a trial in the media which is a slander hit job or a trial in court.  The question I have is more going to come out.  I like that on morning Joe the host asks for colaberating evedince.  She asks what do you have to show him raping the victim?  Again if he did it he needs to pay for his crime, I just don’t like how it is coming out, being played up in media, and the timing.  Again the reporter admits he can’t produce any evidence.  The therapist did not verify that it happened, yet that was reported.   The very account I had heard about the exchange between the therapist and the victim has been proven out, it was not about the assault or at the time or the assault.  The therapist said she did not recall the victim’s account of the assault but said she vaguely supports women who say they are assaulted.  Therrapest keep notes, mine always have so why did she blank on the case details.   This is looking a media hit job to drive a progressive candidate out of politics.    Hugs


 

NOTE: Politico’s response to Breaking Points and Drop Site News on the gaps in reporting follows: “This story is based on extensive reporting and interviews and reflects our editorial standards. In interviews with us and in accounts she gave to other outlets, Jenny Racicot said that she told Graham Platner not to come to her home and that he nevertheless showed up there uninvited. POLITICO gave Platner and his campaign ample opportunity to respond to our reporting and to provide any information or documentation they believed contradicted it. If presented with information that materially challenges our reporting, we will report it.” Ryan and Saagar discuss exclusive reporting on key details missing from the Graham Platner story.

‘JUST SHUT UP’: Joe SLAMS Republicans criticizing Platner, while ignoring Ken Paxton issues

I am very concerned about this situation.  I have all ways said we need to listen to abuse victims and evaluate their accusations while giving every leaning to understanding the situation they were / are in.  But an accusation is just that.  It is not proof positive of an actual event happening or a crime occurring.  I am concerned with the statements of the accuser since the Times article came out and why she said she came forward in the Politico article.  I agree with Joe Scarbourghs thoughts on the timing and the fact that even though he denies it happened he doesn’t have time to clear his name before the election.  With all the financial support being withdrawn he has no chance forward even if he is eventually cleared of these charges.   

As the other reporter reports, there is a deep sense this is a coordinated attack by the establishment and the AIPAC big money.  I do believe in redemption and the ability of people to change.  However I don’t have the needed evidence to say for certain that these groups did organize this against him, I just know that in the Times article it was clearly a republican oppertive attacking and that she could only say she was drunk, he pushed her into a room with a bed, locked the door with him on the outside, and told her to calm down.  She said he did not touch her sexually and did not hurt her.  He did not bother her the rest of the night as she slept off being drunk. 

The woman in the Politico report says she decided to come forward not because she had wanted or believed the Times article would showcase other women being sexually abused like she claims.  But the times article was clear they did not find any such accusations and she at the time did not come forward with them.  I have heard but not seen one of the “proofs” being used is she talked to her therapist about the assault.  How ever the ones I have seen accredited to her show she did not talk to her therapist about the sexual assault but only dealt with her possible media exposure.  She was asking if she should do it and if the therapist thought it would be good for her.  Not questions that really back up the assault.  She says it happened only five years ago, she could if she wants share emails with her therapist from earlier where she is concerned about her emotional state from the abuse.  

At this time I believe it is a he said / she said situation.   I am not willing to damn a person on hearsay.  I will wait but if it comes out she was assaulted as she said I will back her completely and hope she holds him accountable.  How ever if it does come out in a short while that she only did this for financial advantage or emotional payback to a former boyfriend then I will hold everyone who used this to attack Platner and smear him accountable as well.  If it turns out his chance to serve the people who overwhelmingly like his political message was sabotaged by the corporate establishment and well paying lobbies for Israel then I think the man is owed far more than a chance to show his redemption should be accepted but it should also alert everyone to the power of the political establishment to do the bidding of the wealthy elite.   Hugs


 

Is it ok to be gay & Christian?

 

 

The Real History Behind Anti-Trans Laws

Wow.  There is a lot of historic information in this video.  The author / presenter has quick cuts to other personality characters she plays to highlight the absurdity of some positions held by the hierarchy.  She delvesdeeply into the idea of what is proper femininity, who steps outside it, and who thinks they are responsible for judging or enforcing it.  She delves into how many fights against change and equality are about fears by men of emasculation.  The lowering of men’s status.  When she elaborates on suffrage, all the fears seem to be that allowing women to vote would give women the right to be men and force men to be women.   Seem familure?   She goes into detail on how each repressive opressive responce to equal rights comes down to the same phrases such as save the children, save the family,  or the claims that society it self will end.   The clips she intersperses go by far too quickly so I had to stop the video to read them but she does describe what is on them.   The begining was choppy and it took me a bit to get  her style of presentation but once I did I found it very informative fillwed with facts, history, and fun to watch.  Hugs

The transgender bathroom ‘debate’ isn’t new (but it is stupid). I’m looking at you TERF’s…

Looking back through history, gender politics is consistently entangled with race, class, misogyny, and disability. Minority groups existing outside the ‘norm’ are attacked as ‘radicals’ or menaces to society…

But what prevails each time we face oppression AND causes real change in our society?